I somehow injured myself in my sleep...again

Monday, November 29, 2021 No comments

I really don't know how but I jacked up my foot overnight.  I limped around all day today but not sure if I can pull that off all day tomorrow.  I may do my early meetings and head home.  We'll see when I wake up.  I may just have to Zoom in and go to bed.  This may be short depending on the prompt and yep my recap post is late again.  But since the painkillers have not kicked in I'm not about to gut through the post.

Are you active in groups or communities with others in a similar lifestyle? Do you prefer to focus on your dynamic or to socialize and be involved with others?  Ideally, I'd love to be active in communities.  But right now I'm having to recreate those connections.  Dark Connections was my spot and it migrated and thrived for a while on Fetlife but now those folks have largely stepped away from the board.  Additionally, what used to feel more inclusive and bonded by our shared kink has started to mimic real life and the grossness on other social media platforms is there.  And ideally I'd like to be able to focus on my dynamic and socialize but if I only had one it would be the dynamic more than likely.  My good friends are still there regardless.


Sunday my old friend, we meet again

Sunday, November 28, 2021 No comments

There's a lot on my mind again.  I may get to it and honestly I may not.  Let's do the prompt that I looked at early this morning and then went to bed.  How has your Dominant encouraged you to grow as a person?  As a submissive?

So right before bed my initial thought was that they don't per se or have not in the past.  In reflecting after some sleep, I'd say it's more nuanced.  My Dominant partners have not had to encourage me to grow as a person because I am always trying to grow as a person.  They didn't discourage any of my pursuits but I always had them.  Sometimes they may point out ways to do it easier or better but overall they were just really good cheerleaders.  As a submissive, it was to grow in what I needed to do for them which is what I would expect.  It wasn't develop these set of skills in general but more that I should develop these skills for my relationship with them.  I don't know that I've seen a different model and I honestly was not disappointed in how that progressed.  I only bumped heads with a Dominant partner because they wanted me to communicate in ways that were contrary to how I typically behave but there was nothing to be gained but an ego stroke for them.  Maybe there was but we never came to a good place on those things.


Where Kink Does Not Match Real Life

Saturday, November 27, 2021 No comments

Going to tackle the prompt first: Do you have a mentor? If you sought out a mentor, would you want one that is submissive or Dominant?

I do not have a mentor.  I have at other times sought out submissive women to mentor me but each declined for a variety of reasons and after the third one I stopped asking.  Nothing at all wrong with being unavailable or not seeing yourself in that kind of role but it was a little deflating at the time.  I know that there are things that prevent us from viewing ourselves as experts and heck we don't always have energy to extend ourselves but I had been hopeful that I could learn from people who knew more than I had.  The only person that extended themselves a little would have taught me about corsets in depth but I couldn't go to events enough to make that work.  She was lovely, may still be lovely, but that wasn't going to help me be a better submissive in my mind.  Learning how not to breathe while looking fierce is fascinating but my partners weren't that invested in corsets and there was/is so much that I wanted to learn outside of dressing the part.  I have considered seeking a mentor again and would like it to be someone on my side of the slash but honestly I've had enough rejection in that realm.  I can't fully envision Dominant mentors.  Not because they would be bad at it but because I think one of us may not be able to maintain the boundaries that are needed, most likely me, to have an effective mentoring relationship that doesn't blur the line with a dynamic.  I feel like the cross slash mentoring I've seen is more like testing the waters to see what may come of a dynamic. 

I am a mentor to lots of folks in my vanilla life.  And it's because women have happily mentored me in various stages of my career.  There aren't a lot of us in my field.  There are even fewer of us that are Black women.  So minority women and men flock to me for assistance and I'm happy to give it.  Even when that devolves into tough love, they receive it and I deliver it as much as I can.  I am ignoring a former student right now but that's because they don't listen after asking for assistance so I don't feel like extending myself.

Yeah that's all I'm gonna write about for now.  Other things are on my mind but I don't have words for it all right now.


