no snappy title volume wtf

Sunday, March 13, 2022

Prompt: Are you encouraged to use dirty talk during sexual play?  How does it make you feel?  I don't know that I've actively been encouraged or discouraged.  I tend to say things like fuck me Daddy or hurt me because I'm encouraging more abuse. Typically though I'm just moaning and cumming and slurping and sucking and what have you.  Dirty talk doesn't make me feel anything in particular.  My connection to my Dominant partner can make me feel sexy, girly, giggly, or stupid as the case may be.  

I had more thoughts about something else but I legit have forgotten what it was.  I've been tired as shit all day and it's gone.  It was probably about work, relationships or resting.  Whatever it was, shit is not in my brain now.

Thoughts have returned.  I'm probably going to cut and paste this part to Fetlife because it relates there too.  There's an app based game that I have been playing longer than I should have called Choices.  In that game the stories are kind of like grown up choose your own adventures we used to read as kids.  Some are campy, some are scary, some are sweet and the current phase are tarty with one having a clear BDSM story line in play.  This is the digital version of me that's having much more fun than the real version of me until this past week's chapter dropped.  It was in that moment that digital me and real me had life collide except digital me had a cleaner break than I did and of course a moment of courage I did not achieve dashed in with the other part of why submission is hard for me--the threat of exposure.  I don't trust a lot of people to engage in the first place because it only takes one of them to potentially derail my entire life.  It's not even that I'm a submissive that I think would cause the most harm but that I'm a Black woman in kink who is unmarried, happy about that and not actively looking to conform.  If this was an activity with my husband some people may titter behind my back but single, globe trotting, dick riding and swallowing kinky Black women are not help in the highest regard.  I digress.  As I was reading the Dominant partner in this case cutting off the relationship because THEY were too emotionally invested but blaming the submissive partner's potential for emotional investment, something snapped for me.  It doesn't matter why they leave in the end. The rationale isn't as crucial as the fact that they opted to leave.  That making it work was more of a challenge than they wanted to take on so they took the path of least resistance.  I won't call it easy because it literally may not be easy for them to cut someone off cold and they may regret it upon occasion but ultimately the act is the same.  Separation of the dynamic.

I have been desperate to avoid the ache that even digital me got hit with this week.  Yes I've wanted that person, my person, back and to live out the highs and lows of a long-term dynamic again but if I'm being completely honest I miss the simple aspects of having a dominant partner in my life.  Someone to celebrate with and be goofy with and to share my fears when something bad is going on or to make plans with about dumb things.  I miss the things that keep me engaged beyond the submission, the sense of caring and belonging that the right partner can give you.  I felt like I was cut adrift by a few of these relationships ending because there was no this is good-bye moment.  It was just absence that stretched into more and more days.  An occasional resurfacing and then nothing.  No I'm sorry little girl.  No I'll talk to you later baby girl. No goodbye for now or forever my cunt.  Just nothing.  The emotional vacuum that caused for me was not something my very logical mind could prepare for in advance and nothing my submissive brain could overcome the next time it happened.  It was just all of the short circuiting of systems at once.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not sure how I would have handled a formal conversation had they occurred.  I was mad at Mr. Wolf when he ended things but mostly because of WHY he did it not how.  And I'm pretty sure I giggled when Emperor ended things because he just knew he was getting an upgrade.  She was thinner, taller, with fairer skin and longer hair and she promised she was amazingly flexible and submissive and could spend hours in rope.  I mean I might have left me for that person too--if they were telling the truth and I knew that she was not.  Finding out I was right later did not make me feel better.  Well not really, who doesn't like being right?  It was just a waste.

I think I've said this before but I've been doing BDSM wrong in some respects.  I'm all about vetting and making sure I mesh well with someone.  I'm all about making sure our kinks align and that we can find areas to connect in when we need to be in vanilla spaces together.  What I have been less successful at--and I'm willing to say just bad at--is figuring out what kind of dynamic are we going to have, how are we going to handle conflict, how do we resolve issues when they arise, when do we acknowledge problems and how, how do we handle separating if we need to do so?  I started the Submissive Guide prompts to figure out what kind of submissive I am.  I don't know that the prompts have helped with that directly but I do know a few things about who I am based on what has been brought out of me in these various dynamics.  I am submissive with some very untapped slave tendencies.  Those will not come out with the average person but if you manage to flip that switch then I can serve you in ways that just regular old submissive me cannot.  I am well educated, becoming more well traveled, am a decent cook and above average baker.  If it was 1952, I'd slide on into the housewife tradition and make your cocktail before bringing you your meal and happily giving you an after dinner blow job while you enjoy dessert.  I'd rather be in lingerie and an apron than pajamas but if I'm super honest I'd rather be nude at your feet letting you stroke my hair while you read the paper or watch TV.  I don't see myself as a service submissive even though I can provide some high quality service.  I'm a sexually charged submissive with a masochistic streak wide enough to accommodate the vast majority of your debauchery.  And I desperately long to be used by someone who fully appreciates those qualities and has to worry about hurting me because I'm probably gonna giggle faster than I say my safe word.

I can function in a dynamic without a strong mental connection BUT (and this is important) you are going to think I'm a brat because you will have to continue to convince me that I should do any of the things you ask me to do.  If the reasoning isn't sound to my mind then I won't do them ultimately.  If we have a strong mental connection, I will damn near move mountains to achieve what you ask of me.  My physical connection to you will depend largely on what kind of mental connection we have.  A strong and engaged mental connection means you can look at me and I will be happy to do almost anything you could ask of me without complaint, question, fear or concern.  People watching would be concerned about my health potentially because I will zen into the happiest of Yes Sir spaces until I know you are spent and happy with me.  If we don't have a strong mental connection you can convince my body to respond to you and you'll have a blast but I'm more of a wind up toy in that situation than a personal professional slut puppy.  The big deal here too is my submission sexually can be insane and without concern to anything but lust in that moment so if you only end up with wind up toy version of me you're missing out on several levels of depravity.

What my compartmentalized story did was remind me of two things, I can't wish a relationship into existence.  And I don't have to keep being afraid.  Even digital me, making all the best decisions, couldn't stop the inevitable exist from happening.  But if I live afraid then I don't really live.  I asked GN why he never came back for me and he didn't think he could.  So I may have wasted a ton of time when despite what I think are clear entreaties to my former partners they don't feel like they can or want to go backwards so there's no chance for us regardless.  It's been an odd bit of confluence and I needed it to happen.  I'm ready world.  Come find me.


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