the worst part

Monday, July 19, 2021 No comments

this post will likely be a hot mess so if you keep reading you have been warned.  i have known that i was a submissive for twenty years.  in that time it was never fully safe for me to be out and about in the community but the internet made it easier to connect to people who understood BDSM especially as a Black person.  not easy now because there were still people that despite my stated interest would sneak into my inbox anyway but it was easier to stumble on the right one or two people to carry me to the next phase of my journey.  as i got older those people would be around longer and longer which was good but when they were gone later it sucked away a piece of me.  in those moments though, the community still seemed to be present to pick up the slack and keep me stable until the next long term relationship began.  over the last few years though that hasn't even been there.  

i've realized i like my world peaceful and arguing on the internet is not my style.  competing over some Dom's fleeting attention is even lower on my list of things to do with my time.  and i have never been able to have conversation for the sake of conversation.  add in to that the break in trust i had a few years ago with a former submissive friend and i'm not even sure it's worth trying to connect to people again.  and i shouldn't pin that totally on her and i falling out.  there was someone else that did something similar a few months before that and it just eroded my faith that Black women in the lifestyle could be open and friendly with each other over long periods of time in ways that were not transactional.  there may be but i haven't met them yet and i don't know if i'm ever going to be ready to step out there for that again.

which leads me to where this came from in the first place.  the worst part of what i'm feeling right now is realizing how easy it was/is for people that i have cared deeply about to forget i exist or even if they haven't forgotten to just step away without ever pausing to think about how i might be doing.  about how their absence may or may not be impacting me.  and i guess they don't really have to.  things are over.  i'm the one that's stuck or holding on to a piece of them inside of me.  i'm the one that randomly started crying for no reason earlier today.  and who is crying now thinking about how for the people i want to matter to the most, i'm not even something that matters enough for them to send a random hi message every blue moon.  Mr. Good Nyhte has been a gem lately but i'm still the one reaching out to him first. everyone has their new life without the old version of me in it.  

and i have late night blog posts, random cooking binges and daydreams about what went wrong.  i think that's all that's left for now.


Ben & Jerry's are my besties

Wednesday, July 14, 2021 No comments

I should be asleep.  I'm up eating ice cream instead, Whiskey Biz to be exact.  I have a presentation to give in the morning and while I will probably be fine, my mouth can get reckless when I haven't slept as much as I need to sometimes.  I'm not sure it will matter in this situation but hey whatever it's good to prepare when we can.  I need to modify another presentation to give on Thursday then I don't have to be "on" for a few days.  My locs are hitting the three year mark this weekend basically, I think I started them officially on the 26th of June but that's the middle of the week and I don't have time for that.  My hair is actually long enough that it can tickle my back now which I like more than I thought I would.  I'm still debating the length it needs to stay at in order for me to not be freaking out.  I still think I'm gonna let it grow out so that all locs are the same length and then go from there.  I've been debating something else.  Totally deleting my Fetlife account.  I've looked around a few times lately and no one is really missing me, they weren't when I was active on there though let's be honest, and I don't think I'll find another partner there.  I know what I'm looking for as I mentioned previously but not where to find him and I don't know if I'm ready to risk outing all of my personal business to find my ideal partner.  I even contemplated using a matchmaker at one point but let me tell you my pockets ain't deep enough for the ones I found online that were Black women.  Plus, saying he needs to be all these very generic things oh and be a stable, less stalkery, more realistic version of Mr. Gray seems like a bridge too far for the average person.  I seriously wish someone would create that kind of service though.  I know it's probably stupid on my part to worry about being outed by partners with nothing to lose but I have dated the folks I have because they respect my work enough to not wild out in that way.  Honestly, I'm gun shy too.  I want someone but I don't want to put myself out there again.  It's exhausting.  And COVID plus racism on steroids has me tired enough.  I miss the stupidity of college when all I needed was a hard dick with some staying power.  And it's always more comforting to think about hooking up with an ex because I already know their issues.  But it's not logical to keep dipping back into the past and hoping for a better outcome.  This isn't a Hallmark movie after all.  That would be nice because within a few weeks or months of me having my reconnect or meet cute moment, we'd both realize there was no one else in the world for either of us.  A girl can dream right, if she ever gets back to sleep.


Good Sleep and New Dreams

Sunday, July 11, 2021 No comments

I have these ebbs and flows with my energy, focus, emotions and submission.  Yesterday was likely a down day.  There's always too much to do and not enough time to do it in period.  I took the day off and let myself feel life.  It was good and I got my much needed reset.  I played games, watched bad tv, caught some tennis and ate takeout.  Side note: didn't expect that Kung Pao shrimp from Red Lobster would be a treat but let me tell you it was a banger.  I am almost tempted to send out for it again but I'll debate it.  As I was settling into the Djokovic match, and my inevitable angst when one of my favorite players is on, my timeline memories brought up my first trip to Amsterdam and views from my hotel room.  I LOVE that hotel y'all.  Like it's my favorite place to be solo.  The room is comfortable.  The views are amazing.  It's close to everything.  The food and drinks are amazing and all I have to do is check in and mind my business.  Explore and enjoy having a key card that lets me up to the top floors for drinks, better views and ridiculous service.  Of course I can't set up shop in a hotel forever but if I could that would be my spot.  I'd have to boost the WiFi but it would be well worth it.