Got my booster shot, cussed no one out, that's it

Friday, November 26, 2021 No comments

I'm not sure what I thought I'd do today in the means of being productive but I didn't get there.  Several purchases are on hold mostly because the person that birthed me has taken tap dancing on my last good nerve to new levels.  I still need to go eat fucking around with her.  One thing is on hold until I know I can used stashed money for it.  And if not then it will have to wait a few more months/weeks or what have you because I just don't feel like making big purchases with my real money until I'm settled again.  Ahh well, here's the prompt for today: Name one fictional character who would be a good role model for an aspiring submissive and explain why?

I literally don't have a clue about how to answer this.  It really depends on what kind of submissive you are trying to be.  Want to be in a toxic dysfunctional dynamic that keeps you in a frenzy when they aren't doing questionable things that may kill you?  Then Harley Quinn is your girl and please avoid me because the damage that will ensue is not cute.  Want to look sheepish but drive your partner insane trying to claim you?  Try Maggie Gyllnehal's character in The Secretary.  Want to kick ass and take names on your own time but ultimately find a man strong enough to tame you?  Selina Kyle/Catwoman traipsing after Batman may work.  I really think it would have worked better in the movie had they not tried to create a redemption arc with Michelle and Michael.  It's trash with Anne and Christian for entirely different reasons.  That movie was just garbage.  Want to do those things but be undermined and overlooked because of your skin tone?  Katherine Johnson technically isn't fictional but her movie representation isn't completely factual.  She found her boo, or Taraji P. Hensen did after they ignored her until they needed her.  You want to live the 50 Shades movement but without the stalker billionaire?  Try Beauty in the Anne Rice novels. Heck I'd venture you could play that dynamic out with Buffy and Angel but not Buffy and Spike.  As she said in a late series episode she was still cookie dough but the men that baked her were undead and had time to wait.  With the exception of Beauty and Katherine though most of these don't have happy endings and the ways in which women found their power in their relationships was painful and potentially exhausting.  I think fictional people get the benefit of not having to second guess themselves and still find a happy ending.  The rest of us though yeah not the case.  I think if you want to be an aspiring submissive we should spend more time with actual people, learning their actual successes and failures and finding a way forward all the same.


Yeah yeah I'm late again, spank me

Thursday, November 25, 2021 No comments

I don't really have a good excuse for not posting Wednesday.  Lots of emotions, one step closer to new beginnings and relief at decisions that must be made.  Talked to Good Nyte for a while and then forgot about posting.  Happy Thanksgiving for anyone that's up already.  

Wednesday's Prompt: Is focus something you strive for in your life?  Do you meditate or do other practices which allow you to focus?  I am looking for calm more often than I used to do but it's not a central focus or tenet in my life most of the time.  I do things that make me calm but it's a by product of the thing not the reason I do the thing. Cooking, baking and working out are because I like to eat and need to not gain 90K pounds.  The fact that I feel better after each of those things is a happy coincidence more than anything else.  I mean sex would fall in there too but really not doing that right now so that may just be a memory and not factual in the slightest.  Long story short, not a goal but a happy accident when it occurs.

Thursday's Prompt: Are there areas in your life where you are encouraged to be independent?  I read this and literally laughed. I was always encouraged to be independent by my parents in almost all of the things.  As a result, I tend to make partners feel horribly unwanted because I'm not falling over myself in need of them.  I am working on that but I think needy when I hear I need someone and that is not a good luck nor a feeling I enjoy.  I tend to only get needy when I feel off balance.  My reaction to the Dutchman was needy. He didn't encourage dependence, it was just a side effect of feeling seen and having part of my psyche pushed in new ways.  Ahh well, let's not dwell there.  I am super independent and honestly have been better when people shut me down and make me be still for a while.


