we had magic and this is tragic

Monday, February 28, 2022 No comments

sorry didn't have a good title and that song is playing right now.  i've been listening to music for the last few hours.  having to play my own dj while i process is intriguing.  i think i know where i'm going and then something flips the mood and i'm off in another direction.   i've been through stephanie mills, jill scott, phil collins, switch, bobby caldwell and billy vera to name a few.  on to christina aguilera after a bit of tamia and chante moore.  songs have literally nothing to do with each other but they are giving me a vibe.  oh had some big luther and levert in there too oh and the o'jays and whitney houston.  i'm normally tired on monday nights because of work and i did something stupid so that was a thing too.  at least it feels stupid. 

prompt for today: what are your main coping mechanisms?  are they serving you well?  i legit laughed when i saw this.  in the non kinky world eating, sleeping and drinking are my main coping mechanisms when i'm single.  hard, ridiculously hard, sex is when i'm not single. when i'm in a dynamic, sex will work but a good scene will break down whatever is going on in my head.  but i haven't been in one of those in a minute so it's all good.  nothing is working right now.  i'm a mess.  let me not say that the music is helping because when i listen to music my mind is floating on the drums and instrumental.  good lyrics will help and you would swear i was a dancer by my sitting movements.  i definitely am not but i can ride a dick like a ballerina when the right song hits.  ask GN what happened the first time he let me ride him when the second version of The Ride by Prince came on.  we've slipped into sam smith from maroon 5.  when i was taking drum lessons, we figured out that sam's drums seem to be drum kits a lot which is why it's hard to replicate them some times.  maroon 5 i found my groove in though.  i need to set up my drum kit actually.  that may help me relax too.


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Insecure is not just a tv show

Sunday, February 27, 2022 No comments

Yesterday I came back to edit my post to ask if I was missing my ex or missing submitting.  I mentioned that to GN and he thought it was more the submission aspects.  I'm highly stressed and being without someone that calms me is annoying as shit.  I don't want to have to be in control of everything all the time.  Like I really don't enjoy it.  I was watching Rick and Morty last night and was a little jealous that the Citadel found Beth and Jerry in every timeline and conspired to get them together.  I'd greatly enjoy someone finding me my boo in every version of reality that I exist in.  That way I don't have to stumble along like a blind hairless monkey hoping for the best.  Anyway, the more I think about it, I don't think it's an either-or situation here.  I think it's a bit of both.  I enjoy/enjoyed him a great deal.  I also enjoyed how deeply he pushed me into my submissive self.  I miss both of those things and I'm nervous that I won't get to slip that far with anyone else again.

Prompt for today: What makes you insecure? How do you handle insecurity in the context of your relationship? Outside the relationship? How Does your Dominant handle it?  Not sure how long this response will be but buckle up here.  Lots of shit makes me insecure.  Mostly feeling like I'm failing in some regard but I hate it.  I get angry, anxious, and want to eat too much and drink too much until I get sad.  Once I get sad I can relax enough to figure out what to do but it takes a while to get to that point plus angry crying is some bullshit just so we're clear.  In a relationship, I get snippy and needy which is not appealing on any level and ends up causing miscommunication and frustration.  Outside a relationship, it's the things I mentioned already and really taking care of mom is what makes me the most insecure.  I can do work half asleep.  My Dominant partners haven't routinely handled that well but through no fault of their own.  I'm pretty chill and easy to deal with in a D/s relationship until I get insecure.  Once that shit descends I probably feel a little Jekyl and Hyde because I can never say clearly that I just need to be reassured right now can you do that for me.  Instead, I look insane because I'm asking for attention or ignoring them.  Eventually I'll end up crying and then I may eek out that I was having a moment that could have just been prevented had I fessed up immediately.  That is not my style clearly.  I should work on that.


