Thought I Forgot This One: Prompt 19

Friday, November 05, 2021

I've been posting these right before bed and last night my body was just not about that life.  I literally just thought about whether or not I had provided my post and turns out nope I have not.  The prompt is simple enough but the answer may be complicated: How did you know life as a submissive suited you?

I will be honest and say I didn't know it when I got into it and that there are moments I struggle with understanding my place in submission now.  It's not that I don't enjoy the kink, the pain or the servitude.  I relish them all but I would say the thing that trips me up is the emotions.  I keep all of me to myself if that makes sense until I'm submitting.  I have to for a lot of reasons and that is tiring and can feel like a burden.  Rough week at work would ideally end with my Dominant partner helping me slip into subspace or just out of contact with what is transpiring in the moment so that I can recenter and tackle the world writ large again.  However, with one exception, that's never really been in play.  My Doms were always hundreds of miles, if not more, away from me and at most I could get some verbal or written means of talking me off the ledge.  That's an okay substitute but it leaves me wanting and needy which can throw off any dynamic that isn't ready for it.

Even in the case of the exception, real life inserts itself into a dynamic more than we'd expect sometimes.  We had to set up ritual and routines in order to maintain some things and that actually helped a lot.  It meant I was not asking for my needs to be met constantly instead of having an established way of us exchanging our needs being met.  Reflecting on my pre BDSM relationships, the ones that were highly sexual were great but I was probably super needy then too because it was the only thing that kind of kept me in check.  With two folks in particular, maybe three, I pressed every vanilla boundary I had and enjoyed it mostly because they were happy and what is a submissive girl without a happy Dom.  When I left an environment where that kind of freedom was available to me, it was depressing honestly but I at least knew I was searching for something more extreme but also more "standard" than what a bunch of fucking could accomplish.

I have shared stumbling into my first dynamic by accident so I won't rehash that here but that feeling of safety and understanding initially was much better than anything I had ever experience in a vanilla relationship so in lots of way I finally felt seen and wanted and embraced.  I have been selective about partners which has meant long moments of no connection to BDSM relationships but with growing recognition that I cannot do a vanilla existence solely so dating sites won't scratch the needs I have. My occupation and drive may not be inherently submissive but I am and there's no way for me to adjust that really.  I've had moments when I'm frustrated when I consider becoming a switch or a service top and I laugh at myself before I can finish the thought.  Whether I'm single indefinitely or not, submissive is my tag and I embrace it and all the variations of it my mind inhabits.  I know it's my place in the world and I wish I could be with someone regularly to share all of my kinky self with but if that never happens that's okay too.  Well not okay because that would suck on one hand but I'd rather be alone than lonely with someone that only understands part of me.


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