I Smell Sex and Candy, Guess Who's Late Yeah

Tuesday, November 23, 2021 No comments

I do smell candy, cashew toffee to be exact.  I might smell sex if I opt to masturbate before I go to bed.  Not sure on that since I'm already up past bedtime and probably just need to lay down at this point.  It's been a LONG four days but I loved it and I'm full in a way that going to other conferences and conventions doesn't get me there.  Looking at the prompts now this won't take long.

Monday's prompt: Do you go to public/open play parties or dungeons? What sort of experience is it for you?  Umm not really.  I don't do public scenes for reasons I've detailed before but being Black, female, living in a conservative area with a conservative job it's legit not worth the risk.  I've gone to private events in the past but nothing recently which is a frequent point of discussion with a submissive friend about how we could change that experience for both of us but as of yet we got jack shit.  I can't even pretend to imagine what that experience would be like either because it's a level of privilege I don't have even the slightest bit of access to.

Today/Tuesday's prompt: What are you reading or studying right now that could improve your level of submission or service? Nothing really.  I'm learning new languages but that's mostly for me.  I can't say that I'm studying cooking really but I like to learn new recipes.  Right now I'm just trying not to curse at people a lot.  That's it.  

But how about Iman Shumpert winning dancing with the stars and Jojo Siwa coming in second?  I was just happy the dancing barbie came in last place.  After that all was well with me and either Jojo or Iman would have been fine.  I'm glad it was him though cause yeah I am.


Failure to Summarize: End of Week 5


This is clearly late but I've been in a convention for the last four days and honestly I didn't have a lot to say about the last week.  I may have been surprised by a few things but nothing that made me feel like I was doing this massive self discovery.  I think what I was talking about here was meshing with my professional life in terms of things progressing and advancing.  That's about it though.  Since I'm also late on the prompt for Monday, I'm going to go work on that and the one for Tuesday.  Be blessed.


7 More Days: End of Week 5

Sunday, November 21, 2021 No comments

This has been a good weekend for me.  I'm feeling more aligned with my purpose outside of kink.  We will see how long that lasts.  The prompt for today is: What's one thing you want to accomplish before you retire?

Honestly, professionally I've done most of the things I have set out to do well before I retire.  I might seek out another promotion but I've started a lot of things, am in the progress of bringing other things to fruition.  Maybe poor in enough money into my 401K so that I'm not freaking out about being older and alone but in terms of accomplishments I've done a lot.  Maybe I'll change my answer at the end of the day but yeah right now there's not a goal to shoot for.  The next steps that other people might see for me are not things I'm interested in being or doing.


Recharging in other pursuits

Saturday, November 20, 2021 No comments

I like when the universe aligns.  My prompt for tonight is: Within the next year, how can you improve your submission?  You may be wondering why that perfectly aligns and it's because I'm doing something this weekend that makes me blissfully happy and has nothing to do with submission.  Sometimes I get so laser focused on being a better submissive that I forget about all the things that make my life rich that have literally NOTHING to do with kink.  That matters because when I am happy and fulfilled then I can be a better version of myself for my partner.  I love what I'm doing this weekend in ways I can't really detail right now and it made me remember how blissfully happy I was when I started doing it so yeah I need to do more to engage with that part of who I am too.  And to do that in other ways too.  Can I engage with the things that make me light up from the inside again?  Those things make me more interesting, more settled, provide me peace and mean I am not needy, clingy, overthinking or any of the other things that impair my submission.  They also fulfill my need to serve in a non kinky way.  I want to make my life as joyful as possible so I can give that joy freely in and outside of BDSM.


It's Friday and it's been a mixed bag

Friday, November 19, 2021 No comments

I've been looking forward to today for a while.  I had limited meetings.  I was meeting with my doctor to figure out how to use my HSA to fund some much needed exercise intervention and a massage was rounding out the day.  All of that happened but with the extra added bonus of the verdict in the Rittenhouse trial.  I mean not at all shocked but it definitely threw off the mood.  But I came home to another pick me up and got dinner and the only thing I haven't done that I thought I would is have a drink.  I had a cupcake instead and I'm going to take it.  I'm going to try to get this prompt posted before midnight but I'm struggling if I'm honest.  If another big yawn overtakes me I may just be doing this bright and early in the morning.  Prompt: Do you know any 'dying' skills like sewing, hand quilting, soap making, canning, etc? How does this improve your service? What skills would you like to take the opportunity to learn?  That's a lot to unpack so we'll see how well this goes.


