Prompt for today: What aspect of your life has been the hardest to surrender? Why? No one has actually made me turn over my entire life to them. I don’t know that any of them have really wanted that much control over me. When I was with GN, he made me take better care of myself than was normal and that was an adjustment because I don’t like letting go and trusting someone to make decisions for me. Mostly because if they are the wrong decisions then I have no one to blame but myself for trusting them to know better than I did. I’m not sure if I can ever let go that much. The one time I thought I could well that didn’t work out. Self-sabotage is a bitch.
I should be asleep but I’m awake. I almost knocked out, opted to masturbate and now I’m blogging. I also checked my phone in case someone wanted to talk. News flash, they did not. And I am not gonna be needy stalker bitch this evening. Missing someone is just part of the package right now. I can’t even blame being drunk on the reaching out. And it’s not loneliness. It’s just a little bit of an ache when my head is too quiet and there’s nothing to do to distract myself. I was also reading my digital BDSM story tonight and I get that part of the allure is the push pull and that he’s adamant about what he wants and how he wants to achieve that goal with her. I wish I ever felt that secure with a partner. That is a shot waiting to happen if it ever comes up when I’m playing Never Have I Ever. It’s starting to storm right now too. This used to be good snuggling weather. Now it’s just keeping me awake