getting these both out of the way tonight

Friday, April 29, 2022 No comments

prompt for today: shortened--how does submission impact your daily routine? do you have to ask for things or check in? only one partner asked me to do check ins and it did not go well.  my day fluctuates literally hour to hour sometimes so doing x when you wake up or y when you get to work doesn't even register in my brain.  it could have been because i wasn't terribly mentally connected to that partner but seriously i would have struggled and made myself slightly insane even if i was connected to them.  because i've only lived with one partner there was only one time it really impacted my daily routine.  he would keep me on schedule and make sure i took care of myself and we'd have set nights where nothing else could be on the agenda but our relationship.

prompt for tomorrow: why do you want to be under someone else's control? because i hate vanilla dating and don't know how to really slow down until i find someone else that makes me enjoy all of it.  that sounds trite and demanding but in the rest of my world i am always on, in charge of something, being asked to do something high level or forward facing.  at home i have to take care of mom and the house and the bills.  part of my desire to surrender is finding someone that is strong enough to take on my stress and mess and find beauty in making me not only His but better.  it takes a strong man with a strong identity to even catch my attention.  it takes a smart, funny, kind of engaging man to keep it.  in order for me to really let go though i need to feel safe enough to follow him.  when that is the case nothing can stop my devotion.  i miss those men.


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i'm making the viola davis grabbing her bag and leaving face right now

Thursday, April 28, 2022 No comments

prompt: shortened--do you have birthday spankings as part of your dynamic? anything special about them if you do? no because i'm grown and that shit would be weird to me.  nor am i trying to get enough swats in to reach my current age because i'm grown.  if it makes someone else feel all the feels that's cool but i would be cranky at the suggestion let alone us trying it.  

so what i'm taking from this wave of prompts is despite earlier assurances that even if you weren't in a dynamic currently these prompts would be useful to you that i may have been naive.  there's nothing wrong with exploring dynamics in the way that the author has and others surely do.  my real issue right now is if your dynamic doesn't line up or isn't on par with the author's then you will be left confused or wondering if something is missing from your relationship.  i'm fine with hierarchy but not as much without input.  i'm okay with rules and punishment but not just for the sake of having them. i love the idea of talking through what it is we are seeking specifically so we are clear about those wants and needs but making them a contract or guidelines that are inflexible seems boring and dumb for me.  i hope the other two for this week are better otherwise i'll be more motivated to just do the weekly post of prompts than daily.  ah well.


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on the verge of tossing this

Wednesday, April 27, 2022 No comments

prompt for the day: shortened because my brain hurts even processing this one--think of collar substitutes, wear one for a day, how did you feel and what were you focused on?  i don't wear collars so thinking of a substitute to wear for any reason is awkward.  plus i would need to be prepared for this ahead of time which didn't happen.  this is again one of those moments when i think i should remember we're not all the same kinds of submissives.  i know that a collar is the pinnacle of relationship goals for some people and for others a ring or bracelet could achieve the same purpose.  i'd have to have an alternative to a black leather collar if that ever became part of my dynamic.  i cannot wear that daily even if i wanted to so it would need to be a necklace, bracelet or ring.  ahh well. hopefully i resonate more with the rest of the week's prompts.  if not then i may need to either press pause on the daily posts or scrap this endeavor.  i'm getting frustrated and it's not about lack of relationship but more the drastically different perspectives we operate from.


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say what now?

Tuesday, April 26, 2022 No comments

prompt for today: are you voice trained?  does your dominant have a preference on how you communicate with them?  i literally had never heard of this but i think the response would be nope.  since i hadn't heard of it then there is no preference.


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short one

prompt for yesterday: shortened--do you have limits on tech use?  no i never have.  a few doms have asked that i go to bed on a regular schedule but that's about it.

prompt for today: what is protocol and how does it enhance your service?  i know that protocols have been ways in which a dynamic functions and we agree to various exchanges as part of submission.  they have never motivated my service thus far.