Month 2: Prompt 32

Thursday, November 18, 2021 No comments

I'm watching this as Stephanie Mills and Chaka Khan are singing on Verzuz right now so I may get distracted.  Here's the prompt: Who or what inspires you in your life?

Honestly I find and have found lots of people inspiring and this list is not exhaustive.  I'll get to them and the things in turn.  Inspiration can be found anywhere if we are open to it and I try to remain open to the universe as much as I can.  It keeps me going in between the tired parts and the moments that I just don't think I can string it together.

So first things that inspire me:

  • Traveling in general
  • Friendly people while I'm traveling
  • Good food
  • Happy babies and animals
  • While I don't want to be up enough to see them, a good sunrise
  • Those purple sunsets
  • A good massage, scalp massage or pedicure
  • A wonderful book
  • A song that touches my spirit in just the right way

People that inspire me:

  1. My family even when they get on my nerves, each one of them has overcome something and continues to love and work hard
  2. Kids again, they are the most realistic and honest people you can have inf your lives
  3. Prince, even though he's gone he's still imparting information on my life when I need it
  4. Pink cause she's kind of badass
  5. Most of the classic R&B divas because see number 1
  6. Musicians in general cause they give me love in ways I don't know how to ask for but desperately need
  7. Writers cause they create worlds I can escape into
  8. People in love in general, happy love is amazing, Black love is even better for me
  9. Mentors and mentees, cause they pour into me and let me pour into them
  10. Lots of folks I'm probably forgetting


Almost Doing Nothing + Prompt 31

Wednesday, November 17, 2021 No comments

My schedule has opened up today in the most random of ways so I'm going to enjoy it.  I may go get a pedicure or I may do not a damn thing after I support someone later today.  I'll come back to that later.  Let me get through this prompt first.  Today's writing trigger: Is there any information you wished you came across early on in your submissive journey?  Is there something you wish existed then or even now?  Because I know both responses are gonna take a minute, I'm gonna go ahead and create the page break NOW because I have no idea where I'd break it up eventually.


The Dirty Thirty

Tuesday, November 16, 2021 No comments

Up watching tennis.  Trying to manage some aches and pains that are creeping in because I'm tired as fuck and still have a full week of shit to do only the last two of which are to make me happy.  Debating ditching work but I shouldn't because next week is short due to the holiday but I really really want to do so.  Like I'd love to go back to sleep for a bit but yeah not possible either right now.  Just wanted to set the scene before I respond to this prompt: Does your submission let you build on your strengths?  Do you have any strengths and talents that you're not using at the moment?

So I'll be honest and say I went WTF when I saw this.  I don't know that anyone has challenged me to build on a strength while being a submissive.  That is not to say I haven't been challenged OR that I haven't grown.  Just that no one has said you are really good at X and I need to see you improve here.  Or you are good at Y but if you use the talent you have in X to make Y better.  But it's not also not something I've asked for in my dynamics or at least not clearly.  I've not even directly asked that someone push a boundary.  I've given them tacit permission to do so but nothing explicit there either.  Part of this year of writing, 335 more to go yippee, is about me figuring some of that out.  I can be better for myself period.  Maybe that will make me better for someone else or maybe it makes me a devoted pug lady when I get older lol.  They are cute and will match my chilling out vibe.  So I guess the first answer is no because it hasn't come up.  The second response is not really.  I've been pulled in lots of directions personally and professionally lately that are putting my talents on display.  Outside of serving my Dominant partner in some way, I'm using all the other resources up.  There ya go.


