when exhaustion meets a new stimuli

Thursday, September 30, 2021 No comments

i think i get to go to bed soon.  i say think because honestly the more tired i've been lately the harder it has been to sleep.  that's my standard procedure though.  after being at work late three nights in a row i mistakenly thought i only had a few things to do today.  nope five meetings and teaching.  i would have been asleep right after dinner but my parental unit doesn't like giving herself shots so i had to wait up until she was comfortable with her insulin reading.  that meant two extra hours of being awake and i pray i don't pay for it later.  being barely awake and explaining the psychological components of fisting to a relative stranger triggered my hind brain and i was horny for the rest of the day.  but so tired that only my mind and vagina were having any kind of party.  i won't detail that now because i really do want to go to sleep lol.  booo to Stepford not being real and cloning not being an option yet.


today was well random

Monday, September 27, 2021 No comments

I normally wake up on Mondays with a ton of plans about how I'm gonna conquer the day.  This morning I got up, went to the bathroom, turned off my alarm and said FUCK IT before promptly laying right on back down.  I didn't stay asleep very long before allegedly going through my wake up routine but about an hour into that, back to sleep.  I was woken up by my phone which I need to work on and then went right on back to dicking around but legit refused to get dressed.  I didn't sit up right for good until like 1 o'clock and that was mostly because a coworker called so I was giggling.  I did a lot of random shit I could do from home but I didn't get to my office till an hour before I had to be in a meeting and then as soon as that wrapped up I came right on back home to do more of nothing.  That's not entirely true.  I grabbed groceries and some Sonic and then home.  It's 9:30 ish now and I did a few things to get ready for tomorrow and run a project I need to get back on top of so I can see what can be found.  Outside of that though I seriously wish I could sleep and do nothing for the rest of the week but meetings start tomorrow at 9.  I can't get in a good long orgasm like I did today.  I won't be able to spew my guts to someone randomly.  And I won't be able to admire my nipples while I lounge around half dressed.  I may be able to rub one out in the shower while listening to Sucker For Pain again.  It did make me want to hand over some rope and take a nap while someone got to work on binding me up tight.  Oh well.


i choose me and i know that makes me selfish love

Saturday, September 25, 2021 No comments

rocking out peacefully to some Sam Smith right now.  lots of information has been coming in at me this week when it comes to my relationship patterns and partners.  it's caused some tears, some aggravation, some anger and some catharsis.  i made bad decisions and i need to own some of that.  not in loving my former partners.  there were, and are, very lovable things about each of them.  i just didn't put myself first when as soon as i should.  i waited for them to love me the way i was loving them and that was a mistake.  had either of us put some of those things on pause better things may have happened.  i don't know because i never forced the issue.  i gave ultimatums that i walked back from.  set timelines that i never enforced.  and i kept hoping.  i'm realizing now that's why i folded in on myself when those relationships finally ended.  i had giving all i had to these moments and it wasn't enough.  that's debilitating mentally and emotionally.  this week brought all that back and in a way i wasn't expecting.  i couldn't have loved them through that.  they needed something other than me: time, space, therapy, whatever it is that wasn't me.  logically i understand that and emotionally i am making peace with that because feeling like you failed at loving the person you loved most in the world is a rough pill to swallow.  i wish, in retrospect, that they maybe put themselves first too.  i'm about as secretive as a three year old sneaking cookies.  everything i want is pretty out there in front.  they wouldn't have lost me had they taking time to get healthy and ready.  maybe i wouldn't have met one of the later ones, who knows, but we can't know now because the truth was sad and painful.  but i can burn some sage, have a drink, dry my eyes, and enjoy my music for now.  we'll all going to be okay if we aren't okay right now.  maybe this is the life lesson i was blessed to learn this particular incarnation of my restless spirit.  love hard but be smart.


randomness that is red

Thursday, September 23, 2021 No comments

hey folks,

i'm going to bed after this but i wanted to post something before i went to bed.  i've been randomly horny for the last two weeks.  it has to be balanced against my sleep cycle because last night kittens wanted to die but my snoring wanted to commence immediately.  tonight i was cresting too long and just had to push myself over the edge.  the toy of choice was surprising but not as firm as i expected it to be.  made me think about if this is going to be perpetual and probably not.  inspiration is coming in peaks and valleys apparently.  the valleys around here much more deeper than i expected so don't be surprised if we're back to randomly discussing life as opposed abuse of my girly bits.  and maybe planning my next trip.