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Two for Today

Saturday, February 26, 2022 No comments

stiched heart

 

Prompt for yesterday: What are you struggling with right now? Lots of things and nothing simultaneously. I'm on deadlines with a few things and have resolved a few others.  That perpetual stress is not new or even terribly frustrating if I'm being honest.  That is my life.  I sort of discussed it with a friend yesterday and realizing that I likely need a partner who is as busy or busier than I am so that when we both come up for air it's hang out time and we can bask in each other.  I struggle with that idea because shit I am ridiculously busy more often than not and my free time is limited as fuck.  And unfortunately for me, when I'm free my partner has historically been pissed I was tied up for so long or unable to luxuriate in us for a few days.  I know all those things so it's not a full on struggle.  It is just there.  And permanently putting away my feelings for a former partner ebbs and flows.  I'm in an ache phase right now.  Not sure what to do with that but acknowledge that it doesn't feel good and it won't because there was never a resolution.  Okay that's bullshit.  Resolution is it's over.  There was never a goodbye.  An angry, tepid, sad, happy, whatever goodbye never happened.  I kind of ran away because I wasn't sure what there was left to do and now I'm trying to put away whatever that means again.  I want them to be happy.  And I don't think I make them happy or not happy enough to keep trying to figure this out.  But the what could have been dancing around my head tonight and while I don't like it, I accept it.  That achy dance is not there constantly and I will have more days that don't contain painful choreography than that will.  It's just a bad time.  And I think I just realized something else five seconds after hitting publish.  I miss serving someone.  I miss having someone have some level of dominion over me.  Part of my ache for things gone is because even though I don't think they wanted that level of my surrender, is they were the last person that made me feel completely owned and I want that.  In a time where my life is still perpetually chaotic, serving and submitting gives me a place and space to calm myself and direct my energy into another thing that I don't have to control.  I miss that probably more than I realized until just now.

Prompt for today: When you hesitate to write something, what reminder can you give yourself to be as completely honest as you can, both factually and emotionally?  So I don't hesitate often and if I do it's to spare someone's feelings or to not invite weirdness into a space that needs no weirdness.  I try to be mindful of what I write here and elsewhere because I don't want to injure anyone on purpose.  I can write something privately if I need to vent because I can still get it out without damaging anyone.  I know how easily we can be bruised by careless or reckless words.  Otherwise, I say what I need to as directly as I can because I like being clear and don't want to leave room for interpretation.


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the world is big wonderful and scary

Thursday, February 24, 2022 No comments

i'll get to the prompts in a second.  i know i missed one yesterday but i really just forgot about it.  i went to bed after hearing the news that russia opted to be asshats and that the rest of the world had little resources to help defend the target of russian aggression.  let me restate that, they have resources but for lots of reasons they won't be intervening directly if they don't have to.  between that, the random court hearings, state legislatures just being domestic asshats, and universities using their faculty as human crash test dummies, i am just exhausted.

prompt for yesterday: what song or lyric reminds you of your relationship?  depends on the day and how i'm feeling but lots of songs remind me of my former dynamics.  off my mind by zhane. sucka for pain by a bunch of folks.  a variety of songs about saying good bye, always loving someone, enjoying the pain they inflict on you in however you want to interpret that.

prompt for today: what name or title do you have for your Dominant?  i'm not that fancy when i'm in a relationship, Sir or Daddy are my typical responses unless they request something else.


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In a good mood

Tuesday, February 22, 2022 No comments

Y'all I'm living my best life today so I'm just going to answer a paraphrased version of the prompt: Am I allowed to give gifts to my Dominant partner?  Do I have my own money or do I have to ask for it?  I have always made more money than my Dominant partners so asking them for money would seem odd at best and problematic at worst.  I give gifts when I think about it and for occasions.  I never feel obligated to give them either. 


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So the Mirror freaked me out tonight

Monday, February 21, 2022 No comments

I got a Mirror at the begging of January so I could work out at home instead of trying to venture back into germ infested gyms.  I love the vibe of Planet Fitness when we don't have walking variant factories but girl ain't been in regularly since the start of the pandemic.  Anyway, I haven't really had the energy or motivation to use it as I keep trying to figure out this house, life, dating and what have you.  Upside it stays off and not using the wifi or electricity if you aren't connected to it.  Downside, apparently when that hoe needs and update it ignores the upside shit and pops on like bitch update me.  So I did because I wanted it to turn back off lol.  While it was doing that though I thought it would be nice to do a short class to see if I liked it.  Did 15 minutes of restorative yoga with a Black instructor who damn near had my ass knocked out by the time we were done.  LOVE IT.  Gonna do that as much as possible--different classes but liked her vibe.  I'll add in the cardio and weights soon too.  Thanks Mirror for terrifying me.  Okay off to the prompt for the day.

