the inifity prompt: #8

Monday, October 25, 2021 No comments

I should have expected this but for some reason I did not: Write a letter to yourself five years from now.  Or maybe I did expect it just not so close to the previous prompt.  Meh whatever.  I read this prompt in the morning but between the rain, meetings, and class I'm getting to it over 12 hours later which is probably a good thing.  My brain in the morning isn't always firing on all cylinders. All right let's see what I need to say to future me.


post-signature

First Week Recap

Sunday, October 24, 2021 No comments


 

This is the second Sunday post but I wanted to do this because I have been thinking a lot since I posted he earlier prompt.  I opted to make a recap post for the week just to process the whole experience.  I don't know if I'll keep up the whole weekly recap thing but if I do you will see the image above each time.  I likely won't rehash each post so keep that in mind.  If you want to know how I'm responding to each prompt, you have to read that entry.  So let's get into it.


post-signature

Sunday Afternoon, Rain Is Falling: Prompt 7

This post is probably gonna be rambling after I respond to the prompt: write a letter to yourself five years ago.

October 2016 wow, the timing on these things is intriguing.  The election has not happened yet but you are worried and you were right about all the concerns you had about the country.  You can do little to fix them and things will get much worse before they even begin to crest towards better.  The other thing that you don't know right now is those men you love so fiercely will start slipping away from you very soon.  To be clear, you may have been slipping away from them first.  You were annoyed that Mr. Wolf was not the Dutchman and vice versa if I'm being honest.  You wanted things from each of them they could not give you.  Part of why you didn't get those things is because you can't make people be who you want them to be.  You have told clients that forever.  You have to love who the person is in front of you not who you want them to be.  You struggle with that yourself though and you need to give them some slack for your disappointment.  The other reason you don't get those things is more complex.


post-signature

Back to Life: Prompt 6

Saturday, October 23, 2021 No comments

Today's prompt is as follows: Think about something you wish you had known ten years ago.  If you could go back and give yourself the advice you needed at the time, how would your life change?

Wow that's kind of heavy to even process.  In 2011, I was still at a job I wasn't loving at that point and that was probably bad for my health.  I was either near the end of or coming out of my relationship with Good Nyte.  I was tired, my mother was stressing me out and I needed things to change.  Had I known that the job would only go on for another few years I may have said fuck it and figured out how to make things work with GN.  I didn't want to be where he relocated like at all but I wasn't loving where I was either.  He and my mother got along which was a massive help.  And we worked well together even if it wasn't always completely smooth.  Making a move for my relationship has never happened.  I seriously considered it with the Dutchman and actively discouraged it with Mr. Wolf.  I didn't want Mr. Wolf to be here because he hated the city and I wouldn't want him to think I'd have more time.  Mom is a time suck.  I didn't relocate because mom is not adaptable.  And that's likely why I didn't chase GN when I could have.  Dealing with her mood swings about minor change can kill my brain cells.  Moving somewhere colder, farther away from family and with the added uncertainty of whether the relationship would resolve in the way I wanted to likely would have been too much.  It's a good thought exercise but I don't know that my life would be different now.  Perhaps I'd be in a different job than I am now but so much of my life is good now because of the decisions I made in the years since.  I guess it could be richer in different ways.  Maybe we would have gotten married and maybe we would have had kids but the travel I've done never would have happened in that case.  I likely wouldn't have discovered some of my more depraved sensibilities.  I'm not sure if we'd be doing D/s at all really.  Lots of unknowns with this one.


post-signature

The brain is funny: prompt 5

Friday, October 22, 2021 No comments

I saw the prompt for today a few days ago as I was scrolling through the first week and was kinda wrecked.  Thinking about writing it today isn't bothering me and not because I've had time to process it but because my brain isn't being inundated with other emotions at the same time.  So without further stalling, the prompt for today: How long did it take for you to obtain your collar? What process did you go through for your collar?


