let's just kiss and say good-bye

Thursday, June 30, 2022 No comments

A few days ago i logged off of Fetlife maybe for the last time.  Outside of looking at one man and arbitrarily reading what was on Kinky and Popular, I wasn't engaging as much as I used to do.  The threads started to feel antagonistic or just weren't interesting to me.  That's a by product of my own age and reactions to people that are maybe not being a jackass but that's how I'm reading them.  I removed the default Fet tabs on my mobile devices and it's surprisingly easy to not go back there.  I can check email for any necessary updates but really the space isn't great for me so I should probably step away.  And the last time I was on, I read a thread or post by someone that was resonating for me only to see they were based near the DM and then that they were friends with him.  My annoyance was way higher than it should be.  It doesn't matter that they are friends or if they interact.  He's made his thoughts clear on interacting with me and that's what matters.  It's even more of a reason not to hang out there.  I don't miss him in the way that I used to but that space and our connection reshaped my life so yeah don't want to keep revisiting it.  I'm not sure what will be the next iteration of my submissive life.  I am pretty sure that it won't be found on Fetlife though.  I'm going to finish the rest of the prompts in the submissive guide journal and then I'll reevaluate where I am.  Some of the prompts have been great but I haven't had the awakening that I was hoping for as of yet.


weekly posts number 9

Monday, June 27, 2022 No comments

Prompt for yesterday: How do you stay focused on service?  I don't know that I do on a daily basis.  When I'm coupled it can slip if I'm not in regular contact with my partner because of other demands that I have on my time and energy.

Prompt for today: What happens when you are not in the mood to submit?  Then I don't submit.  I don't pretend to submit.  I'm pretty honest and we just don't delve into that aspect for a while.

Prompt for tomorrow: What do you need that you are currently not getting?  Regular support and correction.  But I'm single so there's a part of that.

Prompt for Wednesday: Complete this sentence "I knew I was a submissive when I was willing to delve into some things sexually that were not terribly interesting to me but made my partner happy and when I was performing for him in ways that pleased him.

Prompt for Thursday: What have you done today to honor yourself?  Got my hair done, got food I liked, ignored my mother.

Prompt for Friday: Do you struggle with sub drop? How are you cared for during this time?  Yes I do from time to time.  I usually need to eat and sleep then shower to reconnect to myself and the world.

Prompt for Saturday: shortened: Write a letter to yourself to read during sub drop.  Yeah this would be useless so I'm gonna skip it.


Struggle bus now boarding, passenger manifest: just me

Sunday, June 19, 2022 No comments

Y'all, I have been working on completing a project that I thought would be fun to do in conjunction with other people and what I have realized is I can't ever do this kind of project again lol.  Well not without setting some new parameters.  Trying to be respectful of my collaborators meant my time was stretched in ways I  wasn't anticipating and I had to pick up a lot of slack that really didn't have the time or energy for in the middle of all the other shit I do.  That's part of my current struggle.  I had to wait until my body said okay bitch you good to finish a chapter I started when it was clear we were going to be missing at least one.  Side note, I know I need to drink more water but the combination of new meds and dumb heat dehydrated the fuck out of me and I was literally in tears Friday night as my lower body cramped for fun and I flooded my system with water.

So yeah I'm tired.  I'm trying to stay awake because I had a crazy dream about losing my wallet and backpack when I was on a business trip and somehow started looking at tiny houses a university was providing to their employees to offset the cost of living.  That and I've hit the point that you get a headache from sleeping too much.  That shit is for the birds so really trying to remain conscious right now.  My dad died a month before father's day and this marks my 22nd without him.  I'm not depressed but it is making me introspective about the things I don't have with or from him.  Limited photos, no presence for major accomplishments in my life like this project, and he's not around to harass my nieces.  At least we found the stories he used to tell us so my brother could read them to them as kids.