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to renewal and necessary endings

Sunday, April 24, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Do you have a meditation and relaxation ritual?  What does it entail?  I do not but I will develop one soon enough.  I need more space and time to take care of myself and I would love to do that all in right now because I need to do so but it won't be happening.  It will like entail walking and doing yoga. Let me just say the conference went well.  Even the day long training was fine.  I came home to my house being overrun with things I neither wanted in this space or a good explanation for why they were here.  The only thing I asked for in this new house was no clutter and no BS.  I told mom she needed to go.  I told my brother she needed to go.  Apparently, I'm overreacting according to the two of them but he's not making space for her and I am overtired of making space for her.  To be clear I love my mother but I do not like her.  I do not enjoy living with her and I do not appreciate any of the things she does because it's almost all motivated with some perceived tradeoff she wants to utilize later.  Today I got an alert that the old home was being broken into at that moment.  It was not.  She gave the keys and code to someone who was too stupid to turn off the alarm before it would trip.   I would like to go over and get the rest of my things but I don't want to see her assorted friends.  Because the thing is other people love her to no end.  Think she's the best thing ever.  I don't enjoy her and never will.  I should have known things would go left when we were having semi chill moments before I left interspersed with her you just need to take care of me bullshit.  I'll be delighted if she finally does leave even though I'll hear all about how I'm the worst child ever.  And then I'll roll over and go to sleep.


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next few days

Tuesday, April 19, 2022 No comments

prompt for today: shortened--Do you have any specialized skills related to service/BDSM? not a one unless you count things my body can do to someone else's body that makes them very happy.

prompt for tomorrow: shortened--Do you have any rituals in BDSM? nope not a one, i may have enjoyed this but nothing to speak of.

prompt for Friday: shortened--What is a recent addition to your training? not a bit because i'm not in training right now.

prompt for Saturday: shortened--Write a letter to your body.  girl you tired and you need to rest.  you also need to keep on your diet, get back to working out and resting for real.  you can't do everything and you don't need to try.

I am going to be tied up until Sunday really and thus I am not going to pretend like I'm going to attend to these, especially not in light of what they were asking.  I may add some random things as they are relevant but fuck me trying to do all of the things right now.  Have a good few days.


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alone?

Monday, April 18, 2022 No comments

prompt for today: do you have time alone? is it scheduled into your routine or is it as needed? what do you do with your alone time? kinda want to scream at this one.  the third question would be irrelevant if the first question was no.  no i don't have alone time unless using the bathroom or taking a shower count as alone time.  i can hide in my space but i am a fulltime caretaker and worker and outside of the at home time close to bed then i don't have space for anything really.  it's why i need a fucking vacation and some general fucking.


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rules rules rules

Sunday, April 17, 2022 No comments

prompt: if you have a list of rules, how often are they sorted through, changed or additions made?  don't have them now, didn't have them before so they were never sorted through, changed or additions made.  as i have mentioned over the last few posts i don't know how i would have reacted even if i did have them but right now i can say that it never came up so there's that.  

someone on fet posted this yesterday: "If someone ghosts you, respect the dead and never disturb them again."

gonna admit this is a struggle for me.  while i don't believe that having a final conversation lets everyone go on about their day, i sometimes want that final conversation so that i can put things to bed in my mind.  i'm gonna say sometimes because it really depends on how we end things.  if it was a spiteful end then fuck you and your feelings.  i only spoke to Mr. Wolf once after he released me and that conversation did not go well both because of what he was asking and how he went about it.  we didn't talk after that and i have no idea what he said about me at that stage.  if it held to type i was all sorts of bitches who didn't know what they really wanted or needed.  based on his blog i think he was realizing that it just wasn't a good fit because of how we both saw the world but yeah i didn't read that until after he died.  contrast that with RS, GN or the Dutchman.  while i'm talking to GN now so we're able to work through some things, it took a long time and i was hurt by his lack of connection after we had such a long relationship.  He and RS just kinda vanished.  that shit hurt a lot.  i'm not reaching out to RS anymore but it's only because i don't have a way to do so.  i emailed him maybe a year after our last contact and the email address had been deactivated.  i see the Dutchman who i think i'm gonna start calling DM and Mr. Wolf MW so i can stop typing this out each time.  anyway i see DM on fet pretty routinely.  i know he's okay and i know that he doesn't want to talk to me.  i'm still struggling with that.  He was just gone from me one day and the last time i saw him in person we may have been around each other for maybe 20 minutes before he had to go.  but i miss him like i missed GN and RS.  except it was different and more raw and it still sucks.  i sent a message a few days ago actually and recognized he would most likely not respond.  but instead of saying it was okay like normal i said that it hurt because it does.  regardless, after sending it and saying it sucks that he will never say anything in response more than likely, i felt lighter.  i am going to try my best to leave him alone.  


