let's just kiss and say good-bye

Thursday, June 30, 2022 No comments

A few days ago i logged off of Fetlife maybe for the last time.  Outside of looking at one man and arbitrarily reading what was on Kinky and Popular, I wasn't engaging as much as I used to do.  The threads started to feel antagonistic or just weren't interesting to me.  That's a by product of my own age and reactions to people that are maybe not being a jackass but that's how I'm reading them.  I removed the default Fet tabs on my mobile devices and it's surprisingly easy to not go back there.  I can check email for any necessary updates but really the space isn't great for me so I should probably step away.  And the last time I was on, I read a thread or post by someone that was resonating for me only to see they were based near the DM and then that they were friends with him.  My annoyance was way higher than it should be.  It doesn't matter that they are friends or if they interact.  He's made his thoughts clear on interacting with me and that's what matters.  It's even more of a reason not to hang out there.  I don't miss him in the way that I used to but that space and our connection reshaped my life so yeah don't want to keep revisiting it.  I'm not sure what will be the next iteration of my submissive life.  I am pretty sure that it won't be found on Fetlife though.  I'm going to finish the rest of the prompts in the submissive guide journal and then I'll reevaluate where I am.  Some of the prompts have been great but I haven't had the awakening that I was hoping for as of yet.


weekly posts number 9

Monday, June 27, 2022 No comments

Prompt for yesterday: How do you stay focused on service?  I don't know that I do on a daily basis.  When I'm coupled it can slip if I'm not in regular contact with my partner because of other demands that I have on my time and energy.

Prompt for today: What happens when you are not in the mood to submit?  Then I don't submit.  I don't pretend to submit.  I'm pretty honest and we just don't delve into that aspect for a while.

Prompt for tomorrow: What do you need that you are currently not getting?  Regular support and correction.  But I'm single so there's a part of that.

Prompt for Wednesday: Complete this sentence "I knew I was a submissive when I was willing to delve into some things sexually that were not terribly interesting to me but made my partner happy and when I was performing for him in ways that pleased him.

Prompt for Thursday: What have you done today to honor yourself?  Got my hair done, got food I liked, ignored my mother.

Prompt for Friday: Do you struggle with sub drop? How are you cared for during this time?  Yes I do from time to time.  I usually need to eat and sleep then shower to reconnect to myself and the world.

Prompt for Saturday: shortened: Write a letter to yourself to read during sub drop.  Yeah this would be useless so I'm gonna skip it.


Struggle bus now boarding, passenger manifest: just me

Sunday, June 19, 2022 No comments

Y'all, I have been working on completing a project that I thought would be fun to do in conjunction with other people and what I have realized is I can't ever do this kind of project again lol.  Well not without setting some new parameters.  Trying to be respectful of my collaborators meant my time was stretched in ways I  wasn't anticipating and I had to pick up a lot of slack that really didn't have the time or energy for in the middle of all the other shit I do.  That's part of my current struggle.  I had to wait until my body said okay bitch you good to finish a chapter I started when it was clear we were going to be missing at least one.  Side note, I know I need to drink more water but the combination of new meds and dumb heat dehydrated the fuck out of me and I was literally in tears Friday night as my lower body cramped for fun and I flooded my system with water.

So yeah I'm tired.  I'm trying to stay awake because I had a crazy dream about losing my wallet and backpack when I was on a business trip and somehow started looking at tiny houses a university was providing to their employees to offset the cost of living.  That and I've hit the point that you get a headache from sleeping too much.  That shit is for the birds so really trying to remain conscious right now.  My dad died a month before father's day and this marks my 22nd without him.  I'm not depressed but it is making me introspective about the things I don't have with or from him.  Limited photos, no presence for major accomplishments in my life like this project, and he's not around to harass my nieces.  At least we found the stories he used to tell us so my brother could read them to them as kids.

And as my brain struggles to find reasons to stay awake I started thinking about something I read that was shared from a pastor.  I don't particularly like the pastor involved but I've been seeing the same sentiment from lots of people.  If opportunities keep disappearing or doors are being closed to you then be grateful but also accept it.  I was telling GN early this morning as I was wrapping my project, that Fetlife is kinda dormant for me right now.  At least the parts that would make me want to connect to it.  The kinky people in larger locales have started meeting in person again.  That means fewer virtual connections and events so the little bit of community that had built up is slipping away.  I haven't met anyone on Fet in probably the last year that I wanted to get to know better.  Or if I did, it was clear we were not looking for the same things pretty quickly.  Some of my delay was my own healing but it's been years since I was in a functional D/s dynamic. Maybe this just isn't a door I'm meant to walk through anymore.  I know that vanilla relationships are unappealing as a whole but I'm not sure what to do if NOTHING or NO ONE is crossing my path in the kink realm that makes me think yep he's gonna be it.  I'm tired in general right now so maybe not the best time to make sweeping declarations but it's on my mind.


Weekly Posts Part 8

I have to admit I like the weekly check ins better.  I can think about a lot of things at once and if my life goes nuts midweek, like it will this week, then I don't have to feel bad about posting late or double posting or just saying fuck it.

Prompt for today: Is it possible to live without doubts? Can doubts be a positive thing to have?  I do not think it's possible to live without doubts.  Only because I have never experienced something that I thought was a sure bet.  The doubts usually help me prepare and that's a good thing.  Even if they stress me out, I would prefer the performance stress than just knowing things are fine or may be fine or could be fine lol.  Having doubts about everything is not great but if it motivates you to do or be better then I see this as a good thing.

Prompt for tomorrow: Do you find a sense of security in service or being owned?  Security is one word for it.  I think for me it's more about peace.  I am peaceful when I am owned.  There's security in peace to be sure but it's about peace.  There's someone that I can talk to about all of my weirdness and someone that I can relate to about being coupled in this moment.  Someone who finds me worthy and appreciates my service or pain tolerance or whatever it is they appreciate. 

Prompt for Tuesday: Define the work kinky in your sexuality? I'm not sure how to define this.  My basic sex life would look kind of vanilla if you just watched the actions.  Penis in vagina or mouth or anus.  I can be on top or take a pounding.  There's likely some moaning and giggling.  Where I think it delves into kinky is part of that is driven by the roles we are in and the name calling, debasement, degradation and ways in which my partner amps me up before penis comes near me. Then there's the rope or breath play, the heavy spankings, the edging or forced orgasms and the piss play.  My kinky to me reads normal but I think once you get past the giggling it's kinky to other people.

Prompt for Wednesday: Is it wrong to believe in something or someone without proof?  I don't think so provided your belief isn't harming anyone.  Believing in your partner is pretty standard and we have limited information to say it is a justified belief initially.  The longer we are together the more we know we were wrong or right.  Believing that JFK is coming back to install your deposed king well yeah that's harmful to you, your family and the country in general.  Or telling folks the earth is flat for some strange reason.  Those are problematic but if it's not something that is damaging then go for it.

Prompt for Thursday: What gives you more energy: spending time time alone or around people?  Spending time alone.  I don't dislike people but paying attention to the conversations and personalities and what not can be exhausting. 

Prompt for Friday: Compose a bucket list?  Travel more, new passport stamps, lose weight, enjoy life, find a new kinky partner.

Prompt for Saturday: Do you feel your life is in balance?  Is there something you should be doing more or less to maintain balance?  Oh my life is a hot mess but I'm working on it.  I need to do better about self care and stress management.  I need to say no more and I need to pursue my interests more.  I was nailing it a few years ago but I was also trying to be better for DM but yeah that's not motivation right now.


Weekly Posts Part 7

Sunday, June 12, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: shortened How has spiritually impacted your submission?  I don't know that is has.  I am a more spiritual than religious person by nature mostly because I think organized religion now feels kind of like a racket.  My Dominant partners have either been religious or bordering on atheism.  I almost converted for RS even though he knew I would likely never practice Catholicism but I wouldn't get in the way of his faith.  GN was religious as well but not as intensely devoted to his faith.  I appreciated their view point and what it meant for them but I couldn't relate.  The Dutchman was firmly in his atheism and Mr. Wolf just didn't seem to be invested in religion nor did Emperor outside of religious play which hey clearly is coming from somewhere.  If I was invested in the religion I was raised in it tells me to be submissive to my husband who is submissive to God but leads us.  Problem is the religious men I've met outside of D/s are not ones I'd follow around the corner let alone into submission.

Prompt for tomorrow: shortened How does where you live effect your submission?  In my case, it is hard to be out about my submission or find new partners easily.  I don't think I could wear a collar even discretely around here without anyone asking about it and I couldn't dress in the ways that DM (tired of typing Dutchman) would have wanted without it drawing attention back at work.  I don't have submissive friends here and I don't socialize with anyone.  It kind of sucks.  It would be easier in a larger city that wasn't as conservative. 

Prompt for Tuesday: How do you feel about pride?  Can a submissive have pride in their service?  Of course, you should have pride in everything you do well.

Prompt for Wednesday: shortened What would your biography say?  She was short loud and talked a lot.  She cared about people and things and wanted to make the world better for everyone.  She liked to read, cook, travel, eat and music.  She loved her family, things that hurt her physically, sex and Prince.  Wherever she is now, she's thrilled if her dad and Prince are somewhere nearby.

Prompt for Thursday: How do you maintain your focus?  Do you have a specific mindset you strive for every day?  Can't say that I do.  I focus on the tasks that need to get done on a given day but that doesn't mean I've focused really.  And I have no mindset other than don't go crazy and hurt people.  That's mostly stress induced though.

Prompt for Friday: shortened What is your inner monologue like?  Honestly, unless I'm working on something or missing people my brain is usually pretty quiet.  I have music in my head a lot but not my own voice.  When it is there, it's not really positive or negative but anxious and trying to sort through things.