And as my brain struggles to find reasons to stay awake I started thinking about something I read that was shared from a pastor.  I don't particularly like the pastor involved but I've been seeing the same sentiment from lots of people.  If opportunities keep disappearing or doors are being closed to you then be grateful but also accept it.  I was telling GN early this morning as I was wrapping my project, that Fetlife is kinda dormant for me right now.  At least the parts that would make me want to connect to it.  The kinky people in larger locales have started meeting in person again.  That means fewer virtual connections and events so the little bit of community that had built up is slipping away.  I haven't met anyone on Fet in probably the last year that I wanted to get to know better.  Or if I did, it was clear we were not looking for the same things pretty quickly.  Some of my delay was my own healing but it's been years since I was in a functional D/s dynamic. Maybe this just isn't a door I'm meant to walk through anymore.  I know that vanilla relationships are unappealing as a whole but I'm not sure what to do if NOTHING or NO ONE is crossing my path in the kink realm that makes me think yep he's gonna be it.  I'm tired in general right now so maybe not the best time to make sweeping declarations but it's on my mind.


Weekly Posts Part 8

I have to admit I like the weekly check ins better.  I can think about a lot of things at once and if my life goes nuts midweek, like it will this week, then I don't have to feel bad about posting late or double posting or just saying fuck it.

Prompt for today: Is it possible to live without doubts? Can doubts be a positive thing to have?  I do not think it's possible to live without doubts.  Only because I have never experienced something that I thought was a sure bet.  The doubts usually help me prepare and that's a good thing.  Even if they stress me out, I would prefer the performance stress than just knowing things are fine or may be fine or could be fine lol.  Having doubts about everything is not great but if it motivates you to do or be better then I see this as a good thing.

Prompt for tomorrow: Do you find a sense of security in service or being owned?  Security is one word for it.  I think for me it's more about peace.  I am peaceful when I am owned.  There's security in peace to be sure but it's about peace.  There's someone that I can talk to about all of my weirdness and someone that I can relate to about being coupled in this moment.  Someone who finds me worthy and appreciates my service or pain tolerance or whatever it is they appreciate. 

Prompt for Tuesday: Define the work kinky in your sexuality? I'm not sure how to define this.  My basic sex life would look kind of vanilla if you just watched the actions.  Penis in vagina or mouth or anus.  I can be on top or take a pounding.  There's likely some moaning and giggling.  Where I think it delves into kinky is part of that is driven by the roles we are in and the name calling, debasement, degradation and ways in which my partner amps me up before penis comes near me. Then there's the rope or breath play, the heavy spankings, the edging or forced orgasms and the piss play.  My kinky to me reads normal but I think once you get past the giggling it's kinky to other people.

Prompt for Wednesday: Is it wrong to believe in something or someone without proof?  I don't think so provided your belief isn't harming anyone.  Believing in your partner is pretty standard and we have limited information to say it is a justified belief initially.  The longer we are together the more we know we were wrong or right.  Believing that JFK is coming back to install your deposed king well yeah that's harmful to you, your family and the country in general.  Or telling folks the earth is flat for some strange reason.  Those are problematic but if it's not something that is damaging then go for it.

Prompt for Thursday: What gives you more energy: spending time time alone or around people?  Spending time alone.  I don't dislike people but paying attention to the conversations and personalities and what not can be exhausting. 

Prompt for Friday: Compose a bucket list?  Travel more, new passport stamps, lose weight, enjoy life, find a new kinky partner.

Prompt for Saturday: Do you feel your life is in balance?  Is there something you should be doing more or less to maintain balance?  Oh my life is a hot mess but I'm working on it.  I need to do better about self care and stress management.  I need to say no more and I need to pursue my interests more.  I was nailing it a few years ago but I was also trying to be better for DM but yeah that's not motivation right now.


Weekly Posts Part 7

Sunday, June 12, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: shortened How has spiritually impacted your submission?  I don't know that is has.  I am a more spiritual than religious person by nature mostly because I think organized religion now feels kind of like a racket.  My Dominant partners have either been religious or bordering on atheism.  I almost converted for RS even though he knew I would likely never practice Catholicism but I wouldn't get in the way of his faith.  GN was religious as well but not as intensely devoted to his faith.  I appreciated their view point and what it meant for them but I couldn't relate.  The Dutchman was firmly in his atheism and Mr. Wolf just didn't seem to be invested in religion nor did Emperor outside of religious play which hey clearly is coming from somewhere.  If I was invested in the religion I was raised in it tells me to be submissive to my husband who is submissive to God but leads us.  Problem is the religious men I've met outside of D/s are not ones I'd follow around the corner let alone into submission.