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randomness check in

Saturday, April 16, 2022 No comments

i'm about halfway through the writing prompts and whereas it was feeling very productive and self reflective early in the process, i'm not getting that so much anymore.  it's not that it couldn't be but these prompts are, as i have mentioned before, mostly written from the perspective of someone that is coupled in a very "formal" kind of dynamic with expressed rules and expectations and punishments.  my dynamics have had those loosely and real life impacted the ability for any of them to be enacted and enforced.  i'm not sure if i would have enjoyed the dynamics more or less if they had been enacted and enforced. i have no way of knowing at this point and the people that had engaged with me in the past aren't doing so now so there's no redo on that.  i feel like anyone that i meet now would have to deal with me testing them a bit to figure out how we mesh up or if we mesh up.  not a full on brat but more hesitant to be sure.   i still believe in that rush of NRE but i'm not leaping forward into what that could be without taking more time and figuring out what feels good both physically/sexually and emotionally/psychologically.  i'm not necessarily looking for a forever partner but long-term sure.  if it became forever, i wouldn't be upset but right now i'm just looking for a good fit on all levels.  not perfect because we can grow together if we are clicking.  but not so out of sync that we are forcing things to work.  been there and done that.  t-shirt isn't worth it.  but on the real, i'm happy and chilling.  things/people/situations will present when they are ready and not a moment sooner.  okay, off to watch dumb tv and eat leftoevers.


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this is gonna be a rough section

prompt: what are your Dominant's daily expectations of you? when i had one and at certain points in time in the relationship it was to get some sleep as my sleep cycle is trash, to check in regularly--not daily necessarily but regularly, and to let them know if i was having and problems.  nothing major, guessing because for the most part we have not lived together and because i'd probably not do them anyway.


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i cannot stress enough that i need rest

Friday, April 15, 2022 No comments

prompt for yesterday: what is your favorite rule?  this would imply i have rules which to date i have not.  outside of my Dominant partners pretty much all renaming me and that be what i respond to there's been nothing firmly in place that was a rule i regularly followed.  and even the name thing was kind of organic not a formal hey you are being renamed because i want to call you xyz.  

prompt for today: what do you know of your Dominant's reasons for the rules and orders you are to follow? why does he request these things? what is he trying to teach you?  single and no rules so there's that.  this hasn't come up for me at this point so yeah can't really delve into this.


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You know that's not quite right

Wednesday, April 13, 2022 No comments

Prompt: What do you think is the biggest misconception from the outside world regarding BDSM?  I am not sure there is one primary one.  The two that come to mind the most readily is that people in BDSM are broken in some profound way and that everyone is just into kinky sex without regards to the power dynamics that are in play for a lot of us.  There are broken people everywhere and there are not more of them in BDSM.  It's just when they make the news it highlights the bad behavior of someone who was a predator and found a home in the community that welcomes in exiles.  Just like other communities though we are annoyed, embarrassed, angry and want the person punished not to have to explain that they were not representative of the rest of the community.  I do have kinky sex but I have kinky sex with people that I choose to surrender control to as part of our relationship dynamic.  I don't want to be in charge, to lead, to fuss or to do anything other than submit to the will of my chosen partner.  I rarely have kinky sex these days because I'm single.  No preferred penis, no submissive stance, no kinky sex.  And the surrender has to happen outside of the bedroom in order for it to be even slightly enjoyable.


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just use the force

Tuesday, April 12, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Are there areas that you have pushed yourself to explore?  Are there areas you want to explore but need someone to make you?  Related to submission, I think the only area that I "forced" myself to explore was polyamory.  Forced is a strong word here.  I was in a situation where I had two different Dominant options that presented different opportunities and I wanted to explore what that would look like.  Turns out it looked confusing and not viable but not because it was a bad idea necessarily but because we couldn't accomplish the first thing with open communication among all parties.  I think force won't work on me as much as coercion.  Not in the if you don't do x I'll punish you or abandon you or what have you kind of sense.  More so in the questioning, listening, coaxing and then encouraging kind of way.  That has worked amazingly well.


