you don't know my name lol

Sunday, November 27, 2022 No comments

Anyone that knows me knows that I am not a huge Alicia Keys fan even though I give her mad props as a pianist and songwriter.  Her voice doesn't vibe with me usually.  This song seemed appropriate for the post so I'd like to acknowledge her in this moment.  Not the whole song, just the you don't know my name part lol.  And especially not her stalking Mos Def for no other reason than she thought he was cute.  That's some stuff we can get away with sometimes but if dudes did it we are usually gonna to ask why is he being creepy.  I am off track a bit.  This is really tied to part of what I shared in a previous post.  For some reason I hadn't told GN that Mr. Wolf had died.  I told him yesterday mostly just to make sure he didn't ask again or it came out weird if I mentioned anything else.  I had been thinking about the cranky blog posts which magically stopped in 2019 or he deleted stuff later but regardless it was on my mind.  There aren't a tone of posts on the front page and I didn't go through every month because legitimately I was trying to decide if I was angry of if I just hadn't been attending to my intuition while we had been together.  I'd go with a little of both.  Displeasing Mr. Wolf meant you were going to get your own label at some point.  He'd be in the wrong but if you triggered it more than likely he was labeling you in his head at a minimum.  You could apologize for triggering him and his irritation was palpable but it didn't bubble up in that moment.  I probably stayed with him longer than I should have to avoid being the subject of his vitriol at some point but that was stupid. Reading the blog again was equally stupid  Because outside of my emotions what I got from it was this man was broken.  He wanted women who conformed to his way of life and at the pace he wanted.  If you didn't do those things then it was you that was the problem period.  During our entire relationship he kept saying that I wasn't responding to him because he overshared initially.  Well not exactly.  We had discussed our wants for the future.  One his was marriage and kids.  By the time he met me marriage was off my interest list and I was physically unable to have children.  I was good with both of those things.  It wasn't me posturing for a proposal or lying to myself.  Instead of hearing and accepting those were not things I wanted from any long term relationship he shared very early that he thought he could marry me.  Despite my protests and clearly stating there was gonna be no babies, he was convinced he could wear me down.  He was also unwilling to discuss adoption.  We didn't want the same things and while I was okay with that what came from it was that I didn't want him to be direct with me about what he wanted.  I mean sure that's a way to interpret it but it was incorrect.  It did impact my submission but not in the way he thought either.  I'm a girl that loves a daddy dom.  But something in him still has to trigger my inherent need to serve.  That was never present for us and while I felt bad about it initially I assumed he was getting his need to command met in these other dynamics.  I was wrong and I failed both of us by not ending it sooner.  I waited for him to cut things off because I was preoccupied and none of my romantic relationships were a high priority.  So I became what I feared which is unfortunate but it's good to get a glimpse into how someone really feels about you.  Or felt about you I guess.  I hope he's reunited with his wife and is at peace.  I know that I finally am with all of this.  So this will probably be the last time I speak about him again.  

ETA: I should have also walked away upon hearing him disparage other women so I'm not a victim here.  I ignored some of his bad behavior because I liked him to a degree.  I understand a bit better now why that relationship was not gonna work out and how my behavior contributed to other women being harmed.  I move away from people and things that hurt people when I can and I didn't do it here.  I need to sit with that for a while and work to be better.  It's raining and now I'm thinking about RS but that's not worth the gray matter since we have not spoken in a decade plus.


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social media, reality tv and random thoughts

Sunday, November 20, 2022 No comments

i was scrolling Twitter yesterday and someone posed the question: are you really good being single or have you accepted it because that's all you've ever known.  i was struck by that because it made me think was i really good being single.  and i sat with that for a while.  i really am.  i don't mind being single but i don't mind when i have a partner.  i'm a serial monogamist.  long-term relationships are great until they aren't and i don't feel extreme motivation to keep them moving when they are no longer great.  sacrificing my peace of mind, well-being or what have you to say that i have a partner seems just stupid so nah i'm not going to do that.  would i like a partner?  some days sure but others not at all.  what i think i really want is a steady fuck buddy because i like my buy life and the random shit i do by myself.  having a partner could add to that if it's the right partner but thus far none of them have been the right forever person.  that was random thought spike or intellectual rabbit hole number one.  

number two popped up because i can't watch my favorites compete sometimes because they make me anxious and because Hallmark is on a Christmas movie kick until January so i can't just binge watch old episodes of The Golden Girls.  so instead i've been watching train wreck reality tv in the form of Sister Wives.  the man child in the situation is spinning out of control because one of them has decided to not deal with his BS anymore and it's not the one that he wishes would leave.  now why that one won't leave is beyond me because he won't ever reconnect with her on any level and only really likes her in this moment because she's defending this foolishness.  she's also gotten really close to the favorite wife suddenly which is weird because it won't make the man child return to her.  what i've discovered in this craptacular binge is you can fold yourself into knots and suffer and it won't really matter if the person who you are pining for would rather have squares or octagons or whatever the fuck.  and that even when they want a knot, if they have to go fluff it up to keep it healthy then they will likely blame you for not having the support you need to stay all knotted up. also while man child and his clear favorite don't see it this way, the minute he nuked the previous hierarchy to bring her in the family things were on a timer.  he abandoned his only legal wife which is what led her to seek solace from a stranger on the internet.  he just described his relationship prior to the third wife entering as a mess which is a direct slam on the first and second wife.  his plan matters more than these women's feelings and well-being.  he is trash and they all need to bounce.  but whatever.

this made me revisit my attempt at polyamory.  and i can admit now that i was the man child in that situation.  i had my favorite clearly and that wasn't fair to the person who was propping me up.  i was his favorite to some degree which wasn't fair to the folks that were propping him up.  none of us was as honest as we needed to be and that's what needs to be present if you are in any relationship but especially one that involves more that one relationship.  part of that was an issue because they didn't want to talk to each other (they being Mr. Wolf and The Dutchman) and one of them didn't want me talking to his other folks.  and i should correct that, The Dutchman would have been receptive to conversation.  he was more than willing to share how he was able to control me in ways that Mr. Wolf could not.  however, even bringing that up made Mr. Wolf cranky.  i am not sure if it was jealousy or triggering that he wasn't capable of controlling me in the way i liked but it was a loud conversation and one that i didn't broach again.  i should have ended one relationship at that point and focus but i didn't because i was giving poly a shot.  ahh well.  i may not be poly.  i'm definitely not sister wife material.  i'm not sure i'm single wife material so yeah i should just focus on the one person whenever i find them lol which would require looking which yeah not doing that right now.  ahh well again.

addendum: sometimes the universe does exactly what it needs to do which is great.  and sometimes it waits because if you knew the things when you probably wanted to know them then you would likely torch the planet and person.  i haven't really checked in on fet much and as a result haven't cleaned up my friends lists or visited any pages.  writing this made me think about some of Mr. Wolf's writings.  in his last few posts he seemed to be making peace with past failures and i wanted to see that for some reason.  i logged in to get to his page and access the blog.  i think it was pretty much what i thought but nothing earth shattering.  for some reason though i was motivated to click the blog profile because i knew there had been another blog listed there before that was gone.  and then i stumbled on his vent blog that was public facing for some reason.  this was his ranting blog apparently.  every time a woman made him angry or didn't respond to his whatever the way he expected, he posted about it there.  sometimes with our given nicknames, sometimes with slurs and other times with just our real names.  in the grand scheme of things none of that matters now.  he did lie about it at the time because i asked him about him directing his chosen slurs at me and he denied it.  i am not sure if i fully believed him then and now i know i was right to doubt him.  that just made me go back in and clear out my friends list on Fet of connections to him and other people that i knew were no longer accessing the site regularly.  not all of them because i didn't feel like combing through the list right now.  but if we don't talk and haven't for some time then there's no reason to maintain that even stupid digital connection. especially as one or two of them would have heard him hurling the slurs out and said nothing to me.  i'd say i'm disappointed if i was but i'm not.  it's just good to know that i wasn't wrong and that it may explain why i wasn't more moved by his passing.  the universe knew better, even if i didn't.


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where are you man that i am not really searching for

Saturday, November 05, 2022 No comments

I may have just told a lie on twitter lol.  I mean not entirely.  Someone asked the single folks how many more rounds of talking to someone we had left in us and I was maybe more confident than I should have been.  I am really good being single in the sense that it would be nice to have a partner but I am in no way stressed about not having one right in this moment.  But I also said I knew what I wanted even though I was making no effort to find it.  That last part after the but is entirely true.  I don't think I've ever pursued a dominant partner--at least not at the beginning.  In very brief retrospect, I've either been pursued or stumbled into a potential partner on accident.  Some were more aggressive than others in their pursuit which hey do you.  And others had good reasons for being accidental objects of my affection.  Also with more reflection maybe that's a different part of the problem.  Since I didn't pursue them none of them worked out.  I was grateful in some cases to have been chosen and then got anxious and insecure about what may happen in the future because I felt like most folks were out of my league or just had other options.  Who knows at this point?  What I can say is I think I want a man that is funny, self-assured, completely single, comfortable in his dominance, and ready to be open to my absolutely weird schedule.  I'd love them to be local but given where I live that is unlikely.  Multilingual would be a treat.  Passport holder would be amazing.  Someone that can teach me new things while I share my interests and we settle into a comfortable but engaging pattern with each other.  I would really love an accent but that's my fault.  Two of my past partners were born outside of the states and had lovely accents.  Or at least lovely for me.  Hair is optional lol, love of Prince would be good but isn't crucial.  However if they hate Prince we won't work out.  So maybe I do know what I want while doing literally nothing to find them.