Prompt for tomorrow: shortened How does where you live effect your submission?  In my case, it is hard to be out about my submission or find new partners easily.  I don't think I could wear a collar even discretely around here without anyone asking about it and I couldn't dress in the ways that DM (tired of typing Dutchman) would have wanted without it drawing attention back at work.  I don't have submissive friends here and I don't socialize with anyone.  It kind of sucks.  It would be easier in a larger city that wasn't as conservative. 

Prompt for Tuesday: How do you feel about pride?  Can a submissive have pride in their service?  Of course, you should have pride in everything you do well.

Prompt for Wednesday: shortened What would your biography say?  She was short loud and talked a lot.  She cared about people and things and wanted to make the world better for everyone.  She liked to read, cook, travel, eat and music.  She loved her family, things that hurt her physically, sex and Prince.  Wherever she is now, she's thrilled if her dad and Prince are somewhere nearby.

Prompt for Thursday: How do you maintain your focus?  Do you have a specific mindset you strive for every day?  Can't say that I do.  I focus on the tasks that need to get done on a given day but that doesn't mean I've focused really.  And I have no mindset other than don't go crazy and hurt people.  That's mostly stress induced though.

Prompt for Friday: shortened What is your inner monologue like?  Honestly, unless I'm working on something or missing people my brain is usually pretty quiet.  I have music in my head a lot but not my own voice.  When it is there, it's not really positive or negative but anxious and trying to sort through things.

Prompt for Saturday: Do you find honesty hard if you know it will cause someone pain? Is it easier to be honest with yourself or someone else?  I try to soften thing that will hurt people but lack of honesty can just create headaches later.  I'm more honest with myself but I don't enjoy lying so I try to be direct when I can.


Taking care of myself when I'm absolutely tired

Tuesday, June 07, 2022 No comments

I have mentioned before that I have insomnia.  It flares up from time to time especially if my body is throwing a tantrum.  I'm having a flare with my HS which is milder than it has been but still throws a wrench in how I'm feeling.  It's also the first one I've had in six weeks so really I can't complain because it had been constant for several months before I saw the dermatologist.  I was also stressed because once again my very well liked PCP left her practice and I thought well let's reboot things.  I wanted to talk to a doctor who also specialized in weight issues but of those in town one is a friend, one is only taking on new patients if you are related to a current patient and a different one relocated.  I gave up at that stage.  I would have gone in on Thursday but realized I had a schedule conflict so tried to contact the old PCP's office who said they'd call in refills until I guess they realized I didn't want to see any of them--I didn't--and said I'd have to see someone else and I should have been out of meds already so I must not really need them essentially.  I was doing the whole how fast can I get in and see someone but hate rushing so instead I tried telehealth which got me another month to find my new generalist.  

Taking care of myself is annoying.  Not in the that I hate to have to do it but this shit is dumb.  We have to hunt to find doctors that take us seriously and who take our insurance and that can see us when we need to be seen versus months down the road.  I have my regular self care scheduled but this physical body health shit is a pain in the ass right now.  I don't know if it's more or less annoying today because I'm moody about it being Prince's birthday.  I miss him, a lot.  I miss the possibility of a new song becoming my favorite song or the goofy clearly dad jokes he was starting to tell and the eye rolls and facial expressions and the feeling of just being embraced in a room full of strangers because we all connected to that 5'2 maestro.  No one can replace him which also kind of sucks but is for the best as well.  I've also been getting a ton of email from people unable to do things they need to do for lots of reasons.  That is also getting on my nerves at the moment.  Like everything is getting on my nerves right now.  I miss my dad, I miss Prince, my body is nuts and shit is hard.  Plus I'm tired fat and single.  None of this is what I signed up for in the cosmic soup--I'm pretty sure I would have sent that back.

