Finally some relief

Thursday, January 27, 2022 No comments

My body is finally healing.  It threw things in a bit of disarray as I was trying to come home but fuck it we're done now.  Okay not done, I probably have another day or two of antibiotics at a minimum before it's ready to be gone out of my system this time but I did listen to my body more clearly.  I only went to the office on the days that I needed to be there and said fuck it on the days that I did not.  Life is better.  I can actually go get my massage tomorrow and drive down to take care of an issue with my car.  Well provided it doesn't snow again.  Ahh well, I need a nap.  Not this early because I am not trying to be exhausted when I wake up in the morning.

Complete this sentence and then keep writing: I owe an apology to myself for all of the times I didn't put my needs first, when I couldn't find my voice, when I kept myself comfortable instead of happy and when I didn't hold myself accountable.  Each of those failings has meant that I didn't experience something new or joyful or that I didn't maintain progress that helped me move on to some new level.  I always put myself a little lower on the priority list and that isn't healthy because when I finally am able to take care of me because I have to then other people get upset or inpatient as I am usually so accessible.  Now I will never ignore everyone else and what they need but if I wasn't the caregiver in the family or the responsible one I don't know that I'd be writing this right now or that I'd be writing it from a new spot instead of where I am now.  I would probably be enjoying a pair of size 10 jeans with my butt nice and tight and boobs acting like not sure where you think I'm going.  And if I had been better to myself I would have moved on from certain things and situations earlier than I did because nothing came from fixating on them or staying longer than I should have really.  So yes to be my best me, I need to love on me harder.


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no puedo

Wednesday, January 26, 2022 No comments

I'm exhausted so responses will be brief


Prompt for yesterday: What have you done today to honor your relationship?  Literally nothing because I'm super single and enjoy that right now.

Prompt for today: Does romance have its place in a D/s relationship?  Of course it does and if it doesn't then you suck.  That's not true, it may not have a place in all D/s relationships but in mine it has thus far.  I enjoy it and will enjoy it more again.


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Because snow on a Monday is on trend

Monday, January 24, 2022 No comments

Still feeling cruddy and it's snowing and cold.  Boo.

Prompt for today: What is your most favorite part of your Dominant's body? Do you pay special attention to it? How would you feel about having to worship their body part as a part of your service?  I don't know that I've ever thought about a favorite body part.  In a very esoteric way, I would say brain because it's the part that keeps me in check and happy.  Can't really worship that without making his actual head larger than it needs to be.  So secondary to that would be his hands.  I love them stroking my face and choking my neck and doing other random shit with them.  Tying me up is good too.  I think I'd be fine worshiping hands if I needed to do so.  Not sure what he'd make me do but I'm probably okay with it.


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Best Laid Plans, who the fuck am I kidding

Sunday, January 23, 2022 No comments

So my plan for today was to get up and reboot.  However, my overstressed last few weeks finally caught up to me yesterday and I had a flair up with my autoimmune situation.  The antibiotics kicked my ass and my body just derailed.  On the upside, not terribly hungry so not overeating.  Downside, I'm really fucking tired right now and have been napping on and off.

Prompt for today: What is your understanding of Topping from the Bottom?   I started this hours ago and then I took a nap and my mom came to hang out so here ya go.  My understanding of this is how a sub/bottom/brat whatever it is finds a way to manipulate their Dom/Top/Whatever is opposite of brat into whatever direction or actions they want without being obvious about it.  It's manipulative to me and with a dominant partner who may not be as sure of themselves it seems like it could happen more often.  I think of given ultimatums or making the Dominant partner upset mid scene so they lose their cool and are more aggressive or inflict more pain than they were planning.  Or challenging them on something that provokes a certain response.  This seems like it could go awry quickly and isn't worth it really.  Just find someone that fits you better.


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Early post because I can

Saturday, January 22, 2022 No comments

doing it now before i fall asleep and forget

Prompt for the day: What are ways you can feel submissive without a partner? (something like that, I closed the kindle and don't feel like opening it back up).  Truthfully, I am almost never submissive without a partner.  My vibe, career and responsibilities mean that submission doesn't pop up often if I'm not in the presence of someone that provokes it.  With the right sexual partner I'm submissive but it's to achieve a goal not because they make me submissive.  I've met some people whose initial energy provoked a submissive response but upon getting to know more about them, it wasn't that they were not interesting but that I personally wasn't interested because they were not going to be able to give me what I wanted.  So yep no submission without partner.