Prompt: Do you ever find yourself comparing yourself to others or attempting to live up to a mythical ideal?  Short answer fuck naw.  My ass is tired.  I can't be anyone else but me. I can't magically be thinner, with different hair, with more stamina, or bruise easily.  I'm a short chocolate drop who is working on getting healthier and who will damn near never bruise.  But I'm happy and that's all that matters.


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It's Sunday, I've been randomly productive

Sunday, February 20, 2022 No comments

This may be more about life today than the Submissive Guide exercise so if that's what you are looking for then you might be disappointed.  That prompt doesn't allow me much room to respond given the state of things right now.  Okay let me get back into it.  I got a bit distracted by random shit on the internet.  So I am tired.  I've been saying that for days but I am like literally exhausted.  I've been working more, called into more meetings, working with more people, working on more projects and having to call out more BS in the last six months than normal.  Where I am now is mentally tapped out.  I need a vacation.  I need someone to cook for me.  I need to be fucked into a stupor and then woken up with a dick poking some orifice in my body.  I would like to do that with a regular romantic partner but at this point maybe it's time for Hoe Phase 2.0 because trying to belong to someone is also fucking exhausting.  I started this blog a billion years ago because I was trying to belong to someone in particular and feeling like a failure because I was falling short.  Some of you have hung around through four more relationships in which you saw my elation at finding someone only to see it fizzle as things just didn't work out again and again.  That was also exhausting.  You watched me struggle through the failures and believe me if it was half as exhausting for you to read as it was for me to experience then I am really fucking sorry.  I'm not sure what finally stopped the leaky emotional fall out last week or so but I am fucking grateful.

I appreciate that people value my knowledge and input.  The extra work is helping to pay for this house.  What it's not doing is allow me to breathe and catch my breath unless I just give up on being productive for that time span.  That's what I was on the verge of doing after a funeral and board meeting yesterday but instead I got up and washed clothes.  I unpacked two suitcases and started putting away clothes.  I cleaned up the random trash that had been accumulating and folded up clothes once they were in the line of sight.  I'm starting to settle into this change and whatever it means for the future but I am so tired.  I want to feel safe enough to go experience the world again but I don't because I don't want to get sick and I don't want to get mom sick even if I'm okay.  I folded up more clothes today and put away some things again.  Finally got my third pillow on the bed.  I'm not nesting but I am adjusting.  Someone messaged me and said that I sounded broken and badly hurt in some of my writings.  I won't disagree with that.  I was for a variety of reasons but the person at fault mostly is me.  I'm most definitely led by my emotions and I say what I need to say in the moment.  It's not always articulate or well thought out but it's honest and raw and that leaves me feeling exposed and vulnerable in ways that I'm not always prepared for.  I can shrug now but really it's a lot of weird emotional turmoil until I realize I'm asking for something that I cannot get from the person I'm asking to give me the thing. They don't always know in that moment and my need for answers isn't going to make them come up with anything of value to me because of how my brain works.  So I'm tired but not broken or not as broken as my words may sometimes hint at in these ramblings.  I'm recovering from my hurt and it won't always be a straight line forward but it's forward.

Prompt for the day: What are some of the more unique ways you do to please your Dominant?  Nothing now because a girl is very single.  Honestly, I can't think of anything really unique.  I used to write smutty stories for them and they seemed to enjoy that especially when they could see our dynamic on display in the words.  All of them enjoyed stuffing things inside of me and me being able to accommodate those things.  The Dutchman really liked non sexual items finding a home inside of me (vegetables or bottles in particular--the eggplant was bomb though) and he is the reason I discovered piss play may be for me because of tasks he gave me to do that triggered my hind brain attachment to him.  Ahh well, that's about it though.


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Tired tired tired and then a little bit more tired

Saturday, February 19, 2022 No comments

Grown up life is a weird constant flex of relaxing and self care and then the fuck am I so tired for shit.  I'm feeling okay outside of tired.  So I won't belabor the point or this post for now.  I may come back and edit or I may get shit faced and go to bed.

Prompt for the day: Has your D/s relationship ever crossed into the realm of abuse or domestic violence?  Not not at all.  Not close.  Never been afraid of anything terribly violent or problematic happening in 99.8 of my dynamics.  That 0.2 percent is more imagined hostility upon breakup than it was anything that may have actually happened.  I'm gonna say may because that was the one ex I hadn't made peace with post break up and we didn't have a ton of folks in common who would told me that he was being an ass.  So yeah nope none of that fear or reality.


