Moving Day is the literal worst

Friday, December 31, 2021 No comments

So picking the last day of the year to move is probably not the brightest thing to do but it was necessary to make sure the cable was hooked up prior to us moving in because my mother NEEDED to watch the college football playoffs.  She's unconscious right now just so we're clear.  Not nodding off, knocked the fuck out.  She barely made it through the early game but ahh well.  The big stuff is in place.  We need to clean out the house and move over the small things.  Do a few patches and some painting and then hopefully sell this thing. I did have WiFi last night which was unexpected but no cable so I watched Last Christmas on repeat until I passed out.  Then I was woken up at 4 in the morning because someone's arm felt funny.  She was fine but sleep was fleeting.

Prompt for the day: Do you and your partner celebrate any special holidays?  Do you celebrate the standard holidays in unique ways, with special rituals, because of your D/s status?  Can't remember doing anything outside of birthdays and the standard holidays and none of it was linked to our dynamic.


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knock knock is this thing on?

Wednesday, December 29, 2021 No comments

Because we are moving later this week, we have to turn the cable on at the new spot.  That means taking whatever appointment I can get so the nice old woman that lives with me isn't pouting about not being able to watch college sports for two days.  That also means about mid day tomorrow there will be no cable or internet throughout the house we currently inhabit.  I'm going to do the next two prompts now because I legit won't give enough of a fuck to type this out on my phone.  I may be late with the Friday post truthfully.

Today's prompt: Write a love letter to your Dominant.

Tomorrow's prompt: Does your Dominant stand on courtesy?  Do they use please and thank you with request from you?  How does it make you feel?  Does it still feel like an order if they ask?

I totally get that most folks doing these prompts are probably partnered but I wish there was some language for the single among us. I'll expand my thoughts after the jump.


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Hey You, What's Your Name

Tuesday, December 28, 2021 No comments

I'm feeling a bit better today but it's mostly because I had to focus on more things for the move, deal with some work stuff and I removed a temptation from my line of vision.  I'm not sure where I fit in the D/s world still but I'm not on the verge of tears every five minutes now either.  On to the prompt for the day: Does your partner have any pet names for you?  Are there any nicknames that you do not like?

So I will recap what I was called and by whom.  The first person that sorta named me was Roaming Soldier.  I was either little girl or little soldier.  That played into our Daddy/little girl dynamic and I was fine with it.  Made me feel all warm and fuzzy honestly.  Good Nyte called me babygirl.  He actually still does.  I don't think he's used my name unless we were fighting since we got together a billion years ago.  I don't think I'd know what to do if he said anything else.  Mr. Wolf named himself and then started calling me lil red or Harley after Harley Quinn.  Harley was a reflection of my overly euphoric bratty cum drunk self.  I didn't always enjoy it if I wasn't in that space but it wasn't a bad name it was just trying to pull something from me that I wasn't engaged enough to embrace yet.  And lastly the Dutchman always called me cunt.  I will say I was prepared to hate it and was confused when I read it that my body went drip drip every time I saw or heard it.  I asked him why he chose that name and it was because he knew that American women had an aversion to it.  That is true.  As a rule, I think we have to hit you in the throat if you call us that.  Having said that it registered in the part of my brain that wanted to be His slut and do all of the depraved things we could possibly come up with.  I was going to end this with a statement that none of them had ever used my previous relationship nickname at any point in time but that's not entirely true.  Mr. Wolf called me a cunt when we were in Amsterdam experimenting with piss play.  It literally was like putting my clit on a block of ice.  We eventually got to the right place physically but it took longer than it needed to because of the word cunt. It wasn't an ownership word, it wasn't part of our routine play, it was just there and it was not stimulating.  So outside of that glitch in the Matrix there was no name usage by anyone else and I appreciated that.  Each seemed to choose a name that fit our dynamic which was also nice for me.  I've been lucky.


