Struggle bus now boarding, passenger manifest: just me

Sunday, June 19, 2022

Y'all, I have been working on completing a project that I thought would be fun to do in conjunction with other people and what I have realized is I can't ever do this kind of project again lol.  Well not without setting some new parameters.  Trying to be respectful of my collaborators meant my time was stretched in ways I  wasn't anticipating and I had to pick up a lot of slack that really didn't have the time or energy for in the middle of all the other shit I do.  That's part of my current struggle.  I had to wait until my body said okay bitch you good to finish a chapter I started when it was clear we were going to be missing at least one.  Side note, I know I need to drink more water but the combination of new meds and dumb heat dehydrated the fuck out of me and I was literally in tears Friday night as my lower body cramped for fun and I flooded my system with water.

So yeah I'm tired.  I'm trying to stay awake because I had a crazy dream about losing my wallet and backpack when I was on a business trip and somehow started looking at tiny houses a university was providing to their employees to offset the cost of living.  That and I've hit the point that you get a headache from sleeping too much.  That shit is for the birds so really trying to remain conscious right now.  My dad died a month before father's day and this marks my 22nd without him.  I'm not depressed but it is making me introspective about the things I don't have with or from him.  Limited photos, no presence for major accomplishments in my life like this project, and he's not around to harass my nieces.  At least we found the stories he used to tell us so my brother could read them to them as kids.

And as my brain struggles to find reasons to stay awake I started thinking about something I read that was shared from a pastor.  I don't particularly like the pastor involved but I've been seeing the same sentiment from lots of people.  If opportunities keep disappearing or doors are being closed to you then be grateful but also accept it.  I was telling GN early this morning as I was wrapping my project, that Fetlife is kinda dormant for me right now.  At least the parts that would make me want to connect to it.  The kinky people in larger locales have started meeting in person again.  That means fewer virtual connections and events so the little bit of community that had built up is slipping away.  I haven't met anyone on Fet in probably the last year that I wanted to get to know better.  Or if I did, it was clear we were not looking for the same things pretty quickly.  Some of my delay was my own healing but it's been years since I was in a functional D/s dynamic. Maybe this just isn't a door I'm meant to walk through anymore.  I know that vanilla relationships are unappealing as a whole but I'm not sure what to do if NOTHING or NO ONE is crossing my path in the kink realm that makes me think yep he's gonna be it.  I'm tired in general right now so maybe not the best time to make sweeping declarations but it's on my mind.


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