Prompt for Saturday: Do you find honesty hard if you know it will cause someone pain? Is it easier to be honest with yourself or someone else?  I try to soften thing that will hurt people but lack of honesty can just create headaches later.  I'm more honest with myself but I don't enjoy lying so I try to be direct when I can.


Taking care of myself when I'm absolutely tired

Tuesday, June 07, 2022 No comments

I have mentioned before that I have insomnia.  It flares up from time to time especially if my body is throwing a tantrum.  I'm having a flare with my HS which is milder than it has been but still throws a wrench in how I'm feeling.  It's also the first one I've had in six weeks so really I can't complain because it had been constant for several months before I saw the dermatologist.  I was also stressed because once again my very well liked PCP left her practice and I thought well let's reboot things.  I wanted to talk to a doctor who also specialized in weight issues but of those in town one is a friend, one is only taking on new patients if you are related to a current patient and a different one relocated.  I gave up at that stage.  I would have gone in on Thursday but realized I had a schedule conflict so tried to contact the old PCP's office who said they'd call in refills until I guess they realized I didn't want to see any of them--I didn't--and said I'd have to see someone else and I should have been out of meds already so I must not really need them essentially.  I was doing the whole how fast can I get in and see someone but hate rushing so instead I tried telehealth which got me another month to find my new generalist.  

Taking care of myself is annoying.  Not in the that I hate to have to do it but this shit is dumb.  We have to hunt to find doctors that take us seriously and who take our insurance and that can see us when we need to be seen versus months down the road.  I have my regular self care scheduled but this physical body health shit is a pain in the ass right now.  I don't know if it's more or less annoying today because I'm moody about it being Prince's birthday.  I miss him, a lot.  I miss the possibility of a new song becoming my favorite song or the goofy clearly dad jokes he was starting to tell and the eye rolls and facial expressions and the feeling of just being embraced in a room full of strangers because we all connected to that 5'2 maestro.  No one can replace him which also kind of sucks but is for the best as well.  I've also been getting a ton of email from people unable to do things they need to do for lots of reasons.  That is also getting on my nerves at the moment.  Like everything is getting on my nerves right now.  I miss my dad, I miss Prince, my body is nuts and shit is hard.  Plus I'm tired fat and single.  None of this is what I signed up for in the cosmic soup--I'm pretty sure I would have sent that back.

I saw really cute collars before I tried to go to bed the first time.  It made me reflect on how many I had personally owned--the answer would be none if you're new around here.  I can't ask most of my former partners about why that is the case now and I shouldn't pick on GN because he did answer but when you're feeling bad and looking back it's easy to start feeling bad about all the things that you didn't have.  The trappings of what could have been but never were.  Like the back tattoo that I still haven't gotten would have been much more elaborate and dark honestly if I had gotten it when I was still with Dutch because we discussed the piece in terms of stitching my skin back together instead of what it ended up becoming.  I'm really just feeling needy and wanting someone else to pick up my emotional and physical slack.  Since I know that won't be happening then I just need to relax and be still.  I'll take some aleve before I go to work and hopefully that helps me sleep again tonight.


just a quickie--forgot some stuff

Monday, June 06, 2022 No comments

Trying to reconnect to myself again.  I'm always busy and am not always taking care of myself in the way I should be.  Even though it got rained out today, tennis is restarting and I'm looking forward to that.  I'm starting to cook more again and I really enjoy that.  I found out today my passport renewal was approved so while I shave a year off my old one I'm good through 2032 now and don't have to worry about traveling in the spring when I plan on going.  I need to find a new PCP and a new workout routine.  My body is upset with me and I am upset with myself.  I need to finish a few more engagements before I jump on anything else and I am overtired because the stuff I have to do eats up so much time.

I haven't been sharing a lot of thoughts on fetlife lately mostly because I really only care about one person reading them and as best I can tell he gave up on me six or seven months ago.  But thinking about a recent dumb interaction just made me remember why I used to enjoy fet and kink in general.  There were different kinds of men there then.  Both online and in real life.  Those men weren't always gentlemen based on the conversations that ensued but they were entertaining and that was a benefit.  I even made some good friends as a result.  Now though, most of them are either off fet or in really involved relationships which I do not begrudge them.  And in their wake they have left pale imitators or men who cannot handle being just friends or corrected or engaging if no sex is going to be involved.  It makes it hard to remember why kink appeals to me sometimes.  I know I can't date vanilla though, not and really be happy, so I'm kind of at a stalemate.  Maybe someone will arrive with a good one liner again but more than likely I'll turn into that munch scene bottom for those learning to play hard and go on home dripping.


Weekly Post A Day Early

Saturday, June 04, 2022 No comments

Prompt for Sunday: Write a submissive pledge for yourself.  Write about the things you can control.  I think I must feel like the people I put on the spot in my real life right now.  I don't know if I could write a pledge that I would adhere to in the long run.  Mostly because if there's a way to beat myself up about something not in my control at all like distance, airfare and communication styles.  I just did some googling to see if I could find submissive pledges and they look like marital vows or odd poetry so those were of no use to me and how my brain works.  Someone make me revisit this the next time I'm in a dynamic because right now I'm only trying to take care of myself and breathe.

Prompt for Monday: What is the essential core of submission for you?  I don't know.  I haven't thought about this at all.  Again I may too literal but I don't know that there's a core of submission for me.  I'm motivated by different versions of the same things usually.  I want some peace and safety and to belong to someone that can pull out the depravity that I keep stored away out of fear most of the time.  So I need strength and kink.

Prompt for Tuesday: What is the one quality you think most subs possess?  A desire to not be in complete control but that's it.  Why we are there and what we want to get from submission seems to come from a different place for everyone even when we are using the same language.

Prompt for Wednesday: shortened--Do you procrastinate?  Can you adjust to other schedules?  Yes and yes.  I will always delay things that could have been done in a heartbeat because sometimes I need to focus elsewhere.  However, if I'm with a group or we have other things that need to happen on a set schedule I can adjust to that.

Prompt for Thursday: shortened--What does protect the property mean to you?  Is this a rule you have to have in your relationship?  This means nothing to me really.  I read this before my nap and was thinking in the literal D/s old guard high service kind of way and that the submissive is the property and has to be aware of when they will be damaged so they can prevent it or at least help prevent it.  Since that's never been part of my dynamics, and protecting myself is much easier than it should be maybe, this doesn't resonate for me.

Prompt for Friday: When do you feel the most beautiful?  I don't know that I ever feel beautiful per se.  I feel attractive some days, especially when my hair is cute.  Or when my dominant partner is pleased with me I feel pretty and like a little ball of light floating around.  In general, I just look okay and I'm good with that.

Prompt for Saturday: What are a few of your favorite things?  Music, naps, cartoons, food, tennis and watching some sports.  Oh and traveling.  I love traveling.  I like seeing new places and trying new foods and then trying to make those foods again later because I also love to cook.  I like to read too.


And here we go again: weekly post #5

Sunday, May 29, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Do you feel like there's a learning curve in submission? Do you have to unlearn societal norms?  Not in the same way there is for a job.  I think you have to learn your partner moreso than the role unless you are not naturally inclined to submission.  This is not an issue for me but learning each new partner is interesting and can be challenging.  I don't think I ever really paid much attention to societal norms so there wasn't anything to unlearn about submission.  About kinky sex yes but that is a different issue from what is being asked I think.  Even then I ignored a lot of those norms.

Prompt for tomorrow: shortened--Were you afraid of losing yourself in submission?  Has that fear been valid?  Do you still wonder about it?  Nope never have.  I just don't know if it's never come up or if it's not something I have the room to allow but this is not a concern for me.

Prompt for Tuesday: What part of your self or independence has been the hardest for you to surrender?  Hmm, no one has ever asked me to give up something significant so I don't struggle here either.  If I'm committed to my partner I give over what is asked willingly.

Prompt for Wednesday: shortened--Are you a good girl or a brat?  How does your dominant partner encourage or enhance you?  I think it depends on the partner and what is happening in the moment.  I'm mostly a good girl but do have bratty moments especially if I'm feeling insecure or horny and my partner isn't being rough enough.  Other than that I don't like challenging my partner because it's not what I'm submitting for in the long run.

Prompt for Thursday: What ten words would you use to describe yourself to someone? Yeah I don't think I would do this for any reason whatsoever.  I'm goofy, smart, supportive and kinky.  That description makes great sense in kink but in the real world may be problematic so I'd drop the last one.

Prompt for Friday: shortened--Do you like, love and accept yourself?  Most of the time I think I'm amazing.  I need to lose some weight and I need to chill out some more but I like me, love me and accept me with all my weirdness.

Prompt for Saturday: What is weighing on your heart right now?  Can't think of anything right now.  If that changes I'll come back and add more.  I'm single but expect to remain so.  I'm tired but I can take a nap.  Gotta get groceries but those are being delivered.  Yeah nothing.


This will be random as hell or what I think I want right now

Sunday, May 22, 2022 No comments

I started on this post a few hours ago and then got distracted.  I do that though so I wasn't feeling upset about that.  It let me settle into my thoughts more and come at this from a different perspective.  I am not a huge horoscope girl.  I read them from time to time just because they can be intriguing but when I take those random quizzes allegedly tied to my date of birth the same things register all of the time.  One set of things being that I am fiercely protective of those I love and will often put them ahead of myself because I don't like anyone being picked on or taken advantage of on any level.  The other side of things is I'm good until I'm not and once you piss me the fuck off I may try to pull your spinal cord through your through or chest cavity.  Whichever will make you hurt more, I guess.  I don't like getting angry or annoyed with people because I'm almost always seen as in the wrong or overreacting.  That someone else has been tap dancing on a nerve or is being short with me is almost never registered.  The fact that someone is asking me something that is meant to deliberately annoy the piss out of me is overlooked and I'm supposed to be the bigger person.  I do recognize the truth in both sides of myself so I don't beat myself up over it.  There are nuances there and if people are just clear and straight with me then I can be clear and straight with them.  But when people keep tap dancing on a line and annoying the nerve that is my civil nature it takes a lot for me to walk back to a place of chill with them.  None of this, or most of this, isn't kink related but I needed to vent for a bit.


