Rebooting because that's what I do

Thursday, March 31, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: How did you discover your triggers? Did you have obvious things in your life or past that made you aware of possible triggers?

So I may not have a good answer to any of this.  I don't have triggers in the sense that if X happens Y will occur.  What I have is adjustment or not to patterns.  I am anxious sometimes about communication changes or insecurity but I can't tell you there's an X for those things.  Being a dark skinned woman who is not a size two with long flowing hair then I certainly was made to feel some kind of way.  Once someone gets me comfortable, I'm a great big happy baby.  But I'm slow to get comfy with most people because people lie and because I'm a pile of mush when I'm a great big happy baby.

Beyond that I'm gonna work on a vision board now that two things I needed to get through are done.  I'm opting to say what I need in a new way that neither infringes on anyone's good time or stymies me.  I'm happy.  Let me go check on dinner.


deny, deny, deny

Wednesday, March 30, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: How would you handle being outed in the vanilla world? Depends on who it was and the scenario but more than likely lie my ass off--I'm good at that when I need to be.  If it was someone I thought I could trust I'd be as transparent as felt comfortable.


who found out glass dildos rock today?

Tuesday, March 29, 2022 No comments

Yeah that's right, I did.  I may get back to it later but prompt up first.

Prompt for today: Reflect on a time you chose to submit when it was difficult. The only thing that really comes to mind is when GN made me stop driving because it was causing me more stress.  He was right but I didn't enjoy it and as soon as I was feeling better I took the wheel again.  I don't enjoy letting control slip away in the vanilla world so depending on him to handle things was yucky but I needed it. 

I woke up this morning semi dripping.  Instead of just getting in the shower and hoping it was all good, I grabbed the package of sex toys that have been waiting to be used and grabbed the larger glass dildo.  The fact that there was literally no give in it meant I was impaled quickly, grabbed my magic wand to buzz me on over the edge and came good and hard before my morning shower.  Couldn't tell you what I was dreaming about now but I needed that orgasm clearly.  Unrelated--say a prayer or send out good energy to GN.  He's not doing well right now and as much as I don't want to lose anyone else, his kids are still super young and need him.


ha ha ha, why not all the things

Monday, March 28, 2022 No comments

prompt for today: talk about something that scares you.  mostly never being in a functional relationship again or not being able to meet my obligations.  i don't like letting people down.


cue the janet jackson

Sunday, March 27, 2022 No comments

i don't always say what i want to say here because i'm not sure who is reading it.  that's dumb because as best i can tell the only people reading this are bots and me. i don't want to make people uncomfortable but i don't have anyone to talk about this stuff with anymore.  i'm single. most of the submissive leaning friends i had disappeared or don't fit in my life anymore.  i don't have any dom friends really, not anymore.  i have exes, memories and ghosts.  i didn't even open up about this to my last therapist because she wasn't ready and i need someone who can get in there with me.  there are days i am just fine and there are days i am cratered.  those cratered days have been coming more often because i'm tired and when i'm tired i cannot keep everything together.  shit is hard enough when i'm ok and feeling good but right now i'm neither.  and all i want is my dad really.  i'd really dig it if we could sit on the couch and talk about malcolm x and cartoons and tennis and if tiger woods is ever gonna play again and that he was proud of me again.  i haven't heard his voice in almost 21 years and fuck that hurts.  cause what i do have is a banshee that is the absolute fucking worst and i get to take care of her until she's gone.  and you know what i cannot think of the last time she said she was proud of me and she only says thank you when she feels compelled to.  not big on the love you either.

sorry had to pause to cry for a second.  when i fall in love, it tends to be way too deeply and with someone who isn't really available to me.  that hasn't changed as part of D/s.  if anything it's worse.  then men who connect to my spirit are usually good fathers who make me feel safe.  kinda like my dad did.  the difference is my dad went out of his way to tell all of us he loved us and was proud of us and check in on me in particular sometimes because he knew i made myself small when i was hurting.  and when i was small i was quiet and i could say that way indefinitely.  my partners don't know that though.  they aren't part of my coping strategy and are often confused by the switch in my personality.  kinky me is very direct and very honest.  hurt me is damn near able to disappear.  prolonged hurt me then has questions but it's too late by then.  i was just thinking about when i fell out of love with one of my vanilla exes who captured my psyche and i can't tell you for certain. one day that emotion was just gone but it was well after the relationship ended.  that's where i am now.  except that the men now can and have seen parts of my being that no one else has.  all they haven't gotten out of me is my dad's nickname for me and that's probably a good thing.  if that had become associated with one of them i might be suicidal to never hear it again.  

