This only matters to me, skip it if you don't want to dance around in circles

Sunday, March 06, 2022

I debated posting this to my private blog but you've seen the relationships play out in public so this is just another step along that path.  I couldn't sleep last night, clearly, which is why I was up blogging before I went to bed.  I am not sure why I went and click on an old message thread between myself and the Dutchman. I did and as I clicked expand older messages I realized it was the first conversation we ever had.  Still don't remember what group we were in, and why we were having a conversation in private at that point.  I can't remember if it was about tattoos or movies or both but out of nowhere there he was.  And just like that, I was intrigued.  


I was not looking for a single solitary thing when he stumbled into m inbox.  I was open to a new relationship after finally accepting that things with GN were really dead.  I had been approached by other people though and none of them created a spark.  Then all of a sudden, I was plotting trips and getting excited about collecting new passport stamps and entertaining a man that not only saw who I was but saw who I might be with the right pressure applied.  I tumbled over myself falling in love with that man.  I booked an overpriced ticket to see him, found a fantastic hotel in a great location and I'm glad I did because I was able to see the city when I couldn't see him all that often.  That absence didn't make me that angry.  It made me anxious. It made me needy.  It made me stupid.  No matter how much or how little we spoke in the ensuing months and years, he owned me.  And I could throw a tantrum.  I could pull away.  I could say I was protecting myself but my heart and mind just wanted to fall over myself again like we had now apparently eight years ago.  I have read a lot, done a lot, accomplished a lot since that offhanded conversation starter.  I hold on to that now because there's nothing happening in my love life right now lol.  The difference is now I've been altered so I'm more hesitant and more reserved with new people.  I don't trust my ability to tumble and recover anymore.  There are whole parts of the vocabulary that cannot be directed towards me anymore because they belong to him even if I don't anymore.  Part of my dumb ass would crawl over broken glass for that high and connection again, to be his again.  Thankfully, that part no longer gets to call the shots.  That's why I'm posting this here.  He doesn't come here, no one he knows comes here and it's safe.  And honestly no one that may want to replace him comes here either.  Almost no one does lol.

Hey at least I got my hard to find Funko Pop today.  I can quit looking at overpriced options on Amazon.  If the other one shows up tomorrow I can cancel an order I made in December that has not materialized yet.  Then it's just waiting for my other What If character to arrive.


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