Fourth Week of Weekly Posts

Prompt for today: How do you handle disagreements or conflicts?  It depends on what the disagreement or conflict is. If it's something minor like I would prefer to sleep on one side of the bed but it really doesn't matter as long as I get some sleep then I'm probably going to bed.  If it's not minor but it doesn't impact me in any serious way then I'll likely let people keep doing whatever they do and then take care of myself later.  If it does impact me or someone I care about then I like to go the direct route once I have calmed down.  Attacking when angry is not in anyone's best interest because I can be vicious.  Once I'm calm then I will ask directly about how we can resolve this and give each of us a chance to come up with a plan to do so.  I won't keep addressing it though.  If it becomes clear that nothing is going to change then I let it drop and just store it in my this is why I don't deal with you Rolodex.

Prompt for tomorrow: shortened--When you are in a submissive mindset are there things that will turn you off or that will snap you out of it?  I don't think this has happened.  I don't get to switch to submissive headspace often so when I do then I'm usually somewhere that my daily life will not intrude.  That's probably what would snap me out of it the fastest is having to deal with the job or mom or something else that means I have to be dominant red and not submissive red.

Prompt for Tuesday: shortened--Is it okay to be angry as a submissive, does it make you angry or why do you think someone else would be angry?  I don't know why you wouldn't be allowed to be angry.  Things happen that frustrate people and one of their emotional reactions may be anger.  Being submissive or being in a submissive position does not make me angry or has not that I can recall.  My frustrations were less about my place or service and more about something in the relationship that was not going well.  Not sure what would make anyone else upset because different things bother people.

Prompt for Wednesday: shortened--How did you decide you were a submissive? I don't know that I decided more than I realized it.  I was happiest with a certain kind of man that demanded certain things from me and I naturally started to gravitate towards those that could give it to me.  Once I figured out exactly what it was that I was looking for then I pursued relationships with identified Dominant partners.

Prompt for Thursday: Complete this sentence and then keep writing: My great strength in submission is completely unknown to me.  I'm not sure that I've tapped into that yet.  Interesting question.

Prompt for Friday: Complete this sentence and then keep writing: I love being submissive because when I can be, I can relax and enjoy myself without imminent fear of how things were progressing in the moment.  I still need to be aware of potential for hurt but I like being taken care of however briefly it may be that I get to just slip into my submission.

Prompt for Saturday: How do you feel when you kneel or crawl?  I cannot recall crawling to anyone for anything but I feel submissive to the 10th degree when I kneel.  Especially if it's not for any particular purpose.  I remember being annoyed with the Dutchman before he arrived because I was sure I wasn't going to see him and I was angry.  He told me to drop to my knees as soon as he came through the door and that was the end of all the anger.  I blushed, probably let out a nervous or delighted giggle, and beyond all other things I remember being wet as hell.  So wet that when he slipped inside of me later I was literally creaming all over his dick.  Somewhere in my core, kneeling is my switch if I'm with the right person and we are in the right space.


weekly posts a day ahead

Saturday, May 14, 2022 No comments

Prompt for Sunday: how do you recharge or replenish yourself after a powerful or intense session?  probably sleep, eat and shower.  Almost always in that order because if the scene is intense enough I need to sleep to reconnect to myself and then I'm starving so hopefully I have stocked food ahead of time and then I want to scrub up and smell good.

Prompt for Monday: Define love.  This seems like a simple statement but truthfully I can't say.  How people around me show love is not how I need to receive love.  I ask for basic respect, try to keep my word, listen to people when they tell me what they want/need and try to recognize when I'm not doing that because it is in conflict with how I think they want/need things.  When we can't make that work I try to walk away.  Except when I can't because they are related to me.  In that case I am trying to state things plainly and pray, leave the space for a while and do something else because if not then I'm angry and rude and will definitely not be loved.  To be clear, there are people in my life that love me and love on me.  I appreciate them greatly.  What I miss though are those moments like with my dad who seemed to really just want me to be happy no matter what.  We got along so well and I didn't understand why he couldn't with my mom and struggled with my brother.  We also didn't ask a lot of each other to show we loved each other.  I'd make dinner or marinate the protein so he could grill.  He'd rub my head and watch cartoons with me.  Reflecting on that, I guess love for me is safety and security.  It's not judgement free but it is blessed with ample understanding.

Prompt for Tuesday: Is it necessary for you to shave everywhere?  Necessary for whom or to what end?  I haven't shaved everywhere ever I don't think.  I've done a mostly full body wax and that was god awful.  I've had partners that liked it when my vagina was bare but that felt goofy if we weren't fucking and the absolute worse when the hair would grow back in.  Once the hair started coming in gray from time to time I let it go.  I don't shave my legs because I'm rarely in shorts and when I am I don't care enough about other people or their judgment to go through that headache.  Hell I haven't had my eyebrows done in forever so nope not necessary.

Prompt for Wednesday: How are you feeling today? I'm feeling like it would be great to act like my family does towards me because then I'd be chilling in my house alone and maybe scheduling some debauchery for later.

Prompt for Thursday: What are your core values? Are you living by them?  Honestly, couldn't tell you.  I don't like to see people mistreated.  I fight for people who don't have access.  I encourage people to chase their dreams and do what is best for themselves as long as it doesn't hurt other people.  I like honesty and try to utilize it as much as I can.

Prompt for Friday: Complete this sentence and keep writing, I am courageous because I keep advocating for myself and others even when it feels like it's a lost cause sometimes.  Not a whole lot else to say there.  I's a slog and I don't always enjoy it but I do it.

Prompt for Saturday: What special training would you like to have? What benefit would it serve? Honestly I wondered if we had slipped back into another section because I was like the fuck is this about again.  If anything maybe work on some meditation and cooking for myself to enjoy things but nothing else.


headaches, tummy aches and healing

Friday, May 13, 2022 No comments

I have an annoying skin condition that flares up when I'm stressed, overtired or just cause it's a random Tuesday.  My treatment options are not great.  Antibiotics are the main thing but those come with random issues. Acne meds that work for some people and not for others.  Other anti-inflammatory meds that have different issues.  Surgery and cryo treatments are kind of last line of defense but have different issues with recovery and relapse.  Essentially you can't do a whole lot but hope the medication does it job and when it doesn't you are in a shit ton of pain.  I mentioned this during my last follow up with my dermatologist.  So we've switched all the meds and I have to say it's helping with the last round of flares BUT I'm having a lingering headache after the morning med that gets better after I eat and my stomach has been like the fuck is this about in the sense that it hurts randomly.  That improved a bit today but it's now a debate of do I want the flares to chill the fuck out or not and is it worth the feeling cruddy in the meantime.  I've been given permission to stop one of the meds after the flare clears up for a few weeks to see if how I'm feeling is medication related or something else.  But I'm also worried that without the meds the flare will crop right the hell back up.  It's moment like this that I really want to hang out with my dad and let him rub my head for a while.  I also need to get back to losing weight and see if that helps with the flares again.  Ahh well, tired now. 


Second Attempt at Weekly Posts

Sunday, May 08, 2022 No comments

I am struggling today.  It's Mother's Day and most of the time I suck it up and do my good daughter thing but today I got squat.  I ordered her food yesterday so we didn't have to fight the holiday crowd, got groceries and the like.  I sent her gift card this morning along with the one for my SIL.  And now I'm nursing a headache and I'm ready for a nap.  Ahh well.  Let's tackle these prompts that make me regret nothing in the mass journal day posts.

Prompt for today: What skill would you like to develop to enhance your service?  I don't know because I don't see myself as a service dispenser.  Each dynamic is different and while I am not a wholly new person in each one, certain parts of who I am don't shine in each one.  I do tend to enjoy a good sadist so if receiving pain and pushing limits is a service then that's the one that I think I could say yes I would like to push myself there more for both my Dominant partner and myself.

Prompt for tomorrow: shortened--If you still have a period/cycle, are certain things off limits during that time frame? Thankfully don't have this issue, when I did I didn't have sex.  While showers and towels are great things, I just never enjoyed the feeling.  I might perform oral or take a spanking but even then it would depending on what was happening with my body that day.

Prompt for Tuesday: shortened--Respond to the following "I will take responsibility for discovering what pleases my Top and will do my best to please them."  I will not do this.  This is stupid.  I will discuss with my Dominant/Top what things they enjoy and how to do things, add things, improve things so that they enjoy them more.  This may be semantics but the way the original prompt was written felt sneaky and like I was committed to mind reading.  If this is just what can you do to learn about what your partner likes then all is good.

Prompt for Wednesday: shortened--Why do you journal? Is it for you or for someone else? Do you write with your Dominant partner in mind? I have had moments when my journaling was for my partner but overall the journaling is for me.  It allows me to process things and vent and gush and whatever else it is I want to do.  I try to be as transparent as I can without attacking anyone.  And I try to be honest with myself mostly because when I look back on what I've written I don't want to be wondering why I just flat out lied to myself and y'all.