so here i am right now deliberately not reaching out to GN or the Dutchman because they have moved on and i'm the dumbass fighting my tears late on a Sunday night.  neither will see this anytime soon and no one that knows any of us will relay that message.  i used to hope for that.  that someone would say that girl needs you, please go check on her.  that girl loves you, would move heaven and earth for you, what else do you need.  don't you want a sub who lays herself open to you.  then why did you leave her hanging.  but no one knows me or them well enough to even start that conversation and i'm happy about that right now.  that would sound desperate as fuck and there's no reason to spark a pity tour.  i'll be okay after i catch my breath.  not sure when that will be but it's not tonight.


Yes, no, it's complicated

Prompt for today: For poly submissives are you jealous of the time your Dominant spends with other partners in the relationship?  How do you cope with that?  So my last two dynamics were both poly.  In one relationship there was no jealousy.  Annoyance every blue moon because information was not relayed in a straight forward manner.  But I was happy as fuck that they distracted him more often than not.  They fed his need to dominate a partner in a way that I could not because he wasn't showing to me that he could feed the needs I had in our dynamic.  In the other dynamic, I was jealous about work if I'm going to be perfectly honest.  He inflamed every part of my senses and I wanted to be up under him 24/7 if I could have been.  In this situation, it never would have happened.  As much as I created erections for him, as much as he made me drip drop around the spaces I existed in, he was never in a position that he could have--or likely really wanted to--dominate me in the way that only he could.  To be clear y'all I was fucked in the head.  I could have picked up and relocated on a whim if he had asked me to do that.  He didn't and it wasn't because there was someone else--that I was in competition with if that makes sense.  I was just losing out to the rest of his life.  So I guess the answer is it depends on the person and the nature of our dynamic.  In one situation, I was pretty chill.  In the other, I turned myself into knots hoping I could make it better but without the ability to do so.


I think I'm sick

Saturday, March 26, 2022 No comments

I'm tired and my patience is on -200340405968.  Let's get to the prompt and I will see if there's anything else worth adding.  

Prompt for today: Complete this sentence and then keep writing: Sometimes I hate being a submissive because this is the one area of my life that I have no control over and I hate it.  I'm a chronic control freak in almost every other way and I enjoy it that way.  This is shit that is beyond me and that's annoying.  Let me say though I couldn't be a dominant or a switch either.  I don't want to control anyone else.  I barely want to control me.

So I'm at a down ebb in this whole strong Black woman shtick.  My work email keeps blowing up even as I keep unsubscribing from different things.  I keep having to be strong Black lady who knows all the things, manages all the things, and is present at all the things while little to nothing gets done without me borderline harassing folks.  There are some people stepping up but they either look like me or are otherwise othered by our coworkers and we are all exhausted.  My mother is just fucking exhausting.  I could elaborate but trust me in that it wouldn't help you do anything but pity me.  All of this is wearing me out clearly.  I've been asleep or nodding off most of the day.  I don't do that unless I'm tired as shit or sick.  I've been more tired lately because work has been kicking my ass and my mother is fucking exhausting. 

I could desperately go for a long heavy pain session.  One in which my limbs ache after and I worry about how I can play off that bruise before the next doctors appointment or day in the office.  One in which I am borderline violated by my sadistic playmate whose only desire is to have his fluids dripping out of my orifices randomly for the next several hours.  One after which I just want to curl up next to my dominant partner and giggle/whimper into his hold as he tells me what a good little girl/slut/cunt I was and my heart is full as I drift off to sleep. Yeah I need to be hurt and a new dynamic.  Maybe in that order I don't know.


Adulting really is fucking exhausting

Friday, March 25, 2022 No comments

Prompt for yesterday: How do you respond to a crisis?  I tend to figure out what needs to be done, the quickest way to get it done, who needs to be involved to address the issue and then go from there.  Once it's done then I will collapse and sleep until I have to get back into the fray and keep taking care of things.  That's been my entire last 20 plus years of life.  Periods of calm between crises.

Prompt for today: If you became ill or injured at a BDSM play space or event--what would you do?  What could the others around you do if you aren't able to?  What is a simple way to prepare for a health situation that would require contacting your family? Now I'm not sure.  I have never played in public and my partners in private had access to my phone and knew my family's names so they would know who to contact.  I just realized they may need my passcode for the phone because every phone is locked these days.  I have never done a pick up scene so yeah people would get in my phone and call the mom contact or my brother who is listed in the ICE entry on the phone.