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Just made a yuck face at this prompt

Friday, February 18, 2022 No comments

Had a guest today to actually fix one of the thing with the new house. Still waiting on the other 90 little things and the visit from the main office dude. We'll see how that goes.  I had been considering undergoing some hypnosis to move beyond some mental blocks but I'm not sure if I need to do that anymore.  I'm finally, I think, at the resolution stage.  I did what I wanted to do.  It went the way I assumed it would go.  That's it, the end.  I don't have to forget that they were pivotal and crucial to my submissive development.  But I don't have to stay stymied in those emotions indefinitely.  Music has definitely been helping as has writing and acknowledging that this is what I do.  I kind of flail around when it's finally over because I don't want to let go of what made me feel happy and safe even though it's long since stopped doing that.  I think I may have been holding on longer here too because of Mr. Wolf dying suddenly.  That relationship wasn't unresolved for me but it triggered a bit of an emotional tailspin for the other dynamic that in my mind and heart was not fully extinguished.  It is now, that's fine.  Not what I wanted but it is where we are.  And I can't say I wanted it for the best reasons.  I just wanted it to be present and real for me again.  It's not, it won't, and it seems like it's time to move on.  Up for new changes.

Prompt for today: What personal hygiene acts do you perform as service for your Dominant?  If you mean grooming him literally none because why.  Now if we are together and up and about at the same time then I may bathe them when we shower but with the expectation that it will likely be returned and derail the whole point of the shower in the first place.  I may apply lotion or moisturizer if they need it and request it and I'm always down to give a good massage.  But as a general rule no I don't perform any hygiene acts for my Dominant.  In terms of myself, I'll do whatever they ask but usually all that's asked is that I'm pliable and obedient when they arrive.  I will likely do some grooming depending on who it is and what they like but also may not unless it's requested.


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Snow and Ice, sleepy time

Thursday, February 17, 2022 No comments

Prompt for the day: Is there such a thing as a "true" submissive?  If this means there's one way to be viewed as a true submissive then no because we end up in different places and presentations for everything in life and the same is true in submission.  Some can only submit sexually, others only in serious relationships and still others may submit in a million different ways.  I think the right partner can bring out a submissive side of nearly anyone because when we feel safe and nurtured we tend to let our guards down and want to please our partners.  Each of my former partners has brought out a different side of my submission and I enjoy that but my honest submission met the needs of each dynamic.


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Tired, not feeling well, gonna be busy all day

Wednesday, February 16, 2022 No comments

You did not get this last night because while I got home early for me, my mother got clingy as all get out--this is red velvet speak for she wanted to hang out and did much longer than I thought BUT she also rubbed my head until I got sleepy so boom trade off.  As the title says your girl is tired, feeling a little run down and got shit to do all day so here are your prompts for yesterday and today.

Yesterday: Did you know when you entered your relationship that it would be a Dominant/submissive relationship or has it evolved over time from a different dynamic over time?  For the last 20 years every relationship I have entered has been a D/s dynamic.  Once I was introduced to BDSM, I knew that I was not going to be happy in a regular relationship. Not even one with kink overlay from time to time.  I had seen friends and partners not be satisfied and how much stress it put on their relationship to not engage with BDSM and I have had no desire to experience that personally.  Even when I foolishly thought about getting back with a vanilla ex, I ultimately stopped because while he was open to kink he was more submissive than I was/am.  That won't work for me.  I don't even entertain men who appear to be vanilla only after exploring what they want in relationships.  And honestly, they read me incorrectly a lot.  Because of my occupation and pressures they tend to think I don't need them and won't follow their lead.  I'm too independent.  I'm all of those things when I submit but only men who look hard enough and engage me fully see me submit.

Today: Do you test boundaries at time? Why or why not? I do not test boundaries.  I just don't find it engaging or entertaining.  I probably annoy my partners by asking for reassurance more than I should but not a full on let me see how they react if I do this thing that's not quite against the rules but I know they won't like.


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Happy Valentine's Day

Monday, February 14, 2022 No comments

Despite the weird weather, long day and overall weirdness that can be my life most days let me just say that today was a good day.  I grabbed desserts early.  Did my work thing.  Got groceries ordered for pickup tomorrow.  Slept well.  And now I'm eating dessert and minding my business.  