bye for now

Came back to add this after waking up and having a jarring conversation. When I choose to submit to someone it's only after overcoming a ton of anxiety and fear that I may not be enough. The only thing I really need from my partner at that stage is consistency and to keep their word. The slow death of a dynamic throws me off for a long time and has nearly driven me from the lifestyle altogether more than once. I don't want to keep repeating pointless patterns. If you don't really want to be what you have presented yourself to be then please leave me alone. I'd appreciate it. Let my fantasy of who you could be overwhelm the reality of who you are. 


can one have a kink muse or am i just an addict?

Sunday, September 19, 2021 No comments


i have been pondering this for the last few days/weeks what have you.  i know that karamel on fet provided all kinds of musings for me at one point but it wasn't in a "submissive, let me splay myself out for you can give over dominion of myself to you" kind of way.  the man is gorgeous. i could and did fantasize about being tied up with his hair which was luscious when it was loose but makes me thirsty now that it's loc'd. and he was intelligent so yeah the lust factor was like on 12.  but it wasn't like a legit hookup was possible and he was lifestyle adjacent not looking for a dominant role in anyone's life from fet.  


so maybe that wasn't post 800

Friday, September 17, 2021 No comments

Just realized I have some hidden posts to make sure the blog displays correctly.  Ha it doesn't matter.  Life is crazy busy lately.  And weird if I'm going to be honest.  Some good things happened and I'm happy about all the new directions things are going.  Some annoying things happened but--and no offense to the folks I know that are sweet and cool--but white folks are being real white.  I still wish the Dark Connections message board was up and running again because Fet is mostly still trash.  They are helping me with my Dutch though so yeah to the cool Dutch folks that I need to hit up later tonight.  But first I need to go to a work thing in my little black dress that is not little because these are work folks.  Mom is still being mom so there's that.  And I am both single and chill about it really. After my last vent, I was told there was a solution which is great but you know once I get in my feelings I can stay there for a bit.  And I was in the middle of talking to new Dutch friends so I wasn't overly worried about it.  But we kept chatting as well and weird thing there too.  I'm good now.  I'm not tripping over myself in love because that ship has sailed.  I do enjoy a good flirt and knowing now that whatever was unresolved there is kinda done. He was going through some things that put me through some things.  Different things than Mr. Wolf, but still things.  I'm not sure The Dutchman and I will be more than random flirty folks but I'm also okay with that.  Life is life, we live on different continents and even if we didn't, he doesn't exude "one woman man" energy.  Not even sure I would want one primary partner going forward either.  I just know that I'm better now.  Can't say why at all but I'll take it for now.  And if I can hookup with this tattoo artist tomorrow I may be getting some new ink soon.  Yeah organized pain.


Post 800, neat

Friday, September 10, 2021 No comments

This blog has been around almost as long as I have allowed myself to engage in the lifestyle.  I renewed the domain not too long ago because I wasn't sure I was ready to let it go.  It, or my place within the lifestyle.  Honestly, I keep playing that about in my head and I'm trying to figure out seriously whether it's time to take the red or blue pill for lack of a better analogy.  There are things that I greatly love about kink relationships and finding my place in that realm has been affirming in unexpected ways.  In that sense a blue pill would take me away from that and let me drift back into very vanilla and thus openly discussed relationship dynamics with everyone in my life.  Nope it wouldn't be as intriguing in some ways but it would be stable and what not.  The red pill has made things more intriguing in some ways.  Mixing pain with the things that make me happy has been amazing.  But finding the right fit has been a struggle and the people that love on me don't hurt me the right way.  There's no spark right now to keep me wishing that the Dominant partner of my dreams is right around the corner.  We'll have to see.