I did nothing productive today.  I got a pedicure cause my feet were making my sheets unhappy.   And then I got a massage.  I made the pizza dough before it went bad so I'll put up the pizza soon and then I'm going to bed because why the fuck not.


Sentence building

Wednesday, March 23, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Complete this sentence and then keep writing.  "I need to accept that my life will always be complicated and the kind of kink relationship I want/need may not manifest."  I'm not sure what else to say there because it's the truth.  I either click with men in complicated points in their lives, have complicated shit going on in my own life, or both. The kind of kink relationship I want versus the kind that fits in my life isn't exactly firing on all cylinders either.  I can fit in sometime play partners.  I cannot fit in the loving Dominant that I'd prefer.  Well loving with some massive sadistic tendencies and the desire to make my brain jelly when we get the opportunity. 


Tired tired, kinky girl down

Tuesday, March 22, 2022 No comments

Prompt for yesterday: Have you ever been so discouraged that you gave up on kink for a time?  What caused this despair? How did it work, returning to vanilla?  What caused you to return to kink?  I don't think I gave up on kink more than I just wasn't looking for a relationship.  I haven't been in a vanilla relation in decades and am not interested in seeking one out.  I eventually find someone that sparks my interest and I engage with kink again.  Right now I'm just taking the time to learn more about myself and kink.

Prompt for today: Have you ever been given a task that you just couldn't do?  No because in discussing tasks and pushing boundaries if I really didn't think I could do it then I'd say that up front and we'd find a new plan.


May feel like a double but it's because the earlier post was around midnight

Sunday, March 20, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Pick one thing that's standing in the way of your dreams.  What could you achieve if that one thing was removed from your life?  I was going to say there's nothing in the way but really it's income.  If I had more money I could do the things I'd like to do without thinking about them too much.  Like at this moment I'd really like to send someone out to bring me some Abuelo's but I'm not even sure if they are still open or my favorite Thai place but they are definitely closed today.  Or a time machine to go back to when the pandemic started and take out the folks we knew would become a problem in fighting it.  Or to when my dad was alive so we could all make some different decisions.  So yeah income or a time machine.


Interesting question

Prompt for today: If you invented a device that could fix one problem you are facing right now, would you use it?  What problem would you like to solve?  So I was tossing around options in my head just now and honestly I'd like a machine that lets me produce the income I need to address all of the busy work I don't have enough energy to do solo.  Pay someone to pack up the house under my direction and relocate it.  Pay someone to fix the unresolved things in the new house under my direction quickly.  Pay someone to put another five feet onto the back of the house so the kitchen, dining room and living room was bigger.  Pay someone to drive me around when I'm exhausted and entertain mom when I'm exhausted.  Pay off all the major bills (for me and my family) so that everything going forward was just cost of living stuff.  Pay someone so I never had another IBS flare or worried about having another IBS flare.  There are lots of problems to solve but it would need to be a device that doesn't harm anyone else--like it can't loot old people or the government.  And it can't bankrupt me in old age.  Or do some irrevocable damage to my family.  Clearly I watch a lot of science fiction movies.  

We did another round of clean up at the house and we're nearing the please buy this damn thing phase.  I came home and did a lot of stress cooking/baking.  I made gingerbread muffins and then homemade pizzas for dinner.  Mom dug her cauliflower crust so brownie points for me.  If neither of us are exhausted tomorrow we'll go back and spend another few hours working our way through what's left and head back home to rest. 


Two for Friday, your girl is tired

Friday, March 18, 2022 No comments

Prompt for yesterday: how do you handle failing at a task your Dominant gives? I'd say look at yesterday's post or I guess Wednesday's post but honestly this hasn't happened a ton.  I don't react well initially and then I try again because that's what you do.  Or at least that's what I do.

Prompt for today: what do you want to know but are too timid to ask? I ask the question, just not the people who would give me an honest answer or I give them an out to not respond.  I normally want to know why not me.  Like what happened to make me no longer interesting or engaging.  But does it really matter in the end?  Nope it does not.  Everything else I may ask badly but I ask.

I don't have much else to say today.  I was supposed to be on vacation this week but that has meant a lot of ripping and running instead of relaxing.  Meetings, presentations, tending to house stuff, what have you but no resting.  Will be back at it tomorrow and then maybe some stress baking/cooking.


this must be the crappy for single subs section of the prompts

Wednesday, March 16, 2022 No comments

Prompt: How do you react when your Dominant expects something of you that you are not prepared to give?  Is that the way you want to respond, and how does your Dominant want you to respond?  This has only come up in one dynamic really and I tried it and then gave up on it because I didn't have the energy or patience to do that thing when I was doing a billion other things.  I'm sure it wasn't how he wanted me to respond but I was struggling with submitting to someone who was much newer to the lifestyle than I was and who refused to acknowledge that there were issues between us because of that.  And he didn't know how to manage me.