Prompt for Thursday: shortened--Think about your daily life and detail your behaviors that are ritualized.  Nothing really.  Going to work maybe, eating possibly but I'm not big on ritual currently.

Prompt for Friday: What does your collar mean and symbolize to you? Don't have one, we've discussed this before in a few posts it feels like but if I had one I don't think I'd view it as anything more than a symbol of commitment.

Prompt for Saturday: What is your favorite form of service? If we mean service outside of kink, mentoring and sharing my knowledge.  If we mean service within kink, best I got is what I mentioned earlier and that's receiving pain.


no snappy title tonight just random thoughts

Monday, May 02, 2022 No comments

i'm not doing the daily blog posts for a while.  i want to have time to tamp down my irritation between these very triggering prompts.  triggering is probably not the right weird but i found myself rolling my eyes a lot lately and that wasn't fun.  the last prompt for this week was decent so i hope that on sunday they will be better again.  if not, you'll get a stream of seven more prompts and i'll blog randomly between then.  right now i'm settling into the flow between work flare ups.  we're gonna be in it again soon but not right now.  and i am slowly starting to right my emotional ship again.  one thing i have learned, or felt, from these prompts is that some people can do D/s in a very transactional way and it's about an exchange of tasks or skills in order to form a bond.  i am guessing that from that exchange a long-term connection is ultimately made.  my D/s dynamics, for better or worse, start because i am intrigued for the most part.  Mr. Wolf was the lone exception there and i likely shouldn't have made that one but let's move on.  i need the mental engagement and connection to begin considering the idea of surrender.  from there we have to hit on some pretty on point commonalities and interests for my attention not to waver long enough for us to meet in person.  after that it just depends on how that meet up goes but if there's a spark all is good in the universe.  if there's not then we may kick it from time to time but i won't be considering crawling to my knees on you.  and really i don't know that i'll meet anyone anytime soon because i know what i want is difficult to balance.  men that will hurt me don't always love me and the men that love me shy away from hurting me.  and truth be told, what works for Dominant A won't work for Dominant B.  Teasing me about my height only works if you are 6 foot tall and up thus it really only worked for RS.  Teasing me about my giggle really only worked for GN.  Teasing me about being a punch drunk cunt only worked for the Dutchman and i really didn't enjoy Mr. Wolf teasing me about anything.  i didn't mention Emperor because he really didn't tease in the we're in a relationship and i enjoy you way.  he was borderline cruel about things.  it was an experience i needed to have apparently.  i'm not overjoyed to be single but i am not mired in angst about why i haven't been chosen.  things will work out however they need to do so.


First of the weekly posts

Sunday, May 01, 2022 No comments

Y'all the look on my face right now is annoyance personified.  All the good energy that manifested in the front half of the prompts is disappearing.  The last month or so is clearly written for dyanamics that "traditional" and "codified" whereas those have never reflected my experience and don't necessarily reflect my desires going forward.  So here we go because I can't see logging in daily and doing these:

Prompt for today: shortened--Do you find pleasure in everyday tasks especially if they are for your partner?  I don't like doing anything everyday except eating.  I don't like going to work or cooking or watching television daily.  I might enjoy doing things daily if that's all I had to do but my life is hectic, job is stressful and I am always trying to do 17K things.  I'd be doing good to get to sleep on time and go from there.  The rare times I have done things specifically for a partner I was only excited if they were excited but otherwise it was not a fulfilling experience.  Things just need to get done.

Prompt for Monday: Do you have a ritual where you worship your Dominant in any respect? Nope and I don't know how I would have felt about one being introduced in the past.  I just had a strong visceral reaction to the question so I'm guessing I would have struggled with it initially and if it had been proposed by the wrong person then I would have probably just said hell no and kept it pushing.

Prompt for Tuesday: shortened--Describe your morning routine and can you do anything to make it easier?  I wake up, head the bathroom, play a few games to wake up and then shower and head to the office within 20 minutes of my first appointment of the day.  I rarely get there earlier because I like my bed.  I rarely get there later because I like my paycheck.  I have nothing to do related to submission or anything else.

Prompt for Wednesday: shortened--Why have contracts, do you have one or would you, pros and cons?  I think the establish boundaries and expectations in a relationship which is good if they can be renegotiated as things shift but bad if they allow for no flexibility.  I have not had one.  Not sure if there would be a good time for one unless we were not trying to have a fully fleshed out dynamic.  If it was for a scene or a short bit of mentoring great but contracts have felt stifling with respect to full relationships.

Prompt for Thursday: Complete this sentence and then keep writing, "I spend too much time on worrying about bills."  They get paid and I have money leftover but I hate feeling like things are out of control with respect to that.  It irks my nerves and patience.

Prompt for Friday: Write the first five words that come to mind when you think about being a domestic servant for your partner?  Nope, hell, naw, miss, me.  Again I think this is written for a very specific kind of dynamic.  I work into the evenings several nights a week.  On the days I am not doing that nothing in my brain says yep let me take care of this grown ass person when I need to rest, take care of the house, cook, or something else.  Just nothing at all.

Prompt for Saturday: shortened--What skills do you have in your service arsenal and what would you recommend to others?  If I had literally nothing else to do I am an amazing cook and baker.  I make things easily and tweak them as I need to based on what worked and what did not.  But see the previous questions about my thoughts on domestic servitude. 


getting these both out of the way tonight

Friday, April 29, 2022 No comments

prompt for today: shortened--how does submission impact your daily routine? do you have to ask for things or check in? only one partner asked me to do check ins and it did not go well.  my day fluctuates literally hour to hour sometimes so doing x when you wake up or y when you get to work doesn't even register in my brain.  it could have been because i wasn't terribly mentally connected to that partner but seriously i would have struggled and made myself slightly insane even if i was connected to them.  because i've only lived with one partner there was only one time it really impacted my daily routine.  he would keep me on schedule and make sure i took care of myself and we'd have set nights where nothing else could be on the agenda but our relationship.

prompt for tomorrow: why do you want to be under someone else's control? because i hate vanilla dating and don't know how to really slow down until i find someone else that makes me enjoy all of it.  that sounds trite and demanding but in the rest of my world i am always on, in charge of something, being asked to do something high level or forward facing.  at home i have to take care of mom and the house and the bills.  part of my desire to surrender is finding someone that is strong enough to take on my stress and mess and find beauty in making me not only His but better.  it takes a strong man with a strong identity to even catch my attention.  it takes a smart, funny, kind of engaging man to keep it.  in order for me to really let go though i need to feel safe enough to follow him.  when that is the case nothing can stop my devotion.  i miss those men.


i'm making the viola davis grabbing her bag and leaving face right now

Thursday, April 28, 2022 No comments

prompt: shortened--do you have birthday spankings as part of your dynamic? anything special about them if you do? no because i'm grown and that shit would be weird to me.  nor am i trying to get enough swats in to reach my current age because i'm grown.  if it makes someone else feel all the feels that's cool but i would be cranky at the suggestion let alone us trying it.  

so what i'm taking from this wave of prompts is despite earlier assurances that even if you weren't in a dynamic currently these prompts would be useful to you that i may have been naive.  there's nothing wrong with exploring dynamics in the way that the author has and others surely do.  my real issue right now is if your dynamic doesn't line up or isn't on par with the author's then you will be left confused or wondering if something is missing from your relationship.  i'm fine with hierarchy but not as much without input.  i'm okay with rules and punishment but not just for the sake of having them. i love the idea of talking through what it is we are seeking specifically so we are clear about those wants and needs but making them a contract or guidelines that are inflexible seems boring and dumb for me.  i hope the other two for this week are better otherwise i'll be more motivated to just do the weekly post of prompts than daily.  ah well.


on the verge of tossing this

Wednesday, April 27, 2022 No comments

prompt for the day: shortened because my brain hurts even processing this one--think of collar substitutes, wear one for a day, how did you feel and what were you focused on?  i don't wear collars so thinking of a substitute to wear for any reason is awkward.  plus i would need to be prepared for this ahead of time which didn't happen.  this is again one of those moments when i think i should remember we're not all the same kinds of submissives.  i know that a collar is the pinnacle of relationship goals for some people and for others a ring or bracelet could achieve the same purpose.  i'd have to have an alternative to a black leather collar if that ever became part of my dynamic.  i cannot wear that daily even if i wanted to so it would need to be a necklace, bracelet or ring.  ahh well. hopefully i resonate more with the rest of the week's prompts.  if not then i may need to either press pause on the daily posts or scrap this endeavor.  i'm getting frustrated and it's not about lack of relationship but more the drastically different perspectives we operate from.


say what now?