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dreaming of wakanda

Thursday, November 03, 2022 No comments

If Wakanda had an entry port and a visa program, I'd probably be on the first thing smoking right now.  I need to be ensconced in Black space right now and my most recent trip to Atlanta gave me none of that unfortunately.  I left FetLife and while I miss what it used to be, it hasn't been that in long enough that I can't say I miss what is there now.  I miss Dark Connections and Black Beat and all of the things that I know take lots of money and energy to put together but hey life is all about change.  It's why I will probably be departing Twitter soon too.  It's already become a little bit of a shit show but with a newly conservative toddler in charge who wants to bring back free speech (insert eye roll here).  Much like Fet, the entitled white men are running amok with their hurt feelings and fragile unloved penises.  I miss spaces where we could bask in Black excellence without intrusion.  Enjoy the swagger and conversation and joys and pains and triumphs and setbacks without outside intrusion.  I miss being with my friends and observing the eye candy with a QOS floating in and messing up the vibe.  I miss Black Masters who have Black slaves so there is no race play or fetishization happening.  I just miss us being able to be us.  So maybe it's not Wakanda directly but I'm missing the melanin. 


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finally turned on the heat

Tuesday, October 18, 2022 No comments

Last night the weather was finally gonna dip below freezing and while my AC had been set to way cooler than I like it to be, it hadn't really been on the last week consistently because the outside temp was not warranting it.  The last few days though the weather was having one of those keep playing with me if you want to moments and I finally caved.  It's still not hot up in here, it's only set to 65, but this house is much more insulated than our old one and thus that actually has the bedrooms warm.  The kitchen/living room not so much and we'll need to turn on the fireplace if we are gonna hang out there--not long surprisingly but still it will need to come on--but really outside of the times I'm cooking or we're watching something goofy on TV, I do not spend a ton of time in that space.  I slept great last night though.  No shivers or chills.  I kinda wanna go back to sleep but it's noon and that would be a bad idea.  But it's a bad idea kinda day so who knows.  Hope everyone is doing well.  Not sure who is even still reading this except me lol.


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Kinky Girl Down

Friday, October 14, 2022 No comments

I have been burning the proverbial candle at both ends.  Lots of major things at work and home and trying not to lose my mind in process.  Today I turned in one of the last major projects I had to do and that allowed me to just be still for a while.  I didn't respond to too many more emails, took mom out for her pointless shopping trips and then made it back to eat lunch.  I've been trying not to doze off after reading my choose your own adventure updates but it's a struggle.  I should also say that after or as the last of the journal prompts went up I sent one final message out to The Dutchman.  It wasn't a tearful plea that we start things up again or an angry missive that he didn't reach out to me.  It was a long email written over the last seven months that I didn't want in my draft emails anymore.  We haven't spoken since April or maybe before that shit but it was time to really turn the page.  I'm debating deleting the apps that would allow me to check in on him beyond fetlife which I don't use regularly anyway.  I don't really use them so it's not a win to have them outside of resist bot.  We'll see.  I'm finally healed up again.  That could be why the smutty dreams are returning and the random shower masturbation has ramped up.  Like I thought about being back in Amsterdam and my heart didn't do a pitter patter but instead was like ma'am how we gonna get through that long ass airport line without murking people.  Those plans got scrapped because I was really planning on heading to a concert but it's a festival which means no seats and I am entirely too old to enjoy that life.  Well for anyone but maybe Prince or Michael Jackson and that ship has sailed.  I will look for something else but I like to rest between songs I need to belt out full throated and off key.  

I have a few days off work and I am gonna finish setting up my room and getting rid of some of these boxes that do not matter to me at all.  I may see if people want to have lunch or dinner but really I may also do absolutely nothing beyond making dinner and letting my brain rest.  I went down the internet rabbit hole for a while lol.  I should eat dinner and relax.  Y'all enjoy yourselves.


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Weekly Post #24 the end

Sunday, October 09, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: How will you become a clear mirror if you resent being polished.  This is a random repeat and I'm not sure why but I am polished more than I'd like to be.

Prompt for tomorrow: All my soul follows you and circles you.  I am sometimes wistful for this but I'm realistic enough to know it's probably something that would overwhelm me.

Prompt for Tuesday: You're not the only one that makes mistakes but they are the only things that you can truly own. No I'm not but it sometimes feels like my mistakes are more detrimental to my long-term happiness.  They have not been I know that but it feels like one or two better decisions and maybe I'd be cuddled up somewhere in France and not here.

Prompt for Wednesday: To give real service, you must add something that cannot be bought. When I first saw this I went well of course but if you had resources to create service that you could no longer physically provide then that would be fantastic.  Ideally you would give of yourself but if you could not then by all means find a way.

Prompt for Thursday: The expression of devotion through obedience is the cornerstone of submission, but it is the complete surrender is the goal. This feels like a Maslow Hierarchy of Needs for submission.  Yeah I guess complete surrender would be good but it an interesting thing to try to achieve.

Prompt for Friday: The most satisfying thing in life is to have given a large portion of oneself to others.  Nope it is not.  It's to hear about how that service has benefited whomever you were able to serve. 

Prompt for Saturday: It is in the touching of one self to another that we become most fully ourselves. This is beautiful.  I haven't had anything but bursts of this but when it happens then I'm a happy girl.

Bonus #1:True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done, the zest of creating things new.  I agree with this.  I like the creation stage and watching something turn into something profound or noteworthy.

Bonus: #2: Our life evokes our character. As we can see when famous people die, their overall public perception or character will be embraced or dismantled. 

Bonus #3: Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.  This is the most poignant thing I read in the quotes section.  I agree more than I want and I hope to feel it reciprocated again.



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a year of submissive guide prompts & i forgot this part

Saturday, October 08, 2022 No comments

I will post the last of the journal prompts tomorrow which doesn't quite bring me to a year of posts because I just got over the daily posts.  Some of them were repetitive and others were just not applicable.  Even though it isn't up yet, I learned a lot from this exercise of thinking about my submission.  Mostly that my submission is just that mine.  I bought the prompts and book because The Submissive Guide and by default luna was one of the first submissives I was exposed to when I sought to understand this side of myself.  While it and places like Dark Connections, were resting places that allowed me to learn about myself a fair bit they were also not entirely great for me.  I'm pretty good about not comparing myself to other people in the vanilla realm because there are too many variables that come into play when it comes to making someone who they are.  In submission though, I kept looking for how to be better and be chosen and not be left and wasn't considering all of those individual differences and variables that make comparison massively unhealthy.  My life has literally never allowed for a full time live in dynamic and it likely never will.  My body has never made it taller than 5'4'' and when I was under 150 pounds I don't know that I had boobs.  I was seeking how to find a path and not recognizing again that each of our paths is entirely different.  While this year of prompts reminded me that I would like to be in community with other kinky people, it's also something I don't get easy access to unfortunately.  Not having those things doesn't make my submission less than.  It makes it decidedly different.  It's maybe gonna evolve but also may just be what it is now indefinitely.  I will still remain a person who would rather let her partner lead, enjoys a great thuddy spanking and depravity, and who needs a deep mental connection above all other things in order to be truly happy.  I don't know that I'm a better submissive but I'm a more secure one for having had the last year of prompts and whatever comes next is to be discovered.

I've been having some very involved sexual dreams again and I am remembering them when I wake up.  Not the feeling of like I need to cum right now but actual details of what transpired and why they were engaging.  The dreams don't really make sense in one way.  I "know" the man involved but he's not the man I know.  Like it's a friend from college's name and we're hooking up in a situation that I would be in with that person but they don't look like said friend or sound like said friend and there's literally no reason that I would fall into bed, get tied up and fucked into oblivion by said friend.  It's a different friend every dream as well so I don't feel like I'm secretly crushing on an ex.  I think I'm horny as fuck again and that is weird for me.  I've kind of put even dreaming or praying for a partner on the shelf for the last year.  Grieving my exes and what I wanted there was apparently rougher than I counted on but now at least my dreams are acknowledging that my body wants a partner even if my heart may not be entirely ready.  And I can't even say that.  I just don't know where to meet the new lust of my life.  I'm enjoying my fet hiatus after my brief foray back into the breach.  He'll stumble onto me at some point maybe.  I'm happy though.  And I let the last bit of angst go today when I sent an email and message.  It's time for the next big adventure.


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Weekly Post #23

Sunday, October 02, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: I was always looking for strength outside of myself but it was inside me the entire time.  I am one of the strongest people I know but it's because it's so easy to hurt me deep in my core.  I have to buffer myself back up because the people in my life do not.  Let me say the people who should do not.  And that is always going to be the case. 

Prompt for tomorrow: If I have been of service, I am at peace.  Depends on who is being served and to what end.  I wish to serve the right person and people that appreciate it.  Doesn't happen enough for me.

Prompt for Tuesday: Challenges show us our discomfort, our discomfort show us where our passions lie.  This is for someone whose life is not filled with struggle and things outside of their control.  This is not my experience.

Prompt for Wednesday: There is no shame in being fearful, only in remaining so. Okay

Prompt for Thursday: Submission depends on our ability to align with our dominants and to use our skills to serve them best. Okay

Prompt for Friday: I dreamed that life was joy, saw that life was service and found joy in that service.  Not exactly.  Check my answer to prompt two on this page.

Prompt for Saturday: Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.  Valid, we have to move through the pain and not let it overwhelm us.


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Weekly Post #22

Sunday, September 25, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: How will you become a clear mirror if you resent being polished?  I am polished routinely.  I am a Black woman in America who is frequently told by all manner of people that I am not enough.  Sometimes they are right and I work on me.  Other times they are mean and I cry.  Still others they can go fuck themselves.