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So my dumbass who is grieving must also get back on my self-care grind

Friday, January 21, 2022 No comments

I don't want to belabor the point so I won't.  I have lost and gained weight repeatedly over the last few years.  My comfy pants are no longer comfy and that's a pain in the ass.  I bought something to help me work out at home but it was such a cluster to get that I haven't done so since it arrived last week.  This is my last weekend of not tending to my diet and workout.  I'm not going to starve myself but I know how to cook well to take care of me and get this weight under control again.  Plus it should help with my mood, anger and sleep.

Prompt for today: Talk about the ways you're different from your partner.  How did it impact your relationship with them?  I won't cop out and say I'm single.  I'm usually much more reserved than my partners.  By that I mean I don't like being out front and gaining attention from random folks.  I enjoy being in small circles with people I care about or who I share some commonality with but if I'm front and center I dislike it a whole whole lot.  I also tend to worry about things more than they do for the most part.  I think that's mostly from nearly two decades of having to take care of mom with money being there or not randomly.  And I am usually more educated, not smarter necessarily, than my partners as I have several degrees and most of them have finished college at most.  It means that we see life differently, we have different interests usually and we have to learn how to fit together but that challenge makes me engage.  May also be why they ended because we are approaching the why of the relationships differently too.


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in times of loss, i am quiet

Thursday, January 20, 2022 No comments

i don't have a lot of words right now so i'll focus on the prompt: do the people in your life understand you well?  is there something you wish they knew about you that you've kept hidden so far?  conversely, is there anyone who understands you better than you know yourself?  in my current life not really.  i keep a lot close to the vest because unconstrained me is sometimes a hot mess but doesn't want everyone hovering.  and i don't want to talk about kink with my family.  i envy folks that do but that's now how my family gets down so nope.  honestly, the person who knew/knows me best is the dutchman.  he understood how i ticked and what i would respond to much better than i ever did and he made me feel things i wasn't sure even existed.  that didn't mean he knew how to manage my vulnerable/needy side.  that one is a whirling dervish for most folks so can't blame him for that. 


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running running running

Wednesday, January 19, 2022 No comments

Today was just busy.  Nothing out of the ordinary just busy.  Prompt for today is as follows: How do recover from a relationship ending?  Well normally I just retreat from folks for a while and lick my figurative wounds as it were in private.  May take a few months, it's taken as long as a few years and then I tip toe out of my hiding place to see if I'm ready to meet someone new.  If I am then I know I'm done with the grieving and analyzing.  If not, I just take some more time.  But I spend a lot of time thinking and allowing myself to feel things.  Anger, sadness, loneliness and heartbreak.  Then I slide into introspective and usually a bit of joy about what happened that I can embrace and make myself better for the next time.


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Dumbass thy name is red

Tuesday, January 18, 2022 No comments

I gave way too many talks today and now I'm tapped out.  This prompt is not better than yesterday's but I'll give it a shot.

Prompt: Write a letter to someone you've lost, whether they've died or simply drifted away from your life.  What do you have left to tell them?  I won't pick one of you because there are several of you that I miss for lots of reasons.  The most important thing I miss about each of you was your ability to make me smile.  Whether it was sharing music, movies, books, dinner or a quiet moment the time I had with you was not something I expected to be without right now.  When I am tired, like now, or upset like this weekend, I miss the silly things I could depend on you to bring me out of my funk or help me relax and get ready for the next day.  I miss being able to talk to you about everything and nothing.  It's hard knowing we won't talk again but I'm so grateful that you were with me while you were.


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Holiday ish

Monday, January 17, 2022 No comments

MLK Day is always conflictual for me.  I appreciate the alleged day off but not the MLK Day quotes from people that are aggressively eroding his legacy.  

Prompt: Write a letter to someone that has always been there for you.  I don't know that I can do this one.  There's no one that is always there for me.  Everyone I know is busy with something or other so some are there more often than most but no one is always there.  Not even the woman that lives here, momentarily understands that she has stressed me out and then goes back to being a right pain in the ass.  If my brain ever thinks of someone I'll revisit this one.


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It's been a low key day

Sunday, January 16, 2022 No comments

After either going to bed to or waking up to news that Novak is out of the Aussie Open, the final nail in the do I give a fuck about the first major of the year was hammered into place.  Venus and Serena are at home.  Even though he bugs me, so is Roger.  The potential Novak Nadal replay was the only really interesting storyline in play and it's gone.  And don't get me wrong, I really wish he'd just get vaccinated with one of the vaccines that everyone knows to be safe and effective.  But in lieu of him doing that this whole Aussie Open exemption but wait we didn't really mean it thing was nonsense.  Especially as we learned that other players and team members were already in Australia under similar exemptions.  Ahh well.  I will root for Monfils and his wife who both won today along with Sakkari and Frances and maybe Felix.  Madison has to make it out of the first round and I don't care who wins between Sloane and Emma.  Ideally both could lose but that won't happen.  And oh Leylah is playing so I guess she gets some love too.  But in general I won't be up late watching the matches. 