Sometimes things just line up

Tuesday, March 15, 2022 No comments

Prompt: How does external stress affect your submission or service?  The nerd in me is wondering if that should be effect not affect but I don't care enough to go look it up right now.  External stress makes me shut down eventually.  When I shut down I don't ask for help or reach out to my dominant partner.  I just take care of the have to take care of things and then go to bed.  That made Mr. Wolf insane because I didn't even pretend like I as going to put him first.  Mom was sick, I was going up for a new job, my health was all over the place.  In a moment when I needed to be taken care of, he ended up adding stress because I wasn't journaling or checking in with him or making time to see him.  Forgive me, my mother almost died so making time to check in was not a priority.  I'm ranting a bit sorry.  The point is, I'm probably not a good submissive when I'm highly stressed unless we live together.  Then you can get me to relax or beat me until I do.  If we're separate then I'd do what I with Mr. Wolf more than likely and shut you out.

You have the current blog title because even though I'm supposed to be on vacation this week, I had to go to work.  And while I was at work diffusing one situation two more blew up and I was just fucking tired.  I came home to see if they had jacked up my bathroom as much as I thought they did and yep it was worse.  So I called the folks that called me about the warranty and home and yeah they apologized a lot but they can't fix what is happening.  So I had my only meal of the day and then I crashed.  I woke up and ordered delivery because fuck if I'm cooking and after I eat I'm probably going back to bed.  I'm just tired.  That's what stress does to me, make me fucking tired.


Breakthroughs, breakdowns and broken things

Monday, March 14, 2022 No comments

Prompt for the day: How do you handle your Dominant's disappointment in you or your performance in a task?  Honestly, I don't handle that well.  I have never handled disappointing men I care about well.  It makes me sad and moody and then I kind of go into overdrive to make it better.  I'll also beat myself up a little emotionally until I can get myself together.  Thankfully that doesn't happen too often when I'm in a dynamic.  

The title was just a nifty one.  I'm feeling better today.  I like moments of growth.  I'm not perfect but I'm improving daily.  Life isn't perfect but it's better than I deserve sometimes.  Each day will have ebbs and flows as long as I allow myself to keep trying.


no snappy title volume wtf

Sunday, March 13, 2022 No comments

Prompt: Are you encouraged to use dirty talk during sexual play?  How does it make you feel?  I don't know that I've actively been encouraged or discouraged.  I tend to say things like fuck me Daddy or hurt me because I'm encouraging more abuse. Typically though I'm just moaning and cumming and slurping and sucking and what have you.  Dirty talk doesn't make me feel anything in particular.  My connection to my Dominant partner can make me feel sexy, girly, giggly, or stupid as the case may be.  

I had more thoughts about something else but I legit have forgotten what it was.  I've been tired as shit all day and it's gone.  It was probably about work, relationships or resting.  Whatever it was, shit is not in my brain now.

Thoughts have returned.  I'm probably going to cut and paste this part to Fetlife because it relates there too.  There's an app based game that I have been playing longer than I should have called Choices.  In that game the stories are kind of like grown up choose your own adventures we used to read as kids.  Some are campy, some are scary, some are sweet and the current phase are tarty with one having a clear BDSM story line in play.  This is the digital version of me that's having much more fun than the real version of me until this past week's chapter dropped.  It was in that moment that digital me and real me had life collide except digital me had a cleaner break than I did and of course a moment of courage I did not achieve dashed in with the other part of why submission is hard for me--the threat of exposure.  I don't trust a lot of people to engage in the first place because it only takes one of them to potentially derail my entire life.  It's not even that I'm a submissive that I think would cause the most harm but that I'm a Black woman in kink who is unmarried, happy about that and not actively looking to conform.  If this was an activity with my husband some people may titter behind my back but single, globe trotting, dick riding and swallowing kinky Black women are not help in the highest regard.  I digress.  As I was reading the Dominant partner in this case cutting off the relationship because THEY were too emotionally invested but blaming the submissive partner's potential for emotional investment, something snapped for me.  It doesn't matter why they leave in the end. The rationale isn't as crucial as the fact that they opted to leave.  That making it work was more of a challenge than they wanted to take on so they took the path of least resistance.  I won't call it easy because it literally may not be easy for them to cut someone off cold and they may regret it upon occasion but ultimately the act is the same.  Separation of the dynamic.

