Weekly Post #22

Sunday, September 25, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: How will you become a clear mirror if you resent being polished?  I am polished routinely.  I am a Black woman in America who is frequently told by all manner of people that I am not enough.  Sometimes they are right and I work on me.  Other times they are mean and I cry.  Still others they can go fuck themselves.

Prompt for tomorrow: I am not influenced by potential gain, I wish to be useful. This is true to a point.  I don't set out to do things that are set up to make something for me out of nothing.  But I don't always just want to be useful.  That is an effective connection as long as someone needs you.

Prompt for Tuesday: I bend but do not break. Absolutely fucking true.  I'm upset as I write these prompts but if I let it break me I wouldn't function and wouldn't be able to do what I want to do daily.

Prompt for Wednesday: I don't want to be a leader, I want to hold my own and embrace my womanhood to be absolutely dominated.  I don't want to lead like a man.  I don't think I'd mind leading the right group of women.

Prompt for Thursday: I had nothing to hide, I belonged wholly to my master. I have never been able to be entirely exposed but I don't know if it was lack of desire to or lack of opportunity.

Prompt for Friday: I have come close enough to know there is something to the spiritual side of leather. Don't know enough about leather and that part of the lifestyle to say. 

Prompt for Saturday: I may not have gone where I intended to go but ended up where I intended to be.  Very true and it will continue to be the case.  I just hope this next detour is worth the effort.


This will be a double up day

I'm tired y'all.  The kind of tired that sleep doesn't fix.  The kind that a vacation may assist with but may not cure either.  I routinely keep my feelings to myself about lots of things because if I'm not careful then folks will swear I'm being mean as hell.  Some days I may be and I legit don't care.  But most of the time I just mind my business and keep it pushing.  My mother is upstairs rearranging my house again and I'm stuck in my room until the delivery men who didn't come equipped with a screwdriver leave.  At least they are being quick about things.  They have hauled off one thing and are in the process of setting up the other thing already.  And now it's quiet.  I should be happy but what I'm thinking about mostly is that for the last almost 17 years my life has had to rearrange around whatever crazy wants and needs she has with few exceptions.  When I want a break or a breather someone has an opinion about me not appreciating having her in my life and they are right to a degree.  I'd much rather have my dad.  I say that not knowing what challenges he may have right now but our vibe together was different.  When I envisioned grown up me I also thought I'd have pets which I can't have right now because either she's terrified of what I'd really want and doesn't want to help take care of a dog that would be home with her 90 percent of the time.  I'm not sure what I thought I'd be doing socially but the fact that it's usually nothing wasn't on the agenda.  See aforementioned tired so there's that.  Gonna go back to finding something else to do or read or see right now so I can keep my business to myself.


just want somebody to die for and other randomness

Thursday, September 22, 2022 No comments

okay so i am listening to that but i'm actually in a good mood and like breathing so really i'm okay with living.  i was having an annoying painful flare up but finally went in and saw the dermatologist who gave me an injection and i feel like a whole person again.  may change some work stuff in the spring and i'm happy with that.  so now we are on to tennessee whiskey--i'm in a music mood tonight.  i listen to music a lot more lately.  i think that's my cue that i'm feeling better in general but that i'm happier than i have been in a while.  i'm still very single and and i'm not sure that will ever change.  not because it couldn't or i am somehow inherently unlovable but i just ain't looking hard and i'm good with myself.  i'm also very aware of my iffy friend status.  i have people that are my friends but who don't check in on me the same way that i check in on them.   and honestly i knew that was a thing as you aged but it's annoying some days and others i'm good with the peace and quiet.  plus it's not like i could tell some of my random friends i like to be tied up and spanked for the fun of it.  my kink friends either end up splitting off into relationship pods or falling off as we grow in even slightly different areas.  that's a bit more disappointing than the vanilla friends because we do have that in common and then nothing.  sorority life kept me busy the last few months so maybe i'll mix and mingle in that for a while.  maybe i'm more like my dad than i thought.  he was kinda to himself as he got older as well.  gonna let lenny kravitz sing to me a bit and chill out.


insomnia thy name is fuck you very much

Wednesday, September 21, 2022 No comments

i woke up randomly today.  i shouldn't say woke up.  i never really went to sleep.  i was on my way to sleep and then all of a sudden i was wide awake.  i logged into fetlife for the first time in a long time and was surprised there were three friend requests and no messages from would friends.  i didn't ignore them or accept them.  if i don't interact then it doesn't matter in my brain.  i was able to do a quick check in on folks and went on back to my life.  i think that will get me through for another extended period of time.  i've been having some weird sleep issues outside of this bout of insomnia.  some time last week i had a very vivid dream that a young ish dominique simone was being fucked by a pretty basic fuck machine set up while some very lucky dude was licking her clit.  and in the dream i was masturbating like crazy which is what ended up waking me up.  then a few days after that i had a weird round of sleep paralysis that originally felt like someone was trying to kill me and then to have sex with me.  i've been masturbating a bit more than "normal" but i think that just means i'm coming out of my breakup haze.  i've read a few kink inspired books in that time as well and i didn't dream about someone in particular.  i haven't felt a longing for anyone in particular either.  i'm ready for the new person.  i still think he'll have an accent for some reason but it could be southern just as easily as it could be international.