Prompt for tomorrow: I am not influenced by potential gain, I wish to be useful. This is true to a point.  I don't set out to do things that are set up to make something for me out of nothing.  But I don't always just want to be useful.  That is an effective connection as long as someone needs you.

Prompt for Tuesday: I bend but do not break. Absolutely fucking true.  I'm upset as I write these prompts but if I let it break me I wouldn't function and wouldn't be able to do what I want to do daily.

Prompt for Wednesday: I don't want to be a leader, I want to hold my own and embrace my womanhood to be absolutely dominated.  I don't want to lead like a man.  I don't think I'd mind leading the right group of women.

Prompt for Thursday: I had nothing to hide, I belonged wholly to my master. I have never been able to be entirely exposed but I don't know if it was lack of desire to or lack of opportunity.

Prompt for Friday: I have come close enough to know there is something to the spiritual side of leather. Don't know enough about leather and that part of the lifestyle to say. 

Prompt for Saturday: I may not have gone where I intended to go but ended up where I intended to be.  Very true and it will continue to be the case.  I just hope this next detour is worth the effort.


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This will be a double up day

I'm tired y'all.  The kind of tired that sleep doesn't fix.  The kind that a vacation may assist with but may not cure either.  I routinely keep my feelings to myself about lots of things because if I'm not careful then folks will swear I'm being mean as hell.  Some days I may be and I legit don't care.  But most of the time I just mind my business and keep it pushing.  My mother is upstairs rearranging my house again and I'm stuck in my room until the delivery men who didn't come equipped with a screwdriver leave.  At least they are being quick about things.  They have hauled off one thing and are in the process of setting up the other thing already.  And now it's quiet.  I should be happy but what I'm thinking about mostly is that for the last almost 17 years my life has had to rearrange around whatever crazy wants and needs she has with few exceptions.  When I want a break or a breather someone has an opinion about me not appreciating having her in my life and they are right to a degree.  I'd much rather have my dad.  I say that not knowing what challenges he may have right now but our vibe together was different.  When I envisioned grown up me I also thought I'd have pets which I can't have right now because either she's terrified of what I'd really want and doesn't want to help take care of a dog that would be home with her 90 percent of the time.  I'm not sure what I thought I'd be doing socially but the fact that it's usually nothing wasn't on the agenda.  See aforementioned tired so there's that.  Gonna go back to finding something else to do or read or see right now so I can keep my business to myself.


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just want somebody to die for and other randomness

Thursday, September 22, 2022 No comments

okay so i am listening to that but i'm actually in a good mood and like breathing so really i'm okay with living.  i was having an annoying painful flare up but finally went in and saw the dermatologist who gave me an injection and i feel like a whole person again.  may change some work stuff in the spring and i'm happy with that.  so now we are on to tennessee whiskey--i'm in a music mood tonight.  i listen to music a lot more lately.  i think that's my cue that i'm feeling better in general but that i'm happier than i have been in a while.  i'm still very single and and i'm not sure that will ever change.  not because it couldn't or i am somehow inherently unlovable but i just ain't looking hard and i'm good with myself.  i'm also very aware of my iffy friend status.  i have people that are my friends but who don't check in on me the same way that i check in on them.   and honestly i knew that was a thing as you aged but it's annoying some days and others i'm good with the peace and quiet.  plus it's not like i could tell some of my random friends i like to be tied up and spanked for the fun of it.  my kink friends either end up splitting off into relationship pods or falling off as we grow in even slightly different areas.  that's a bit more disappointing than the vanilla friends because we do have that in common and then nothing.  sorority life kept me busy the last few months so maybe i'll mix and mingle in that for a while.  maybe i'm more like my dad than i thought.  he was kinda to himself as he got older as well.  gonna let lenny kravitz sing to me a bit and chill out.


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insomnia thy name is fuck you very much

Wednesday, September 21, 2022 No comments

i woke up randomly today.  i shouldn't say woke up.  i never really went to sleep.  i was on my way to sleep and then all of a sudden i was wide awake.  i logged into fetlife for the first time in a long time and was surprised there were three friend requests and no messages from would friends.  i didn't ignore them or accept them.  if i don't interact then it doesn't matter in my brain.  i was able to do a quick check in on folks and went on back to my life.  i think that will get me through for another extended period of time.  i've been having some weird sleep issues outside of this bout of insomnia.  some time last week i had a very vivid dream that a young ish dominique simone was being fucked by a pretty basic fuck machine set up while some very lucky dude was licking her clit.  and in the dream i was masturbating like crazy which is what ended up waking me up.  then a few days after that i had a weird round of sleep paralysis that originally felt like someone was trying to kill me and then to have sex with me.  i've been masturbating a bit more than "normal" but i think that just means i'm coming out of my breakup haze.  i've read a few kink inspired books in that time as well and i didn't dream about someone in particular.  i haven't felt a longing for anyone in particular either.  i'm ready for the new person.  i still think he'll have an accent for some reason but it could be southern just as easily as it could be international.


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Weekly Post #21

Sunday, September 18, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Everyone can be great because everyone can serve.  Maybe but everyone doesn't serve, doesn't want to serve and wouldn't take direction on how to serve.

Prompt for tomorrow: D/s is a graded activity, levels to accomplish, there is unacceptable behavior and performance.  Meh I guess.

Prompt for Tuesday: Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.  I can't because my mother would end up homeless and I would disappear into the world never to be found again.

Prompt for Wednesday: Go where you are celebrated not tolerated. This is harder for me to do as well.  So many people don't understand me and that's mostly because I have not let them get close.  And I don't feel bad about keeping them at a distance because I watch them and when they approach versus when they do not.  When I have something them some people are all in, when I don't there's radio silence.

Prompt for Thursday: Growth means change and change involves risks.  This is true, about to risk some things to make it happen.

Prompt for Friday: Blessed to discover whom and how to serve. If my life were different then I would maybe agree.

Prompt for Saturday: How much fun is it to corrupt and defile the young heart. Inspiration inspires much more devotion than corruption but I guess it depends on what you are looking for.


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Weekly Post #20

Sunday, September 11, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Shakespeare Sonnet 57 This would be easier to relate to if I identified as a slave but as I do not then I cannot process.  My life hasn't been my own in so long I don't know what to do.  I work and am independent but it's because I need to be in order to make sure that others are taken care of.  I just had two days away and didn't expect to walk into something stupid but I did and then got no support from my family like normal so I don't know that I can get to slave mindset.  Beyond the expectations in my life, I don't know that I can ever trust anyone to take care of me.  It's been a series of letdowns since my dad died.  Therapy didn't help last time but maybe it will again.  I'm jealous of those that only have to worry about serving someone they love.

Prompt for tomorrow: Bottoms still desire things, slaves have no desires save those of their Masters.  See response above.

Prompt for Tuesday: D/s is filled with paradoxes and balances. This is true.  And when things don't align there's no path forward.  You have to find your happy place and be good there and when you aren't good then you have to find your way back to good.  Doing that with someone that wants to balance with you is amazing.

Prompt for Wednesday: Destiny is not a matter of chance but choice.  I don't know how to respond to this honestly.  I haven't felt like something was destiny ever.  Maybe I'm a little too pragmatic for the sweeping romantic ending.  I want it or I have wanted it.  Now I just want peace.

Prompt for Thursday: Discipline gives total freedom, it allows you to go beyond limitations.  I think it depends on how I read this.  If it means taking control of my boundaries and working to achieve things then yep I agree.  If it means being punished, maybe for some but not for me.

Prompt for Friday: Don't serve for a reward, serve with no expectations.  This is a noble thing to believe.  We all are of services to people in our lives but to never be rewarded, recognized or appreciated is a large pill to swallow.  I am tired of swallowing it.

Prompt for Saturday: Give your best to all your tasks, it makes you stronger. One can only become so strong.


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this is gonna be a rambling mess

Saturday, September 10, 2022 No comments

I am tired.  A kind of bone weary, don't see the point of this bullshit tired that hasn't happened in a long long time and I have not missed it.  When my dad got sick, we had a lot of talks about what he wanted me to do if he was no longer with me.  And believe me that sucked because I hadn't accepted emotionally that he wouldn't be there anymore.  Part of me knew because I had a dream that he left me in the exact way that he did and it was months before his death but I was still not there yet.  One of the things we joked about sitting in our favorite chairs in the living room was that I needed to take care of my mother.  He knew she would end up with me and that she would grate on every last one of my nerves but that I still had to try to love her and take care of her.  He never expressly said that my brother wouldn't but yeah he hasn't.  And I have made any number of excuses about that because it was easier than admitting I was in this particular enterprise alone.  I used to be able to call him to vent or at least I thought I was able to and nope I am apparently just complaining about her because I can't really talk about it all with anyone else.  I found out a few months ago when he was helping me out he was really just siding with her because she tossed that up in my face and it was the first time in a long time I felt entirely alone.  Today just brought it all back.  I get to deal with the crazy, angry, demanding, schedule shuffling, cooking two meals, and lack of privacy all on my own.  He hasn't even asked her to come for a visit lately even though she'd turn it down.  And then she'd eventually leave and complain to me the entire time but since she acts totally different there then no one sees what I get to live through when she's here with me.  

The absolute saddest part of all of this is all I really want right now is someone to hug me and stroke my back while I lay really still.  A spanking might help me reset but I don't even need it right now.  Just someone that is focused on me.  That was one of the good things about GN.  He would notice when I was needing to be held and loved on.  And he could run interference with mom in ways that I could not because I was tapped out.  I just miss peace in my life.  It's been almost 20 years since I could just think about me.  I'm just so fucking tired.