Tuesday, April 26, 2022 No comments

prompt for today: are you voice trained?  does your dominant have a preference on how you communicate with them?  i literally had never heard of this but i think the response would be nope.  since i hadn't heard of it then there is no preference.


short one

prompt for yesterday: shortened--do you have limits on tech use?  no i never have.  a few doms have asked that i go to bed on a regular schedule but that's about it.

prompt for today: what is protocol and how does it enhance your service?  i know that protocols have been ways in which a dynamic functions and we agree to various exchanges as part of submission.  they have never motivated my service thus far.


to renewal and necessary endings

Sunday, April 24, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Do you have a meditation and relaxation ritual?  What does it entail?  I do not but I will develop one soon enough.  I need more space and time to take care of myself and I would love to do that all in right now because I need to do so but it won't be happening.  It will like entail walking and doing yoga. Let me just say the conference went well.  Even the day long training was fine.  I came home to my house being overrun with things I neither wanted in this space or a good explanation for why they were here.  The only thing I asked for in this new house was no clutter and no BS.  I told mom she needed to go.  I told my brother she needed to go.  Apparently, I'm overreacting according to the two of them but he's not making space for her and I am overtired of making space for her.  To be clear I love my mother but I do not like her.  I do not enjoy living with her and I do not appreciate any of the things she does because it's almost all motivated with some perceived tradeoff she wants to utilize later.  Today I got an alert that the old home was being broken into at that moment.  It was not.  She gave the keys and code to someone who was too stupid to turn off the alarm before it would trip.   I would like to go over and get the rest of my things but I don't want to see her assorted friends.  Because the thing is other people love her to no end.  Think she's the best thing ever.  I don't enjoy her and never will.  I should have known things would go left when we were having semi chill moments before I left interspersed with her you just need to take care of me bullshit.  I'll be delighted if she finally does leave even though I'll hear all about how I'm the worst child ever.  And then I'll roll over and go to sleep.


next few days

Tuesday, April 19, 2022 No comments

prompt for today: shortened--Do you have any specialized skills related to service/BDSM? not a one unless you count things my body can do to someone else's body that makes them very happy.

prompt for tomorrow: shortened--Do you have any rituals in BDSM? nope not a one, i may have enjoyed this but nothing to speak of.

prompt for Friday: shortened--What is a recent addition to your training? not a bit because i'm not in training right now.

prompt for Saturday: shortened--Write a letter to your body.  girl you tired and you need to rest.  you also need to keep on your diet, get back to working out and resting for real.  you can't do everything and you don't need to try.

I am going to be tied up until Sunday really and thus I am not going to pretend like I'm going to attend to these, especially not in light of what they were asking.  I may add some random things as they are relevant but fuck me trying to do all of the things right now.  Have a good few days.



Monday, April 18, 2022 No comments

prompt for today: do you have time alone? is it scheduled into your routine or is it as needed? what do you do with your alone time? kinda want to scream at this one.  the third question would be irrelevant if the first question was no.  no i don't have alone time unless using the bathroom or taking a shower count as alone time.  i can hide in my space but i am a fulltime caretaker and worker and outside of the at home time close to bed then i don't have space for anything really.  it's why i need a fucking vacation and some general fucking.


rules rules rules

Sunday, April 17, 2022 No comments

prompt: if you have a list of rules, how often are they sorted through, changed or additions made?  don't have them now, didn't have them before so they were never sorted through, changed or additions made.  as i have mentioned over the last few posts i don't know how i would have reacted even if i did have them but right now i can say that it never came up so there's that.  

someone on fet posted this yesterday: "If someone ghosts you, respect the dead and never disturb them again."

gonna admit this is a struggle for me.  while i don't believe that having a final conversation lets everyone go on about their day, i sometimes want that final conversation so that i can put things to bed in my mind.  i'm gonna say sometimes because it really depends on how we end things.  if it was a spiteful end then fuck you and your feelings.  i only spoke to Mr. Wolf once after he released me and that conversation did not go well both because of what he was asking and how he went about it.  we didn't talk after that and i have no idea what he said about me at that stage.  if it held to type i was all sorts of bitches who didn't know what they really wanted or needed.  based on his blog i think he was realizing that it just wasn't a good fit because of how we both saw the world but yeah i didn't read that until after he died.  contrast that with RS, GN or the Dutchman.  while i'm talking to GN now so we're able to work through some things, it took a long time and i was hurt by his lack of connection after we had such a long relationship.  He and RS just kinda vanished.  that shit hurt a lot.  i'm not reaching out to RS anymore but it's only because i don't have a way to do so.  i emailed him maybe a year after our last contact and the email address had been deactivated.  i see the Dutchman who i think i'm gonna start calling DM and Mr. Wolf MW so i can stop typing this out each time.  anyway i see DM on fet pretty routinely.  i know he's okay and i know that he doesn't want to talk to me.  i'm still struggling with that.  He was just gone from me one day and the last time i saw him in person we may have been around each other for maybe 20 minutes before he had to go.  but i miss him like i missed GN and RS.  except it was different and more raw and it still sucks.  i sent a message a few days ago actually and recognized he would most likely not respond.  but instead of saying it was okay like normal i said that it hurt because it does.  regardless, after sending it and saying it sucks that he will never say anything in response more than likely, i felt lighter.  i am going to try my best to leave him alone.  


randomness check in

Saturday, April 16, 2022 No comments

i'm about halfway through the writing prompts and whereas it was feeling very productive and self reflective early in the process, i'm not getting that so much anymore.  it's not that it couldn't be but these prompts are, as i have mentioned before, mostly written from the perspective of someone that is coupled in a very "formal" kind of dynamic with expressed rules and expectations and punishments.  my dynamics have had those loosely and real life impacted the ability for any of them to be enacted and enforced.  i'm not sure if i would have enjoyed the dynamics more or less if they had been enacted and enforced. i have no way of knowing at this point and the people that had engaged with me in the past aren't doing so now so there's no redo on that.  i feel like anyone that i meet now would have to deal with me testing them a bit to figure out how we mesh up or if we mesh up.  not a full on brat but more hesitant to be sure.   i still believe in that rush of NRE but i'm not leaping forward into what that could be without taking more time and figuring out what feels good both physically/sexually and emotionally/psychologically.  i'm not necessarily looking for a forever partner but long-term sure.  if it became forever, i wouldn't be upset but right now i'm just looking for a good fit on all levels.  not perfect because we can grow together if we are clicking.  but not so out of sync that we are forcing things to work.  been there and done that.  t-shirt isn't worth it.  but on the real, i'm happy and chilling.  things/people/situations will present when they are ready and not a moment sooner.  okay, off to watch dumb tv and eat leftoevers.


this is gonna be a rough section

prompt: what are your Dominant's daily expectations of you? when i had one and at certain points in time in the relationship it was to get some sleep as my sleep cycle is trash, to check in regularly--not daily necessarily but regularly, and to let them know if i was having and problems.  nothing major, guessing because for the most part we have not lived together and because i'd probably not do them anyway.


i cannot stress enough that i need rest

Friday, April 15, 2022 No comments

prompt for yesterday: what is your favorite rule?  this would imply i have rules which to date i have not.  outside of my Dominant partners pretty much all renaming me and that be what i respond to there's been nothing firmly in place that was a rule i regularly followed.  and even the name thing was kind of organic not a formal hey you are being renamed because i want to call you xyz.  

prompt for today: what do you know of your Dominant's reasons for the rules and orders you are to follow? why does he request these things? what is he trying to teach you?  single and no rules so there's that.  this hasn't come up for me at this point so yeah can't really delve into this.


You know that's not quite right

Wednesday, April 13, 2022 No comments

Prompt: What do you think is the biggest misconception from the outside world regarding BDSM?  I am not sure there is one primary one.  The two that come to mind the most readily is that people in BDSM are broken in some profound way and that everyone is just into kinky sex without regards to the power dynamics that are in play for a lot of us.  There are broken people everywhere and there are not more of them in BDSM.  It's just when they make the news it highlights the bad behavior of someone who was a predator and found a home in the community that welcomes in exiles.  Just like other communities though we are annoyed, embarrassed, angry and want the person punished not to have to explain that they were not representative of the rest of the community.  I do have kinky sex but I have kinky sex with people that I choose to surrender control to as part of our relationship dynamic.  I don't want to be in charge, to lead, to fuss or to do anything other than submit to the will of my chosen partner.  I rarely have kinky sex these days because I'm single.  No preferred penis, no submissive stance, no kinky sex.  And the surrender has to happen outside of the bedroom in order for it to be even slightly enjoyable.


just use the force

Tuesday, April 12, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Are there areas that you have pushed yourself to explore?  Are there areas you want to explore but need someone to make you?  Related to submission, I think the only area that I "forced" myself to explore was polyamory.  Forced is a strong word here.  I was in a situation where I had two different Dominant options that presented different opportunities and I wanted to explore what that would look like.  Turns out it looked confusing and not viable but not because it was a bad idea necessarily but because we couldn't accomplish the first thing with open communication among all parties.  I think force won't work on me as much as coercion.  Not in the if you don't do x I'll punish you or abandon you or what have you kind of sense.  More so in the questioning, listening, coaxing and then encouraging kind of way.  That has worked amazingly well.


breaking things

Monday, April 11, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Discuss the last time that you broke a rule. What happened?  Have you broken that rule before?  Do you think it is one that you may break again?  Doesn't really apply to me.  I don't have a lot of rules and thus haven't broken many of any thing along the way.  I think the only thing I was asked to do--not a rule--was to check in with Mr. Wolf regularly.  That's not how I function so I couldn't wrap my head around that.  I tried but gave up quickly.  It's not something I think I would agree to do in the future.


this one doesn't apply either

Sunday, April 10, 2022 No comments

prompt for today: what has changed in your dynamic this past year? is it a positive or negative change? how has it affected your serve (service maybe)? well pandemic happened to all of us but i'm single so nope nothing has changed in my dynamic over this last year.  i'm on better terms with one ex, another passed away, and still a third reminded me that i didn't matter to him in the same way he mattered to me.  i'd say i'm tilting negative but really it's a status quo thing.  it has not impacted my service because i'm not in a position to serve anyone.  i'm hungry.  let me find something to eat and i'll be back.  okay back until i go make dinner. honestly, i'm trying to get over and through---permanently--my ex Dom so i can find the right person to partner with in the future.  it's hard to ponder as i don't seem to know where i might meet that person even if i wanted to do so.  maybe i'll just be a gray haired lady with a cat and a dog in the future that travels randomly and comes back and tells my pets all about it later.


