This may be the post that never ends, it may go on and on my heathens

Friday, March 11, 2022

Let me get the prompt out of the way first: How do you communicate when you are angry/upset?  Short answer is badly.  My emotions run away with me and it's ugly as hell initially and then I get anxious and fold in on myself and then I get angrier as the person I need to soothe me makes little effort to do so until I'm emotionally spent and crying.  Truthfully, I don't know that my partners are always aware that I'm upset.  I can be very reserved if I am not excited about something.  My lashing out can seem like a rage I guess because I'm usually chill, or at least I think I am.  Regardless, this isn't an issue for me in the moment.  No one to be angry with in a relationship sense.

Now I've been going back and forth about lots of things.  Sorry got distracted by Fetlife for a second.  While these last few prompts have felt stilted because of my particular brand of submission, I have enjoyed writing them overall.  It has helped me process some things and admit to myself some things that I may not have otherwise.  I've said it before but I am not someone that can really submit to you if you cannot engage my mind.  And I don't mean just have an intellectual conversation with me but soothe the doubt that rages up in there when I wonder if I am actually yours.  It's why I've struggled so hard in breakups with people that really have captured me.  Taken me years to step fully back out into spaces in which I may be approached and claimed again.  My brain will acknowledge that it's time to move on well before my heart can finally shut it down because it screams into a void for a while.

Screams wondering why I am not enough, why not me, why is this other person okay for you but not me.  But in the end none of that really matters.  Whatever the reason is, the truth is that I am unwanted and undesired by that person for this time frame.  And it may not just be as simple as unwanted or undesired but acknowledging they can't give me what I want.  Regardless, there's no path forward there and that just derails all of my emotional wiring until it doesn't.  Had RS or GN showed back up within a few months or even a year of things ending I may have been cautious but I would have likely fallen back into that relationship without prolonged hesitation.  I want to be in love with my Dominant and them to love me in return.  I like being a good little girl.  I like being kinky and nasty as hell as well.  I'm an interesting mix of things.  And even though I knew that The Dutchman was totally over me, I still hoped he wouldn't be and come rescue me from my screaming mind.  He won't/didn't whatever the right time frame is and that's okay.  Everything I felt and experienced is ultimately on me.  We were literally thousands of miles apart.  My travel to see him, following his commands, trying to please him, were all decisions I made to prove my submission.  It was the first time I felt that passionately about doing so but it's not his responsibility to sort out why that was the case or to make me feel better now.  That's on me too.

And if I'm being honest, most days I do feel fine.  It's the days I'm not feeling strong enough on my own to confront what is coming that I want him to be there.  And it may not even be him more than it is a Dominant partner to lean on.  I've been exhausted a lot lately.  I was going to go do some work at the old house but I've only been able to stay awake for the last few hours.  If I wasn't typing this right now I'm pretty sure I'd be asleep again.  I'm running on fumes.  I'd love for someone to take care of dinner tonight.  To take my mom over to the house so she can work on whatever she wants to work on.  To rub on my back until I relax.  To handle the home repairs.  Anything to just let me relax and breathe for more than a full day.  I am needy without someone to fill those needs.  I'm not horny even though I'd happily envelope the right hard thick dick to make me milky and moan and take their abuse until I went on back to sleep.  I really need to be abused.  Like I haven't had a good scene in so long that I think someone would have to seriously manage me because there's almost no shot of me remembering or using my safe word right now.  I need to hurt and I need to cry and I need it a lot more than I was probably considering.

Recognizing my own tendencies and desires is a harder truth to accept sometimes than the lack of Dom who is appealing to me right now.  What the journaling and the reading and the more mindful attempts at self care are showing me is that, I am likely always going to have complicated relationships because my life is complicated.  I am not a single submissive with a regular job and no responsibilities.  I am a single submissive with an intense job who is the primary caretaker of a parent.  Finding someone that can accept being at best second in my life is difficult.  You're not second to work but as long as mom is getting on my nerves somewhere in my house you can't be first.  Conversely though, I'm glad she's around for one reason.  I could be shattered in another country right now if she weren't.  I had to make myself not apply for jobs near The Dutchman because the desire to be near him overwhelmed my brain more than it should have some days.  I would have been a hot mess had he gone radio silent on me there.  I love the city now in a way that I didn't when I met him so I might be okay if I moved now but then my entire world would have been him.  And part of me longs for the ability to make my whole world my Dominant but for lots of reasons I cannot.  That would literally make me giddy though and I think that may another part of my struggle.

What I want is not feasible for all of the aforementioned reasons.  I don't have the ability to play long and hard and scream and moan and writhe around in my bedroom with my partner.  My mother is nosy and needs shit a lot when I'm home.  Going away to visit scratches the itch but I know I'm moody when I come home because it's gonna be months at a minimum before I can have that again more than likely.  That happens when your partners are long-distance.  And given where I live I full expect to always be long-distance with my partner.  I am understanding these things and trying to make peace with them.  It's gonna take more time but I'm getting better.  That's all I can do each day.  Try to get better.


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