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Weekly Post #19

Sunday, September 04, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Competence and self-confidence eliminates the need for jealousy.  I don't know about this one.  Jealousy for me at least stems more from lack of validation or inconsistency than it does any kind of lack of self-confidence or competence.  That could be because I'm a Black woman and I have to have both of those in ample supply to even step foot in the spaces that I come to inhabit.  Even when I feel completely over my head, I'm usually very good at whatever I do or learn enough to delegate to those I know can assist me. 

Prompt for tomorrow: Kindness and a generous heart help us recharge humanity.  I believe this could be true depending on who we are being kind and generous to.  The right person amplifies that energy and continues to spread it.  For others, it's an energy suck and may just be a waste.

Prompt for Tuesday: Toys don't make BDSM, being kinky is not the same as being part of the community.  Meh on this.  I am kinky without a community because of where I live and the spaces I inhabit.  Toys and a well stocked proverbial red room do not make you kinky.  Committing to the identity and relationship pattern for me is what makes you kinky.  I'm jealous of my friends, or acquaintances maybe, and exes who get to indulge in community in ways that I do not. That used to make me sad.  Now I'm just resigned to the fact that is my experience and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Prompt for Wednesday: Really long about slave's always needing to learn and study themselves and partners.  And I am not a slave.  I can have slave like tendencies within the right dynamic but ultimately I'm a submissive girl with a masochistic streak a mile wide.

Prompt for Thursday: All my soul follows you, love circles you and live in being yours.  I've felt like this once or twice and it was blissful until it wasn't.  Listen to Stupendo Fino A Qui to get a better idea.

Prompt for Friday: All painful pleasures turn into pleasing pain.  Yep they do and I kind of miss it a lot.

Prompt for Saturday: As soon as you trust yourself you know how to live.  I'm working on that more now.  Of trusting myself to make good decisions and overcome old fears.


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Weekly Post #18

Tuesday, August 30, 2022 No comments

My fault this is late.  I tried to do this a few days back because I knew it was going to be a hot mess of a weekend and then the system acted goofy and I gave up and yep then I forgot about it.

Prompt for today: The needs of a Dominant and submissive are not hierarchical but equal.  I agree with this.  We both have needs that need to be met in order for the dynamic to be successful and fruitful.  Without that people feel taking advantage of and disappointed.  We have to meet each other where we are and be helpful to make sure we thrive.

Prompt for tomorrow: Peaceful power can be gained through submission.  I agree with this as well. There is an amazing amount of calm and peace for me when I'm submitting to the right person and it allows me to be my best self which is stronger healthier and happier.

Prompt for Tuesday: To have a successful happy future you must let go of the past. I am learning this even though it's difficult.  I am enjoying my present as much as possible and trying not to dwell on the past or worry too much about the future.

Prompt for Wednesday: Excellence is us repeatedly doing something well. This is probably true as well.  I hadn't thought about it this way but I won't disagree.

Prompt for Thursday: We do what is required of us to the best of our abilities.  So this one I may be splitting hairs on but I think we do until we figure out what is our passion point and then we explore that as much as possible.

Prompt for Friday: We will learn about our own genius when we stop trying to conform to others. Yes we do because we are not meant to be anyone other than who we are.

Prompt for Saturday: We seek to live so boldly in our physical lives that it resonates with our spiritual planes. That would be amazing but I don't even have a clue on how to pursue that.  Maybe I can do some reading.


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Weekly Post #17

Sunday, August 21, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Learning about other things and people teaches us about ourselves.  I believe that to be true.  I love learning new things and about new people and it enriches my life to do so.

Prompt for tomorrow: Be childlike in exploring new things but grown up when interacting with people.  Always asking questions and learning because what the hell else do we do with our lives.

Prompt for Tuesday: Intimacy is based on shared vulnerability I agree to a point.  We have to be willing to be vulnerable for genuine connection to be made but we have to stay in a place of discovery to be truly intimate.

Prompt for Wednesday: Our choices say more about us than our skills I agree with that because good Lord knows I'm not always skilled but I do give my best when I can.

Prompt for Thursday: Our greatest fear should not be failure but succeeding at things that don't matter.  I would say this one cuts but I agree again.  Fail spectacularly as long as it means you get better at the things that matter.

Prompt for Friday: We need our Dominants to replenish us because our wells can run dry. Not just our Dominants but we cannot give without being restored by someone or some thing.

Prompt for Saturday: Elements of BDSM make it more about a deeper reflection of our souls. Not sure how I want to respond to this one so I'm gonna leave it alone for now.


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Weekly Post #16

Sunday, August 14, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: How do you find gratitude changes your outlook? Does this affect your submission at all?  Depends on what I am grateful for but in general it improves my mood or makes me introspective.  As I am single it doesn't routinely have a moment to impact my submission.  When I have been coupled I don't think I spend a ton of time thinking about being grateful in general versus to my partner.

Prompt for tomorrow: Things change and you respond to quotes. This one is is about perfectionism and fear of making mistakes.  I make mistakes, I encourage others to make mistakes.  I don't have a worry about being perfect.  I am a hot mess.

Prompt for Tuesday: Be open to your dreams. My dreams are amazing and I love them.  From traveling and being overjoyed to being molested and waking up liquidy was great.

Prompt for Wednesday: How we react to challenges.  Again it depends.  I normally try to sit down and plan it out and then figure out where I am emotionally to see if the situation needs to change or I do.

Prompt for Thursday: Dominance is less about toys than it it is strength and trust.  I don't disagree.  I've had partners that were able to keep me in line with a look and nary a toy to be had.

Prompt for Friday: Putting ourselves at the mercy of a dominant. A good dominant is a blessing so I don't see it as being at their mercy moreso than finding my fit.

Prompt for Saturday: Changing myself significantly to be with you is not a good idea.  I have never tried to do this as a submissive.  Doing it in the vanilla world never worked more than a night or an experiment because I don't have the energy to not just be myself.


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Weekly Post #15

Sunday, August 07, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: What would a perfect day look like for you?  The weather is calm and no more than 82 but no cooler than 65.  Someone fixes every food item that pops into my brain and brings it to me whenever I think about it.  I can walk around the house naked or nearly naked the whole day.  I can watch a Prince concert in which he sings a bluesy version of I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man.  I get a massage so good I feel like Gumby when I get up.  And maybe get tied up, spanked and fucked into a stupor probably before the massage or get another massage after all of that.

Prompt for tomorrow: Recall an occasion when someone was kind to you when you weren't expecting it.  This happens more often than it doesn't so no one situation stands out.  I like it when people compliment my hair randomly or think about something I did for them a billion years ago and how it made their lives better or easier.

Prompt for Tuesday: Do you ever find you enjoy service just for the sake of service? No.

Prompt for Wednesday: What is one of the simple pleasures you enjoy in life?  Good food.  It's one of the best things ever.  Doesn't have to be anything fancy just tasty with a little spice kick.

Prompt for Thursday: What book, movie or website most influenced your impressions of what submission was?  How has that changed as you started living as a submissive?  When I started in kink, the media and web sites were largely white cishet offerings and I didn't connect to most of them because they were living in situations so far from my own there was no way to see myself in it.  Dark Connections was largely POC and who more closely reflected my experience so they were like finding my people.  I can't say it shifted because I understood that the presented lives were not going to reflect my own.

Prompt for Friday: What does being safe mean to you?  It means a lot but I think this means what does it require for me to feel safe.  Clear interest and consistent communication without being overbearing is step one.  Step two is clear understanding of mutual interests and the ability to share them without being judged or punished or exploited.  And the final step is frequent enough physical contact that being together is calming and centering not jarring and off putting.

Prompt for Saturday: What can't you get enough of? Nothing really.  I got through phases where I like lots of things and then don't.  I like to travel and that would probably qualify but with COVID and monkeypox that may never go back to what it used to be.


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it's been awhile yep

Saturday, August 06, 2022 No comments

i haven't really posted anything that wasn't related to the weekly posts in a minute.  it's not that i haven't had thoughts but i haven't always had the energy for it.  i'm sitting in bed after three days of a conference kinda grateful that i didn't try to rush home tonight but also kinda missing my bed.  i'm watching Guy's Grocery Games right now and kinda salty no one is bringing me these tacos.  okay he lost me at the fried avocado but the rest looked tasty.  anyway, things are find.  i'm having a flare and it's painful like normal but not making me cry so there's that.  i shared the issue with my disorder with friends and colleagues and it was good.  some shared they had it or suspected they did and were going to get diagnosed.  others were able to see a different presentation on a tv show so it helped.  my mammogram also got interrupted because of a flare so i have some backup on having them removed from that doctor.  my work is gearing back up this week so gotta enjoy this little bit of downtime from the rest of the world and mom as long as i can.  hope you are all doing well.


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Weekly Posts 14

Sunday, July 31, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Talk about something you grew out of that meant a lot to you at the time.  I'm not sure.  Maybe scrap booking or cross stitching.  I just didn't have the time to do it anymore which was the problem.  I still like them it's just an energy issue.

Prompt for tomorrow: What's the most beautiful place you've ever visited? How did it make you feel at the time? I've probably said this before but Amsterdam.  The old art blended in with the new art and people. The food, the water, the general vibe.  I just felt at peace there.  It was a place that I both overindulged but also didn't conquer everything I could have.

Prompt for Tuesday: What's going great in your life right now? My health is all over the place but work is good.  I will take it.

Prompt for Wednesday: What are some small things your Dominant does that make you feel special?  Strokes my hair, finds something that is important to me and random, gives me a pet name, communicates clearly and regularly. 