Prompt for today: What is one thing you have taught or are teaching your Dominant?  The one thing I've taught almost everyone is about tennis.  I love tennis and I will get absentmindedly distracted watching an intense match.  What I have come to realize is that makes me an anomaly when it comes to Black women in general so they have to learn about why I might care, then how to score the match, and why we hate the people we hate.  Literally has been one of the most fun things we have done together.  Especially when we make kinky bets on the outcome of certain parts of the matches.


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might be rambling, buckle up

Sunday, February 13, 2022 No comments

I'm going to do the prompt first because it will allow for my random thoughts to come on out after that.  So prompt for the day: How important is it to you that your ethics match theirs (assuming this means Dominant partner)?  I am likely overthinking this question as well.  We tend to learn about people's ethical and moral positions slowly over time.  There are some things we may infer based on early conversations or behaviors but we don't tend to do a total checklist of where we stand on ethical and moral positions. Or let me say that I don't routinely do this.  I read this prompt before I went to bed and I initially thought, maybe flippantly I'll give you that, that this is the privilege of someone that has lots of options in potential partners.  As a Black woman who is really only interested in Black men, my pool is noticeably smaller in all dating realms but even more so in BDSM.  There are a ton of women who find Black men the height of sexual prowess and love the contrasts of their skin in D/s dynamics. And let me not begrudge you that attraction but what I've seen is more Dominants that are older are primarily with partners are color--typically Black women. My age and younger though and it's a hodgepodge or absolute dearth of all Black dynamics.  I have had younger partners, usually no more than a year younger, but in looking at who is available and what they are offering my pickings seem slim.  If I'm able to find someone that I vibe with, that is Black and is offering what I want in a dynamic, I don't spend a ton of time interrogating their ethics.  Now, I have yet to have an ethical or moral disconnect be what ruined a dynamic.  I've learned a lot from those disconnects even if it didn't change my position or theirs.  So yeah that's where I am on that.  See the rest of my randomness after the break.


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burst of snow, sleepy time

Saturday, February 12, 2022 No comments

Fresh locs and tired girl. Bought food twice because someone is a great big old baby and I was too tired to have a lengthy conversation about that tonight.  ETA: I went in and took out the clone a pussy mold.  I need to nail the consistency for the original mold and the position which was ALL off.  But the mold would have look great otherwise and I'm sure someone would have liked to fuck my duplicate pussy.

Prompt for today: If your Dominant discovered his morals in one particular area were different from he initially thought, and they were different from your own, how would you feel?  This question is so weird to me.  I think what it's asking is if my Dominant switched his position on something and then it was out of alignment with what I believed/felt how would I feel.  I've had this happen already.  It wasn't earth shattering.  We just didn't agree on that thing.  He didn't try to impose his will on me and I didn't hold it against him.  Short of harming people who don't want to be harmed I don't know that there's something that morally would be disturbing enough that we would have issues.  I say that primarily because we wouldn't be dating if there were major moral conflicts.  Meh, weird question.


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girl tired as hell

Friday, February 11, 2022 No comments

It's been raining most of the morning and that is never a good setup for me in terms of getting up and out of bed.  I've been up long enough to use the restroom and grab a bit to eat.  Every time I almost fell back asleep, my phone dinged so I was awake ish again.  I may nap until this event I have to attend later and then come home and maybe take down my locs.  I'm getting them done tomorrow and that's always good but like for real if I could just deliver my hair and take a nap, I'd probably do that too.  I'm just tired.  If I didn't know there was literally no way possible that it could be the case, I'd think I was pregnant.  Except I'm not hungry, just sleepy.  That's why I'm doing this post early so I don't forget tonight.  

Prompt for today: Does your Dominant spank you as a part of maintenance even if you have been good?  I almost laughed at this and wondered if the last few months had been a horrible mistake and waste of my time.  Then I realized my dynamics have not had a lot of protocols in them in the way that the writer of the book has had in her dynamic.  To my knowledge she's been with the same Dominant partner for a decade plus.  Whereas I have been floating between partners and trying to find my place in the whole BDSM world.  That's a long way around to say, no I have never been spanked in order to maintain my good behavior.  As I'm normally good, it's not required.  I'd be interested to see how it plays out in a future dynamic but I don't know that it will come up.