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The Simple Answer is Yes

Monday, December 27, 2021 No comments

Today's prompt was intriguing: Are you ever jealous of your Dominant?  How do you cope?  Again single now but I have been jealous before and I think we have to frame the jealously in the right context.  I have definitely been jealous of relationships my Dominant partner had with other women when we were in poly dynamics.  There's a way to do poly well I'm sure but I was not doing that plus my partners didn't understand my jealously most of the time because to them I was in a certain place with them and should have been secure.  Maybe I would have been if we saw each other often or lived together but long distance poly when the other women are closer just made me anxious as fuck.  Anxiety made me insecure.  Insecurity made me jealous and needy.  All of it made me unhappy so I don't think I coped well at all.  I thought about it too much.  I shared my thoughts too much.  And I gave myself every ounce of paranoia and upset that I could.  This was also probably fed by the fact that I didn't think my partners really wanted me but didn't have other options.  Vicious cycle I know. So definitely jealous in the relationship sense.  In the interpersonal they have something I don't sense I think I would say I was jealous of what seemed to be there confidence about things and who they were.  I found out later from the two this comes up with the most that they were not that confident from time to time but I couldn't tell.  I was jealous of how easy they seemed to accept love.  I wanted to emulate that and to some degree I did but it wasn't with them that it happened so boo.


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Recap: Ten Weeks, 70 Prompts, One Broken-ish Submissive

Sunday, December 26, 2021 No comments

 

I wish I felt better about my place in kink right now.  I'm accomplishing so many other things that I was excited about doing from last year now except this feels like a heavy weight sitting on my chest with no way to let it go.  I threw away lots of old things today.  I'll continue doing that over the next few days and weeks as we really get ready to start life anew.  In the middle of that, I went and read something I wrote to a former Dom and it gutted me.  Thinking about it now is making me tear up again.  The amount of raw emotion in it cannot be described and I don't know why they were able to evoke that in me to such a degree.  I'm an emotional sub.  If you've been around here for any length of time you know that already.  I love my Doms deeply in most cases which is why I have been reluctant to engage anyone now.  I know they aren't what I want and I don't want to settle for a portion of the ideal partner.  I've done that already.  Having a piece of a partner is unsatisfying.  Having a partner that isn't fully able to be present with me is unsatisfying. Having a partner that can only engage my mind or my body but not both is unsatisfying.  I have said before I get why GN and the Dutchman did what they did in marrying non kinky partners and my desire not to repeat that jacked up cycle but I don't know that waiting for my perfect Dominant partner is worth it anymore.  This last year would have been so much better with a supportive and engaged partner.  I haven't had that in so long.  The writing prompts have just laid bare that I am single with no protocols, no training and no prospects who has to hide her interests in BDSM to safeguard the rest of her life.  It's all added up to a depressive letdown that I hope starts to go away after I fall asleep in my new bedroom at the end of the week.  It may not but a girl can dream right?


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And today is just a giggle: happy boxing day I guess

I've started the purge in my room.  Makes me sad to see some of these things go but some scraps of paper have been with me for more than 20 years.  It's time to let it go.  Prompt for today: What have you done today to honor your Dominant?  As I am single, nothing.  I spoke to GN last night/this morning and may actually be completing this exercise because I started it but stepping out D/s permanently.  I'm open to what comes but tired of looking and tired of being approached by people who just aren't gonna be my person in the long or short term. 


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Merry Christmas 2021

Saturday, December 25, 2021 No comments

I've talked to my family a lot already given that it's not quite noon.  Mom is happy, sibling and his family are happy and when I went to bed my house smelled like love and baked goods.  For some reason I decided to make desserts last night and it helped clean out some things before we moved.  I made two different kinds of brookies (brownie/cookies) and one pan of brownies.  All overflowing with a bag of walnuts between the three.  I was trying to avoid the chocolate chip cookie brookie but it's one of the boxes that was in the house so it happened.  The other is peanut butter.  Mom has already had her first serving of brownie and in an hour or so I'm going to let the ribs come to almost room temperature and the pop them into the oven.

Christmas Prompt (not actually in the book that way it's just the prompt for today which happens to be Christmas): Have you had a mentor before?  What can having a mentor do for you?  I have had mentors in other aspects of my life but not in kink.  The few times I reached out to be mentored it went no where so I just quit looking.  Especially now when I've been in and out of the scene for several years now and don't know that it makes sense.  Having a mentor in other areas has made me more confident, helped me find new opportunities and have been a form of support and friendship.