post-signature

A Year of Introspection Prompt 3 and 4

Thursday, October 21, 2021 No comments

I am doing both of these now because I forgot about day three and my day four will be a hot mess.  So day three asks the following question: What's the best advice you were ever given.  This has nothing to do with kink in theory but it applies.  And it was that I always had to take care of myself first so that I could take care of the people I care about and do my job well.  Very true statement and when I forget it then parts of my life fall apart.  The problem I sometimes have is that I'm so in my zone that I cannot process anything other than this needs to be done.  I miss my Dominant partner saying sit your dumb ass down before you hurt yourself.  The external perspective works better than my mental flossing.  Dumb I know but it is where I am.


post-signature

365 Days, Prompt Two

Tuesday, October 19, 2021 No comments

Prompt for today: What is something you regret doing?

So this will be a weird post.  In theory, I regret nothing.  While my life may not be on fire with excitement and lusty pronouncements, I wouldn't be in the position I'm in if it were not for those past decisions.  They all connect and again the immediate after effects were sometimes grueling but they made me sit here now and ready to tackle the next thing coming.  For the sake of the prompt, I can say that I regret not standing up for myself more.  I have allowed disrespect from family, friends, colleagues and partners to go on longer than it should have.  I have refrained from trashing other people while I know they were doing the same thing to me elsewhere.  And I have let people have misconceptions of me because it wasn't worth it to me to correct it.  To my mind, if they really wanted to know they would come to me but they didn't so yeah.  I know part of my letting things ride is because of how my irritation, rightful though it may be, is read as anger and out of proportion to what is actually happening.  With partners, I'm sure my submissive brain is short circuiting about how we went from me being desired and valuable to discarded and replaced.  But I didn't see any reason to rail against them either because the people that enjoyed them wouldn't believe me and I would just look like the bitter ex.  So maybe what I regret is having to manage my image with people that only care to see one side of my existence and everything else is unacceptable. 


post-signature

Working on me for a bit

Monday, October 18, 2021 No comments

I posted on fet yesterday that I regret not doing more to grow as a submissive over the last few years and you know me, well some of you do, I had to go do something about that.  I don't know that the discussion prompts will get me there but it was a good use of 14 bucks so we'll see what happens.  I may not write daily because I'm forgetful but I will write.  So here is day one's prompt: What is one of your earliest memories when your submissiveness came to the surface?

So you think I would have forgotten this because I wasn't really aware of what submission was or that it was something that Black women did but that is not the case.  My first fully fleshed out memory of my submissive tendencies coming out was when I was in high school.  I started dated a young man we will just call Barry for the sake of this blog.  Barry and I were every teenage girl's fantasy made manifest.  He was cute, he was funny, everyone liked him and he loved me.  In that teenage way that you are aware you are loved, I knew I was loved.  His mother loved me and my parents begrudgingly accepted the young man that had stolen my heart.  He was intermittently the cutest thing ever and then slightly aggressive but mostly sexually.  It was never in a way that I felt coerced but that I felt like I'd be giving him a gift if we explored whatever it was.  Those requests started to elicit my let me serve you impulse.  He didn't have the knowledge and I didn't have the language to push it beyond the sexual arena.  He pushed my protector brain switch too.  Men that make me feel safe always make my girly bits take flight and my heart right along with it.  So because of him I tried lots of things I wouldn't have and didn't before.  We tried anal, threesomes, role play an a bit of polyamory.  That's probably where we fell apart, well one of the reasons we fell apart.  What I hadn't picked up on when we were together was he fed on my devotion to him and the subtle ways in which I need him.  Barry's problem was he kinda like that vibe in his relationships and without me around he began seeing an ex again who ended up going AWOL trying to maintain their love.  I can roll my eyes and shake my head now but I was hurt at the time thinking all these boundaries we had crossed together only to see that it mattered more to me than him.  However, I can look back now and realize how much I miss serving and submitting to someone and what that lack of connection does to my mood when I explore it.  I forgave him years ago--told him as much on my thank you for teaching me about this aspect of love tour--but I think I need to forgive myself too for not knowing what was triggering me then and why I have pursued certain kinds of men since.  Ahh well, day one down.