Almost a milestone: Prompt 29

Monday, November 15, 2021 No comments

This prompt was not what I was anticipating, again lol, but it makes sense in the context of what had been going on.  Have you attended a munch group?  What were your impressions?  Have you been back?  Why or why not?

I have literally never been to a munch group.  Typically the areas I live in are lacking in diversity and I would stand out like a sore thumb to use an old saying.  This plus the conservative nature of my career means I rarely interact in public spaces.  I almost went when I relocated here and had been looking for a munch group that was out of my town but as I checked out the guest list I realized I knew at least one person from our common occupation and didn't want them to be awkward at the munch or at work.  Especially since I had just got there and they could be in a position to evaluate my work.  I like the social aspects of what munches have to offer but I only hang out in BDSM spaces when I out of the area and when they are largely inhabited by POC.  I'd love to have that option here but considering my desire to eat regularly and not be 1) fetishzied or 2) fired then keeping my private life private is my best option while I live here.  Maybe if I relocate or if my future partner wants to give it a go but that's a huge maybe.  POC social circles are so much so even a rumor about something kinky could ruin relationships for me and my mother and it's not worth that.  So there you go.  No munches for red.


Weekly Recap: 4 Weeks, 28 or so posts

Sunday, November 14, 2021 No comments

I just got through crying and I can say it had nothing to do with my submission or my single status.  Someone shared one of those military parents reuniting with children after a long absence videos and boy those are good for a few cleansing tears.  This week was about healing and pushing forward.  I got to remember people I love/d and I got to remember to love on me.  I worked on managing my own emotions, expectations and energy so that I'm not feeling out of control.  It's okay to have moments when you are swept up and hell I miss those moments but not being in a consistent good place or being easily thrown out of that place by what someone else does or doesn't do isn't ideal.  No one needs to appear for me to realize this.  I just needed to refocus.  I didn't entirely stick to my plan but that was a good thing too.  In the last four days, people have popped up out of nowhere and subtly or aggressively wanted my attention.  If anyone of them struck me as a vibe to explore, I would have but since they didn't I just got back to work on taking care of me and the stuff I need to do.  I can't say this will be a forever mood but I'm grateful for it now.  The rest of the plan will work itself out slowly but surely.  And so will I.


28 Days Later

So we have made it to the fourth week with timing being the biggest contributor to me forgetting to post not just me being forgetful.  Some things have changed and other things have not.  I'll get to that in my recap post though.  For now let's get to the prompt for today which is: Over the past week, what did you do to bring yourself closer to reaching your submissive goals?  What can you do over the coming week to achieve further progress?  

In all honesty, my initial thought was nothing.  Shit I've been busy as we rush towards a move, work and the holidays approach.  That's not entirely true though.  I've been thinking about submitting more.  I started a space on Fetlife that I need to invite people to.  I bought some things that evoked moments of submission for me.  And I've been talking to people more about where I am and what I am thinking about.  Then there's also been moments when I recognized that someone isn't wanting to connect to me and instead of letting it put me in a spiral like normal, I said my piece and kept it moving.  It's not like I have no emotion there because I do.  But it wasn't helping me to stay mired in that emotion when it's not reciprocated.  I can be stupid sometimes but not indefinitely.  That's not a good look now is it.  And I've been working on improving me overall.  I'm happier when I get my hair done regularly so I got that taken care of yesterday.  Friday I have a doctor's appointment to work on the next wave of self-improvement and a massage after that.  I also managed to not get snared into the emotional cesspool of good sex with an ex who messaged me out of the blue.  He's luscious, the sex is amazing and he always fucking smells good.  I legitimately just talked about him in terms of bad decision making last week.  My fault for not assuming that meant he'd be making an appearance soon.  But I actually busy the entire time he's here and there's nothing anyone could tell me to make me skip my massage to drive to meet him.  So I did a lot of internal work and self care so good for me.  Next week I think I'm just gonna keep doing the same thing cause why the hell not.  I have to remember to love me regardless of what anyone else is doing period.