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It's Christmas Eve and Digital Me is Getting Toyed With

Friday, December 24, 2021 No comments

That would be because digital me gets to choose her own adventure in someone's oddly well informed kink story line with an ambitious aggressive intelligent potential Dom that both respects her choices and acknowledges His attraction to her.  Additionally, he's single with no entanglements so yeah she's enjoying her best life.  Real me isn't batting 1000 right now.  Folks are either too young, seemingly too experienced or attached.  I've been through all of those iterations enough to recognize that what I'd like isn't in my purview right now and that I'm okay with that. There was a time I would have been so excited to have the attention that I would have ignored a few of those red flags but that was mostly because I didn't even know they were red flags at the time.  I do know though so gotta keep it pushing and letting digital me take our lashes. On the plus side I'm 95 percent done with stuff for work so I'm going to relax until the new year.

Prompt for the day: What your Dominant's daily expectations of you?  Literally nothing as I am single.  Honestly this hasn't been a regular part of my D/s relationships.  I think Emperor had a few tasks but it was mostly to bask in his wonder and Mr. Wolf wanted me to check in by text but my schedule was never consistent and I found that annoying so it never happened.  There was a moment I offered to journal for Mr. Wolf and the Dutchman but that didn't last long because they were not consistently reading and that made me bratty and pouty and it was just a bad experiment.  Maybe in the next dynamic.  Maybe not.


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Almost Forgot About This

Thursday, December 23, 2021 No comments

Getting things squared away with part of my day to day life has meant I could redirect to work stuff for a bit.  I did that more of the day than I planned so I really did forget about this prompt.  It's basic and should be short potentially: Do you live your D/s in secret?  And the answer absolutely is yes.  Very few of my friends know about my kink life and that's because most of my friends are not terribly open about sex or sexuality in general let alone what people think D/s is.  If you want to talk about traveling, hanging out, drinking then they'd mostly all be in on the conversation.  Most are religious and would say that their husbands are leading their households but I'm not sure they would see that in the same way that I see D/s.  Add into that my career and my family expectations and there is little room to be an out submissive woman. It would lead to questions about my judgment, my competence at the job and my ability to interact with mentoring programs.  So I keep this part of my life to myself and keep it pushing.


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Today Was Busy

Wednesday, December 22, 2021 No comments

Responded to lots of emails, still waiting on answers to a few things, not at all ready for or eager about Christmas which is not much different from last year, got the last bit of work done at the house before the move next week, bought a tv stand for downstairs, agreed to keep looking for the right ottoman for the living room, went on a chocolate run, food run, and discovered that we can FINALLY order cable for the move and have that set up.  Now I won't have a sad mom on New Year's Day when the games are on and I can finish up some work and sleep peacefully--I hope, in the new bedroom.

Prompt for the day: What is your favorite physical manifestation of D/s?  As I read this initially, I really did let out a sigh. It's a silly thing that has little to do with D/s from the outside looking in and everything to do with me as a submissive and how I connect with a Dominant partner. My favorite physical sign of D/s is when my Dominant partner strokes my hair either when I'm kneeling at his feet or laying in bed next to him.  I may or may not be naked, that's not really crucial but if I'm naked and he's dressed it deepens the connection for me.  It's a quiet simple moment in which nothing is more fascinating than him and makes me respond to something very primal in me that can be small and protected and nurtured from the rest of the world just for a little bit.


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And my vacation starts now, sort of anyway

Tuesday, December 21, 2021 No comments

I submitted my last major projects for work.  Had my last work meeting this afternoon.  I will still probably be fielding random emails as people check things from their away messages but I'm turning that on probably on Thursday when the office closes for Christmas.  I'm going to do a little work this week prepping for when I get back to the office and then I will be sprinting through disposing of things so we can get the fuck out of this spot and into our new one.  I have a non traditional Christmas dinner planned so I have to take out the protein on Thursday to defrost and then marinate or dry rub.  I haven't decided yet.  Regardless life is good and I'm happy even if I'm exhausted.  And I'm more happy that everyone is also exhausted so I know it's not me.  Shit is just exhausting right now.  I expect to keep babbling here so I'm gonna include the prompt after the break.  The house is mostly done in terms of repairs and things that needed to be tweaked again.  If I knew when the flipping cable would be hooked up I wouldn't feel meh about the relocation.  If I knew when the blinds would be up that would be good too.  I think we may have to go with temp blinds in the bedrooms at least and maybe the loft and living room until the real ones go up and then we will probably touch up paint and slowly decorate.


