Weekly Posts 14

Sunday, July 31, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Talk about something you grew out of that meant a lot to you at the time.  I'm not sure.  Maybe scrap booking or cross stitching.  I just didn't have the time to do it anymore which was the problem.  I still like them it's just an energy issue.

Prompt for tomorrow: What's the most beautiful place you've ever visited? How did it make you feel at the time? I've probably said this before but Amsterdam.  The old art blended in with the new art and people. The food, the water, the general vibe.  I just felt at peace there.  It was a place that I both overindulged but also didn't conquer everything I could have.

Prompt for Tuesday: What's going great in your life right now? My health is all over the place but work is good.  I will take it.

Prompt for Wednesday: What are some small things your Dominant does that make you feel special?  Strokes my hair, finds something that is important to me and random, gives me a pet name, communicates clearly and regularly. 

Prompt for Thursday: Talk about a book or movie that had a positive impact on your life.  How did it change you?  Hmmm, I can't say anything has changed me but I enjoy movies that let me cry and explore family themes whether they are simple or complicated so from recent memory Black Panther, Coco, Encanto, Jingle Jangle all come to mind and in the past Imitation of Life and Purple Rain.  Book is probably And This Too Shall Pass by E. Lynn Harris or Memnoch the Devil by Anne Rice.

Prompt for Friday: What has been the most remarkable personal victory in your life? Honestly I don't know.  I don't think of events in my life as remarkable.  I like being able to support myself and mom without aid but I would appreciate a cushion of someone else pitching in.

Prompt for Saturday: Make a list of the BDSM or D/s related books you've ever read.  Honestly I haven't read a ton.  So many D/s and BDSM themed books are not written for members of the community.  I read Story of O and it was okay.  I read Beauty's Kingdom and loved it but the other stories were just meh for me.  I enjoyed Diary of a Submissive, both parts but the first more than the second.  Most of the others have had kinky sex but it was not the focus of the book.  If you have recommendations let me know.


Weekly Posts #13

Sunday, July 24, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: When do you feel most at peace with your submission?  When I'm in bed next to my person and we are falling asleep snuggled up together.

Prompt for tomorrow: Describe a time you were proud of yourself?  Graduating from school, buying my second home, being approached to do the work I keep doing.

Prompt for Tuesday: When you're in a bad mood, what can you do to turn your day around?  Good food or good music will do the trick every time.  Prior to COVID a good workout would as well.

Prompt for Wednesday: What makes you happy about the place you live?  I have pretty good vanilla friends and a job I love.

Prompt for Thursday: Complete this thought "The best thing about being a submissive is knowing who I am and how I relate to others."

Prompt for Friday: Describe an event that changed you for the better. Honestly, the death of my father.  It gave me patience and some insight into loss that I don't think I would have had otherwise.  It gutted me to be clear.  And the anniversary of his passing can still throw me for a loop.  But if someone makes me feel as safe and happy as my dad did they don't have to question my devotion to them.  It will be unending.  Well at least until things end and a little bit of time after that.  Then like all things it has to end.

Prompt for Saturday: Do you have a favorite quote that relates to your submission? Not a one.  I find that a lot of quotes on submission are written from a vantage point that I don't share so they don't resonate with me.  

So I have not being using my Kindle app to get to the prompts for months now.  It's annoying to keep making the light stay on and what not.  I have been reading directly from the Amazon site and it reminds me each time I go in that I bought the book on October 18th.  I wrote my first response to a prompt that day and wrote every day for months until three ish months ago when I switched over to the weekly posts.  Well mostly daily, some days life would happen and I'd have to double or triple up to stay on track.  By my math that means we have 80 more prompts to explore, 11 ish weeks of posts remain.  I say 11ish because there will either be a weekly post with more than 7 prompts to wrap them up or a short 12th week to finish it out.  I don't know yet.  I only know that it will be middle of October.  As of now, I still don't know that I got what I wanted from this exercise but it has helped me process some things so I guess there's that.  Now I'm gonna turn in because I'm having a flare with my autoimmune stuff and it's painful.


Weekly Post #12

Sunday, July 17, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Where does sex fall on your list of basic needs?  I don't know that it's very high outside of a relationship.  I like orgasms but I can give myself those at any point in time.  If I'm in a relationship what I'm looking for is typically comfort and honesty and connection.  Sex will follow up after that most of the time.  There are times that the connection is so strong sex comes very early and it solidifies what was already building.  Or it derails it because we are not compatible.  That hasn't happened often but if I force the issue after bad sex the relationship suffers.  Usually because the person doesn't believe it's bad for you if you cum and I can cum if the plane has enough turbulence and I have a good mental image.

