I fucking give up

Sunday, September 05, 2021

I've been crying off and on for the last hour.  It's the culmination of too much stress and not enough love in my life.  The people I reach out to for support have stopped responding.  Almost none of them have reached out to me first over the last year.  The only kinky person that touched base with me over the last month was to let me know that Mr. Wolf had died and still no one more intimately connected to him has said boo to me about that.  I took a risk and reached out to the Dutchman and said please don't let me find out months or years later that you are gone.  He didn't respond.  In and of itself that is not surprising.  He hasn't responded me me in a long time and I'm just the dumb ass who reaches out hoping for something new.  Tonight I logged onto Fet to see what was happening and decided to refollow folks that had been off my timeline for a while including the Dutchman.  At that point, I see that he has written about my request without acknowledging I ever made it.  And despite how important he was to me, how much time and energy I spent going to see him, and the knots I twisted myself into because of my desire to be with him I was relegated to former play partner.  Not his submissive or slave or even his favorite nickname for me just play partner.  I contemplated railing at him but then I look insane and it doesn't change anything.  I'm still hurt, he's still pondering how to honor my request without actually mentioning that to me and I'm wondering what about this lifestyle is so important to me that I refuse to date people who aren't in it.  I've definitely seen people try to make a vanilla partner work out and well yeah it doesn't but I've been single or suffering way more than I've been happy and content so what is it I'm holding out for here.  I'm so tired.  So very very tired.


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