post-signature

maybe i'm drowning

i couldn't articulate what i was thinking earlier today while waiting on a response from someone.  the truth of the matter is i feel like i'm drowning.  not literally of course because i can swim and without some assistance i'd probably make it to the shoreline or edge of the pool.  however, i'm drowning in the figurative sense and i cannot figure out how to stop it.  feeling anything again, as opposed to shutting everything down so i could just get through life, has been a hodgepodge of fuckery.  some days i'm high as a kite and wanting to be hurt and demeaned.  other days i'm insecure and needy and just really want to cuddle with the person that i know will soon want to hurt and demean me.  and there are other days i just feel so overwhelmed by whatever it is i'm thinking and feeling that i vacillate from being tearful to angry to convinced that whatever shot i had at being with someone is over and i'll only find someone new if i accept whomever shows interest in me.


post-signature

this is still my safe place

Friday, October 15, 2021 No comments

you've been getting lots of posts from me lately and this is for one reason.  even though this page is open to literally everyone, this is still my safe haven.  i don't feel as exposed here.  honestly no matter what google analytics says i'm pretty sure only a few of you pop over here and you don't stay very long to explore.  posting on fetish boards just draws in a lot of attention that i don't always want as i'm processing my thoughts.  i've been talking to Mr. Good Nyte and The Dutchman off and on for the last few weeks and each conversation throws my brain into different spaces.  they aren't doing anything deliberate--at least not Mr. Good Nyte--but you know my brain likes to overwork literally everything. 


post-signature

realizations and frustrations

Sunday, October 10, 2021 No comments

i like anonymity, clearly, and because of my race, occupation and family structure then without it i run the risk of losing everything i really care about.  i've been reflecting a lot lately on what i lose maintaining that anonymity.  parts of my body are shared with the universe but never my face.  my partners never get to share photos of me on social media that display our dynamic accurately.  i've only taken like serious photos with one and that was likely a decade ago.  my ideal photo shoot will never take place more than likely.  a cuffed, bound, leashed version of me will never be immortalized fully.   my tear stained face has maybe only been captured once and that was because that partner was "greedy" and enjoying all the new ways he could torment me.  i know what i have asked for and why i do it.  i miss not being on display though.  it's a weird dichotomy in my brain.  i want to be fully owned and claimed but i need to maintain my privacy before pervy colleagues try to exploit what they see as a vulnerability.  life would be oodles simpler if i was just a straight girl who liked straight guys and wanted nothing more than to settle down, have babies, and live in a house we can sorta kinda barely afford.  but that's not where my brain rests and it causes havoc in the end.

i realized something else today when i saw a photo.  one of my exes is the super perverted way more depraved version of a different ex.  not sure why that popped in my head today.  They don't look alike.  They have very little in common.  but the photo made my brain go so yeah you're a dumbass for missing this for such a long time.  then my brain went so you know that means you just keep finding men who are not able to really be with you because you just ended up dating the more extreme version of that one.  i don't know if that's entirely true but you know submissive brains can go zero to homeless (or dom-less in this case) in a nanosecond.  and if you didn't know that now you do.  this is one of those moments i wish i was in a kinky hallmark movie.  i could wake up and have a do over.  i'm not sure who i would choose instead or if i would be allowed to choose at all.  but i'm frustrated that even the digital game versions of me are being tied up and fucked well while i'm sorting through is there someone willing to give me what i want in a relationship at all.  for real y'all, digital me is getting the business.  ahh well it will be whatever it is in the end right.