I have been desperate to avoid the ache that even digital me got hit with this week.  Yes I've wanted that person, my person, back and to live out the highs and lows of a long-term dynamic again but if I'm being completely honest I miss the simple aspects of having a dominant partner in my life.  Someone to celebrate with and be goofy with and to share my fears when something bad is going on or to make plans with about dumb things.  I miss the things that keep me engaged beyond the submission, the sense of caring and belonging that the right partner can give you.  I felt like I was cut adrift by a few of these relationships ending because there was no this is good-bye moment.  It was just absence that stretched into more and more days.  An occasional resurfacing and then nothing.  No I'm sorry little girl.  No I'll talk to you later baby girl. No goodbye for now or forever my cunt.  Just nothing.  The emotional vacuum that caused for me was not something my very logical mind could prepare for in advance and nothing my submissive brain could overcome the next time it happened.  It was just all of the short circuiting of systems at once.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not sure how I would have handled a formal conversation had they occurred.  I was mad at Mr. Wolf when he ended things but mostly because of WHY he did it not how.  And I'm pretty sure I giggled when Emperor ended things because he just knew he was getting an upgrade.  She was thinner, taller, with fairer skin and longer hair and she promised she was amazingly flexible and submissive and could spend hours in rope.  I mean I might have left me for that person too--if they were telling the truth and I knew that she was not.  Finding out I was right later did not make me feel better.  Well not really, who doesn't like being right?  It was just a waste.

I think I've said this before but I've been doing BDSM wrong in some respects.  I'm all about vetting and making sure I mesh well with someone.  I'm all about making sure our kinks align and that we can find areas to connect in when we need to be in vanilla spaces together.  What I have been less successful at--and I'm willing to say just bad at--is figuring out what kind of dynamic are we going to have, how are we going to handle conflict, how do we resolve issues when they arise, when do we acknowledge problems and how, how do we handle separating if we need to do so?  I started the Submissive Guide prompts to figure out what kind of submissive I am.  I don't know that the prompts have helped with that directly but I do know a few things about who I am based on what has been brought out of me in these various dynamics.  I am submissive with some very untapped slave tendencies.  Those will not come out with the average person but if you manage to flip that switch then I can serve you in ways that just regular old submissive me cannot.  I am well educated, becoming more well traveled, am a decent cook and above average baker.  If it was 1952, I'd slide on into the housewife tradition and make your cocktail before bringing you your meal and happily giving you an after dinner blow job while you enjoy dessert.  I'd rather be in lingerie and an apron than pajamas but if I'm super honest I'd rather be nude at your feet letting you stroke my hair while you read the paper or watch TV.  I don't see myself as a service submissive even though I can provide some high quality service.  I'm a sexually charged submissive with a masochistic streak wide enough to accommodate the vast majority of your debauchery.  And I desperately long to be used by someone who fully appreciates those qualities and has to worry about hurting me because I'm probably gonna giggle faster than I say my safe word.

I can function in a dynamic without a strong mental connection BUT (and this is important) you are going to think I'm a brat because you will have to continue to convince me that I should do any of the things you ask me to do.  If the reasoning isn't sound to my mind then I won't do them ultimately.  If we have a strong mental connection, I will damn near move mountains to achieve what you ask of me.  My physical connection to you will depend largely on what kind of mental connection we have.  A strong and engaged mental connection means you can look at me and I will be happy to do almost anything you could ask of me without complaint, question, fear or concern.  People watching would be concerned about my health potentially because I will zen into the happiest of Yes Sir spaces until I know you are spent and happy with me.  If we don't have a strong mental connection you can convince my body to respond to you and you'll have a blast but I'm more of a wind up toy in that situation than a personal professional slut puppy.  The big deal here too is my submission sexually can be insane and without concern to anything but lust in that moment so if you only end up with wind up toy version of me you're missing out on several levels of depravity.