Prompt for the day is: How does your Dominant discipline you?  Well single so he doesn't now but in general I stay out of trouble so I can't recall getting disciplined often if at all.  And if so the things they would do I would like so that's not a terribly effective punishment.  Maybe I should work on that with the next partner.


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i'm ridiculously tired of adulting

Saturday, January 15, 2022 No comments

i logically know that things will be okay, even if it's a struggle things will be okay.  i'm working on things with the new house that aren't right and are frustrating my mother as a result.  that means i get frustrated as well.  we've had a few come to Jesus moments as of late and that is also frustrating and exhausting.  what i really want is curl up in my dominant's lap while they stroke my hair and tell me to open wide.  like my eyes just legit hit a flutter after thinking i might be inhaling a dick while my partner plays in my hair.  i miss inhaling dick.  i miss people playing in my hair.  and i miss people getting tired of both of those things, shoving me face down and fucking me into a stupor while they fill me up or cover my body in their fluids.  i miss falling asleep half sticky and being woken up again by a dick in one of my orifices.  i miss being teased and tormented and talking and doing nothing.  i miss being touched by someone i care about and who i want to make happy.  i miss my old doms (a few anyway, especially the one that broke my brain) and that NRE.  i miss the feeling of a hand stroking up my spine and wax dripping all over my body and fire play and the sweet agony of nipple clamps being tugged on and tightened.  i miss screaming into a pillow or biting a shoulder or being on the verge of waking the neighbors.  i miss being claimed.  i miss so fucking much but i don't miss being an adult at all.  paying bills, cooking dinner, doing the shopping and not cumming are fucking annoying.


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My sense of right and wrong is under assault constantly

Friday, January 14, 2022 No comments

I'm not as bad as my mother but if I reach out to you with a question of a pressing nature I expect you to respond within a few hours even if it's to say I don't know but will get back to you as soon as we can.  Or if you tell me that you will do ABC don't surprise me by skipping a letter or in this case going all the way to the end of the alphabet ignoring everything you said you'd do prior to that.  That just pisses me off and makes me want to hit you which is a problem because hitting people randomly is apparently a bad thing.  Especially since the people you want to hit are RARELY the folks who created the issue in the first place.  They are low man on the totem pole usually and lashing out at them won't do a bit of good.  It won't even make you feel better because attacking folks that are just trying to do their jobs never feels good in the long run.  On a positive note, I've returned a bunch of shit this week because it didn't work the way we hoped and got literally no push back.  Now if someone would just pick up this phone call before the office closes and I will be able to relax at least for tonight.


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I'm tired as hell

Thursday, January 13, 2022 No comments

I'm not sure why I refuse to take care of myself the way I encourage everyone else to take care of themselves but I'm going to try to go to sleep very soon so I can get up do a presentation, talk to some people I don't want to talk to, maybe refuse delivery on something else and then pass the absolute fuck out because as I mentioned earlier I am not taking care of myself and I am tired.

Prompt for today: Have you ever looked through a Dominant's bag and thought something was unsafe to be used as a toy?  What did you do?  I don't think I've ever looked through their bags.  They tend to unpack things in front of me so I haven't needed to go digging.  At that point, I don't think I've seen anything that made me go woah that's unsafe.  It's all be pretty standard, rope, cuffs, gags, riding crops, paddles or nipple clamps. 


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No humps on hump day

Wednesday, January 12, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Name three people you admire.  Do they know you admire them?  How did they change your life?  This is a weird question because I admire people yes but the ones that changed my life are mostly deceased.  I admire my father and mother (for entirely different reasons and I want get into it all right here) because they both encouraged me to pursue my dreams and be confident in who I was no matter what else anyone thought about me.  Haven't always been able to accomplish that but when I could it was because they believed I could.  Dad is gone now.  I admire/d Prince because he was just a stellar human being and even when he seemed weird the truth was we were just not caught up to him yet.  I am sure I wrote a sappy fan letter at one point that I hope someone shared with him.  And I admire my mentor from school.  She's amazing and has helped me back up my belief in myself with knowledge and experiences.  I'm sure she knows.  I'm her biggest fan.