post-signature

time for a change

Saturday, October 09, 2021 No comments

At least this one is planned and anticipated.  I spent some time today starting to work through my old clothes.  I still have a ton to do but I had been putting it off.  We're going to be moving soon and it's time to leave some of these things behind.  Another t-shirt quilt may be in the offing.  Some clothes will make their way to the donation bin.  I'm looking at other things, old books and old tech that will probably just be trashed.  The one thing about being in one place for a while is you accumulate things.  As a younger person, I was holding on to things just in case and really they were great for memories when I touched them.  But most of these things are tucked away for months or years at a time and it doesn't help me to hold on to them.  I want to take as little with me as humanly possible.  I want to add things to this new home that fits that space and not cram what we have been carrying along with us for 20 plus years and making it fit into the new space.  That doesn't mean everything will be abandoned but in order to build a space that makes sense for this phase of our lives.  Convincing my forever roommate of that is an ongoing process but it's going to be necessary.  We need to see what life looks like with fresh energy and pieces that fit where we are going not where we have been.  I'm excited about each of us having our own space in this new home and a big backyard.  Gonna need to sage it and bless it but it's a chance for growth in a space we chose because we wanted to not because we were pressed for time.  I'm feeling like that in other parts of my life as well.  I'm enjoying the pull back approach.  I'll find the right person at the right time.  Until then, I'll enjoy flirting a bit and killing kittens when I need to (umm please read my blog before you think I'm a weirdo murdering kittens.  It's an ongoing joke).


post-signature

still processing me

Wednesday, October 06, 2021 No comments

the last few days has been annoying.  i was notified by my job that i was a close contact and needed to be aware of symptoms of COVID and get tested as soon as i could.  lovely as you tell me sunday around ten and i can't get a test before tuesday morning at that stage.  i can allegedly go to work since i've been vaccinated but last i heard breakthrough infections were a thing and even if i wasn't symptomatic i could shed the virus to other folks so i've been working at home the last few days and hiding from mom so that i didn't accidentally get her sick.  test processed this afternoon and thankfully i'm good a week past exposure.  i may take another one if i start feeling crappy but for right now i'm gonna go with God and enjoy it.

beyond that, i am forcing myself to remain present.  i don't know what is going on with anyone else just like i doubt they knew what was going on with me.  i know what i like and i know that it's unique to me.  i know that i tend to be attracted to men that do not on any level function the way i like which is a journey on the struggle bus for my brain and emotions.  today though after i spent time thinking about the people i'm interacting with in the moment that it wasn't healthy to be worried about the things i was worried about.  whatever is meant to be is what will be and nothing more or less.  

i will not meet a nice tall man with an accent in my town anytime soon.  mostly because i go no where, the ones i have met are married and not people i can imagine tying me up or spanking me or drilling me into oblivion.  i likely can't travel anytime soon, even if i was trusting of air travel at the moment, which sucks because i just a 600 dollar flight to my favorite city outside of going home, it would have given me a passport stamp and kept my odd year travel plan in place.  but i can't be gone for a week during a semester especially since one the days i would be gone is a day i have to present albeit virtually at a conference.  i don't know that the person i would likely see would be able to keep themselves distracted while i was a professional without also distracting me.

i really do just have to be okay with not forcing situations to manifest the way i want them to.  i can do that with some things--like getting back to the gym tomorrow.  but i cannot do that in this realm if the relationship is to be with the right person and that person has to assuage my fears and remind me they are a safe harbor for me to rest in whenever i can be with them.  it's a work in process to pull back and stop wanting but i have to do that if i want to be happy and healthy.  plus as i just reminded my ex there are perks to being my person lol.


post-signature

everything is hard because my brain makes it so lol

Monday, October 04, 2021 No comments

 


  1. I think too long and too hard about things.  
  2. I pick things apart and wonder what I missed.  
  3. I want people to express themselves the same way I do.  
  4. I realize they won't do that no matter how many times I want that to be the case. 
  5. I try to make peace with what they are able to do.  
  6. I do for like 48 hours and then overreact again.
  7. I really do make peace with it because it's not worth all that angst.
  8. I fixate on someone or something else, usually work. 

post-signature

Falling Back Into Myself

Saturday, October 02, 2021 No comments

 