Prompt for Thursday: Talk about a book or movie that had a positive impact on your life.  How did it change you?  Hmmm, I can't say anything has changed me but I enjoy movies that let me cry and explore family themes whether they are simple or complicated so from recent memory Black Panther, Coco, Encanto, Jingle Jangle all come to mind and in the past Imitation of Life and Purple Rain.  Book is probably And This Too Shall Pass by E. Lynn Harris or Memnoch the Devil by Anne Rice.

Prompt for Friday: What has been the most remarkable personal victory in your life? Honestly I don't know.  I don't think of events in my life as remarkable.  I like being able to support myself and mom without aid but I would appreciate a cushion of someone else pitching in.

Prompt for Saturday: Make a list of the BDSM or D/s related books you've ever read.  Honestly I haven't read a ton.  So many D/s and BDSM themed books are not written for members of the community.  I read Story of O and it was okay.  I read Beauty's Kingdom and loved it but the other stories were just meh for me.  I enjoyed Diary of a Submissive, both parts but the first more than the second.  Most of the others have had kinky sex but it was not the focus of the book.  If you have recommendations let me know.


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Weekly Posts #13

Sunday, July 24, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: When do you feel most at peace with your submission?  When I'm in bed next to my person and we are falling asleep snuggled up together.

Prompt for tomorrow: Describe a time you were proud of yourself?  Graduating from school, buying my second home, being approached to do the work I keep doing.

Prompt for Tuesday: When you're in a bad mood, what can you do to turn your day around?  Good food or good music will do the trick every time.  Prior to COVID a good workout would as well.

Prompt for Wednesday: What makes you happy about the place you live?  I have pretty good vanilla friends and a job I love.

Prompt for Thursday: Complete this thought "The best thing about being a submissive is knowing who I am and how I relate to others."

Prompt for Friday: Describe an event that changed you for the better. Honestly, the death of my father.  It gave me patience and some insight into loss that I don't think I would have had otherwise.  It gutted me to be clear.  And the anniversary of his passing can still throw me for a loop.  But if someone makes me feel as safe and happy as my dad did they don't have to question my devotion to them.  It will be unending.  Well at least until things end and a little bit of time after that.  Then like all things it has to end.

Prompt for Saturday: Do you have a favorite quote that relates to your submission? Not a one.  I find that a lot of quotes on submission are written from a vantage point that I don't share so they don't resonate with me.  

So I have not being using my Kindle app to get to the prompts for months now.  It's annoying to keep making the light stay on and what not.  I have been reading directly from the Amazon site and it reminds me each time I go in that I bought the book on October 18th.  I wrote my first response to a prompt that day and wrote every day for months until three ish months ago when I switched over to the weekly posts.  Well mostly daily, some days life would happen and I'd have to double or triple up to stay on track.  By my math that means we have 80 more prompts to explore, 11 ish weeks of posts remain.  I say 11ish because there will either be a weekly post with more than 7 prompts to wrap them up or a short 12th week to finish it out.  I don't know yet.  I only know that it will be middle of October.  As of now, I still don't know that I got what I wanted from this exercise but it has helped me process some things so I guess there's that.  Now I'm gonna turn in because I'm having a flare with my autoimmune stuff and it's painful.


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Weekly Post #12

Sunday, July 17, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Where does sex fall on your list of basic needs?  I don't know that it's very high outside of a relationship.  I like orgasms but I can give myself those at any point in time.  If I'm in a relationship what I'm looking for is typically comfort and honesty and connection.  Sex will follow up after that most of the time.  There are times that the connection is so strong sex comes very early and it solidifies what was already building.  Or it derails it because we are not compatible.  That hasn't happened often but if I force the issue after bad sex the relationship suffers.  Usually because the person doesn't believe it's bad for you if you cum and I can cum if the plane has enough turbulence and I have a good mental image.

Prompt for tomorrow: Is the inner you aligned with the outer you?  No not at all.  Inner me does not want to be in charge at all, not even a little bit.  Inner me wants to stay home, write novels, watch bad porn that makes me horny, edge all day, make dinner and serve my Dominant.  Outer me laughs at inner me because we'd starve if I did that and a bitch likes to eat.

Prompt for Tuesday: shortened Is patience or silence valuable to your submission?  If so what lessons have you learned? They should be but patience is not a virtue I can easily espouse even while I'm trying to be understanding.  Silence I'm better about but maybe too good because by the time I make my needs known it feels like it's coming out of the blue.

Prompt for Wednesday: This is too convoluted to even shorten easily.  Basically what do I like about myself, what are my beliefs, and how does submission enrich my life?  We discussed this last week so I won't rehash most of this.  Actually any of it.  Look at THIS POST.  One or more of the prompts tackles it.

Prompt for Thursday: What are ways you express your submission in public or secret ways you can express it or tap into it without others knowing?  I bought bracelets to wear that said babygirl and cunt in morse code.  I wore them for a while and really enjoyed them. I lost them somewhere in the move and don't feel a pressing need to replace them.  The nickname givers are not regularly in my orbit right now and neither wants to get back together so there's that.

Prompt for Friday: Do you ever have submissive immersion where you have times that your role is more pronounced and you do things that are very structured and very organized?  Only when I used to be able to travel to events.  It's hard to get too deep into submissive routines when you are taking care of a parent who may need you at any moment in time. 

Prompt for Saturday: What flower do you think describes your submission? Why?  I don't know that I have a submissive flower.  I love calla lilies because they come in a wide variety of colors and are so pretty as they grow.  I don't know that it reflects me or my submission at all, I just like them.

Unrelated to any of the above, we lost a relative this week.  They died after a long illness that stole their ability to be independent and act as they had most of their adult life.  That matters for what I am about to say next.  This was not a kind person unless they could use it to either hold it over your head or make someone else look bad.  I feel bad for their children because how we see our parents, especially in death, may not at all reflect the harm they caused use in life.  When my dad died, I thought largely about the memories he wouldn't make with me and that I was losing one of my biggest cheerleaders.  I didn't think about the four divorces, countless affairs, random family configurations that resulted from that, or his inability to be fully engaged with a partner was because he didn't see it in the way he needed to as he was growing up.  My dad was very much an obligation dude when it came to wives but not with us kids.  And even as I say that, not with me and one brother.  If we had been asked to give an honest assessment of his life in that moment we likely wouldn't have been able to do it.  We were blinded by loss not by honesty.  You may have seen a viral story about a son who was named after his father and felt no such compulsion to protect his father's memory.  Several siblings cosigned on the obituary even as the world and the paper that printed it balked.  It made me think about what I'd write about mom and that I shouldn't write it because my view has been influence by nearly 20 years of care taking. That brings me to this relative's death.  The siblings are gathering their thoughts in tribute right now.  I had to ask if they remembered all of this person not just the good stuff and I got what I'm sure lots of folks do when they ask those questions--well they were a good person back in the day.  No one can tell me when that was exactly.  I've got vivid memories of this persons last thirty years and nothing in there would make me gather with family to write up something uplifting.  That's probably a flaw on my part but I'm really glad I have no desire to head to this particular homegoing and that no one is going to expect me to be there.


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Weekly Post #11

Sunday, July 10, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Do you or are you the type of person who enjoys being micromanaged?  Why or why not? Legit hate it and hate doing it to other people.  It implies a lack of trust to me and I find it passive aggressive.  There's checking in for progress and then there's being an ogre.

Prompt for tomorrow: Make a gratitude list, each day this week add a new one to the list.  I am grateful I try to take better care of myself, that we sold the house so there are only one set of bills and that I am getting a tiny bit of money back to help pay off these taxes.  I am grateful that I acknowledged that several things were no longer serving me so I'm taking a step back and that I am giving myself and those I have to interact with more grace.  Since this was supposed to be written on Monday, I may wait until Tuesday for updates but who knows.

Prompt for Tuesday: How does love impact your submission to another? I cannot serve someone that I do not love on some level.  It may not be a great passionate love story but I have to care about them in order to be my best self.  For those I do love intensely, my submission is bordering on absolute and I am willing to explore aspects of kink that are not typical for me.

Prompt for Wednesday: Do you consider yourself a patient person? Yes and no.  In some situations my patience is legendary because there's no reason for me to push an agenda.  Things will work out as they should.  In other cases nope not at all.  I'm not terribly patient with my mother because we do not operate in the same manner.  I overheard her earlier flat out making up a conversation we allegedly had in which I was not supportive of something she was doing.  I legit would have encouraged her to do the thing she was doing so that was annoying.  However, instead of forcing the issue, I finished what I was doing and went back to my private space.

Prompt for Thursday: What activity that you engage in involves all your, mind, body and soul?  Cooking probably.  I need to pay attention to the recipes and then tinker with the flavoring.  The timing of random dishes so that the need to be served at the same time.  Coordinating servings and trying to accommodate my mother's overeating if she enjoys it.  Thinking about what might be offered up next.

Prompt for Friday: List what I love about myself.  I love my ability to keep moving forward, my ability to love hard but not easily, that I try to take care of those around me especially those that are important to me, that I try to make things better when I can, my random Jeopardy brain, that I keep trying to do better even when I fail, that life is still a magical journey even when it is frustrating and lonely, and in general I love my weirdness.

Prompt for Saturday: How do you reflect your gender identity in your service?  I'm not sure that I think about it.  I'm a cishet Black woman who typically enjoys being a woman.  I'm not overly girly but will be overtly feminine if it is desired.