What my compartmentalized story did was remind me of two things, I can't wish a relationship into existence.  And I don't have to keep being afraid.  Even digital me, making all the best decisions, couldn't stop the inevitable exist from happening.  But if I live afraid then I don't really live.  I asked GN why he never came back for me and he didn't think he could.  So I may have wasted a ton of time when despite what I think are clear entreaties to my former partners they don't feel like they can or want to go backwards so there's no chance for us regardless.  It's been an odd bit of confluence and I needed it to happen.  I'm ready world.  Come find me.


pot meet fucked up kettle

Saturday, March 12, 2022 No comments

Have you ever wished you could reconnect with an ex-partner?  How have you reconciled those feelings?  Well isn't this awkward.  Yep I have, and nope it didn't happen.  I haven't entirely reconciled these feelings but I'm working on it.  I don't like the getting to know you stage so I would prefer to be with someone that understands me already.  Problem is we usually broke up for a reason and I need to accept that even if I think the reason was dumb or a matter of timing or circumstance.  We didn't make it work is all that matters.  Actually, what also matters is if they are wanting the same thing.  In this case they are not wanting that and I am being a slow jackass.  So time to move on.


This may be the post that never ends, it may go on and on my heathens

Friday, March 11, 2022 No comments

Let me get the prompt out of the way first: How do you communicate when you are angry/upset?  Short answer is badly.  My emotions run away with me and it's ugly as hell initially and then I get anxious and fold in on myself and then I get angrier as the person I need to soothe me makes little effort to do so until I'm emotionally spent and crying.  Truthfully, I don't know that my partners are always aware that I'm upset.  I can be very reserved if I am not excited about something.  My lashing out can seem like a rage I guess because I'm usually chill, or at least I think I am.  Regardless, this isn't an issue for me in the moment.  No one to be angry with in a relationship sense.


I'm struggling with these prompts

Thursday, March 10, 2022 No comments

I am super tired but that's not why I'm struggling right now.  This is a question that no matter how fluid I consider the term service hasn't really come to my mind or been an issue.  If everything I've ever done at the request of my Dominant partner was deemed as a service, the hardest request of me was related to the urine experiments requested by the Dutchman.  Once we broke that barrier though everything else was like nothing.  Other requests I couldn't do because I just couldn't.  Different dynamics, the energy didn't feel cohesive enough to form that kind of connection with that person.  With other folks there was never a struggle ever because of either how it was requested or because I knew they'd never ask anything of me that they didn't think I could easily do.  I'm not a service submissive though.  I never have been.  It's not what has been asked of me and it's not what I have aspired to be.  Maybe I should.  Maybe that will make me more desirable to someone somewhere but my natural inclination is more emotional/psychological submission during which my goal is to physically submit and relinquish control as much as humanly possible. 


Better Question, longer day

Wednesday, March 09, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Have you ever felt pushed to an emotional edge?  How would you describe that moment?  Not in my dynamics now but in life surely.  Losing my father, losing important people in my life, pivotal relationships ending, losing jobs, relocating and feeling like a failure.  Those moments just suck.  I feel a little insane.  I'm not sure how to get back to equilibrium.  It's unnerving.


another meh question for me

Tuesday, March 08, 2022 No comments

prompt for today: when was the last time you were punished? how have things changed since then?  i literally don't remember getting punished.  i may have been but it was probably something we both enjoyed like a hard spanking, rope or rough sex.  nothing that i recall actually trying to correct my behavior and that i didn't enjoy.


this question is weird

Monday, March 07, 2022 No comments

prompt for today: how do you handle your temper around your dominant?  are you allowed to express it in some way?  my dominant is not some omnipotent wizard who only gets a perfect version of me.  i don't think i could function in a dynamic like that.  when i get mad, he knows i'm mad.  i'll probably start crying at some point because i do that when i get mad and then we'll figure it out or we want.


This only matters to me, skip it if you don't want to dance around in circles

Sunday, March 06, 2022 No comments

I debated posting this to my private blog but you've seen the relationships play out in public so this is just another step along that path.  I couldn't sleep last night, clearly, which is why I was up blogging before I went to bed.  I am not sure why I went and click on an old message thread between myself and the Dutchman. I did and as I clicked expand older messages I realized it was the first conversation we ever had.  Still don't remember what group we were in, and why we were having a conversation in private at that point.  I can't remember if it was about tattoos or movies or both but out of nowhere there he was.  And just like that, I was intrigued.  