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me so tired

Thursday, February 10, 2022 No comments

thought i was about to say horny didn't you?  nope too dam tired for that.

Prompt for today: What would you do with your Dominant's collar if they died while you were in service to them?  I have never had a literal collar so I'm not sure how attached I would be to it but I imagine that had I gotten to that level with someone and they died that it would go into my collection of things that are very dear to me.  Probably tucked away in a drawer so that it didn't make me cry.  I'm a crier if I think about someone too much so seeing that reminder would be too much.  I'm also someone who gets tattoos so I may get an ink memory as well.


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It's just effing Wednesday

Wednesday, February 09, 2022 No comments

OMG y'all, I was driving home a minute ago and he said happy humpday on the radio I was MAD.  Not just tired and frustrating but MAD.  It is just fucking Wednesday.  How dare we have two more days to work this week.  Fuck fuck fuck.  I'm so tired.  We're all tired.  My coworkers are looking like why the hell are we in the office?  We don't want to be in the office.  We don't necessarily want to be at home.  Really I'd rather be sipping cocktails on vacation right now but I'm at work on a webinar because that's where I am.  FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

Prompt for the day: How do you greet your Dominant upon their arrival?  These are interesting questions.  I never had a formal greeting upon arrival.  When I lived with GN, I came home after him so it was a hey, kiss and what do we need to do.  Mr. Wolf and I would just connect with a hug.  Maybe there was more of a command when I saw the Dutchman but it's because that's what he requested.  I was light on protocols clearly.  I'm not adverse to that kind of behavior it just hasn't happened yet.


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Quick Update

Tuesday, February 08, 2022 No comments

Work was work, people were taken care of, I managed to do almost everything I needed, answered emails, got Thai on the way home, I tossed and turned all night which was frustrating but it is what it is.  

Prompt for today: Can one be partially owned?  I literally have no idea how to answer this.  Unless it means owned by two different people I don't have a clue.  So I guess the answer is it depends.  This feels like a wasted prompt.


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Still sore, still sleepy, still feeling the emotions and stuff

Monday, February 07, 2022 No comments

Can I just say I'm tired and really in need of a nap.  I'm glad I finished my running around today because there's a ton of busy work the rest of the week and fresh hair do on Saturday provided the weather holds. Okay I'm out of words, sleepy time.

Prompt for today: How do you ask for forgiveness from your Dominant?  This rarely came up if I'm being honest but typically I'd say that I was wrong, I was sorry and I hope that they would forgive me.  There was no reason to make a big production of it and I didn't want to be a jackass either so I would just be honest and hope for the best.  It took the stress out of most of it if I did it soon after I figured out I was messing things up.  Most of my apologies were about my insecurity flaring up if I'm being honest though.


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Recap Post: Week 16

Sunday, February 06, 2022 No comments


 

So four months in and we have already run the gamut of emotions.  I have a clearer idea of what I want and who I am but I don't think I'm experiencing what I thought I would.  That's not to say it's bad.  It's just not what I was thinking about when I started.  I was hoping at this point my waffling and second guessing would have ended and I'd be emotionally purged of the residual relationships.  I'm not.  I'm better.  I'm making peace with the lack of opportunity but it's not out of my system yet.  I think that's what I was hoping for really.  To wake up and not miss someone.  To go to sleep and not wish to curl up with someone in particular.  Talking through the past relationships is good but it isn't removing the want as fast as I would like.  Okay it's bedtime for me.  I can't say much more without sounding borderline insane.  Continuing to want and miss someone that has made literally no attempt to connect to you in months, and had continued that pattern before that is just fucking stupid.  I'm just fucking stupid.  I'm quiet a lot because it's less hurtful than when I ask for what I want and literally none of that happens romantically.  I can't say none of that happens in general because some things are going better than I would hope but yeah not who I can serve or submit to.  In that regard, I'm holding down the single with no prospects side of the scene.  I'm okay with that some days but not right now.  Just want to know it will get better.