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breaking things

Monday, April 11, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Discuss the last time that you broke a rule. What happened?  Have you broken that rule before?  Do you think it is one that you may break again?  Doesn't really apply to me.  I don't have a lot of rules and thus haven't broken many of any thing along the way.  I think the only thing I was asked to do--not a rule--was to check in with Mr. Wolf regularly.  That's not how I function so I couldn't wrap my head around that.  I tried but gave up quickly.  It's not something I think I would agree to do in the future.


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this one doesn't apply either

Sunday, April 10, 2022 No comments

prompt for today: what has changed in your dynamic this past year? is it a positive or negative change? how has it affected your serve (service maybe)? well pandemic happened to all of us but i'm single so nope nothing has changed in my dynamic over this last year.  i'm on better terms with one ex, another passed away, and still a third reminded me that i didn't matter to him in the same way he mattered to me.  i'd say i'm tilting negative but really it's a status quo thing.  it has not impacted my service because i'm not in a position to serve anyone.  i'm hungry.  let me find something to eat and i'll be back.  okay back until i go make dinner. honestly, i'm trying to get over and through---permanently--my ex Dom so i can find the right person to partner with in the future.  it's hard to ponder as i don't seem to know where i might meet that person even if i wanted to do so.  maybe i'll just be a gray haired lady with a cat and a dog in the future that travels randomly and comes back and tells my pets all about it later.


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to quote the princess bride: life is pain

Saturday, April 09, 2022 No comments


 

Prompt for today: If SM is part of your dynamic, explain how pain works for you.  Is it a sexual turn-on, a healing release, a spiritual moment, a session of giving?  So I read this question and then had to realize that pain is not a part of everyone's dynamic.  This may be one of my longer responses recently.  Pain is everything.  If I'm being flogged, fisted, spanked, paddled, scratched, hit or what have you the release of endorphins both gives me peace and makes me horny.  Yeah it's a weird contradiction but I can't really enjoy you if you cannot hurt me.  There's a momentary exception for rope play but not really because I zone out from the restriction and we're back to happy town and orgasms.  Generally speaking in exchange for taking the pain my partner inflicts, their sadism needs are fed.  It's a welcome exchange of needs and gratification.  If the right notes have been hit as it were the whole thing will make me cry which is another kind of release.  Not the sad tears, not even pain tears, just relief tears.  Pain is one of the few things that slows me down enough to sit still and feel.  One of my non kinky friends told me a million years ago that the men that willingly hurt me probably won't fall in love with me and I'm gonna be honest I was offended at the time.  Looking back on it now I can't say he's wrong.  GN liked stretching me out and choking me but nothing that ever really sent me off into ridiculous pain town.  Mr. Wolf spanked me and tied me up and I enjoyed both of those things.  He fisted me a few times as well.  I came hard but that was the point.  He wanted to make me cum.  If he was trying to hurt me that never really happened thus there was not cathartic pain release involved.  The one time I cried with him wasn't tied to him hurting me but rather the Dutchman hurting me and then leaving without doing it again or allowing my brain to adjust to what was happening.  So that wasn't the good cry, it was the abandoned cry.  But I guess to get back to the prompt, pain for me is an integral part of the whole process.  I can still enjoy lots of things related to our play but nothing that comes close to if the pain is actively a part of  the process.


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friday fun

Friday, April 08, 2022 No comments

Prompt for yesterday: What has been the most difficult hurdle to cross?  I have no idea what to say here.  It doesn't feel D/s centric but in that sense I think the most difficult thing to handle is dealing with not having the person you want be your person anymore.  That sucks and it isn't fun to experience but there's no way to adjust that so I just let time run and attempt to feel better.