Sorry had to take a pause because the match is now over and Novak was a dream killer again.  Not mine mind you but after losing the first set to his opponent, Matteo Berrettini, he won the next three including breaking the last serve in the fourth to take it 6-3.  I know folks don't like him because he so clearly wants to win and in most cases is just better than the folks they want him to lose to most days.  I tend to root for underdogs--and my favorite "villains" which I need to put in quotes.  They are only villains to folks who don't like them or because they can steal your soul when you play against them.  Novak is now tied with Roger and Rafa for 20 grand slam titles.  He's gotten there by winning three grand slams this year and is poised to potentially win the calendar year grand slam and provided he plays well in the Olympics the Golden Slam--all the grand slam titles plus the Olympic gold medal.  I'll keep my fingers crossed and my remote ready to flip to something else because I don't want my very much so able to control the outcome of a match anxiety from infecting Novak from across the television.  Yeah don't worry I know that's not true but doesn't make me comfortable watching until the match is almost over.  I was wondering how long it had taken Novak to get to 20 and much like Roger (15 years) and Rafa (15 years) it was just over a decade (13 years).  What I didn't realize was 19 or the 20 titles Novak has won came in a ten year period.  Dislike him forever if you must but the man is just ridiculously good.

So back to my meandering.  As I fell asleep last night, I said a quiet prayer.  More like whispered but that's not really the point.  I prayed for peace, for my family and friends to be safe and that if it was meant to be that a new love enter my life and give me whatever it was that I was meant to have.  I may have included that I dream about him overnight but I really can't remember.  I do know that I slept like a baby.  A fat happy well fed baby who just knew that it was the center of its loved ones' universe.  No dreams, no angst, no tears, just sleep.  And it was exactly what I needed.  A large part of me is sure I'll be single indefinitely.  Not because men suck or I'm not desperately looking but because my life doesn't easily make room for partners.  Maybe I won't but I'm leaving that up to the universe and whatever higher power isn't totally over taking care of me when I make silly mistakes to sort out.  I'm happy and I'm going to enjoy that for as long as I can.


Old Mattresses and Old Loves

Saturday, July 10, 2021 No comments


I've been meaning to post for a few days and honestly sheer exhaustion has kicked in each time.  Work is busy and I have been playing tennis most of the last month so yeah by my nighttime relaxation kicks in I'm ready for unconsciousness and not a lot else.  As I was changing the sheets today, I noticed the spot that I camp out in is of course denting in the bed.  Because of how my bed is situated in my current bedroom I don't flip it as often as I should but I think the flipped side has the same issue.  That got me to wondering about how old my mattress is.  I remember getting it not too long after I moved into our current home but not exactly when.  And I remembered that mostly because it was around the time that I met the Dutchman on Fetlife.  The day the bed was delivered I think was the first day we saw each other naked which is no small feat since we were still several thousand miles away but the energy he inspired in me was intoxicating.  I had to go dig out the message to be certain but it was about seven years ago now.  Reading over some of them reminds me of why I feel head over heals for him and why part of me will always miss him.  However, I can't hold on to memories when I wanna snuggle at night so it brings me to the point of the post.

I gave an interview to someone working on their dissertation.  It made me really ponder on being single, what I was looking for in a partner and if I was actively looking.  For the most part I enjoy being single.  There's no disappointment in flying solo and I know I'm not always the best partner.  And I'm super not actively looking but I almost never am when I meet someone.  Part of why I'm not actively looking though is I know more completely that I need a dominant partner who is confident in themselves and emotionally available more often than not.  I mean we all have walkabouts mentally and emotionally where we cannot handle anyone's stuff but our own.  I can appreciate that especially if you give me a head's up and say you know what shit is hitting the fan, I'll try to check in soon.  Or life is imploding but thinking about tying you up makes my dick hard.  Ok not my dick because I don't have one but you get the point.  It also made me think about why I don't date women and I think I've said it before but in case I haven't when I think about cuddling, or being dominated, or goofing off on the couch with someone that person is also male.  I want to fold into their hardness.  And yes I may be able to do that with a woman but that physical form would distract from what I find attractive about women.  That could also be because I have yet to find a woman that gets me off the same way men have.  I don't mean in the same way I just mean with the same frequency or intensity.  I've been sleeping with women just a few years shorter than with men, given not as often, but I still need something else to push me over the edge than just her attention.  

So there I am pondering and wondering which added with today's pondering made me wistful.  I like being swept up in the intense emotions of a new love and the easy friendship of a genuine partnership.  I don't enjoy watching those things disappear as the relationship marches on.  It's beyond frustrating because it takes so little to keep things together sometimes.  But thus far I haven't been able to master that skill.  So here I am, approaching eight years after a chance comment on a thread ended up exposing me to parts of my submission that I could not have guessed about.  I miss that intensely.  However, I can't predict when that lightening bolt will hit again or if it will at all. Until then, I am just relegated to enjoying free porn and smutty stories.