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Sunday Soreness, Deep Sleep and Cute Kids

I really do need to get back to working out.  My body was unhappy with me and the partial plow job I did yesterday.  I slept hard as shit but when I woke up there were random aches and pains that under other circumstances would have made me smile like a big old happy fat baby.  As I was lounging, the cutest tiny human asked to plow the rest of the driveway for free.  I get this offer like once a year usually so yes I'll take your free services but like normal I'm gonna tip so we did round up ten bucks to give her.  Our neighbor helped her at some point and she was real tired when she was done.  Driveway is clear, snow blower is delayed so need to find another option than my bad labor and the kindness of strangers/neighbors.  I kept dreaming that I was finishing up college or the dorm I was living in was shutting down and that my younger brother was there.  We were both trying to figure out how not to move back in with mom which wasn't working as well as we would have hoped.  We also suddenly had a younger sister who thought we were being mean to mom and yeah that conversation wasn't going over well.  Eventually, I heard my mom's ringtone on my phone and we were all like nope not getting that.  Seemed like a weird detail to remember from the dream until I realized she had actually called me and in my exhaustion I just refused to roll over for that one.  Woo I clearly needed that sleep.  And in other news, I am trying to be open to the universe but it is being surprisingly quiet right now lol.  Ahh well.  Read the prompt for today after the break.


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Post it Up: No More Snow--Still Cold as Shit

Saturday, February 05, 2022 No comments

I thought I had posted last night before bed but apparently I did not.  Digging out of the snow is exhausting.  I'll finish that tomorrow.  I had presentations to give the last two days and a sorority meeting and cooked so I'm good and tired.  I did try the clone a pussy kit but I'm pretty sure it's a fucking train wreck so that is gonna need to be redone or done with help.  I have more randomness to share but I'll do that after the prompts.


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So yeah maybe I was premature

Thursday, February 03, 2022 No comments

Work is cancelled for tomorrow so my bedtime has now become relative.  I have a meeting at noon but hoping that it's getting cancelled as well.  The snow started coming in around lunch time and kept on going.  We are expecting snow all day tomorrow or Thursday/today whatever.  We'll see what happens on Friday but unless the snow plows are miracle workers I'm guessing I'll be home.  I have presentations to give that day but they were already scheduled to be remote so nothing will be different there.  

I gave/sent whatever a message to someone that I needed to vent to.  They have not responded still so I'm not even sure they read it.  However, I did mention that I'd be okay if they did not respond and I am okay now that I think about it.  I can miss them and still keep doing my normal day to day stuff.  And I can miss them while also understanding I need to make space for whatever and whomever is coming next.  Doesn't mean I wouldn't love to be able to hang out and catch up.  It does mean that I can't wait for that to the exclusion of all other things.  Someone will materialize or they won't.  I'm not even sure what it is I'm looking for other than a feeling and honestly most folks don't make it deep enough in the conversation to establish that they may evoke that feeling.  Ahh well.


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So far Snomageddon is a Bust

Wednesday, February 02, 2022 No comments

We were supposed to wake up to about six inches of snow and so far it's just rainy and cold.  I'm debating going out to put down some heat melt on the driveway but my motivation is gone.  Work shut down access to the buildings so I'm home anyway.  Aww well, we'll see how it goes later today.

Prompt for the day: Do you ever view service to be an "invisible convenience" to your Dominant?  That has literally never crossed my mind and I find it a weird question to start with.  Service is part of the gig if your Dominant wants a fully formed relationship.  It may be harder to pull off depending on your specific dynamic and situation but it's never not appreciated.  At least for me it has always been acknowledged and appreciated.  I don't know that I could be in a dynamic in which it wasn't.  I may not do a ton of it again because of the nature of our dynamic but doing it made me feel well of service to my Dominant partner and I enjoyed it.


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It's the 1st of the Month, tis bill paying date

Tuesday, February 01, 2022 No comments

So yeah title is as it is.  I hate paying bills so damn much.  It's necessary, I get it but woosah.  Let me get back to you in a minute. Okay, I ate a bit, took my medicine and am now relaxing so I can respond to the prompt.

Prompt for today: How open are you to others about the lifestyle choices you make?  Have you told any of your family members? What were their responses?  Not very at all.  I have told one or two friends who also happen to be kinky.  I don't know that I'd tell a family member just because there aren't a ton of us and I don't want to make things awkward for us when we get together.  That probably sounds crazy if you know my family but my immediate family is small and that's just not shit we would share with one another readily.  So they haven't reacted in any particular way because they don't know anything.


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