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It's Tuesday and I wish I could refuse day

Tuesday, January 11, 2022 No comments

I am stupid lol.  I have either scheduled or agreed to speak four times between now and this time next week on things that are in addition to my normal workload.  Looks great for the annual report but sister will be tired.  I'm tired now but at least tomorrow I don't have a stacked calendar.  Let me get to the prompt and I may come back to babbling.

Prompt for today: Is trust in your Dominant a necessity for your submission?  I'd have to give a hard and quick yes but it's more than trust because in general I afford you a level of trust until you prove you aren't worthy of it.  But once you have it and if you have it deeply enough I'd walk through fire over broken glass for you.  As I'm sitting and processing my last dynamics, I trusted Mr. Wolf in a different way than I did the Dutchman.  Mr. Wolf would protect me, care about me, and molest me as we explored his growing understanding of his Dominance.  The problem I think for me was the places I wanted to go in submission I couldn't go with him because didn't evoke the sense of calm and peace I needed to trust myself to do the deep dive because I wasn't sure he could bring me back.  The Dutchman maybe didn't deserve the level of trust I had in him but as he has engaged my control panel I did in an almost absolutely childlike way.  He could have told me almost anything, and maybe did at some point, and I would have believed him.  The only bridge he couldn't get me to cross was a hard hard limit for me.  And he didn't push that even as he toyed with other things from dropping me in a window in the Red Light District to an adult theater gang bang to pumping me full of cum before I took a 10 hour flight home.  None of these things turned me off or made me go meh maybe you aren't my Dom.  Instead the stoke the very slutty part of my brain and made me desperate to please him. 


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It's Monday, my I have lots of work and no fun day

Monday, January 10, 2022 No comments

Ok I can't say no fun but fun is definitely limited on Mondays.  I'm too tired to get into all of that today BUT here's the prompt: Are you allowed to show your lust for your partner?  How do you approach your partner when you want sex?  Showing my lust for my partner was not only allowed but highly encouraged.  It really depended on the partner how I approached them.  With one I'd let my little side show, she giggled a lot and said naughty things to him.  He took the hint and would fuck me silly.  With another I'd ask him to rub something.  It would let me relax and I'd be ready for whatever.  With another, he just knew whatever was happening with me when he walked in the room so I never had to ask.  I'd kneel, wait for him to give me a command and then be in whatever position he wanted me as he made me blissful.  That's never been an issue for me and those I served.


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Two for the Road

Sunday, January 09, 2022 No comments

Prompt for Saturday: If you aren't currently involved in a power exchange dynamic, how do you see it developing in your life?  If you are currently involved in a dynamic, how did you incorporate the new responsibilities int your existing life ones?  So I'm not sure about how it will develop in my life.  I stay busy.  I have little room to be in a position to meet anyone let alone get over my normal weirdness to be claimed.  I would like it to though.  I miss being with someone in that way.  I miss dominance in my life and the ways in which I found support in it.  I hope that as the pandemic ends--whenever the hell that is--that I can take some time for myself again and go find some time to at least scene again if nothing else.

Prompt for Sunday: Is there something (a type of play, an act of service, a rule, or requirement) that you don't enjoy but submit to anyway?  I'm gonna say no.  If I really don't enjoy I won't do it without speaking to my Dominant to see if we can change it up in some way.  When I was with the Dutchman he asked me to do something that I was not down with but was curious about.  It took me way longer than I care to admit to finally do it and do it in a way that I could tolerate mentally.  This was my introduction to water sports lol.  Once I did it I could see the appeal of it but it took much longer for me to actually enjoy it.  I also wasn't totally cool with my Dominant partners making me orgasm from oral sex.  It didn't feel terribly submissive in my brain.  A lengthy conversation and session with Mr. Wolf and the Dutchman (conversation) made it more about me being a vessel for them to enjoy themselves than about whether or not I was getting off as well.  I would but yeah that wasn't the point lol.  Other than that I've negotiated tweaks to things so that I could do them more willingly. But as I recognized a few days ago, week maybe, the biggest difference was in the ways in which I was submitting to various partners made things different in terms of my behavior.  Being snatched into submission versus walking there when I wanted to is a different experience.