I've been posting a lot lately which I admit is weird after years of being inconsistent at best.  I've been processing things more and instead of mulling them over in my head and driving myself crazy, I update the blog.  Today after I sorted through more adulting I actually did what I planned to do so that I can take better care of myself.  I got up and ran to the gym.  I just did weights today but I felt tension leave my body over the course of the hour or so I was there which is lovely.  I ran into the store to see if they still had my favorite workout pants.  They did not but I grabbed a pair I hope will work.  I almost ran into another store before I looked at the parking lot and said not today Satan.  I had lunch and got started on elements for dinner.  I know it sounds like super basic things and it is.  But when I'm actually attentive to my needs I do these things.  And the more of them I did the more a different facet of my personality got to reemerge.  I haven't had a chance to explore this part as of late because I need to be feeling settled in my submissive personality before I can fully embrace my service side of things.  Even though this is service to myself, I miss Kinky Klaire as I used to call her.  That's the part of me that loves vintage aprons, pinup looks and homemade everything when it comes to food.  This part of me is usually healthier too.  


post-signature

It's been an interesting day

Friday, October 01, 2021 No comments

I turned off my alarm because this morning I had no meetings and no place to be before 10.  I checked my messages, ignored email, scanned fet, did my morning routine and nodded off again until I really had to be awake.  I was looking forward to hearing from someone and as of yet that has not occurred.  For a moment, that sent my brain into a funky place.  Submissive brain is a weird push pull of anxiety, fear, love, lust and stupid.  My submissive brain is probably all of that plus an off switch.  It takes nearly everything in me to flip the switch off but after the initial tidal wave got going I had no choice.  Just so no one thinks I'm speaking for them, when EYE am intrigued by someone the main thing I need from them is regular communication.  It can be about literally anything but I need it.  If I don't get it, or at least if it's not consistent, then my brain starts to wonder if I was misreading signals.  Were they just being friendly?  Was I not clear enough in my interest? Did I say something that turned them off?  It can overwhelm everything else I need to be thinking about until something else pushes them down and I get distracted.  But the moment there's a bit of downtime, it will come back and come back hard.  Today as I slid into my next duty the downtime crashed with my other irritation which isn't great but at the end of it I was relieved.

I knew I had to be a taxi today because mom can't drive.  I thought we needed to be there earlier than we did but hey whatever that's not a huge deal.  Her appointments tire me out because she legit forgets things and then gets upset when I fill in.  Traffic was a mess leaving so we went the back way and then shit went sideways.  She's not really enjoying being out of the house due to COVID but she also forgets 90 things before I go to pick up the groceries which necessitates a trip inside the store.  For a visual, shopping with my mother is like letting a petulant 13 year old into a shopping area with just enough money to be dangerous but not enough sense to be efficient. Many just want it purchases, almost no actually need it right now purchase and is then frustrated with me because I just wanna go back to bed.  Everything's tucked away and then she realizes she's put something she needs in a box but isn't sure where the box is so won't I go grab it from the store for her.  No I will not, here's some extra leave me alone please and thank you. 

After I ate, I felt better which is a good thing I know.  But the other thing happened, my subbie brain finally said girl I'm tired.  And honestly so was the rest of me.  It's pointless to wonder if you're enough for anyone.  They are either going to make it plain and you will get what you need from that moment.  Or they are going to do something else.  You, or in this case I, can't cajole them into behaving differently.  In relationships, we all function differently.  I'm sure I can seem needy and clingy to potential partners but there's a reason for that.  It takes me what feels like lifetimes to click with people and even longer to trust them with my submission.  Once I'm in, I'm all in and will let you do nearly anything to me.  I will let you push on boundaries and reshape me a bit.  I will explore the darkest parts of both of us because I'm fascinated by what may arise.  I mean within reason, I'm not insane but I can feel that way when my submissive brain has engaged and is left alone wondering what I'm supposed to do next.  And I was feeling that off and on all day until both I and my brain came to an agreement.  It's not worth it this time.  I have to enjoy my day to day without anyone in it stroking my hind brain into action.  And I have to breathe through my own disappointment without being tugged under a riptide.  So now I'm plotting dinner and am glad that I haven't been stress eating.  Tomorrow may be awash with crazy town but right now I'm gonna chill and enjoy homemade chimichurri.


post-signature