randomness check in

Saturday, April 16, 2022

i'm about halfway through the writing prompts and whereas it was feeling very productive and self reflective early in the process, i'm not getting that so much anymore.  it's not that it couldn't be but these prompts are, as i have mentioned before, mostly written from the perspective of someone that is coupled in a very "formal" kind of dynamic with expressed rules and expectations and punishments.  my dynamics have had those loosely and real life impacted the ability for any of them to be enacted and enforced.  i'm not sure if i would have enjoyed the dynamics more or less if they had been enacted and enforced. i have no way of knowing at this point and the people that had engaged with me in the past aren't doing so now so there's no redo on that.  i feel like anyone that i meet now would have to deal with me testing them a bit to figure out how we mesh up or if we mesh up.  not a full on brat but more hesitant to be sure.   i still believe in that rush of NRE but i'm not leaping forward into what that could be without taking more time and figuring out what feels good both physically/sexually and emotionally/psychologically.  i'm not necessarily looking for a forever partner but long-term sure.  if it became forever, i wouldn't be upset but right now i'm just looking for a good fit on all levels.  not perfect because we can grow together if we are clicking.  but not so out of sync that we are forcing things to work.  been there and done that.  t-shirt isn't worth it.  but on the real, i'm happy and chilling.  things/people/situations will present when they are ready and not a moment sooner.  okay, off to watch dumb tv and eat leftoevers.


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