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Not at all journal related

I'll write the journal stuff later today.  I'm up and my brain in churning so I wanted to get things out so I can go to bed.  I like gaming.  I like reading.  I really like games that let me read any choose at least some of the behavior of my characters.  Bad writing makes me itch but I can suspend reality if I invest in the folks involved. Tonight I was rereading a book in one of those games and recognized some BDSM aspects in play that I liked but that other folks are like boo that sucks.  There's was some domination and submission in play.  Even a shot at ethical non monogamy.  I skipped that because of how the characters developed for me but whatever it was there.  These folks have come up with a just straight BDSM story and I have been pleasantly surprised that while it's not entirely realistic in how this couple decided to explore kink, the ways in which they are exploring kink don't make me itch.  If anything I was noticing things that I'd have liked in past dynamics and might like in a future partner.  Of course the dominant partner is independently wealthy and likes to make sure the new submissive is comfortable and safe so he gives her one of his homes as she deals with a life event. Someone else covering the bills would be fucking amazing but not really what I need.  What I've been responding to is 1) the implied experience that the dominant partner has, 2) the borderline cockiness that he exudes even though he's struggling to maintain his composure with the new submissive, 3) that he's not even pretending like he's not having sexual responses or urges provoked by the new submissive and 4) that he's guiding her slowly into an exploration of BDSM that is intriguing for both of them.  It made me wistful for a bit.  I'd love to be trained in that way.  Ahh well.


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No cute or quirky title

Friday, January 07, 2022 No comments

Prompt for Thursday: Are you allowed to express your own opinion if it differs from that of your Dominant?  Yes of course I am.  There is no good way to exist if you are not entitled to your own feelings.  That doesn't mean that they will change their minds or that they are going to cuddle me until we agree but not sharing what I think seems like a poor way to manage a relationship.

Prompt for Friday: What do you do when your Dominant hurts your feelings? Depends on what they did but usually get quiet, cry and/or fold in on myself for a while.  I need to process my emotions and sort out what it is that I'm feeling and if I want to address it with them at all but definitely when I want to address it.


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Twas the night before violence

Wednesday, January 05, 2022 No comments

We are still in a pandemic.  Novak is probably not playing the Aussie Open and that's complicated, or not, as fuck.  And a year after a group of "disenfranchised" Americans stormed the capitol to prevent the symbolic transition of power from one administration to another, there are still people swearing they did nothing wrong and that they were only defending their rights.  Some of those folks are going to jail or are in jail right now.  Some of those folks escaped with probation.  Still others are surprised that they are even in the firing line to be punished.  I'm not sure what they thought would happen.  These are the same folks that told BLM protestors that if they weren't out doing anything illegal or destroying property they wouldn't get in trouble.  Apparently that was only meant to flow one direction.  There's talk that they may meet up around the country to relive their destructive glory and I'm hoping not.  Watching the long walk towards culpability would drive me batty. 

Prompt for today: Think about a relationship you need to improve in your life.  What went wrong, and what can you do to fix it?  This sort of feels like a setup but I'll bite lol.  The relationship with my mother isn't toxic but it's not always healthy.  We get on each others' nerves a fair bit and short of ignoring all of the things she forgets, gets mad at me for or is just wrong about entirely there's not a good way to fix it.  My mother still interacts with me like I'm a toddler sometimes instead of a grown woman that has a life to live.  I still interact with her like she is as capable as she used to be so maybe I'm in denial a bit there.  I don't want us to fight and argue but I also don't want to deal with needing to be on all of the time at work and home.  That's part of what makes me miss a Dominant partner.  They make me recenter, take care of myself or remind me that it's not worth it regularly.  Ah well.


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Oops I skipped it again

Tuesday, January 04, 2022 No comments

Sunday was our first trip back over to the house to collect needed things and to dump the trash before pickup.  Talked to a few folks that may want to buy it since I only want what is owed on the house and closing costs.  Got a few more things that we needed set up in the house and a call to the cable company because I am straight confused on how to use the box with the setup.  So yeah I'm tired and forgot about the prompt for the day.


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New Year 2022: Hope It's a Good One

Saturday, January 01, 2022 No comments

It's been a lazy day because exhausted.  There were not a plethora of Happy New Year texts which I appreciated because I kinda hate texting.  We ordered breakfast cause exhausted.  Noticed a leak that we called and reported and they followed up on relatively quickly so we'll see how that goes on Monday.  I moved meetings around and responded to work email that I'd been ignoring for the last week and a half.  Checked in on a friend and found out they had COVID.  Kinda want to send them a gift but need their address.  I'm tired but happy.  Single and tired and happy.

What do you want to ask your fellow submissives? I'm not sure that anyone that is submissive ever still reads this but I think I'd like to know what keeps you going when this all feels pointless.  When the relationship ends, you're single for a while, you recognize your life is incompatible with what you really want whatever the case is in that regard, how do you get up and say this was a stumbling point but I am inherently submissive and I need to be with a Dominant partner in order to be fulfilled. 


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