i'm moody i swear

Saturday, August 07, 2021

Life is hectic and things distract me just when I need it most.  I was in a funk the last few posts to be sure.  I was in my feelings about the Dutchman and why it didn't work out but the truth of the matter is, it doesn't matter why it didn't work out.  It just didn't.  I loved him, how he made me feel, the ways in which he stretched my limits and helped me grow.  It felt like I was challenged in a way that I needed to evolve in my submission.  I miss that.  It's addicting to find someone who knows how to mind fuck you in just the right way.  And I know better than anyone that when I am moody or stressed or anxious that I need to play and play hard.  Well I haven't done that in a long while since Mr. Wolf and I didn't see each other for a long while before he broke things off.  There's no one here I trust to get me off in that way.  And the few forays I've made into finding someone new have not gone well.  That's why it's so easy to slip back into well why not just go Dutch again.  That's not good for me and as best I can tell he's super not interested so it's an exercise in futility to even engage in the mental acrobatics that it takes to wonder.  It took a minute to find and be keyed into him.  There's no reason why I shouldn't expect the same thing to be the case again.  Even more so now because I can't travel, can't physically connect and cannot escape for even some mindless sex.  As I was driving home yesterday maybe, it dawned on me that I hadn't logged back into fetlife in a while again.  It was the first time in recent months that I didn't think I was missing anything.  Honestly, no one there misses me so that's probably a part of it but it was different.  I wasn't sure that it was ever going to be a regular part of my life again.  And not in that John Baku sucks kind of way but in the there's no reason for me to be in a space where I am neither desired or missed.  It was freeing.  It may be time to let it go.  I'll check on writings there to see if there's anything I want to hold on to long term but I doubt it.  I say all this now because it's late, my nap today has me full of energy and I really want the universe to know that I think it's time for my next evolution.


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