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Deep Sigh

Wednesday, July 06, 2022 No comments

Y'all I'm able to step back a little.  A MAJOR project is off my plate and I can rest easy now.  Well easier.  I'm committed to my petty play out at home and will rock it until I'm too bored to keep with it.  I have wondered what is happening on Fetlife but since I have no updates in my email account then I know that no one there is actively worried about me.  Well let me say worried about me enough that they are hunting me down.I heard from GN and that was nice.  He does try to check up on me.  The folks in my non kink world are stepping up more than the ones I am affiliated with in kink right now.  Honestly thought I'm not really in deep with that many people so there's that.  I remember having a pseudo active kink group around the time that I met MW and DM.  Back when there were events I could travel to and make nice and just sink into kinky or non kinky conversation.  But slowly after that folks backed away.  One of them began a relationship with MW and kind of ghosted the friendship we had been developing.  Another one was upset I was friends with someone that hurt her but I didn't know the backstory and instead of just asking me to support our friendship she cut me off as well.  I started to realize that another friend was misleading lots of us and I stepped back from her.  Then the events that I could go to dried up and it was awkward to keep reaching out to people that never reached out to me.  I think that's what made actively walking away this time easier.  I was mad the last time I left fet. This time I'm just recognizing that who I am doesn't fit what is active there now.  I don't enjoy arguing.  I love learning new things but I can't do many in person events.  I do miss having a community just like I miss GN and DM randomly.  Not enough to say hey please pay attention to me but enough to know what it was I used to enjoy and what I hope to find again.  Until I do then I will just focus on doing other things.  I need to unpack all of my things and get my room together.  Find a new GP and plan my vacation time.


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weekly post #10

Sunday, July 03, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Do you have a meditation ritual related to your submission? What is it like?  I do not.  I honestly probably need one for daily life but meditation is difficult for me on a good day.  On bad days when I really should be invested in it, it's impossible.

Prompt for tomorrow: Do you have a submissive mantra? What is it, and how did you come to use it?  I do not have a submissive mantra either.  I'm not sure what that would look like if I'm being entirely honest.

Prompt for Tuesday: As a general rule, have you found acceptance to be easy or difficult? Is it beneficial to your dynamic?  I honestly did a weird face when this prompt hit my eyes initially.  I was wondering who exactly was supposed to be accepting me to respond to that.  My immediate family and friends don't know a thing about my submissive life.  I don't think they could rectify who I am to them with that version of me.  I'm sure it would be helpful to any relationship I was in to not have to splinter those parts of myself but that is my existence right now.

Prompt for Wednesday: What have you discovered in your service that you never expected?  That I enjoy kneeling.  I don't mean in a posed position cause let's be honest that shit can hurt after a while.  But I mentally enjoy not being in charge so letting myself lower into a submissive mindset is literally one of the most enjoyable things for me.  I get to step out of the dominant spaces I inhabit.  I get to be soft.  I get to be vulnerable.  Things I don't enjoy easily in my normal daily life.

Prompt for Thursday: shortened What is your submissive style, describe it and does this work for you and your partner.  How would you describe your partner's style?  Is it different when you play versus daily?  I am a non age playing little or baby girl primarily.  That is I want to be with a partner that is nurturing and protective with me.  It has worked to my knowledge with all but one of my partners and that was when I wasn't sure what I needed.  My partners are ones that like to take care of me but we have struggled with their definition of caring sometimes.  During play they become more sadistic and I become incredibly masochistic.  I have described myself as a pain slut in those moments and it is true.

Prompt for Friday: When are you most aware of being submissive?  Honestly, when I'm single because there's no outlet for the energy that is just sitting there untapped.

Prompt for Saturday: Are some tasks easier when you are turned on? Probably some sexual tasks but nothing is coming to mind immediately as oh yeah can totally do that more when I'm turned on.  Perhaps the pain tolerance increasing.


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let's just kiss and say good-bye

Thursday, June 30, 2022 No comments

A few days ago i logged off of Fetlife maybe for the last time.  Outside of looking at one man and arbitrarily reading what was on Kinky and Popular, I wasn't engaging as much as I used to do.  The threads started to feel antagonistic or just weren't interesting to me.  That's a by product of my own age and reactions to people that are maybe not being a jackass but that's how I'm reading them.  I removed the default Fet tabs on my mobile devices and it's surprisingly easy to not go back there.  I can check email for any necessary updates but really the space isn't great for me so I should probably step away.  And the last time I was on, I read a thread or post by someone that was resonating for me only to see they were based near the DM and then that they were friends with him.  My annoyance was way higher than it should be.  It doesn't matter that they are friends or if they interact.  He's made his thoughts clear on interacting with me and that's what matters.  It's even more of a reason not to hang out there.  I don't miss him in the way that I used to but that space and our connection reshaped my life so yeah don't want to keep revisiting it.  I'm not sure what will be the next iteration of my submissive life.  I am pretty sure that it won't be found on Fetlife though.  I'm going to finish the rest of the prompts in the submissive guide journal and then I'll reevaluate where I am.  Some of the prompts have been great but I haven't had the awakening that I was hoping for as of yet.


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weekly posts number 9

Monday, June 27, 2022 No comments

Prompt for yesterday: How do you stay focused on service?  I don't know that I do on a daily basis.  When I'm coupled it can slip if I'm not in regular contact with my partner because of other demands that I have on my time and energy.

Prompt for today: What happens when you are not in the mood to submit?  Then I don't submit.  I don't pretend to submit.  I'm pretty honest and we just don't delve into that aspect for a while.

Prompt for tomorrow: What do you need that you are currently not getting?  Regular support and correction.  But I'm single so there's a part of that.

Prompt for Wednesday: Complete this sentence "I knew I was a submissive when I was willing to delve into some things sexually that were not terribly interesting to me but made my partner happy and when I was performing for him in ways that pleased him.

Prompt for Thursday: What have you done today to honor yourself?  Got my hair done, got food I liked, ignored my mother.

Prompt for Friday: Do you struggle with sub drop? How are you cared for during this time?  Yes I do from time to time.  I usually need to eat and sleep then shower to reconnect to myself and the world.

Prompt for Saturday: shortened: Write a letter to yourself to read during sub drop.  Yeah this would be useless so I'm gonna skip it.


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Struggle bus now boarding, passenger manifest: just me

Sunday, June 19, 2022 No comments

Y'all, I have been working on completing a project that I thought would be fun to do in conjunction with other people and what I have realized is I can't ever do this kind of project again lol.  Well not without setting some new parameters.  Trying to be respectful of my collaborators meant my time was stretched in ways I  wasn't anticipating and I had to pick up a lot of slack that really didn't have the time or energy for in the middle of all the other shit I do.  That's part of my current struggle.  I had to wait until my body said okay bitch you good to finish a chapter I started when it was clear we were going to be missing at least one.  Side note, I know I need to drink more water but the combination of new meds and dumb heat dehydrated the fuck out of me and I was literally in tears Friday night as my lower body cramped for fun and I flooded my system with water.

So yeah I'm tired.  I'm trying to stay awake because I had a crazy dream about losing my wallet and backpack when I was on a business trip and somehow started looking at tiny houses a university was providing to their employees to offset the cost of living.  That and I've hit the point that you get a headache from sleeping too much.  That shit is for the birds so really trying to remain conscious right now.  My dad died a month before father's day and this marks my 22nd without him.  I'm not depressed but it is making me introspective about the things I don't have with or from him.  Limited photos, no presence for major accomplishments in my life like this project, and he's not around to harass my nieces.  At least we found the stories he used to tell us so my brother could read them to them as kids.

And as my brain struggles to find reasons to stay awake I started thinking about something I read that was shared from a pastor.  I don't particularly like the pastor involved but I've been seeing the same sentiment from lots of people.  If opportunities keep disappearing or doors are being closed to you then be grateful but also accept it.  I was telling GN early this morning as I was wrapping my project, that Fetlife is kinda dormant for me right now.  At least the parts that would make me want to connect to it.  The kinky people in larger locales have started meeting in person again.  That means fewer virtual connections and events so the little bit of community that had built up is slipping away.  I haven't met anyone on Fet in probably the last year that I wanted to get to know better.  Or if I did, it was clear we were not looking for the same things pretty quickly.  Some of my delay was my own healing but it's been years since I was in a functional D/s dynamic. Maybe this just isn't a door I'm meant to walk through anymore.  I know that vanilla relationships are unappealing as a whole but I'm not sure what to do if NOTHING or NO ONE is crossing my path in the kink realm that makes me think yep he's gonna be it.  I'm tired in general right now so maybe not the best time to make sweeping declarations but it's on my mind.


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Weekly Posts Part 8

I have to admit I like the weekly check ins better.  I can think about a lot of things at once and if my life goes nuts midweek, like it will this week, then I don't have to feel bad about posting late or double posting or just saying fuck it.

Prompt for today: Is it possible to live without doubts? Can doubts be a positive thing to have?  I do not think it's possible to live without doubts.  Only because I have never experienced something that I thought was a sure bet.  The doubts usually help me prepare and that's a good thing.  Even if they stress me out, I would prefer the performance stress than just knowing things are fine or may be fine or could be fine lol.  Having doubts about everything is not great but if it motivates you to do or be better then I see this as a good thing.

Prompt for tomorrow: Do you find a sense of security in service or being owned?  Security is one word for it.  I think for me it's more about peace.  I am peaceful when I am owned.  There's security in peace to be sure but it's about peace.  There's someone that I can talk to about all of my weirdness and someone that I can relate to about being coupled in this moment.  Someone who finds me worthy and appreciates my service or pain tolerance or whatever it is they appreciate. 

Prompt for Tuesday: Define the work kinky in your sexuality? I'm not sure how to define this.  My basic sex life would look kind of vanilla if you just watched the actions.  Penis in vagina or mouth or anus.  I can be on top or take a pounding.  There's likely some moaning and giggling.  Where I think it delves into kinky is part of that is driven by the roles we are in and the name calling, debasement, degradation and ways in which my partner amps me up before penis comes near me. Then there's the rope or breath play, the heavy spankings, the edging or forced orgasms and the piss play.  My kinky to me reads normal but I think once you get past the giggling it's kinky to other people.

