rules rules rules

Sunday, April 17, 2022

prompt: if you have a list of rules, how often are they sorted through, changed or additions made?  don't have them now, didn't have them before so they were never sorted through, changed or additions made.  as i have mentioned over the last few posts i don't know how i would have reacted even if i did have them but right now i can say that it never came up so there's that.  

someone on fet posted this yesterday: "If someone ghosts you, respect the dead and never disturb them again."

gonna admit this is a struggle for me.  while i don't believe that having a final conversation lets everyone go on about their day, i sometimes want that final conversation so that i can put things to bed in my mind.  i'm gonna say sometimes because it really depends on how we end things.  if it was a spiteful end then fuck you and your feelings.  i only spoke to Mr. Wolf once after he released me and that conversation did not go well both because of what he was asking and how he went about it.  we didn't talk after that and i have no idea what he said about me at that stage.  if it held to type i was all sorts of bitches who didn't know what they really wanted or needed.  based on his blog i think he was realizing that it just wasn't a good fit because of how we both saw the world but yeah i didn't read that until after he died.  contrast that with RS, GN or the Dutchman.  while i'm talking to GN now so we're able to work through some things, it took a long time and i was hurt by his lack of connection after we had such a long relationship.  He and RS just kinda vanished.  that shit hurt a lot.  i'm not reaching out to RS anymore but it's only because i don't have a way to do so.  i emailed him maybe a year after our last contact and the email address had been deactivated.  i see the Dutchman who i think i'm gonna start calling DM and Mr. Wolf MW so i can stop typing this out each time.  anyway i see DM on fet pretty routinely.  i know he's okay and i know that he doesn't want to talk to me.  i'm still struggling with that.  He was just gone from me one day and the last time i saw him in person we may have been around each other for maybe 20 minutes before he had to go.  but i miss him like i missed GN and RS.  except it was different and more raw and it still sucks.  i sent a message a few days ago actually and recognized he would most likely not respond.  but instead of saying it was okay like normal i said that it hurt because it does.  regardless, after sending it and saying it sucks that he will never say anything in response more than likely, i felt lighter.  i am going to try my best to leave him alone.  


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