to quote the princess bride: life is pain

Saturday, April 09, 2022 No comments


Prompt for today: If SM is part of your dynamic, explain how pain works for you.  Is it a sexual turn-on, a healing release, a spiritual moment, a session of giving?  So I read this question and then had to realize that pain is not a part of everyone's dynamic.  This may be one of my longer responses recently.  Pain is everything.  If I'm being flogged, fisted, spanked, paddled, scratched, hit or what have you the release of endorphins both gives me peace and makes me horny.  Yeah it's a weird contradiction but I can't really enjoy you if you cannot hurt me.  There's a momentary exception for rope play but not really because I zone out from the restriction and we're back to happy town and orgasms.  Generally speaking in exchange for taking the pain my partner inflicts, their sadism needs are fed.  It's a welcome exchange of needs and gratification.  If the right notes have been hit as it were the whole thing will make me cry which is another kind of release.  Not the sad tears, not even pain tears, just relief tears.  Pain is one of the few things that slows me down enough to sit still and feel.  One of my non kinky friends told me a million years ago that the men that willingly hurt me probably won't fall in love with me and I'm gonna be honest I was offended at the time.  Looking back on it now I can't say he's wrong.  GN liked stretching me out and choking me but nothing that ever really sent me off into ridiculous pain town.  Mr. Wolf spanked me and tied me up and I enjoyed both of those things.  He fisted me a few times as well.  I came hard but that was the point.  He wanted to make me cum.  If he was trying to hurt me that never really happened thus there was not cathartic pain release involved.  The one time I cried with him wasn't tied to him hurting me but rather the Dutchman hurting me and then leaving without doing it again or allowing my brain to adjust to what was happening.  So that wasn't the good cry, it was the abandoned cry.  But I guess to get back to the prompt, pain for me is an integral part of the whole process.  I can still enjoy lots of things related to our play but nothing that comes close to if the pain is actively a part of  the process.


friday fun

Friday, April 08, 2022 No comments

Prompt for yesterday: What has been the most difficult hurdle to cross?  I have no idea what to say here.  It doesn't feel D/s centric but in that sense I think the most difficult thing to handle is dealing with not having the person you want be your person anymore.  That sucks and it isn't fun to experience but there's no way to adjust that so I just let time run and attempt to feel better.

Prompt for today: Are you a social person? What would you do if your Dominant wished you not to socialize? Would you be able to obey their wishes comfortably, or would you feel the request was unnatural for you?  This question was longer than my thoughts on it.  I'm not super social so staying home and not hanging out wouldn't hurt my feelings or change my life much.  If it is social at work well I can't do my job to some extent so that won't work.

i thought last night as i wasn't typing this about the rain.  if you've been around a minute then you know the rain was very important to me and RS a million years ago.  rain made me miss him and want him in equal doses.  turns out that's a fetish of sorts, i can achieve orgasm without it clearly but a good orgasm during a good storm is a thing of beauty.  that's called ombrophilia.  completely different than the kind of watery based activity that the Dutchman sparked interest in later.  that is definitely not called ombrophilia.  it's urophilia or urolangia if we wanna be technically but piss play works as well.  i'm just sharing this randomly because yeah i can.


y'all it's been a lot lol

Wednesday, April 06, 2022 No comments

the last few days i legit have just come home, cooked, did some work and passed the fuck out.  my bad for not posting but yeah that routine did not say sit up and boot up the computer.  let me just say these are a series of WTF prompts for me.  i know that some people have done, would do, any of these things willingly.  i also know that at one point i contemplated the prompt for today but i don't think it would have the effect now that it may have had when i fantasized about it a billion years ago.  gonna try to answer these without just turning off the computer and saying nope.

prompt for monday: how would you train someone else to serve your dominant if you were asked to do so? probably not, i'm not trained and it would be a whole lot of stumbling around and frustration.  plus if he wants her trained i'm not doing that cause i'm gonna be in my feelings.  sharing won't work for me unless i'm secure and thus far security has not been in play.

prompt for yesterday: would you ever go through some training with a dominant that was not you own? what for? not sure and not sure.  training seems to be grating on my hypothetical nerves right now so i'm not sure what it would be for or why i would do it.

prompt for today: do you spend time in a cage or confined area?  how does it make you feel? why are you placed there? nope and think one of two things would happen right now if it was attempted.  i'd fall asleep because i'm just too tired to deal with the fuckery OR i'd be anxious as fuck and wig out. 


i have thoughts, lots of them, so buckle up

Sunday, April 03, 2022 No comments

Prompt for yesterday: What lost art or etiquette lesson do you think would brighten service to your Dominant?  Honestly I don't know.  Mr. Wolf was fascinated with the 50s house wife motif and it was one of my favorite dress up roles.  I love cooking and baking from scratch so that's not something I'd struggle to do.  I can't imagine anyone wanting me to sew but I can do that as well.  I enjoy gardening.  I could host a dinner party as easily as I could plan a progressive dinner party.  I know a ridiculous amount about sports, cars, and stereotypical boy interests.  I don't know much about smoking but that's because I don't like the smell and it would trigger an asthma attack in the past.  I guess I could learn how to perform a cigar service if they were interested but the men who like to smoke cigars, in general, are not men that I enjoy serving.  Their energy has felt off for me thus far.  There's always an exception to the rule but that's where it would be now.  Maybe cleaning more because I only like cleaning when I'm cranky.  The rest of the time I'm fucking tired and want a nap.

Prompt for today: Is there something you never thought you would do but are considering with your current partner? Don't have a current partner as all of you know.  With my immediate past dynamics, I didn't think I'd attempt or enjoy polyamory.  I can say that I didn't enjoy it because what I thought would make it successful was off the table.  I had no relationship with Mr. Wolf's girls and Mr. Wolf refused to interact with the Dutchman.  So I was floating between relationships and anxious a lot more than I probably wanted to be most of the time.  So that's a global didn't think I would attempt or consider.  A more specific one is when I helped the Dutchman break my brain with urine play.  After I got over the initial hesitation, I figured out that with the right person I really enjoyed that.  Didn't work for everyone but that's neither here nor there.


I appreciate the lack of April Fools Jokes this year

Friday, April 01, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: What do you do to define your work mindset from your submissive one?  Or something like that.  My work mindset has to be damn near polar opposite my submissive mindset.  If I sit back and let other people handle things, a lot of things will never get accomplished.  I have to be as in charge as my role will allow me and then I have to tackle as much as I can week in and week out.  When I submit, I don't really want to think about what I'm wearing let alone anything else.  There have been moments where that happened yes but they weren't consistent because most of the time my Dominant partners have had enough on their plate so that micromanaging me was not an option really.  It's what I'd desire though.

And as the title says, I'm good on the lack of April Fool's jokes this year and really probably forever.  They aren't usually very funny and can be kinda hurtful.  I really just want to relax and mind my business.


Rebooting because that's what I do

Thursday, March 31, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: How did you discover your triggers? Did you have obvious things in your life or past that made you aware of possible triggers?

So I may not have a good answer to any of this.  I don't have triggers in the sense that if X happens Y will occur.  What I have is adjustment or not to patterns.  I am anxious sometimes about communication changes or insecurity but I can't tell you there's an X for those things.  Being a dark skinned woman who is not a size two with long flowing hair then I certainly was made to feel some kind of way.  Once someone gets me comfortable, I'm a great big happy baby.  But I'm slow to get comfy with most people because people lie and because I'm a pile of mush when I'm a great big happy baby.

Beyond that I'm gonna work on a vision board now that two things I needed to get through are done.  I'm opting to say what I need in a new way that neither infringes on anyone's good time or stymies me.  I'm happy.  Let me go check on dinner.


deny, deny, deny

Wednesday, March 30, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: How would you handle being outed in the vanilla world? Depends on who it was and the scenario but more than likely lie my ass off--I'm good at that when I need to be.  If it was someone I thought I could trust I'd be as transparent as felt comfortable.


who found out glass dildos rock today?

Tuesday, March 29, 2022 No comments

Yeah that's right, I did.  I may get back to it later but prompt up first.

Prompt for today: Reflect on a time you chose to submit when it was difficult. The only thing that really comes to mind is when GN made me stop driving because it was causing me more stress.  He was right but I didn't enjoy it and as soon as I was feeling better I took the wheel again.  I don't enjoy letting control slip away in the vanilla world so depending on him to handle things was yucky but I needed it. 