I was not looking for a single solitary thing when he stumbled into m inbox.  I was open to a new relationship after finally accepting that things with GN were really dead.  I had been approached by other people though and none of them created a spark.  Then all of a sudden, I was plotting trips and getting excited about collecting new passport stamps and entertaining a man that not only saw who I was but saw who I might be with the right pressure applied.  I tumbled over myself falling in love with that man.  I booked an overpriced ticket to see him, found a fantastic hotel in a great location and I'm glad I did because I was able to see the city when I couldn't see him all that often.  That absence didn't make me that angry.  It made me anxious. It made me needy.  It made me stupid.  No matter how much or how little we spoke in the ensuing months and years, he owned me.  And I could throw a tantrum.  I could pull away.  I could say I was protecting myself but my heart and mind just wanted to fall over myself again like we had now apparently eight years ago.  I have read a lot, done a lot, accomplished a lot since that offhanded conversation starter.  I hold on to that now because there's nothing happening in my love life right now lol.  The difference is now I've been altered so I'm more hesitant and more reserved with new people.  I don't trust my ability to tumble and recover anymore.  There are whole parts of the vocabulary that cannot be directed towards me anymore because they belong to him even if I don't anymore.  Part of my dumb ass would crawl over broken glass for that high and connection again, to be his again.  Thankfully, that part no longer gets to call the shots.  That's why I'm posting this here.  He doesn't come here, no one he knows comes here and it's safe.  And honestly no one that may want to replace him comes here either.  Almost no one does lol.

Hey at least I got my hard to find Funko Pop today.  I can quit looking at overpriced options on Amazon.  If the other one shows up tomorrow I can cancel an order I made in December that has not materialized yet.  Then it's just waiting for my other What If character to arrive.


Nights Like This I wish someone would call

Prompt for today: What aspect of your life has been the hardest to surrender? Why?  No one has actually made me turn over my entire life to them.  I don't know that any of them have really wanted that much control over me.  When I was with GN, he made me take better care of myself than was normal and that was an adjustment because I don't like letting go and trusting someone to make decisions for me.  Mostly because if they are the wrong decisions then I have no one to blame but myself for trusting them to know better than I did.  I'm not sure if I can ever let go that much.  The one time I thought I could well that didn't work out.  Self-sabotage is a bitch.

I should be asleep but I'm awake.  I almost knocked out, opted to masturbate and now I'm blogging.  I also checked my phone in case someone wanted to talk.  News flash, they did not.  And I am not gonna be needy stalker bitch this evening.  Missing someone is just part of the package right now.  I can't even blame being drunk on the reaching out.  And it's not loneliness.  It's just a little bit of an ache when my head is too quiet and there's nothing to do to distract myself.  I was also reading my digital BDSM story tonight and I get that part of the allure is the push pull and that he's adamant about what he wants and how he wants to achieve that goal with her.  I wish I ever felt that secure with a partner.  That is a shot waiting to happen if it ever comes up when I'm playing Never Have I Ever.  It's starting to storm right now too.  This used to be good snuggling weather.  Now it's just keeping me awake


me go sleepy, me no care

Saturday, March 05, 2022 No comments

you know when you are good and done with being awake and your body just says fuck whatever else you gotta do?  well if you don't you are definitely not me because that sure as shit happened last night.  

prompt for yesterday: how do you deal with coming down from an intense scene?  honestly i don't have a good plan.  what tends to happen is i float for a few days and then i crash.  the depth of the crash depends on two things: the intensity of the scene and my connection to my partner.  i will go from the high to a depressive state if the scene was incredibly intense or i'm highly connected to my partner.  if i'm not then i may get cranky or sleepy if i'm not terribly connected.  my body and mind have to readjust to not having ready access to the person that throws off my equilibrium.  i don't have a clue on how better adjust to that event save living with my partner again but that's not something that looks likely for me.

prompt for today: how do you juggle work, family and submission? what is the most challenging part?  i don't lol.  the only time i sorta did was when i was with GN because we lived together.  my work and family eat up so much of my time that even looking for a partner or take good care of them.  it made Mr. Wolf upset for certain.  my work life and my familial commitments are stressful.  i'd love to wake up with my partner again.  not sure how to balance things better as i have gotten busier but that's my honest response.


might be catching a cold, meh

Thursday, March 03, 2022 No comments

prompt: describe a mistake you made recently, big or small.  how did you deal with it?  so many but some would out me with work soooooooo i will just discuss the one that won't.  i mentioned before that i did a dumb thing.  but that dumb thing is moving me forward.  sometimes i get this overwhelming urge to reach out to the Dutchman.  i know it's dumb.  i think the way i cut things off in november mean we won't talk again unless we are forced to for some reason so yeah there's that.  anyway i sent him a message and then i went to bed.  i didn't expect to hear from him and i have not.  it's okay, that's on me.  he hadn't responded to earlier more distant messages so this should not have been a shock.  i dealt with it by talking to a friend and sorting through the pressing emotions.  then i blogged and had an epiphany.  and after that i deleted the message.  i'm not sure if that deleted things for him.  if it did great.  if not then i guess it will just sit there untouched.  and i deleted it more so i didn't sit and ruminate on the lack of response.  that's a mental block for me.  and now it's not something i have to dwell on.