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Almost done with work for the year, totally done with myself

Monday, December 20, 2021 No comments

Today has been involving more work than it should. The prompt for today is: Write a thank you letter to someone you know in the lifestyle. My immediate thought was fuck no. For one, I don't know that many people in the lifestyle anymore. We have drifted apart or people have died. But assignments are assignments so I will just say this. To every Dominant partner I've ever been enamored of let me thank you for pulling something new from me. Each of you shaped part of my submission and my journey. My time with you blessed me with highs and some days tested my faith but you gave me memories, moments and passport stamps. Thank you for choosing me. 


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So Google Analytics Kinda Sucks

Sunday, December 19, 2021 No comments

The new GA was supposed to be some magical bit of data but it never agrees with the old GA.  I never know which one is correct so if you're still reading this great.  If you aren't I won't know.  The read count keeps rising even though there have allegedly been no visitors.  Today's prompt should have a short reply: Are you monogamous, polyamorous, or have an open relationship?

I am single so I am celibate.  Throughout most of my relationships I've been monogamous.  Or at least monagamous esque.  My preference is to be with one partner at a time.  If we invite someone else into the dynamic sexually that's cool but one primary partner and I don't seek out extra people.  You know, if you've been here for a while, that my last relationships were poly because both of my Dominant partners wanted poly situations.  That whole situation wasn't the right fit for me, not because it was poly but because the main things I needed to transpire was us all be out in the open about things and that was not taking place.  I don't have anything against poly relationships but I need to enter into them in a more open and honest communication plan. I don't know if I could do a flat out open relationship because my insecurity would probably get the best of me.


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Tap tap: Is this thing on? Men (and women hell everyone) do better

Saturday, December 18, 2021 No comments

I am back on Fetlife but not super active.  I interact in a few groups but mostly I just read and laugh or lust or shake my head.  One group I enjoy is Return to Sender as we all lament the ways in which we are approached online by people who claim to want to get to know us but do the following things:

  • Have essentially blank or limited profiles--what am I supposed to be attracted to here?  You haven't shared enough about yourself to be engaging.  I don't need a thesis on your every want and desire but it might be good to know you are interested in more than what orifice you can plunder next.
  • Claim to have read our profiles but are literally doing the things we say don't do there.  I joke about getting a haiku but to date I've only gotten two of those in the many messages I've received.  They were horrible but I appreciated the effort.
  • Are super enamored of us until we ask what you are responding to in our profiles, what it is you think we have in common or how we are supposed to know what you are looking for in your blankish profiles.  Then we become bitches, hoes, uninteresting and so on.
  • Make it two messages in and then suddenly are being very invasive about our sex lives or psyches so that we can serve you.  That sounds crazy and if anyone plays along they may be crazy as an FYI.  A good dynamic requires time, effort and communication.  We're not going to get there in the first message unless that first message goes on between us for weeks and months.
  • Don't back off when we say we are not interested.  We go from sexy and interesting to old ugly hags who are desperate and lonely.  Seriously dial it down a notch folks.
  • Or are just generally gross.

I know it may seem as if I'm exaggerating but I promise I'm not.  Check out the group.  I haven't posted my exchanges but this pattern is holding for me to with newer people to the lifestyle.  Older men, or established Dominants tend to approach me entirely differently.  I'll get to that after the break.


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Hot Stones on Your Back are Oddly Soothing

Friday, December 17, 2021 No comments

My massage therapist is not in on Thursdays otherwise I would have gotten rubbed down yesterday.  I had assumed when I booked my appointment that I would have moved in at this stage but hey such is life.  As the title says the hot stones in the longer birthday massage was EVERY FUCKING THING.  Oh my god if I could pay that woman to just hang out at my house I totally would.  Since I am not independently rich I will just see her at the end of next month.  I am ready for this prompt I think.  Yeah I am.  Today's prompt: Is power exchange a want or a need in your life?

I may have mentioned that some of my exes are/were married to women that could not meet their kink needs.  Both said something to the effect that they assumed they would just be able to live without that part of their lives being fulfilled.  They were both ultimately wrong about that which is why/how we met.  I cannot date someone that isn't in the kink or BDSM community.  I watched them struggle with their decisions and I've watched other people do that as well.  It doesn't appeal to me to even attempt to do that.  And to be even clearer, I can't just do any old dynamic.  When men have approached me that identify as submissive or as switches I'm not attracted to them.  I know that people can respond to the energy their partner needs but I don't want you to mold yourself for me and sacrifice large chunks of who you are or what you want to be satisfied.  That ends up making people resentful which is not a good thing for any of us.  We can be friends but we can't be together.  One of my vanilla exes can still make me drip BUT can't even consider hooking up with him now because he is more submissive than I am.  I don't enjoy telling people what to do in bed.  Life was much more simple when I hadn't made the connection between power exchange and my happiness.  Now that I have it really is a need in my life.  I'm comfortable being single as it is but I really am if it means being with the wrong person just so I'm not alone.