Prompt for tomorrow: Is the inner you aligned with the outer you?  No not at all.  Inner me does not want to be in charge at all, not even a little bit.  Inner me wants to stay home, write novels, watch bad porn that makes me horny, edge all day, make dinner and serve my Dominant.  Outer me laughs at inner me because we'd starve if I did that and a bitch likes to eat.

Prompt for Tuesday: shortened Is patience or silence valuable to your submission?  If so what lessons have you learned? They should be but patience is not a virtue I can easily espouse even while I'm trying to be understanding.  Silence I'm better about but maybe too good because by the time I make my needs known it feels like it's coming out of the blue.

Prompt for Wednesday: This is too convoluted to even shorten easily.  Basically what do I like about myself, what are my beliefs, and how does submission enrich my life?  We discussed this last week so I won't rehash most of this.  Actually any of it.  Look at THIS POST.  One or more of the prompts tackles it.

Prompt for Thursday: What are ways you express your submission in public or secret ways you can express it or tap into it without others knowing?  I bought bracelets to wear that said babygirl and cunt in morse code.  I wore them for a while and really enjoyed them. I lost them somewhere in the move and don't feel a pressing need to replace them.  The nickname givers are not regularly in my orbit right now and neither wants to get back together so there's that.

Prompt for Friday: Do you ever have submissive immersion where you have times that your role is more pronounced and you do things that are very structured and very organized?  Only when I used to be able to travel to events.  It's hard to get too deep into submissive routines when you are taking care of a parent who may need you at any moment in time. 

Prompt for Saturday: What flower do you think describes your submission? Why?  I don't know that I have a submissive flower.  I love calla lilies because they come in a wide variety of colors and are so pretty as they grow.  I don't know that it reflects me or my submission at all, I just like them.

Unrelated to any of the above, we lost a relative this week.  They died after a long illness that stole their ability to be independent and act as they had most of their adult life.  That matters for what I am about to say next.  This was not a kind person unless they could use it to either hold it over your head or make someone else look bad.  I feel bad for their children because how we see our parents, especially in death, may not at all reflect the harm they caused use in life.  When my dad died, I thought largely about the memories he wouldn't make with me and that I was losing one of my biggest cheerleaders.  I didn't think about the four divorces, countless affairs, random family configurations that resulted from that, or his inability to be fully engaged with a partner was because he didn't see it in the way he needed to as he was growing up.  My dad was very much an obligation dude when it came to wives but not with us kids.  And even as I say that, not with me and one brother.  If we had been asked to give an honest assessment of his life in that moment we likely wouldn't have been able to do it.  We were blinded by loss not by honesty.  You may have seen a viral story about a son who was named after his father and felt no such compulsion to protect his father's memory.  Several siblings cosigned on the obituary even as the world and the paper that printed it balked.  It made me think about what I'd write about mom and that I shouldn't write it because my view has been influence by nearly 20 years of care taking. That brings me to this relative's death.  The siblings are gathering their thoughts in tribute right now.  I had to ask if they remembered all of this person not just the good stuff and I got what I'm sure lots of folks do when they ask those questions--well they were a good person back in the day.  No one can tell me when that was exactly.  I've got vivid memories of this persons last thirty years and nothing in there would make me gather with family to write up something uplifting.  That's probably a flaw on my part but I'm really glad I have no desire to head to this particular homegoing and that no one is going to expect me to be there.


Weekly Post #11

Sunday, July 10, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Do you or are you the type of person who enjoys being micromanaged?  Why or why not? Legit hate it and hate doing it to other people.  It implies a lack of trust to me and I find it passive aggressive.  There's checking in for progress and then there's being an ogre.

Prompt for tomorrow: Make a gratitude list, each day this week add a new one to the list.  I am grateful I try to take better care of myself, that we sold the house so there are only one set of bills and that I am getting a tiny bit of money back to help pay off these taxes.  I am grateful that I acknowledged that several things were no longer serving me so I'm taking a step back and that I am giving myself and those I have to interact with more grace.  Since this was supposed to be written on Monday, I may wait until Tuesday for updates but who knows.

Prompt for Tuesday: How does love impact your submission to another? I cannot serve someone that I do not love on some level.  It may not be a great passionate love story but I have to care about them in order to be my best self.  For those I do love intensely, my submission is bordering on absolute and I am willing to explore aspects of kink that are not typical for me.

Prompt for Wednesday: Do you consider yourself a patient person? Yes and no.  In some situations my patience is legendary because there's no reason for me to push an agenda.  Things will work out as they should.  In other cases nope not at all.  I'm not terribly patient with my mother because we do not operate in the same manner.  I overheard her earlier flat out making up a conversation we allegedly had in which I was not supportive of something she was doing.  I legit would have encouraged her to do the thing she was doing so that was annoying.  However, instead of forcing the issue, I finished what I was doing and went back to my private space.