Nothing Worse Than Being Thirsty: Prompt 27

Saturday, November 13, 2021 No comments

I heard the blog title in the car on the way home today.  It was in the lyric from a new to me Andy Grammar song.  It's somewhat out of context BUT really does fit the prompt so here we go.  What is your favorite scene from a book or movie that evoked a sense of your submission?

When I read this earlier I was dumbfounded because that whole adage of Your Kink is Not My Kink (YKINMK) popped into my head.  Most kinky books don't do a thing for me at all because it is all centered around acts that say "look I'm kinky" as opposed I'm submissive and enjoying this dynamic.  The only time I've ever had a moment that resonated with me and was like ok fuck you are my people was when I read a few different books.  The first I'll talk about is Diary of a Submissive by Sophie Morgan.  I'm sure I said so at the time but I felt like Sophie and I were cut from the same high functioning textbook submissive cloth.  It was comforting to not see a woman broken down and convinced to submit to some hulking man who whisked her away from her hum drum life.  And the book didn't necessarily have a neat and tidy ending which felt more genuine than some other books that I hadn't finished or even the Story of O which everyone swears should awaken submission in most of us.  I loved it and it made me feel at peace that I wasn't even more abnormal than I had been feeling.  So yeah book one just made me feel like I had company.  And I must give credit to the Dutchman because I never would have known it existed had he not shared it with me.


It's Friday y'all: Prompt 26

Friday, November 12, 2021 No comments

I did some work but mostly was chilling today.  The prompt is going to be the bulk of this post.  Prompt is: How much input do you want to have when planning a scene?  How much do you want to know about the Dominant's plans before they happen?

Honestly outside of making sure we review hard limits, soft limits and kinks I haven't wanted a ton of input in the scene.  I mean let's make sure you know my safe word and that it's unlikely that I will use it so you're going to have to watch me and make sure I haven't totally checked out.  Knowing what the plan is ahead of time wouldn't really help me because then I start making an image in my head of how I want things to play out which isn't necessary beneficial for anyone involved.  A disappointed me isn't fun for anyone involved so it's probably better to keep the updates pretty much in the moment.  Tell me you're going to cut off my clothing a few minutes before it happens.  Well maybe tell me that part ahead of time so I can wear things I don't mind being cut off.  Whispering you're about to tie me up and fuck me right before you get out the rope and yep happy girl.  There's a lot I don't need to know before it happens.  That's probably because I've only been with partners that fired up my imagination ahead of time.  Not sure what would come up with someone that I was getting to know. 


Work work work: Prompt 25

Thursday, November 11, 2021 No comments

I don't have to go into the office tomorrow after a long work week and I am so excited to be able to turn off my fucking alarm I cannot at all explain it to you.  I'm going to post this and watch tennis or Hallmark or masturbate.  Who cares?  I can sleep in.  So here's today's prompt: How do you see your submission maturing and changing in a year, five years, ten years?

So that was not what I was expecting.  I've been deliberately not skipping ahead so that I am not processing things ahead of schedule.  Part of why I am working on this year of self reflection is I want to be a better version of my submissive self.  I have been realizing that I engage in no growth when I am single/unclaimed whatever you want to call it and that doesn't help me or anyone that I might serve.  I don't know exactly where I'll end up at the end of this process but I'm glad for questions like this because it gives me something to work towards or admit that I need to do better with.  I'll work through the prompt after the break.


Maybe a bit more introspective: Prompt 24

Wednesday, November 10, 2021 No comments

So I read this before I went to bed last night and it was enough of a brain teaser that I went to bed.  I'm not sure where this post will end up going so don't blame me if it's meandering as fuck.  Without further delay, here's the prompt: When you are near the end of your life, reflecting on your choices and the years you have lived, what would you like to remember? 