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Birthday Bundle

Thursday, December 16, 2021 No comments

I'm late on these for lots of reasons but today is my birthday and I'm entitled to do whatever I like.  It's barely my birthday in the US but it's my birthday all the same.  It's been a long year in COVID.  I haven't been able to do a lot of the things that would make me feel renewed but I am not going to give up on that.  Hopefully sometime in the new year, my passport will be stamped again.  Shit I may need to renew that early.  And I will find a person that makes me tingle and glow from the inside again.  And I will be able to set up something wonderful on my job and in my community.  I'll see how it goes.  I did find the new house I wanted from last year so let's just see what happens.  Anyway, prompts for the last few days are in this post starting with Tuesday.  Wednesday and today are after the break.

What is one quality you think most Dominants possess? I am not sure.  They don't all have swag, they don't all command respect.  I guess this is better if I think of people that are actually Dominant versus those who through the label around to fuck with people who don't know better.  Actual Dominants seem to be intelligent, restrained, willing to understand there's always more to learn, and patient. Most of the ones I've met also have a good sense of humor.  That's more than one quality but there's nothing cut and dry about dominant people or dominance.


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Finding your place or mine I guess

Monday, December 13, 2021 No comments

Prompt for today: What has to happen before you find your place in service or submission to another?  So this is a good question.  Not that the others have been bad but given what I'm trying to sort through right now this is a good one to process.  

Previously, I would just say that someone had to engage me on a level that was beyond getting my motor going.  Making me horny doesn't have to take a lot of energy.  There's a certain energy I respond to and before you know it I'm a big old puddle of goo.  If you don't have that energy then you have to physically overwhelm me but you'll still end up where you want to be eventually.  So the person that could mentally key into my kinky side while respecting my need for privacy was likely going to have me itching to serve them which is not a good rational reason to do anything.  Last night I was on a Zoom call and they mentioned the cost of kink or being in the scene and I thought for a second they were discussing the cost of being outed but most of the folks on the call were tops or heavily invested bottoms unlike myself.  I'll come back to that part later.  They were really talking about the price of gear and what that meant.  And yeah I could see good kits costing a ton of money.  I seen people save up for good leather gear and toys.  For me I was thinking about living in conservative hot messary and not being able to be out and kinky without fear of losing your job or your neighbors being weird.  To be fair, most of them lived in more diverse cities and larger cities than I do as well so that's part of it too.


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Inifinte Breakdowns: Week Eight Recap

Sunday, December 12, 2021 No comments

 

I am desperately ready for a break in all the things I have to think about on a regular basis.  I'm not sure that will happen before we move but it will happen.  We'll unpack slowly and we'll restart our lives in the next wave.  I want to relax.  I want to be embraced.  I want to be babied a little if I'm being honest.  What I don't want to have to do is think.  This last week of posts had me thinking and reacting more than I wanted and less than I wanted at the same time.  I knew these things about myself but it was still frustrating to revisit a bit at the time.  I love submission.  I love being submissive.  I love submitting to the right partner.  As I've moved through this journey I've learned more and more that I've done so much wrong that has resulted in these relationships not ending up where I wanted them to be.  That's frustrating too but I need to let that go to bring space to the person that wants to be with me and can provide my needs in exchange for me serving them.  I'll keep writing and working and I'll see what life looks like on the other side of this.


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Tis the Weekend: Two Posts

I didn't write last night mostly because I didn't want to do so.  I got my hair done--that was amazing.  I got it put in the style I wanted--even better.  I made two different dinners so I didn't have to tone down what I wanted and could let mom have something she wanted.  I watched cheesy movies and I rested after I played games.  Like it was a good evening all things considered.  This was after a night of crazy winds and uprooted trees.  We did get missed by the tornadoes which I appreciate and we didn't lose power or anything else.  Spotty wifi is standard but that was the worst of it.   I'm inching closer to another birthday as well so there's that.  All in all things are okay.