I had to come back and edit this after a rest.  I have loved being a submissive.  I have loved the high of getting to know a new partner.  The dance of figuring out when and how we fit.  The absolute peace of being owned.  The contentment I felt after a good scene.  No part of me wants to let go of those feelings.  However, every part of me is tired of figuring out how to meet new people. Especially as my career moves me further along certain pathways and my time is more and more limited.  I miss coming home to my partner.  Mr. Good Nhyte kind of spoiled me there and that could be why I was so angry with him when he left instead of doing what I asked and moving his family with us.  It would have been a strain but it would have kept us together.  I wouldn't have met the Dutchman or Mr. Wolf but I don't know that it would have been necessary to find them.  I wish I had the chance to find out instead of being displaced emotionally and psychologically for years until I stumbled on the two of them.  And now a few years removed from one and not as many from the other--that may not be true, they both may have formally left for good in 2019 but whatever--I go through these moments when I can clearly identify what it is I'm missing and why and other days I'm just angry that I ended up single again and they--like always--moved on to the next thing and the next thing like I never even mattered.  Yes that happens in the vanilla world but I have never given as much of myself in a vanilla relationship so it's never mattered to me as much when those ended.  Hell I was probably the chronic replacer in that situation which maybe makes all of this my karmic payback.

If you believe in astrology, Chinese or Western, I am borderline fucked in the reincarnation cycle.  According to the Western folks, if I haven't found my person by the end of this life I won't.  I'm at the end of the chase.  I've felt like I was being run through all my previous life fucked up relationships from jump so I don't think that person is here.  I've also thought I must have been a horrible male partner because I've experienced the worst of bullshit relationship drama since I started dating.  Per Chinese folks, I'm not at the end of the cycle per se but this is my last shot to figure it the fuck out.  Otherwise I'll wander through the rest of them all by myself.  At this point, I don't think I need to wander tied up.  Whatever gratification it has given me isn't necessarily being single for the rest of this soul's eons.  Okay I think I'm done again.


I fucking give up

Sunday, September 05, 2021 No comments

I've been crying off and on for the last hour.  It's the culmination of too much stress and not enough love in my life.  The people I reach out to for support have stopped responding.  Almost none of them have reached out to me first over the last year.  The only kinky person that touched base with me over the last month was to let me know that Mr. Wolf had died and still no one more intimately connected to him has said boo to me about that.  I took a risk and reached out to the Dutchman and said please don't let me find out months or years later that you are gone.  He didn't respond.  In and of itself that is not surprising.  He hasn't responded me me in a long time and I'm just the dumb ass who reaches out hoping for something new.  Tonight I logged onto Fet to see what was happening and decided to refollow folks that had been off my timeline for a while including the Dutchman.  At that point, I see that he has written about my request without acknowledging I ever made it.  And despite how important he was to me, how much time and energy I spent going to see him, and the knots I twisted myself into because of my desire to be with him I was relegated to former play partner.  Not his submissive or slave or even his favorite nickname for me just play partner.  I contemplated railing at him but then I look insane and it doesn't change anything.  I'm still hurt, he's still pondering how to honor my request without actually mentioning that to me and I'm wondering what about this lifestyle is so important to me that I refuse to date people who aren't in it.  I've definitely seen people try to make a vanilla partner work out and well yeah it doesn't but I've been single or suffering way more than I've been happy and content so what is it I'm holding out for here.  I'm so tired.  So very very tired.


i'm still struggling

Thursday, September 02, 2021 No comments

I am tired.  A year plus of working in masks, trying to do my job well, not murdering dumb people who won't wear masks, not traveling, having to pivot with little to no warning, and fighting with my body is killing me.  I've been bugging my mother to massage my scalp.  It helps with hair growth but more important it makes me relax.  It's momentary and doesn't fix the inevitable weirdness that pops up later.  I really want to have slow intense sex for several hours until I fall into a coma.  There's no one around to do that with though and I have no desire to search for them in this precise moment.  Part of that is just really sheer exhaustion and the other part is the realization that I still have these random pangs for a relationship that apparently was destined to not be what I wanted it to be.  I nearly came here and just vomited up all of those angsty feelings but remembered that it doesn't help me to keep rehashing it.  It won't be the first time that I was all in and things just fizzled.  Especially since most days whatever that pang is doesn't exist.  It's normally late at night when I'm trying to sort through something in my head and I know they would make me feel better.  Ahh well.  Eventually this will sort itself out or I'll be so old I just won't care.  I'll miss the spankings though.