Prompt for Wednesday: Is it wrong to believe in something or someone without proof?  I don't think so provided your belief isn't harming anyone.  Believing in your partner is pretty standard and we have limited information to say it is a justified belief initially.  The longer we are together the more we know we were wrong or right.  Believing that JFK is coming back to install your deposed king well yeah that's harmful to you, your family and the country in general.  Or telling folks the earth is flat for some strange reason.  Those are problematic but if it's not something that is damaging then go for it.

Prompt for Thursday: What gives you more energy: spending time time alone or around people?  Spending time alone.  I don't dislike people but paying attention to the conversations and personalities and what not can be exhausting. 

Prompt for Friday: Compose a bucket list?  Travel more, new passport stamps, lose weight, enjoy life, find a new kinky partner.

Prompt for Saturday: Do you feel your life is in balance?  Is there something you should be doing more or less to maintain balance?  Oh my life is a hot mess but I'm working on it.  I need to do better about self care and stress management.  I need to say no more and I need to pursue my interests more.  I was nailing it a few years ago but I was also trying to be better for DM but yeah that's not motivation right now.


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Weekly Posts Part 7

Sunday, June 12, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: shortened How has spiritually impacted your submission?  I don't know that is has.  I am a more spiritual than religious person by nature mostly because I think organized religion now feels kind of like a racket.  My Dominant partners have either been religious or bordering on atheism.  I almost converted for RS even though he knew I would likely never practice Catholicism but I wouldn't get in the way of his faith.  GN was religious as well but not as intensely devoted to his faith.  I appreciated their view point and what it meant for them but I couldn't relate.  The Dutchman was firmly in his atheism and Mr. Wolf just didn't seem to be invested in religion nor did Emperor outside of religious play which hey clearly is coming from somewhere.  If I was invested in the religion I was raised in it tells me to be submissive to my husband who is submissive to God but leads us.  Problem is the religious men I've met outside of D/s are not ones I'd follow around the corner let alone into submission.

Prompt for tomorrow: shortened How does where you live effect your submission?  In my case, it is hard to be out about my submission or find new partners easily.  I don't think I could wear a collar even discretely around here without anyone asking about it and I couldn't dress in the ways that DM (tired of typing Dutchman) would have wanted without it drawing attention back at work.  I don't have submissive friends here and I don't socialize with anyone.  It kind of sucks.  It would be easier in a larger city that wasn't as conservative. 

Prompt for Tuesday: How do you feel about pride?  Can a submissive have pride in their service?  Of course, you should have pride in everything you do well.

Prompt for Wednesday: shortened What would your biography say?  She was short loud and talked a lot.  She cared about people and things and wanted to make the world better for everyone.  She liked to read, cook, travel, eat and music.  She loved her family, things that hurt her physically, sex and Prince.  Wherever she is now, she's thrilled if her dad and Prince are somewhere nearby.

Prompt for Thursday: How do you maintain your focus?  Do you have a specific mindset you strive for every day?  Can't say that I do.  I focus on the tasks that need to get done on a given day but that doesn't mean I've focused really.  And I have no mindset other than don't go crazy and hurt people.  That's mostly stress induced though.

Prompt for Friday: shortened What is your inner monologue like?  Honestly, unless I'm working on something or missing people my brain is usually pretty quiet.  I have music in my head a lot but not my own voice.  When it is there, it's not really positive or negative but anxious and trying to sort through things.

Prompt for Saturday: Do you find honesty hard if you know it will cause someone pain? Is it easier to be honest with yourself or someone else?  I try to soften thing that will hurt people but lack of honesty can just create headaches later.  I'm more honest with myself but I don't enjoy lying so I try to be direct when I can.


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Taking care of myself when I'm absolutely tired

Tuesday, June 07, 2022 No comments

I have mentioned before that I have insomnia.  It flares up from time to time especially if my body is throwing a tantrum.  I'm having a flare with my HS which is milder than it has been but still throws a wrench in how I'm feeling.  It's also the first one I've had in six weeks so really I can't complain because it had been constant for several months before I saw the dermatologist.  I was also stressed because once again my very well liked PCP left her practice and I thought well let's reboot things.  I wanted to talk to a doctor who also specialized in weight issues but of those in town one is a friend, one is only taking on new patients if you are related to a current patient and a different one relocated.  I gave up at that stage.  I would have gone in on Thursday but realized I had a schedule conflict so tried to contact the old PCP's office who said they'd call in refills until I guess they realized I didn't want to see any of them--I didn't--and said I'd have to see someone else and I should have been out of meds already so I must not really need them essentially.  I was doing the whole how fast can I get in and see someone but hate rushing so instead I tried telehealth which got me another month to find my new generalist.  

Taking care of myself is annoying.  Not in the that I hate to have to do it but this shit is dumb.  We have to hunt to find doctors that take us seriously and who take our insurance and that can see us when we need to be seen versus months down the road.  I have my regular self care scheduled but this physical body health shit is a pain in the ass right now.  I don't know if it's more or less annoying today because I'm moody about it being Prince's birthday.  I miss him, a lot.  I miss the possibility of a new song becoming my favorite song or the goofy clearly dad jokes he was starting to tell and the eye rolls and facial expressions and the feeling of just being embraced in a room full of strangers because we all connected to that 5'2 maestro.  No one can replace him which also kind of sucks but is for the best as well.  I've also been getting a ton of email from people unable to do things they need to do for lots of reasons.  That is also getting on my nerves at the moment.  Like everything is getting on my nerves right now.  I miss my dad, I miss Prince, my body is nuts and shit is hard.  Plus I'm tired fat and single.  None of this is what I signed up for in the cosmic soup--I'm pretty sure I would have sent that back.

I saw really cute collars before I tried to go to bed the first time.  It made me reflect on how many I had personally owned--the answer would be none if you're new around here.  I can't ask most of my former partners about why that is the case now and I shouldn't pick on GN because he did answer but when you're feeling bad and looking back it's easy to start feeling bad about all the things that you didn't have.  The trappings of what could have been but never were.  Like the back tattoo that I still haven't gotten would have been much more elaborate and dark honestly if I had gotten it when I was still with Dutch because we discussed the piece in terms of stitching my skin back together instead of what it ended up becoming.  I'm really just feeling needy and wanting someone else to pick up my emotional and physical slack.  Since I know that won't be happening then I just need to relax and be still.  I'll take some aleve before I go to work and hopefully that helps me sleep again tonight.


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just a quickie--forgot some stuff

Monday, June 06, 2022 No comments

Trying to reconnect to myself again.  I'm always busy and am not always taking care of myself in the way I should be.  Even though it got rained out today, tennis is restarting and I'm looking forward to that.  I'm starting to cook more again and I really enjoy that.  I found out today my passport renewal was approved so while I shave a year off my old one I'm good through 2032 now and don't have to worry about traveling in the spring when I plan on going.  I need to find a new PCP and a new workout routine.  My body is upset with me and I am upset with myself.  I need to finish a few more engagements before I jump on anything else and I am overtired because the stuff I have to do eats up so much time.

I haven't been sharing a lot of thoughts on fetlife lately mostly because I really only care about one person reading them and as best I can tell he gave up on me six or seven months ago.  But thinking about a recent dumb interaction just made me remember why I used to enjoy fet and kink in general.  There were different kinds of men there then.  Both online and in real life.  Those men weren't always gentlemen based on the conversations that ensued but they were entertaining and that was a benefit.  I even made some good friends as a result.  Now though, most of them are either off fet or in really involved relationships which I do not begrudge them.  And in their wake they have left pale imitators or men who cannot handle being just friends or corrected or engaging if no sex is going to be involved.  It makes it hard to remember why kink appeals to me sometimes.  I know I can't date vanilla though, not and really be happy, so I'm kind of at a stalemate.  Maybe someone will arrive with a good one liner again but more than likely I'll turn into that munch scene bottom for those learning to play hard and go on home dripping.


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Weekly Post A Day Early

Saturday, June 04, 2022 No comments

Prompt for Sunday: Write a submissive pledge for yourself.  Write about the things you can control.  I think I must feel like the people I put on the spot in my real life right now.  I don't know if I could write a pledge that I would adhere to in the long run.  Mostly because if there's a way to beat myself up about something not in my control at all like distance, airfare and communication styles.  I just did some googling to see if I could find submissive pledges and they look like marital vows or odd poetry so those were of no use to me and how my brain works.  Someone make me revisit this the next time I'm in a dynamic because right now I'm only trying to take care of myself and breathe.

Prompt for Monday: What is the essential core of submission for you?  I don't know.  I haven't thought about this at all.  Again I may too literal but I don't know that there's a core of submission for me.  I'm motivated by different versions of the same things usually.  I want some peace and safety and to belong to someone that can pull out the depravity that I keep stored away out of fear most of the time.  So I need strength and kink.

Prompt for Tuesday: What is the one quality you think most subs possess?  A desire to not be in complete control but that's it.  Why we are there and what we want to get from submission seems to come from a different place for everyone even when we are using the same language.

Prompt for Wednesday: shortened--Do you procrastinate?  Can you adjust to other schedules?  Yes and yes.  I will always delay things that could have been done in a heartbeat because sometimes I need to focus elsewhere.  However, if I'm with a group or we have other things that need to happen on a set schedule I can adjust to that.

Prompt for Thursday: shortened--What does protect the property mean to you?  Is this a rule you have to have in your relationship?  This means nothing to me really.  I read this before my nap and was thinking in the literal D/s old guard high service kind of way and that the submissive is the property and has to be aware of when they will be damaged so they can prevent it or at least help prevent it.  Since that's never been part of my dynamics, and protecting myself is much easier than it should be maybe, this doesn't resonate for me.

