still processing me

Wednesday, October 06, 2021

the last few days has been annoying.  i was notified by my job that i was a close contact and needed to be aware of symptoms of COVID and get tested as soon as i could.  lovely as you tell me sunday around ten and i can't get a test before tuesday morning at that stage.  i can allegedly go to work since i've been vaccinated but last i heard breakthrough infections were a thing and even if i wasn't symptomatic i could shed the virus to other folks so i've been working at home the last few days and hiding from mom so that i didn't accidentally get her sick.  test processed this afternoon and thankfully i'm good a week past exposure.  i may take another one if i start feeling crappy but for right now i'm gonna go with God and enjoy it.

beyond that, i am forcing myself to remain present.  i don't know what is going on with anyone else just like i doubt they knew what was going on with me.  i know what i like and i know that it's unique to me.  i know that i tend to be attracted to men that do not on any level function the way i like which is a journey on the struggle bus for my brain and emotions.  today though after i spent time thinking about the people i'm interacting with in the moment that it wasn't healthy to be worried about the things i was worried about.  whatever is meant to be is what will be and nothing more or less.  

i will not meet a nice tall man with an accent in my town anytime soon.  mostly because i go no where, the ones i have met are married and not people i can imagine tying me up or spanking me or drilling me into oblivion.  i likely can't travel anytime soon, even if i was trusting of air travel at the moment, which sucks because i just a 600 dollar flight to my favorite city outside of going home, it would have given me a passport stamp and kept my odd year travel plan in place.  but i can't be gone for a week during a semester especially since one the days i would be gone is a day i have to present albeit virtually at a conference.  i don't know that the person i would likely see would be able to keep themselves distracted while i was a professional without also distracting me.

i really do just have to be okay with not forcing situations to manifest the way i want them to.  i can do that with some things--like getting back to the gym tomorrow.  but i cannot do that in this realm if the relationship is to be with the right person and that person has to assuage my fears and remind me they are a safe harbor for me to rest in whenever i can be with them.  it's a work in process to pull back and stop wanting but i have to do that if i want to be happy and healthy.  plus as i just reminded my ex there are perks to being my person lol.


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