Some days it feels like I'm already near the end of my life because I'm just exhausted but this is something I've considered.  Am I living my life fully enough that when it's over I'll be thrilled or full of regret?  Some days, months and years I am definitely going all the fuck way out and it's amazing and I may have done a few stupid things along the way but never enough that I regret booking the ticket, eating the food or kissing the boy.  There are other days, months and years where I'm barely hanging on to adulting let alone doing something entertaining or fun.  I have done a ton of cool things and then some dull as shit things.  My life tends to be cyclical in that way.  Like I go too hard too long and then need to return to my caterpillar existence before trying on some new butterfly wings. 


Another Two For One: Missed Prompt and the Day Ahead

Tuesday, November 09, 2021 No comments

So Monday got away from me and this is late but is an interesting conversation: Write about your first power exchange relationship.  How does that differ from the one you are in now?  The first one was very old school dynamic wise.  Master/slave (submissive), I called him Sir, he was not overly interested in my wants and needs and I was not overly concerned with them either.  I'm not in a relationship now but the most recent one was different because I was more assured of who I was and what I wanted and I wasn't afraid--entirely--to ask for it.


Weekly Recap: Three Weeks In + Sad

Sunday, November 07, 2021 No comments


This week was fine in terms of what I needed to write about.  Nothing overwhelmingly triggering except maybe discussing my one and only foray into polyamory crashing and burning.  The prompts for this week are things I have already processed to some degree.  Things with Emperor were never peaches and cream so it doesn't hurt to recap it.  Thinking about my journey to now, also not terribly surprising.  So yeah this week was just good to keep the habit up because I can forget things easily when it is not showing me that things will be amazing.  So why I'm sad right now I don't really know.  But I am sad.  Everything after the break will be about that so you have been warned.  You can just stop reading now.


Three Weeks and Counting: Prompt 21

This before bed and before daylight savings time has done it's thing so I think it will say November 7th but I have no idea so go with whatever it is.  Prompt for today is: What was your first Dominant/submissive encounter?  I think it depends on what you are looking for here.  Do you mean the first time I understood that I might be submissive or the first time that I acted in a submissive way with a Dominant partner?  I'll tackle each of these because my brain has the energy to do so right now.

First time I thought I might be submissive was with a HS boyfriend because I distinctly remember the satisfaction and pride I felt when I did things for him and let him do things to me that I had not considered.  It was all in a sexual capacity because I don't think he had the ability or understanding of what it would take to really dominate me.  That's a good thing though because his grand plan for our lives together was he was going to become a manager at a fast food restaurant that gave decent profit sharing while I went to medical school, birthed our children and occasionally let him sleep with his ex who had decided she could never be happy without him.  Like no lie, that was a thing, and she went AWOL from the military while I was away at school to be with him and prove her love.  Woo I was dumb.  So was she and I'm glad that never one of us ended up in that hot mess permanently.  Okay moving on.


Reflection: Prompt 20

Saturday, November 06, 2021 No comments

The prompt for this entry is as follows: Turn to an entry in your journal or diary from a year or more ago.  What has changed, and what has stayed the same since then?  So before I get to writing let me go find an entry suitable to spark my memory.  So that didn't take as long as I thought it would.  Full disclosure, I only looked at posts in November over the last two years because I know if I went too much further back that 1) I'd find nothing because I tend to blog when I'm happy or distressed or 2) I'd be so blissfully fucking happy that I'd want to drink heavily tonight and that shit is not cool.  The post I chose can be found here.  Now let's get into it.


Thought I Forgot This One: Prompt 19

Friday, November 05, 2021 No comments

I've been posting these right before bed and last night my body was just not about that life.  I literally just thought about whether or not I had provided my post and turns out nope I have not.  The prompt is simple enough but the answer may be complicated: How did you know life as a submissive suited you?

