Taking care of myself when I'm absolutely tired

Tuesday, June 07, 2022

I have mentioned before that I have insomnia.  It flares up from time to time especially if my body is throwing a tantrum.  I'm having a flare with my HS which is milder than it has been but still throws a wrench in how I'm feeling.  It's also the first one I've had in six weeks so really I can't complain because it had been constant for several months before I saw the dermatologist.  I was also stressed because once again my very well liked PCP left her practice and I thought well let's reboot things.  I wanted to talk to a doctor who also specialized in weight issues but of those in town one is a friend, one is only taking on new patients if you are related to a current patient and a different one relocated.  I gave up at that stage.  I would have gone in on Thursday but realized I had a schedule conflict so tried to contact the old PCP's office who said they'd call in refills until I guess they realized I didn't want to see any of them--I didn't--and said I'd have to see someone else and I should have been out of meds already so I must not really need them essentially.  I was doing the whole how fast can I get in and see someone but hate rushing so instead I tried telehealth which got me another month to find my new generalist.  

Taking care of myself is annoying.  Not in the that I hate to have to do it but this shit is dumb.  We have to hunt to find doctors that take us seriously and who take our insurance and that can see us when we need to be seen versus months down the road.  I have my regular self care scheduled but this physical body health shit is a pain in the ass right now.  I don't know if it's more or less annoying today because I'm moody about it being Prince's birthday.  I miss him, a lot.  I miss the possibility of a new song becoming my favorite song or the goofy clearly dad jokes he was starting to tell and the eye rolls and facial expressions and the feeling of just being embraced in a room full of strangers because we all connected to that 5'2 maestro.  No one can replace him which also kind of sucks but is for the best as well.  I've also been getting a ton of email from people unable to do things they need to do for lots of reasons.  That is also getting on my nerves at the moment.  Like everything is getting on my nerves right now.  I miss my dad, I miss Prince, my body is nuts and shit is hard.  Plus I'm tired fat and single.  None of this is what I signed up for in the cosmic soup--I'm pretty sure I would have sent that back.

I saw really cute collars before I tried to go to bed the first time.  It made me reflect on how many I had personally owned--the answer would be none if you're new around here.  I can't ask most of my former partners about why that is the case now and I shouldn't pick on GN because he did answer but when you're feeling bad and looking back it's easy to start feeling bad about all the things that you didn't have.  The trappings of what could have been but never were.  Like the back tattoo that I still haven't gotten would have been much more elaborate and dark honestly if I had gotten it when I was still with Dutch because we discussed the piece in terms of stitching my skin back together instead of what it ended up becoming.  I'm really just feeling needy and wanting someone else to pick up my emotional and physical slack.  Since I know that won't be happening then I just need to relax and be still.  I'll take some aleve before I go to work and hopefully that helps me sleep again tonight.


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