I woke up this morning semi dripping.  Instead of just getting in the shower and hoping it was all good, I grabbed the package of sex toys that have been waiting to be used and grabbed the larger glass dildo.  The fact that there was literally no give in it meant I was impaled quickly, grabbed my magic wand to buzz me on over the edge and came good and hard before my morning shower.  Couldn't tell you what I was dreaming about now but I needed that orgasm clearly.  Unrelated--say a prayer or send out good energy to GN.  He's not doing well right now and as much as I don't want to lose anyone else, his kids are still super young and need him.


ha ha ha, why not all the things

Monday, March 28, 2022 No comments

prompt for today: talk about something that scares you.  mostly never being in a functional relationship again or not being able to meet my obligations.  i don't like letting people down.


cue the janet jackson

Sunday, March 27, 2022 No comments

i don't always say what i want to say here because i'm not sure who is reading it.  that's dumb because as best i can tell the only people reading this are bots and me. i don't want to make people uncomfortable but i don't have anyone to talk about this stuff with anymore.  i'm single. most of the submissive leaning friends i had disappeared or don't fit in my life anymore.  i don't have any dom friends really, not anymore.  i have exes, memories and ghosts.  i didn't even open up about this to my last therapist because she wasn't ready and i need someone who can get in there with me.  there are days i am just fine and there are days i am cratered.  those cratered days have been coming more often because i'm tired and when i'm tired i cannot keep everything together.  shit is hard enough when i'm ok and feeling good but right now i'm neither.  and all i want is my dad really.  i'd really dig it if we could sit on the couch and talk about malcolm x and cartoons and tennis and if tiger woods is ever gonna play again and that he was proud of me again.  i haven't heard his voice in almost 21 years and fuck that hurts.  cause what i do have is a banshee that is the absolute fucking worst and i get to take care of her until she's gone.  and you know what i cannot think of the last time she said she was proud of me and she only says thank you when she feels compelled to.  not big on the love you either.

sorry had to pause to cry for a second.  when i fall in love, it tends to be way too deeply and with someone who isn't really available to me.  that hasn't changed as part of D/s.  if anything it's worse.  then men who connect to my spirit are usually good fathers who make me feel safe.  kinda like my dad did.  the difference is my dad went out of his way to tell all of us he loved us and was proud of us and check in on me in particular sometimes because he knew i made myself small when i was hurting.  and when i was small i was quiet and i could say that way indefinitely.  my partners don't know that though.  they aren't part of my coping strategy and are often confused by the switch in my personality.  kinky me is very direct and very honest.  hurt me is damn near able to disappear.  prolonged hurt me then has questions but it's too late by then.  i was just thinking about when i fell out of love with one of my vanilla exes who captured my psyche and i can't tell you for certain. one day that emotion was just gone but it was well after the relationship ended.  that's where i am now.  except that the men now can and have seen parts of my being that no one else has.  all they haven't gotten out of me is my dad's nickname for me and that's probably a good thing.  if that had become associated with one of them i might be suicidal to never hear it again.  

so here i am right now deliberately not reaching out to GN or the Dutchman because they have moved on and i'm the dumbass fighting my tears late on a Sunday night.  neither will see this anytime soon and no one that knows any of us will relay that message.  i used to hope for that.  that someone would say that girl needs you, please go check on her.  that girl loves you, would move heaven and earth for you, what else do you need.  don't you want a sub who lays herself open to you.  then why did you leave her hanging.  but no one knows me or them well enough to even start that conversation and i'm happy about that right now.  that would sound desperate as fuck and there's no reason to spark a pity tour.  i'll be okay after i catch my breath.  not sure when that will be but it's not tonight.


Yes, no, it's complicated

Prompt for today: For poly submissives are you jealous of the time your Dominant spends with other partners in the relationship?  How do you cope with that?  So my last two dynamics were both poly.  In one relationship there was no jealousy.  Annoyance every blue moon because information was not relayed in a straight forward manner.  But I was happy as fuck that they distracted him more often than not.  They fed his need to dominate a partner in a way that I could not because he wasn't showing to me that he could feed the needs I had in our dynamic.  In the other dynamic, I was jealous about work if I'm going to be perfectly honest.  He inflamed every part of my senses and I wanted to be up under him 24/7 if I could have been.  In this situation, it never would have happened.  As much as I created erections for him, as much as he made me drip drop around the spaces I existed in, he was never in a position that he could have--or likely really wanted to--dominate me in the way that only he could.  To be clear y'all I was fucked in the head.  I could have picked up and relocated on a whim if he had asked me to do that.  He didn't and it wasn't because there was someone else--that I was in competition with if that makes sense.  I was just losing out to the rest of his life.  So I guess the answer is it depends on the person and the nature of our dynamic.  In one situation, I was pretty chill.  In the other, I turned myself into knots hoping I could make it better but without the ability to do so.


I think I'm sick

Saturday, March 26, 2022 No comments

I'm tired and my patience is on -200340405968.  Let's get to the prompt and I will see if there's anything else worth adding.  

Prompt for today: Complete this sentence and then keep writing: Sometimes I hate being a submissive because this is the one area of my life that I have no control over and I hate it.  I'm a chronic control freak in almost every other way and I enjoy it that way.  This is shit that is beyond me and that's annoying.  Let me say though I couldn't be a dominant or a switch either.  I don't want to control anyone else.  I barely want to control me.

So I'm at a down ebb in this whole strong Black woman shtick.  My work email keeps blowing up even as I keep unsubscribing from different things.  I keep having to be strong Black lady who knows all the things, manages all the things, and is present at all the things while little to nothing gets done without me borderline harassing folks.  There are some people stepping up but they either look like me or are otherwise othered by our coworkers and we are all exhausted.  My mother is just fucking exhausting.  I could elaborate but trust me in that it wouldn't help you do anything but pity me.  All of this is wearing me out clearly.  I've been asleep or nodding off most of the day.  I don't do that unless I'm tired as shit or sick.  I've been more tired lately because work has been kicking my ass and my mother is fucking exhausting. 

I could desperately go for a long heavy pain session.  One in which my limbs ache after and I worry about how I can play off that bruise before the next doctors appointment or day in the office.  One in which I am borderline violated by my sadistic playmate whose only desire is to have his fluids dripping out of my orifices randomly for the next several hours.  One after which I just want to curl up next to my dominant partner and giggle/whimper into his hold as he tells me what a good little girl/slut/cunt I was and my heart is full as I drift off to sleep. Yeah I need to be hurt and a new dynamic.  Maybe in that order I don't know.


Adulting really is fucking exhausting

Friday, March 25, 2022 No comments

Prompt for yesterday: How do you respond to a crisis?  I tend to figure out what needs to be done, the quickest way to get it done, who needs to be involved to address the issue and then go from there.  Once it's done then I will collapse and sleep until I have to get back into the fray and keep taking care of things.  That's been my entire last 20 plus years of life.  Periods of calm between crises.

Prompt for today: If you became ill or injured at a BDSM play space or event--what would you do?  What could the others around you do if you aren't able to?  What is a simple way to prepare for a health situation that would require contacting your family? Now I'm not sure.  I have never played in public and my partners in private had access to my phone and knew my family's names so they would know who to contact.  I just realized they may need my passcode for the phone because every phone is locked these days.  I have never done a pick up scene so yeah people would get in my phone and call the mom contact or my brother who is listed in the ICE entry on the phone.

I did nothing productive today.  I got a pedicure cause my feet were making my sheets unhappy.   And then I got a massage.  I made the pizza dough before it went bad so I'll put up the pizza soon and then I'm going to bed because why the fuck not.


Sentence building

Wednesday, March 23, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Complete this sentence and then keep writing.  "I need to accept that my life will always be complicated and the kind of kink relationship I want/need may not manifest."  I'm not sure what else to say there because it's the truth.  I either click with men in complicated points in their lives, have complicated shit going on in my own life, or both. The kind of kink relationship I want versus the kind that fits in my life isn't exactly firing on all cylinders either.  I can fit in sometime play partners.  I cannot fit in the loving Dominant that I'd prefer.  Well loving with some massive sadistic tendencies and the desire to make my brain jelly when we get the opportunity. 


Tired tired, kinky girl down

Tuesday, March 22, 2022 No comments

Prompt for yesterday: Have you ever been so discouraged that you gave up on kink for a time?  What caused this despair? How did it work, returning to vanilla?  What caused you to return to kink?  I don't think I gave up on kink more than I just wasn't looking for a relationship.  I haven't been in a vanilla relation in decades and am not interested in seeking one out.  I eventually find someone that sparks my interest and I engage with kink again.  Right now I'm just taking the time to learn more about myself and kink.

Prompt for today: Have you ever been given a task that you just couldn't do?  No because in discussing tasks and pushing boundaries if I really didn't think I could do it then I'd say that up front and we'd find a new plan.


May feel like a double but it's because the earlier post was around midnight

Sunday, March 20, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Pick one thing that's standing in the way of your dreams.  What could you achieve if that one thing was removed from your life?  I was going to say there's nothing in the way but really it's income.  If I had more money I could do the things I'd like to do without thinking about them too much.  Like at this moment I'd really like to send someone out to bring me some Abuelo's but I'm not even sure if they are still open or my favorite Thai place but they are definitely closed today.  Or a time machine to go back to when the pandemic started and take out the folks we knew would become a problem in fighting it.  Or to when my dad was alive so we could all make some different decisions.  So yeah income or a time machine.


Interesting question

Prompt for today: If you invented a device that could fix one problem you are facing right now, would you use it?  What problem would you like to solve?  So I was tossing around options in my head just now and honestly I'd like a machine that lets me produce the income I need to address all of the busy work I don't have enough energy to do solo.  Pay someone to pack up the house under my direction and relocate it.  Pay someone to fix the unresolved things in the new house under my direction quickly.  Pay someone to put another five feet onto the back of the house so the kitchen, dining room and living room was bigger.  Pay someone to drive me around when I'm exhausted and entertain mom when I'm exhausted.  Pay off all the major bills (for me and my family) so that everything going forward was just cost of living stuff.  Pay someone so I never had another IBS flare or worried about having another IBS flare.  There are lots of problems to solve but it would need to be a device that doesn't harm anyone else--like it can't loot old people or the government.  And it can't bankrupt me in old age.  Or do some irrevocable damage to my family.  Clearly I watch a lot of science fiction movies.  

We did another round of clean up at the house and we're nearing the please buy this damn thing phase.  I came home and did a lot of stress cooking/baking.  I made gingerbread muffins and then homemade pizzas for dinner.  Mom dug her cauliflower crust so brownie points for me.  If neither of us are exhausted tomorrow we'll go back and spend another few hours working our way through what's left and head back home to rest. 


Two for Friday, your girl is tired

Friday, March 18, 2022 No comments

Prompt for yesterday: how do you handle failing at a task your Dominant gives? I'd say look at yesterday's post or I guess Wednesday's post but honestly this hasn't happened a ton.  I don't react well initially and then I try again because that's what you do.  Or at least that's what I do.