I will be honest and say I didn't know it when I got into it and that there are moments I struggle with understanding my place in submission now.  It's not that I don't enjoy the kink, the pain or the servitude.  I relish them all but I would say the thing that trips me up is the emotions.  I keep all of me to myself if that makes sense until I'm submitting.  I have to for a lot of reasons and that is tiring and can feel like a burden.  Rough week at work would ideally end with my Dominant partner helping me slip into subspace or just out of contact with what is transpiring in the moment so that I can recenter and tackle the world writ large again.  However, with one exception, that's never really been in play.  My Doms were always hundreds of miles, if not more, away from me and at most I could get some verbal or written means of talking me off the ledge.  That's an okay substitute but it leaves me wanting and needy which can throw off any dynamic that isn't ready for it.


Ohh good question: Prompt 18

Thursday, November 04, 2021 No comments

Have you ever been part of a poly dynamic?  Did you enjoy it?  Would you be in one again? This may be a doozy so buckle up now buttercup.  I have been in an awkward poly dynamic.  I met Mr. Wolf and the Dutchman around the same time.  I struggled for months about which one made the most sense for me in where I was at that moment.  Truthfully both relationships were going to be long-distance so that was a wash, both were sufficiently dominant for me to enjoy a good scene with either but they offered different things after that.  My connection to the Dutchman was much more cerebral and aided in me exploring kink in ways that I had not done before and have not done since.  My connection to Mr. Wolf was much more one of ownership and being protected.  I eventually went to both of them with the idea of them jointly owning me for the avenues in which they could and one said yes in a heartbeat and the other said they knew they wouldn't win outright. 


The Prince Prompt 17 Days

Wednesday, November 03, 2021 No comments

Y'all that made me super giddy to type but clearly I'm a weirdo.  Here's the prompt: It's 100 years in the future, and someone just dug up a time capsule of your life.  Describe the items inside it and what you hope they communicate about you.  Tie each item back to a memory from your life.

So the first thing they would likely find is my music collection or things that are tied to my music collection (old concert swag, tickets, etc).  I have been going to concerts since I was in elementary school when my mother let me go see Michael Jackson during the Bad world tour.  It was amazing and started my love of seeing people live instead of just listening to them on recordings.  Most of the people I've seen live have been better than the recordings anyway so that would likely be the biggest portion of my time capsule.  Most of it would be Prince related because he was everything for me but they would see that I listened to anyone that made good music that was kind of classic.  


Almost a Prince song: 16 Days In

Tuesday, November 02, 2021 No comments

Yep I know this is early but I'm gonna be damn near dead to the world tired when I get home.  When was the last time you made yourself a priority?  If you don't remember the last time, why haven't you?  This won't take as long I think because at least twice a month I make me a priority in small ways.  Yes they cost me a little bit of money but it's worth it to have someone else wash and style my hair because I also get a good giggle in for those hours.  And then usually the week after that I go get a ninety minute massage because it makes my life so much better.  I don't fuss at people and I don't overeat usually on either night.  If I could do that, while also managing my diet and working out regularly and sleeping on a schedule life would be cake.  As it is, there's at least a muffin involved.  I love me and I know that I need to take care of me.  I don't always and that's my frustration.  I also made ice cream for me tonight--totally forgot about that.  Regardless, making me a priority in short bursts isn't my issue.  It's the long term pronounced putting myself first so that I can do everything else better keeps eluding me.  I agree to work later because I don't want a colleague trapped on narrow roads late at night.  That means I don't work as many days though so that's kinda prioritizing me.  Ahh well, I do it, possibly not enough and since I'm single there's no one to balance that against. 


Didn't Expect This One Either: Prompt #15

Monday, November 01, 2021 No comments

My life is a hot mess in some ways so I should have anticipated this one coming up but not sure why it never escaped my brain.  My Dominant partners have never been big on collars which is a good thing because I'm not sure how I would have handled this question otherwise.  It's still a bit of a mind fuck all the same.  So here we go: What would you do with your Dominant's collar if they died while you were in a relationship with them?  If you've been tracking then you know Mr. Wolf died unexpectedly.  However, we were not together at that point so I just had to deal with my random distress regarding hearing about his death outside of the channels we had agreed upon previously.