Prompt for today: Are you a social person? What would you do if your Dominant wished you not to socialize? Would you be able to obey their wishes comfortably, or would you feel the request was unnatural for you?  This question was longer than my thoughts on it.  I'm not super social so staying home and not hanging out wouldn't hurt my feelings or change my life much.  If it is social at work well I can't do my job to some extent so that won't work.

i thought last night as i wasn't typing this about the rain.  if you've been around a minute then you know the rain was very important to me and RS a million years ago.  rain made me miss him and want him in equal doses.  turns out that's a fetish of sorts, i can achieve orgasm without it clearly but a good orgasm during a good storm is a thing of beauty.  that's called ombrophilia.  completely different than the kind of watery based activity that the Dutchman sparked interest in later.  that is definitely not called ombrophilia.  it's urophilia or urolangia if we wanna be technically but piss play works as well.  i'm just sharing this randomly because yeah i can.


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y'all it's been a lot lol

Wednesday, April 06, 2022 No comments

the last few days i legit have just come home, cooked, did some work and passed the fuck out.  my bad for not posting but yeah that routine did not say sit up and boot up the computer.  let me just say these are a series of WTF prompts for me.  i know that some people have done, would do, any of these things willingly.  i also know that at one point i contemplated the prompt for today but i don't think it would have the effect now that it may have had when i fantasized about it a billion years ago.  gonna try to answer these without just turning off the computer and saying nope.

prompt for monday: how would you train someone else to serve your dominant if you were asked to do so? probably not, i'm not trained and it would be a whole lot of stumbling around and frustration.  plus if he wants her trained i'm not doing that cause i'm gonna be in my feelings.  sharing won't work for me unless i'm secure and thus far security has not been in play.

prompt for yesterday: would you ever go through some training with a dominant that was not you own? what for? not sure and not sure.  training seems to be grating on my hypothetical nerves right now so i'm not sure what it would be for or why i would do it.

prompt for today: do you spend time in a cage or confined area?  how does it make you feel? why are you placed there? nope and think one of two things would happen right now if it was attempted.  i'd fall asleep because i'm just too tired to deal with the fuckery OR i'd be anxious as fuck and wig out. 


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i have thoughts, lots of them, so buckle up

Sunday, April 03, 2022 No comments

Prompt for yesterday: What lost art or etiquette lesson do you think would brighten service to your Dominant?  Honestly I don't know.  Mr. Wolf was fascinated with the 50s house wife motif and it was one of my favorite dress up roles.  I love cooking and baking from scratch so that's not something I'd struggle to do.  I can't imagine anyone wanting me to sew but I can do that as well.  I enjoy gardening.  I could host a dinner party as easily as I could plan a progressive dinner party.  I know a ridiculous amount about sports, cars, and stereotypical boy interests.  I don't know much about smoking but that's because I don't like the smell and it would trigger an asthma attack in the past.  I guess I could learn how to perform a cigar service if they were interested but the men who like to smoke cigars, in general, are not men that I enjoy serving.  Their energy has felt off for me thus far.  There's always an exception to the rule but that's where it would be now.  Maybe cleaning more because I only like cleaning when I'm cranky.  The rest of the time I'm fucking tired and want a nap.

Prompt for today: Is there something you never thought you would do but are considering with your current partner? Don't have a current partner as all of you know.  With my immediate past dynamics, I didn't think I'd attempt or enjoy polyamory.  I can say that I didn't enjoy it because what I thought would make it successful was off the table.  I had no relationship with Mr. Wolf's girls and Mr. Wolf refused to interact with the Dutchman.  So I was floating between relationships and anxious a lot more than I probably wanted to be most of the time.  So that's a global didn't think I would attempt or consider.  A more specific one is when I helped the Dutchman break my brain with urine play.  After I got over the initial hesitation, I figured out that with the right person I really enjoyed that.  Didn't work for everyone but that's neither here nor there.


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I appreciate the lack of April Fools Jokes this year

Friday, April 01, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: What do you do to define your work mindset from your submissive one?  Or something like that.  My work mindset has to be damn near polar opposite my submissive mindset.  If I sit back and let other people handle things, a lot of things will never get accomplished.  I have to be as in charge as my role will allow me and then I have to tackle as much as I can week in and week out.  When I submit, I don't really want to think about what I'm wearing let alone anything else.  There have been moments where that happened yes but they weren't consistent because most of the time my Dominant partners have had enough on their plate so that micromanaging me was not an option really.  It's what I'd desire though.

And as the title says, I'm good on the lack of April Fool's jokes this year and really probably forever.  They aren't usually very funny and can be kinda hurtful.  I really just want to relax and mind my business.


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