I saw really cute collars before I tried to go to bed the first time.  It made me reflect on how many I had personally owned--the answer would be none if you're new around here.  I can't ask most of my former partners about why that is the case now and I shouldn't pick on GN because he did answer but when you're feeling bad and looking back it's easy to start feeling bad about all the things that you didn't have.  The trappings of what could have been but never were.  Like the back tattoo that I still haven't gotten would have been much more elaborate and dark honestly if I had gotten it when I was still with Dutch because we discussed the piece in terms of stitching my skin back together instead of what it ended up becoming.  I'm really just feeling needy and wanting someone else to pick up my emotional and physical slack.  Since I know that won't be happening then I just need to relax and be still.  I'll take some aleve before I go to work and hopefully that helps me sleep again tonight.


just a quickie--forgot some stuff

Monday, June 06, 2022 No comments

Trying to reconnect to myself again.  I'm always busy and am not always taking care of myself in the way I should be.  Even though it got rained out today, tennis is restarting and I'm looking forward to that.  I'm starting to cook more again and I really enjoy that.  I found out today my passport renewal was approved so while I shave a year off my old one I'm good through 2032 now and don't have to worry about traveling in the spring when I plan on going.  I need to find a new PCP and a new workout routine.  My body is upset with me and I am upset with myself.  I need to finish a few more engagements before I jump on anything else and I am overtired because the stuff I have to do eats up so much time.

I haven't been sharing a lot of thoughts on fetlife lately mostly because I really only care about one person reading them and as best I can tell he gave up on me six or seven months ago.  But thinking about a recent dumb interaction just made me remember why I used to enjoy fet and kink in general.  There were different kinds of men there then.  Both online and in real life.  Those men weren't always gentlemen based on the conversations that ensued but they were entertaining and that was a benefit.  I even made some good friends as a result.  Now though, most of them are either off fet or in really involved relationships which I do not begrudge them.  And in their wake they have left pale imitators or men who cannot handle being just friends or corrected or engaging if no sex is going to be involved.  It makes it hard to remember why kink appeals to me sometimes.  I know I can't date vanilla though, not and really be happy, so I'm kind of at a stalemate.  Maybe someone will arrive with a good one liner again but more than likely I'll turn into that munch scene bottom for those learning to play hard and go on home dripping.


Weekly Post A Day Early

Saturday, June 04, 2022 No comments

Prompt for Sunday: Write a submissive pledge for yourself.  Write about the things you can control.  I think I must feel like the people I put on the spot in my real life right now.  I don't know if I could write a pledge that I would adhere to in the long run.  Mostly because if there's a way to beat myself up about something not in my control at all like distance, airfare and communication styles.  I just did some googling to see if I could find submissive pledges and they look like marital vows or odd poetry so those were of no use to me and how my brain works.  Someone make me revisit this the next time I'm in a dynamic because right now I'm only trying to take care of myself and breathe.

Prompt for Monday: What is the essential core of submission for you?  I don't know.  I haven't thought about this at all.  Again I may too literal but I don't know that there's a core of submission for me.  I'm motivated by different versions of the same things usually.  I want some peace and safety and to belong to someone that can pull out the depravity that I keep stored away out of fear most of the time.  So I need strength and kink.

Prompt for Tuesday: What is the one quality you think most subs possess?  A desire to not be in complete control but that's it.  Why we are there and what we want to get from submission seems to come from a different place for everyone even when we are using the same language.

Prompt for Wednesday: shortened--Do you procrastinate?  Can you adjust to other schedules?  Yes and yes.  I will always delay things that could have been done in a heartbeat because sometimes I need to focus elsewhere.  However, if I'm with a group or we have other things that need to happen on a set schedule I can adjust to that.

Prompt for Thursday: shortened--What does protect the property mean to you?  Is this a rule you have to have in your relationship?  This means nothing to me really.  I read this before my nap and was thinking in the literal D/s old guard high service kind of way and that the submissive is the property and has to be aware of when they will be damaged so they can prevent it or at least help prevent it.  Since that's never been part of my dynamics, and protecting myself is much easier than it should be maybe, this doesn't resonate for me.

Prompt for Friday: When do you feel the most beautiful?  I don't know that I ever feel beautiful per se.  I feel attractive some days, especially when my hair is cute.  Or when my dominant partner is pleased with me I feel pretty and like a little ball of light floating around.  In general, I just look okay and I'm good with that.

Prompt for Saturday: What are a few of your favorite things?  Music, naps, cartoons, food, tennis and watching some sports.  Oh and traveling.  I love traveling.  I like seeing new places and trying new foods and then trying to make those foods again later because I also love to cook.  I like to read too.