Prompt for today: what do you want to know but are too timid to ask? I ask the question, just not the people who would give me an honest answer or I give them an out to not respond.  I normally want to know why not me.  Like what happened to make me no longer interesting or engaging.  But does it really matter in the end?  Nope it does not.  Everything else I may ask badly but I ask.

I don't have much else to say today.  I was supposed to be on vacation this week but that has meant a lot of ripping and running instead of relaxing.  Meetings, presentations, tending to house stuff, what have you but no resting.  Will be back at it tomorrow and then maybe some stress baking/cooking.


this must be the crappy for single subs section of the prompts

Wednesday, March 16, 2022 No comments

Prompt: How do you react when your Dominant expects something of you that you are not prepared to give?  Is that the way you want to respond, and how does your Dominant want you to respond?  This has only come up in one dynamic really and I tried it and then gave up on it because I didn't have the energy or patience to do that thing when I was doing a billion other things.  I'm sure it wasn't how he wanted me to respond but I was struggling with submitting to someone who was much newer to the lifestyle than I was and who refused to acknowledge that there were issues between us because of that.  And he didn't know how to manage me.


Sometimes things just line up

Tuesday, March 15, 2022 No comments

Prompt: How does external stress affect your submission or service?  The nerd in me is wondering if that should be effect not affect but I don't care enough to go look it up right now.  External stress makes me shut down eventually.  When I shut down I don't ask for help or reach out to my dominant partner.  I just take care of the have to take care of things and then go to bed.  That made Mr. Wolf insane because I didn't even pretend like I as going to put him first.  Mom was sick, I was going up for a new job, my health was all over the place.  In a moment when I needed to be taken care of, he ended up adding stress because I wasn't journaling or checking in with him or making time to see him.  Forgive me, my mother almost died so making time to check in was not a priority.  I'm ranting a bit sorry.  The point is, I'm probably not a good submissive when I'm highly stressed unless we live together.  Then you can get me to relax or beat me until I do.  If we're separate then I'd do what I with Mr. Wolf more than likely and shut you out.

You have the current blog title because even though I'm supposed to be on vacation this week, I had to go to work.  And while I was at work diffusing one situation two more blew up and I was just fucking tired.  I came home to see if they had jacked up my bathroom as much as I thought they did and yep it was worse.  So I called the folks that called me about the warranty and home and yeah they apologized a lot but they can't fix what is happening.  So I had my only meal of the day and then I crashed.  I woke up and ordered delivery because fuck if I'm cooking and after I eat I'm probably going back to bed.  I'm just tired.  That's what stress does to me, make me fucking tired.


Breakthroughs, breakdowns and broken things

Monday, March 14, 2022 No comments

Prompt for the day: How do you handle your Dominant's disappointment in you or your performance in a task?  Honestly, I don't handle that well.  I have never handled disappointing men I care about well.  It makes me sad and moody and then I kind of go into overdrive to make it better.  I'll also beat myself up a little emotionally until I can get myself together.  Thankfully that doesn't happen too often when I'm in a dynamic.  

The title was just a nifty one.  I'm feeling better today.  I like moments of growth.  I'm not perfect but I'm improving daily.  Life isn't perfect but it's better than I deserve sometimes.  Each day will have ebbs and flows as long as I allow myself to keep trying.


no snappy title volume wtf

Sunday, March 13, 2022 No comments

Prompt: Are you encouraged to use dirty talk during sexual play?  How does it make you feel?  I don't know that I've actively been encouraged or discouraged.  I tend to say things like fuck me Daddy or hurt me because I'm encouraging more abuse. Typically though I'm just moaning and cumming and slurping and sucking and what have you.  Dirty talk doesn't make me feel anything in particular.  My connection to my Dominant partner can make me feel sexy, girly, giggly, or stupid as the case may be.  

I had more thoughts about something else but I legit have forgotten what it was.  I've been tired as shit all day and it's gone.  It was probably about work, relationships or resting.  Whatever it was, shit is not in my brain now.

Thoughts have returned.  I'm probably going to cut and paste this part to Fetlife because it relates there too.  There's an app based game that I have been playing longer than I should have called Choices.  In that game the stories are kind of like grown up choose your own adventures we used to read as kids.  Some are campy, some are scary, some are sweet and the current phase are tarty with one having a clear BDSM story line in play.  This is the digital version of me that's having much more fun than the real version of me until this past week's chapter dropped.  It was in that moment that digital me and real me had life collide except digital me had a cleaner break than I did and of course a moment of courage I did not achieve dashed in with the other part of why submission is hard for me--the threat of exposure.  I don't trust a lot of people to engage in the first place because it only takes one of them to potentially derail my entire life.  It's not even that I'm a submissive that I think would cause the most harm but that I'm a Black woman in kink who is unmarried, happy about that and not actively looking to conform.  If this was an activity with my husband some people may titter behind my back but single, globe trotting, dick riding and swallowing kinky Black women are not help in the highest regard.  I digress.  As I was reading the Dominant partner in this case cutting off the relationship because THEY were too emotionally invested but blaming the submissive partner's potential for emotional investment, something snapped for me.  It doesn't matter why they leave in the end. The rationale isn't as crucial as the fact that they opted to leave.  That making it work was more of a challenge than they wanted to take on so they took the path of least resistance.  I won't call it easy because it literally may not be easy for them to cut someone off cold and they may regret it upon occasion but ultimately the act is the same.  Separation of the dynamic.

I have been desperate to avoid the ache that even digital me got hit with this week.  Yes I've wanted that person, my person, back and to live out the highs and lows of a long-term dynamic again but if I'm being completely honest I miss the simple aspects of having a dominant partner in my life.  Someone to celebrate with and be goofy with and to share my fears when something bad is going on or to make plans with about dumb things.  I miss the things that keep me engaged beyond the submission, the sense of caring and belonging that the right partner can give you.  I felt like I was cut adrift by a few of these relationships ending because there was no this is good-bye moment.  It was just absence that stretched into more and more days.  An occasional resurfacing and then nothing.  No I'm sorry little girl.  No I'll talk to you later baby girl. No goodbye for now or forever my cunt.  Just nothing.  The emotional vacuum that caused for me was not something my very logical mind could prepare for in advance and nothing my submissive brain could overcome the next time it happened.  It was just all of the short circuiting of systems at once.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not sure how I would have handled a formal conversation had they occurred.  I was mad at Mr. Wolf when he ended things but mostly because of WHY he did it not how.  And I'm pretty sure I giggled when Emperor ended things because he just knew he was getting an upgrade.  She was thinner, taller, with fairer skin and longer hair and she promised she was amazingly flexible and submissive and could spend hours in rope.  I mean I might have left me for that person too--if they were telling the truth and I knew that she was not.  Finding out I was right later did not make me feel better.  Well not really, who doesn't like being right?  It was just a waste.

I think I've said this before but I've been doing BDSM wrong in some respects.  I'm all about vetting and making sure I mesh well with someone.  I'm all about making sure our kinks align and that we can find areas to connect in when we need to be in vanilla spaces together.  What I have been less successful at--and I'm willing to say just bad at--is figuring out what kind of dynamic are we going to have, how are we going to handle conflict, how do we resolve issues when they arise, when do we acknowledge problems and how, how do we handle separating if we need to do so?  I started the Submissive Guide prompts to figure out what kind of submissive I am.  I don't know that the prompts have helped with that directly but I do know a few things about who I am based on what has been brought out of me in these various dynamics.  I am submissive with some very untapped slave tendencies.  Those will not come out with the average person but if you manage to flip that switch then I can serve you in ways that just regular old submissive me cannot.  I am well educated, becoming more well traveled, am a decent cook and above average baker.  If it was 1952, I'd slide on into the housewife tradition and make your cocktail before bringing you your meal and happily giving you an after dinner blow job while you enjoy dessert.  I'd rather be in lingerie and an apron than pajamas but if I'm super honest I'd rather be nude at your feet letting you stroke my hair while you read the paper or watch TV.  I don't see myself as a service submissive even though I can provide some high quality service.  I'm a sexually charged submissive with a masochistic streak wide enough to accommodate the vast majority of your debauchery.  And I desperately long to be used by someone who fully appreciates those qualities and has to worry about hurting me because I'm probably gonna giggle faster than I say my safe word.

I can function in a dynamic without a strong mental connection BUT (and this is important) you are going to think I'm a brat because you will have to continue to convince me that I should do any of the things you ask me to do.  If the reasoning isn't sound to my mind then I won't do them ultimately.  If we have a strong mental connection, I will damn near move mountains to achieve what you ask of me.  My physical connection to you will depend largely on what kind of mental connection we have.  A strong and engaged mental connection means you can look at me and I will be happy to do almost anything you could ask of me without complaint, question, fear or concern.  People watching would be concerned about my health potentially because I will zen into the happiest of Yes Sir spaces until I know you are spent and happy with me.  If we don't have a strong mental connection you can convince my body to respond to you and you'll have a blast but I'm more of a wind up toy in that situation than a personal professional slut puppy.  The big deal here too is my submission sexually can be insane and without concern to anything but lust in that moment so if you only end up with wind up toy version of me you're missing out on several levels of depravity.

What my compartmentalized story did was remind me of two things, I can't wish a relationship into existence.  And I don't have to keep being afraid.  Even digital me, making all the best decisions, couldn't stop the inevitable exist from happening.  But if I live afraid then I don't really live.  I asked GN why he never came back for me and he didn't think he could.  So I may have wasted a ton of time when despite what I think are clear entreaties to my former partners they don't feel like they can or want to go backwards so there's no chance for us regardless.  It's been an odd bit of confluence and I needed it to happen.  I'm ready world.  Come find me.