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Druk druk druk

Friday, December 10, 2021 No comments

I'm getting my hair done tomorrow and that normally makes me super happy.  I'm too tired to be happy right now.  More running around, more BS, more annoyance.  Didn't get everything I needed done today because I had a copilot who is a hot mess.  I'm gonna write this and head to bed.  Prompt for today: What does 24/7 power exchange mean to you?  I really just kind of shook my head at this.  It doesn't mean anything to current submissive me.  There was a point in time that I would have literally crawled on my knees for this kind of dynamic.  I was really wanting to completely surrender to my partner.  Being immersed in his presence, wants and desires seemed like the epitome of service and a testament to my devotion to him.  Reality very quickly dashed that daydream.  My own level of comfort and need for security means I cannot wholly let myself be directed by someone else. I have watched entirely too many dynamics implode and one partner left wrecked with no money, home, or friend groups to bounce back into later.  Things shifted with my family as well and there would be no way for me to explain that level of dynamic to my live in parent and balance our privacy because she talks entirely too much.  So realistic me doesn't attach any pertinent meaning to that level of dynamic.  Daydream me says it's a moment of pure bliss with the right Dominant partner that envelops me and helps me grow in my submission.  That helps me through the terrors of failing and allows me to develop skills that support both of us.  And that's where it will stay, daydream.


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Today was a good day: Prompt 50 something or other

I'm going to write this but I swear my brain doesn't care about some of these and that may be why I suck at being a good submissive.  I don't feel more connected to my submission at this point.  Some of these have made me look inward and cope with some things.  Others feel like meh.  So here we go: What sort of society would be ideal to allow a submissive to express themselves fully? What aspects of our current culture get in the way of this? What is there in your life now which gets in the way?  I'm gonna go ahead and create a jump because I have thoughts and it's gonna take a minute.  I may do the prompt for Friday too but maybe not shit I'm tired.


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Should have seen this one coming

Wednesday, December 08, 2021 No comments

Prompt: What's something that makes you feel renewed and ready to take on the world?  Sleep shit, lots of sleep, and the closest thing after that is self-care activities like a massage or getting may hair done.  I haven't done the nails as much recently but that's because folks are germy.  I'm not hard to recharge but down time, me time, alone time and something that lets me zone out is all I look for to recharge.


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Black girl down, tired of people and their bullshit

Tuesday, December 07, 2021 No comments

I almost skipped this because as the title states I'm done but this may be the last thing I do tonight.  Prompt: how do you define strength and do you see yourself as strong? could you see yourself submitting to someone less strong than yourself?  Legit couldn't make up the timing here and I tell other folks when we aren't dealing with something that thing slaps us in the face so here we go.  My short definition for tonight is strength is a Black woman.  No matter how we look, how smart we are, how much we do on our jobs, for our families, for our communities and for the fucking world they all somehow expect us to do more.  And 98 percent of the time we do that because if we don't we know the whole enterprise comes to a screeching halt.  But baby that 2 percent you would think we were spawns of Satan for saying newp not doing this shit with y'all today.  All of my life is strength and I am tired.  And shorter response to the second piece of this prompt--fuck no.  You don't have to be physically stronger than me but I damn sure need you to be mentally stronger than me because when I break you have to be able to hold me together.  If you can't do that then I don't need you and I won't trust you to lead me.


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Hey You, Random person still reading, how ya doing

Monday, December 06, 2021 No comments

Today's prompt: What advice would you give a new submissive just exploring submission?  This feels like a bullet point list so that's what you are getting.

  1. Take your time learning.  You are not competing with anyone to be the best submissive ever.  Your journey is your journey period.  Go to classes if you can, read a ton if you can, make sure you get to know someone before you let them play with your emotions and breathe.  There will be another chance to be better and find a better fit.
  2. Don't get swept up in the desire of being wanted and forego normal vetting and red flags of potential partner.
  3. Be patient with yourself, you are going to make mistakes and that's okay
  4. Don't make rash decisions in the name of submission that you wouldn't make in the vanilla world
  5. Protect your peace and privacy as much as you need to do so
  6. Smile and enjoy your new home

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Six & Seven Weeks In: Recap Post

Sunday, December 05, 2021 No comments

 