short and sweet for now

Wednesday, March 02, 2022 No comments

Prompt: Imagine a world where you could do everything you like without being judged by people around you.  Would anything change in your life?  I would probably be able to be out about both my goofy sexuality and my interest in kink.  I am tired of having to use code language to express what I'm interested in for a new partner but being completely transparent isn't really an option right now.  Some freedom to be out and about would be nice.


long day, good work, need a vacation

Tuesday, March 01, 2022 No comments

prompt for today: do you struggle with depression? how has being a submissive helped you recover?  i have some issues with this question but i'll get to that in a second.  i do not struggle with depression.  have i had moments were i felt depressed.  really pretty sure that i have but it's not perpetual, it's not usually even more than a few hours or days and it normally is after a loss.  if i had depression as an overarching issue, i don't think submission should have helped me recover UNLESS my partner was encouraging me to get help for my issues and take care of myself.  my partner and our dynamic should not be the place where my therapeutic needs are met.  that can create some codependency and some outright devastation when a dynamic ends. like everything about this question gave me the icky feelings.  if you have been healed in your dynamic i'm glad for you but i'm likely biased because of my connection to treatment fields and all i saw was danger will robinson.

after i left here last night i kept listening to music which sparked a LONG thread on my fetlife page.  gonna share that here so you can see it but just know i'm feeling better.

i have died every day waiting for you but be careful cause all my friends are heathens

okay probably not actually. i'm jut letting the music massage my brain after a long day and a desire to not be frustrated. it's been playing since i came home and started having dinner. have run the gamut of genres with the only connective thread that i feel better listening to them than i don't. the only mostly adhered to rule thus far is no artist gets to play a bunch in a row. a few people have played twice but mostly it's bouncing from one person to another.

brain just had a click. i was talking about relationship baggage earlier and how we aren't really ready for a new connection until we got back down to a carry on. i take time to purge myself between dynamics but the baggage i've been holding on to is probably some of the most destructive. i know i've struggled with insecurity a lot in relationships. a lot of that is because my parents relationships were jacked up. both when they were with each other and when they were with new people later. i watched them be good people and get shit for their trouble. i watched, more in my dad's case, their partners be good people and my parent being unable to receive that. his own insecurity blocking that from being more than it was.

i've convinced myself that "he" won't stay before we become an us. i used to do that more blatantly when i was specifically dating vanilla. sorry got distracted by the guitar entry to change by the deftones. i cannot play the guitar at all but a few songs make me wish i could. if you're wondering if you know the song, if you've seen Queen of the Damned this is the song that's playing during the bathtub scene with Stuart Townsend and Aaliyah or Lestat and Akasha. ok back to what i was saying. when i was a vanilla dating gal, i used to call my partners my future ex husbands. some laughed and embraced it. others got frustrated that i was divorcing us before we got married. i didn't marry any of them at least so there's that.

i feel immensely more vulnerable and exposed when i am submitting to someone. and my feelings are raw and exposed. i live for the affirmation that i am indeed a good girl and can just as easily die in the metaphorical sense if there is a disconnect. i don't know why i'm just realizing this. maybe it's the submissive guide prompts i've been doing. maybe it was the dumb thing i did earlier combined with the music. maybe it's just time for me realize some shit. who knows but yeah submissive me is venturing to show you my soft underbelly and hoping you don't gut me. however, i'm so paranoid when i see something shiny near you that i lash out or hide or cry and confuse you. you being my dominant partner in the metaphorical sense again here since i'm single.

i want to be present in the submissive role without worrying about when i will be left. i want to serve in a confident fashion and grow both through letting my boundaries be pushed but also because the connection i have with my dominant partner makes it easy for that growth to occur. i want to be secure in that service and not be worried that my dominant partner will be ready to replace me the moment the beat changes and i'm struggling a bit. i also want to be able to say i'm struggling and that be received and nurtured. i think i want a lot but not a lot at the same time. part of this is on me to continue to do better and leave that baggage alone. it's not mine to carry anymore. it never really was. i'm flawed but not unlovable. i'm a mess sometimes but i am a loving mess. this may be the last song for the night. it feels like a good place to let me thoughts settle.

i can't drink you, i can't drink you away
i can't drink you, i can't drink you away
i can't drink you, i can't drink you away
i've tried jack, i've tried jim, i've tried all of their friends

tell me baby, do they make a medicine for my heartbreak