Prompt for Thursday: What activity that you engage in involves all your, mind, body and soul?  Cooking probably.  I need to pay attention to the recipes and then tinker with the flavoring.  The timing of random dishes so that the need to be served at the same time.  Coordinating servings and trying to accommodate my mother's overeating if she enjoys it.  Thinking about what might be offered up next.

Prompt for Friday: List what I love about myself.  I love my ability to keep moving forward, my ability to love hard but not easily, that I try to take care of those around me especially those that are important to me, that I try to make things better when I can, my random Jeopardy brain, that I keep trying to do better even when I fail, that life is still a magical journey even when it is frustrating and lonely, and in general I love my weirdness.

Prompt for Saturday: How do you reflect your gender identity in your service?  I'm not sure that I think about it.  I'm a cishet Black woman who typically enjoys being a woman.  I'm not overly girly but will be overtly feminine if it is desired.


Deep Sigh

Wednesday, July 06, 2022 No comments

Y'all I'm able to step back a little.  A MAJOR project is off my plate and I can rest easy now.  Well easier.  I'm committed to my petty play out at home and will rock it until I'm too bored to keep with it.  I have wondered what is happening on Fetlife but since I have no updates in my email account then I know that no one there is actively worried about me.  Well let me say worried about me enough that they are hunting me down.I heard from GN and that was nice.  He does try to check up on me.  The folks in my non kink world are stepping up more than the ones I am affiliated with in kink right now.  Honestly thought I'm not really in deep with that many people so there's that.  I remember having a pseudo active kink group around the time that I met MW and DM.  Back when there were events I could travel to and make nice and just sink into kinky or non kinky conversation.  But slowly after that folks backed away.  One of them began a relationship with MW and kind of ghosted the friendship we had been developing.  Another one was upset I was friends with someone that hurt her but I didn't know the backstory and instead of just asking me to support our friendship she cut me off as well.  I started to realize that another friend was misleading lots of us and I stepped back from her.  Then the events that I could go to dried up and it was awkward to keep reaching out to people that never reached out to me.  I think that's what made actively walking away this time easier.  I was mad the last time I left fet. This time I'm just recognizing that who I am doesn't fit what is active there now.  I don't enjoy arguing.  I love learning new things but I can't do many in person events.  I do miss having a community just like I miss GN and DM randomly.  Not enough to say hey please pay attention to me but enough to know what it was I used to enjoy and what I hope to find again.  Until I do then I will just focus on doing other things.  I need to unpack all of my things and get my room together.  Find a new GP and plan my vacation time.


weekly post #10

Sunday, July 03, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Do you have a meditation ritual related to your submission? What is it like?  I do not.  I honestly probably need one for daily life but meditation is difficult for me on a good day.  On bad days when I really should be invested in it, it's impossible.

Prompt for tomorrow: Do you have a submissive mantra? What is it, and how did you come to use it?  I do not have a submissive mantra either.  I'm not sure what that would look like if I'm being entirely honest.

Prompt for Tuesday: As a general rule, have you found acceptance to be easy or difficult? Is it beneficial to your dynamic?  I honestly did a weird face when this prompt hit my eyes initially.  I was wondering who exactly was supposed to be accepting me to respond to that.  My immediate family and friends don't know a thing about my submissive life.  I don't think they could rectify who I am to them with that version of me.  I'm sure it would be helpful to any relationship I was in to not have to splinter those parts of myself but that is my existence right now.

Prompt for Wednesday: What have you discovered in your service that you never expected?  That I enjoy kneeling.  I don't mean in a posed position cause let's be honest that shit can hurt after a while.  But I mentally enjoy not being in charge so letting myself lower into a submissive mindset is literally one of the most enjoyable things for me.  I get to step out of the dominant spaces I inhabit.  I get to be soft.  I get to be vulnerable.  Things I don't enjoy easily in my normal daily life.

Prompt for Thursday: shortened What is your submissive style, describe it and does this work for you and your partner.  How would you describe your partner's style?  Is it different when you play versus daily?  I am a non age playing little or baby girl primarily.  That is I want to be with a partner that is nurturing and protective with me.  It has worked to my knowledge with all but one of my partners and that was when I wasn't sure what I needed.  My partners are ones that like to take care of me but we have struggled with their definition of caring sometimes.  During play they become more sadistic and I become incredibly masochistic.  I have described myself as a pain slut in those moments and it is true.

Prompt for Friday: When are you most aware of being submissive?  Honestly, when I'm single because there's no outlet for the energy that is just sitting there untapped.

Prompt for Saturday: Are some tasks easier when you are turned on? Probably some sexual tasks but nothing is coming to mind immediately as oh yeah can totally do that more when I'm turned on.  Perhaps the pain tolerance increasing.