Good-bye Mr. Wolf

Sunday, August 15, 2021 No comments

I went to bed last night thinking about how to let go of old emotional entanglements that were no longer serving me.  I fully intended on making a side trip while I was in in the city I get my hair done in but the plan took a swift detour.  Earlier today I got a text from one of the few kinky people I know that has my number.  They were apologizing to me about "what happened" with Mr. Wolf.  My brain already understood what they meant but I had to ask for clarification.  But in general when I hear from folks I don't talk to regularly that means someone we jointly knew and that I cared about was gone.  The last time I spoke with him it was because I had a feeling he wasn't doing well.  Or to be more precise I was worried he was having an issue.  We didn't discuss what it was but he thanked me for checking in and assured me he was on the mend.  That was months ago.  And this morning I wasn't thinking he was no longer here.  I was just thinking about waking up and slowly getting ready.  I'm not shocked but I am sad for his family and those he was involved with now.  I didn't appreciate how things ended but I didn't want him to be unhappy or unwell.  We learned things from each other.  Most important was that we were not meant to be an epic love story.  But even that is a good thing to know.  There are lots of words that could be shared but they would likely ring hollow to most people reading this.  I wish his spirit safe travels and peace for those who loved him.


i'm moody i swear

Saturday, August 07, 2021 No comments

Life is hectic and things distract me just when I need it most.  I was in a funk the last few posts to be sure.  I was in my feelings about the Dutchman and why it didn't work out but the truth of the matter is, it doesn't matter why it didn't work out.  It just didn't.  I loved him, how he made me feel, the ways in which he stretched my limits and helped me grow.  It felt like I was challenged in a way that I needed to evolve in my submission.  I miss that.  It's addicting to find someone who knows how to mind fuck you in just the right way.  And I know better than anyone that when I am moody or stressed or anxious that I need to play and play hard.  Well I haven't done that in a long while since Mr. Wolf and I didn't see each other for a long while before he broke things off.  There's no one here I trust to get me off in that way.  And the few forays I've made into finding someone new have not gone well.  That's why it's so easy to slip back into well why not just go Dutch again.  That's not good for me and as best I can tell he's super not interested so it's an exercise in futility to even engage in the mental acrobatics that it takes to wonder.  It took a minute to find and be keyed into him.  There's no reason why I shouldn't expect the same thing to be the case again.  Even more so now because I can't travel, can't physically connect and cannot escape for even some mindless sex.  As I was driving home yesterday maybe, it dawned on me that I hadn't logged back into fetlife in a while again.  It was the first time in recent months that I didn't think I was missing anything.  Honestly, no one there misses me so that's probably a part of it but it was different.  I wasn't sure that it was ever going to be a regular part of my life again.  And not in that John Baku sucks kind of way but in the there's no reason for me to be in a space where I am neither desired or missed.  It was freeing.  It may be time to let it go.  I'll check on writings there to see if there's anything I want to hold on to long term but I doubt it.  I say all this now because it's late, my nap today has me full of energy and I really want the universe to know that I think it's time for my next evolution.