So I will say I started this last week and only go one sentence in.   This sentence----> I've been watching crap TV all day but thankfully one of those adventures got me onto new to me but old music by Train which will be good Christmas listening.  The movie was typical Hallmark filter and really the best part of the film were the Train Christmas songs.  I didn't listen to them this week though because I woke up in pain on Sunday and that has lingered throughout the week.  I will say that last week I didn't have much of a recap for you anyway because I was tired, anxious and the prompts themselves were not causing it.  As of this week, that's not the case.  I'm feeling better after four days of steroids and now a week past my booster shot.  That was pre Omicron but guess what, if they get a shot for that one or the next one or the next one I'm gonna get that one too. We signed the contract for our new house and will be moving, I hope, before the end of the year so I can start the new year unpacking and working out with my new Mirror that I bought so I can workout at home without worrying about people being germy or the next strain of whatever.  I'll probably downgrade my gym membership but there may be a day in the future that I just want to hit a treadmill or use someone's free weights and what not.  

This move and these prompts have made me more emotional than I was expecting.  I think a lot of things are converging right now.  The first being the ways in which my mother has been whining and unhappy about all aspects of the move because she can't turn the new house into a shrine for her old shit.  Don't get me wrong, losing crucial things would suck but I haven't had a house that I enjoy since she moved in with me almost two decades ago.  I've been having this conversation with her since we started in on this home search but apparently seeing that I wasn't making things up was too much for her brain and just made her distressed.  That in turn means she lashed out at me for disappointing her again.  There are some other lingering things but that's the gist of it.  We should never live together ever but it is what it is.  The prompts this week just made me feel inadequate.  I know the person that wrote the prompts comes from submission from a totally different place and with different kinds of relationships than I have had but I felt incredibly useless and like a failure to those that I had been with prior to now.  Lots of self doubt and not a lot else right now.  Thankfully no one is on this ride with me right now so I can be a mess without fear.


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So it's Sunday again: Prompt 49

Prompt for today: What unexpected skill have you found to be most helpful in your service? Honestly, I can't answer this.  My ability to plan and freak out about the future means I normally have unexpected resources to support myself or emergencies that my Dominant partner experiences but those aren't really skills.  They just are things I do.  Yeah this was a weak response but it's all I have.


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Stop it Saturday

Saturday, December 04, 2021 No comments

This week has been a whole lot of week.  I have more thoughts that I may come back and add but I want to tackle this prompt first: What is one of the most valuable services you can or do provide?  The honest answer is that I am very organized and if given a list or a task to accomplish I will strive to get it done with the utmost of my abilities.  It may wipe me out emotionally and it may drive me batty but it will get done.  The more nuanced answer is I am not feeling like I've ever provided anything of worth to the people I've served.  I was not there to provide a tangible service other than physical gratification and the ability to command a willing body.  With Mr. Wolf I periodically felt like I was topping from the bottom because he enjoyed the things that I enjoyed having done to me.  With GN and RS, I may have just been a port in the storm.  I don't know what the fuck I gave to Emperor or The Dutchman.  Outside of GN, I don't speak to any of them even semi regularly.  There are lots of reasons but all it amounts to is whatever I was offering was not sufficiently intriguing to be missed or desired.  The folks who do hit on me now don't seem to be looking for much more than a physical interaction.  I don't know what in the submissive world I am or what I represent other than a series of orifices to be plundered.


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Fuck it it's Friday

Friday, December 03, 2021 No comments

Prompt for today: What ten words would you use to describe yourself to someone?

I am debating this and I'll probably just run a list instead of a paragraph so here goes:

  1. short
  2. silly
  3. focused
  4. dedicated
  5. submissive
  6. intelligent
  7. horny
  8. cook
  9. traveler
  10. sarcastic
That took longer than I thought because using compound words sounded like cheating.

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Girl Been Hurt

Thursday, December 02, 2021 No comments

I haven't written in a few days because on Monday when I woke up my foot felt possessed by evil beings.  I thought it would subside by the end of the day but it did not.  It got worse over Monday and Tuesday as I had to be up presenting for several hours.  Wednesday I gave up on and just worked from home and then had a telehealth visit that ended up in a script for steroids.  Swear to God, within a few hours of taking the first dose my foot was like okay I'll act right.  Today it was a little sore but nothing like it had been.  I almost hesitated to take the dose for today but fuck that.  So I've taking it and am now relaxing.  Hoping it chills out but if not I'm going to work on the likely root cause of this episode ASAP.  I'm behind on prompts and will just do each one of them now.  Not sure how long it will take so this may end up being a two for Friday but hopefully not.


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