It's Sunday, I've been randomly productive

Sunday, February 20, 2022

This may be more about life today than the Submissive Guide exercise so if that's what you are looking for then you might be disappointed.  That prompt doesn't allow me much room to respond given the state of things right now.  Okay let me get back into it.  I got a bit distracted by random shit on the internet.  So I am tired.  I've been saying that for days but I am like literally exhausted.  I've been working more, called into more meetings, working with more people, working on more projects and having to call out more BS in the last six months than normal.  Where I am now is mentally tapped out.  I need a vacation.  I need someone to cook for me.  I need to be fucked into a stupor and then woken up with a dick poking some orifice in my body.  I would like to do that with a regular romantic partner but at this point maybe it's time for Hoe Phase 2.0 because trying to belong to someone is also fucking exhausting.  I started this blog a billion years ago because I was trying to belong to someone in particular and feeling like a failure because I was falling short.  Some of you have hung around through four more relationships in which you saw my elation at finding someone only to see it fizzle as things just didn't work out again and again.  That was also exhausting.  You watched me struggle through the failures and believe me if it was half as exhausting for you to read as it was for me to experience then I am really fucking sorry.  I'm not sure what finally stopped the leaky emotional fall out last week or so but I am fucking grateful.

I appreciate that people value my knowledge and input.  The extra work is helping to pay for this house.  What it's not doing is allow me to breathe and catch my breath unless I just give up on being productive for that time span.  That's what I was on the verge of doing after a funeral and board meeting yesterday but instead I got up and washed clothes.  I unpacked two suitcases and started putting away clothes.  I cleaned up the random trash that had been accumulating and folded up clothes once they were in the line of sight.  I'm starting to settle into this change and whatever it means for the future but I am so tired.  I want to feel safe enough to go experience the world again but I don't because I don't want to get sick and I don't want to get mom sick even if I'm okay.  I folded up more clothes today and put away some things again.  Finally got my third pillow on the bed.  I'm not nesting but I am adjusting.  Someone messaged me and said that I sounded broken and badly hurt in some of my writings.  I won't disagree with that.  I was for a variety of reasons but the person at fault mostly is me.  I'm most definitely led by my emotions and I say what I need to say in the moment.  It's not always articulate or well thought out but it's honest and raw and that leaves me feeling exposed and vulnerable in ways that I'm not always prepared for.  I can shrug now but really it's a lot of weird emotional turmoil until I realize I'm asking for something that I cannot get from the person I'm asking to give me the thing. They don't always know in that moment and my need for answers isn't going to make them come up with anything of value to me because of how my brain works.  So I'm tired but not broken or not as broken as my words may sometimes hint at in these ramblings.  I'm recovering from my hurt and it won't always be a straight line forward but it's forward.

Prompt for the day: What are some of the more unique ways you do to please your Dominant?  Nothing now because a girl is very single.  Honestly, I can't think of anything really unique.  I used to write smutty stories for them and they seemed to enjoy that especially when they could see our dynamic on display in the words.  All of them enjoyed stuffing things inside of me and me being able to accommodate those things.  The Dutchman really liked non sexual items finding a home inside of me (vegetables or bottles in particular--the eggplant was bomb though) and he is the reason I discovered piss play may be for me because of tasks he gave me to do that triggered my hind brain attachment to him.  Ahh well, that's about it though.


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