Prompt for Friday: When do you feel the most beautiful?  I don't know that I ever feel beautiful per se.  I feel attractive some days, especially when my hair is cute.  Or when my dominant partner is pleased with me I feel pretty and like a little ball of light floating around.  In general, I just look okay and I'm good with that.

Prompt for Saturday: What are a few of your favorite things?  Music, naps, cartoons, food, tennis and watching some sports.  Oh and traveling.  I love traveling.  I like seeing new places and trying new foods and then trying to make those foods again later because I also love to cook.  I like to read too.


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And here we go again: weekly post #5

Sunday, May 29, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Do you feel like there's a learning curve in submission? Do you have to unlearn societal norms?  Not in the same way there is for a job.  I think you have to learn your partner moreso than the role unless you are not naturally inclined to submission.  This is not an issue for me but learning each new partner is interesting and can be challenging.  I don't think I ever really paid much attention to societal norms so there wasn't anything to unlearn about submission.  About kinky sex yes but that is a different issue from what is being asked I think.  Even then I ignored a lot of those norms.

Prompt for tomorrow: shortened--Were you afraid of losing yourself in submission?  Has that fear been valid?  Do you still wonder about it?  Nope never have.  I just don't know if it's never come up or if it's not something I have the room to allow but this is not a concern for me.

Prompt for Tuesday: What part of your self or independence has been the hardest for you to surrender?  Hmm, no one has ever asked me to give up something significant so I don't struggle here either.  If I'm committed to my partner I give over what is asked willingly.

Prompt for Wednesday: shortened--Are you a good girl or a brat?  How does your dominant partner encourage or enhance you?  I think it depends on the partner and what is happening in the moment.  I'm mostly a good girl but do have bratty moments especially if I'm feeling insecure or horny and my partner isn't being rough enough.  Other than that I don't like challenging my partner because it's not what I'm submitting for in the long run.

Prompt for Thursday: What ten words would you use to describe yourself to someone? Yeah I don't think I would do this for any reason whatsoever.  I'm goofy, smart, supportive and kinky.  That description makes great sense in kink but in the real world may be problematic so I'd drop the last one.

Prompt for Friday: shortened--Do you like, love and accept yourself?  Most of the time I think I'm amazing.  I need to lose some weight and I need to chill out some more but I like me, love me and accept me with all my weirdness.

Prompt for Saturday: What is weighing on your heart right now?  Can't think of anything right now.  If that changes I'll come back and add more.  I'm single but expect to remain so.  I'm tired but I can take a nap.  Gotta get groceries but those are being delivered.  Yeah nothing.


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This will be random as hell or what I think I want right now

Sunday, May 22, 2022 No comments

I started on this post a few hours ago and then got distracted.  I do that though so I wasn't feeling upset about that.  It let me settle into my thoughts more and come at this from a different perspective.  I am not a huge horoscope girl.  I read them from time to time just because they can be intriguing but when I take those random quizzes allegedly tied to my date of birth the same things register all of the time.  One set of things being that I am fiercely protective of those I love and will often put them ahead of myself because I don't like anyone being picked on or taken advantage of on any level.  The other side of things is I'm good until I'm not and once you piss me the fuck off I may try to pull your spinal cord through your through or chest cavity.  Whichever will make you hurt more, I guess.  I don't like getting angry or annoyed with people because I'm almost always seen as in the wrong or overreacting.  That someone else has been tap dancing on a nerve or is being short with me is almost never registered.  The fact that someone is asking me something that is meant to deliberately annoy the piss out of me is overlooked and I'm supposed to be the bigger person.  I do recognize the truth in both sides of myself so I don't beat myself up over it.  There are nuances there and if people are just clear and straight with me then I can be clear and straight with them.  But when people keep tap dancing on a line and annoying the nerve that is my civil nature it takes a lot for me to walk back to a place of chill with them.  None of this, or most of this, isn't kink related but I needed to vent for a bit.


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Fourth Week of Weekly Posts

Prompt for today: How do you handle disagreements or conflicts?  It depends on what the disagreement or conflict is. If it's something minor like I would prefer to sleep on one side of the bed but it really doesn't matter as long as I get some sleep then I'm probably going to bed.  If it's not minor but it doesn't impact me in any serious way then I'll likely let people keep doing whatever they do and then take care of myself later.  If it does impact me or someone I care about then I like to go the direct route once I have calmed down.  Attacking when angry is not in anyone's best interest because I can be vicious.  Once I'm calm then I will ask directly about how we can resolve this and give each of us a chance to come up with a plan to do so.  I won't keep addressing it though.  If it becomes clear that nothing is going to change then I let it drop and just store it in my this is why I don't deal with you Rolodex.

Prompt for tomorrow: shortened--When you are in a submissive mindset are there things that will turn you off or that will snap you out of it?  I don't think this has happened.  I don't get to switch to submissive headspace often so when I do then I'm usually somewhere that my daily life will not intrude.  That's probably what would snap me out of it the fastest is having to deal with the job or mom or something else that means I have to be dominant red and not submissive red.

Prompt for Tuesday: shortened--Is it okay to be angry as a submissive, does it make you angry or why do you think someone else would be angry?  I don't know why you wouldn't be allowed to be angry.  Things happen that frustrate people and one of their emotional reactions may be anger.  Being submissive or being in a submissive position does not make me angry or has not that I can recall.  My frustrations were less about my place or service and more about something in the relationship that was not going well.  Not sure what would make anyone else upset because different things bother people.

Prompt for Wednesday: shortened--How did you decide you were a submissive? I don't know that I decided more than I realized it.  I was happiest with a certain kind of man that demanded certain things from me and I naturally started to gravitate towards those that could give it to me.  Once I figured out exactly what it was that I was looking for then I pursued relationships with identified Dominant partners.

Prompt for Thursday: Complete this sentence and then keep writing: My great strength in submission is completely unknown to me.  I'm not sure that I've tapped into that yet.  Interesting question.

Prompt for Friday: Complete this sentence and then keep writing: I love being submissive because when I can be, I can relax and enjoy myself without imminent fear of how things were progressing in the moment.  I still need to be aware of potential for hurt but I like being taken care of however briefly it may be that I get to just slip into my submission.

Prompt for Saturday: How do you feel when you kneel or crawl?  I cannot recall crawling to anyone for anything but I feel submissive to the 10th degree when I kneel.  Especially if it's not for any particular purpose.  I remember being annoyed with the Dutchman before he arrived because I was sure I wasn't going to see him and I was angry.  He told me to drop to my knees as soon as he came through the door and that was the end of all the anger.  I blushed, probably let out a nervous or delighted giggle, and beyond all other things I remember being wet as hell.  So wet that when he slipped inside of me later I was literally creaming all over his dick.  Somewhere in my core, kneeling is my switch if I'm with the right person and we are in the right space.


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weekly posts a day ahead

Saturday, May 14, 2022 No comments

Prompt for Sunday: how do you recharge or replenish yourself after a powerful or intense session?  probably sleep, eat and shower.  Almost always in that order because if the scene is intense enough I need to sleep to reconnect to myself and then I'm starving so hopefully I have stocked food ahead of time and then I want to scrub up and smell good.

Prompt for Monday: Define love.  This seems like a simple statement but truthfully I can't say.  How people around me show love is not how I need to receive love.  I ask for basic respect, try to keep my word, listen to people when they tell me what they want/need and try to recognize when I'm not doing that because it is in conflict with how I think they want/need things.  When we can't make that work I try to walk away.  Except when I can't because they are related to me.  In that case I am trying to state things plainly and pray, leave the space for a while and do something else because if not then I'm angry and rude and will definitely not be loved.  To be clear, there are people in my life that love me and love on me.  I appreciate them greatly.  What I miss though are those moments like with my dad who seemed to really just want me to be happy no matter what.  We got along so well and I didn't understand why he couldn't with my mom and struggled with my brother.  We also didn't ask a lot of each other to show we loved each other.  I'd make dinner or marinate the protein so he could grill.  He'd rub my head and watch cartoons with me.  Reflecting on that, I guess love for me is safety and security.  It's not judgement free but it is blessed with ample understanding.

Prompt for Tuesday: Is it necessary for you to shave everywhere?  Necessary for whom or to what end?  I haven't shaved everywhere ever I don't think.  I've done a mostly full body wax and that was god awful.  I've had partners that liked it when my vagina was bare but that felt goofy if we weren't fucking and the absolute worse when the hair would grow back in.  Once the hair started coming in gray from time to time I let it go.  I don't shave my legs because I'm rarely in shorts and when I am I don't care enough about other people or their judgment to go through that headache.  Hell I haven't had my eyebrows done in forever so nope not necessary.

Prompt for Wednesday: How are you feeling today? I'm feeling like it would be great to act like my family does towards me because then I'd be chilling in my house alone and maybe scheduling some debauchery for later.

Prompt for Thursday: What are your core values? Are you living by them?  Honestly, couldn't tell you.  I don't like to see people mistreated.  I fight for people who don't have access.  I encourage people to chase their dreams and do what is best for themselves as long as it doesn't hurt other people.  I like honesty and try to utilize it as much as I can.

Prompt for Friday: Complete this sentence and keep writing, I am courageous because I keep advocating for myself and others even when it feels like it's a lost cause sometimes.  Not a whole lot else to say there.  I's a slog and I don't always enjoy it but I do it.

Prompt for Saturday: What special training would you like to have? What benefit would it serve? Honestly I wondered if we had slipped back into another section because I was like the fuck is this about again.  If anything maybe work on some meditation and cooking for myself to enjoy things but nothing else.



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