Weekly Post #21

Sunday, September 18, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Everyone can be great because everyone can serve.  Maybe but everyone doesn't serve, doesn't want to serve and wouldn't take direction on how to serve.

Prompt for tomorrow: D/s is a graded activity, levels to accomplish, there is unacceptable behavior and performance.  Meh I guess.

Prompt for Tuesday: Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.  I can't because my mother would end up homeless and I would disappear into the world never to be found again.

Prompt for Wednesday: Go where you are celebrated not tolerated. This is harder for me to do as well.  So many people don't understand me and that's mostly because I have not let them get close.  And I don't feel bad about keeping them at a distance because I watch them and when they approach versus when they do not.  When I have something them some people are all in, when I don't there's radio silence.

Prompt for Thursday: Growth means change and change involves risks.  This is true, about to risk some things to make it happen.

Prompt for Friday: Blessed to discover whom and how to serve. If my life were different then I would maybe agree.

Prompt for Saturday: How much fun is it to corrupt and defile the young heart. Inspiration inspires much more devotion than corruption but I guess it depends on what you are looking for.


Weekly Post #20

Sunday, September 11, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Shakespeare Sonnet 57 This would be easier to relate to if I identified as a slave but as I do not then I cannot process.  My life hasn't been my own in so long I don't know what to do.  I work and am independent but it's because I need to be in order to make sure that others are taken care of.  I just had two days away and didn't expect to walk into something stupid but I did and then got no support from my family like normal so I don't know that I can get to slave mindset.  Beyond the expectations in my life, I don't know that I can ever trust anyone to take care of me.  It's been a series of letdowns since my dad died.  Therapy didn't help last time but maybe it will again.  I'm jealous of those that only have to worry about serving someone they love.

Prompt for tomorrow: Bottoms still desire things, slaves have no desires save those of their Masters.  See response above.

Prompt for Tuesday: D/s is filled with paradoxes and balances. This is true.  And when things don't align there's no path forward.  You have to find your happy place and be good there and when you aren't good then you have to find your way back to good.  Doing that with someone that wants to balance with you is amazing.

Prompt for Wednesday: Destiny is not a matter of chance but choice.  I don't know how to respond to this honestly.  I haven't felt like something was destiny ever.  Maybe I'm a little too pragmatic for the sweeping romantic ending.  I want it or I have wanted it.  Now I just want peace.

Prompt for Thursday: Discipline gives total freedom, it allows you to go beyond limitations.  I think it depends on how I read this.  If it means taking control of my boundaries and working to achieve things then yep I agree.  If it means being punished, maybe for some but not for me.

Prompt for Friday: Don't serve for a reward, serve with no expectations.  This is a noble thing to believe.  We all are of services to people in our lives but to never be rewarded, recognized or appreciated is a large pill to swallow.  I am tired of swallowing it.

Prompt for Saturday: Give your best to all your tasks, it makes you stronger. One can only become so strong.


this is gonna be a rambling mess

Saturday, September 10, 2022 No comments

I am tired.  A kind of bone weary, don't see the point of this bullshit tired that hasn't happened in a long long time and I have not missed it.  When my dad got sick, we had a lot of talks about what he wanted me to do if he was no longer with me.  And believe me that sucked because I hadn't accepted emotionally that he wouldn't be there anymore.  Part of me knew because I had a dream that he left me in the exact way that he did and it was months before his death but I was still not there yet.  One of the things we joked about sitting in our favorite chairs in the living room was that I needed to take care of my mother.  He knew she would end up with me and that she would grate on every last one of my nerves but that I still had to try to love her and take care of her.  He never expressly said that my brother wouldn't but yeah he hasn't.  And I have made any number of excuses about that because it was easier than admitting I was in this particular enterprise alone.  I used to be able to call him to vent or at least I thought I was able to and nope I am apparently just complaining about her because I can't really talk about it all with anyone else.  I found out a few months ago when he was helping me out he was really just siding with her because she tossed that up in my face and it was the first time in a long time I felt entirely alone.  Today just brought it all back.  I get to deal with the crazy, angry, demanding, schedule shuffling, cooking two meals, and lack of privacy all on my own.  He hasn't even asked her to come for a visit lately even though she'd turn it down.  And then she'd eventually leave and complain to me the entire time but since she acts totally different there then no one sees what I get to live through when she's here with me.  

The absolute saddest part of all of this is all I really want right now is someone to hug me and stroke my back while I lay really still.  A spanking might help me reset but I don't even need it right now.  Just someone that is focused on me.  That was one of the good things about GN.  He would notice when I was needing to be held and loved on.  And he could run interference with mom in ways that I could not because I was tapped out.  I just miss peace in my life.  It's been almost 20 years since I could just think about me.  I'm just so fucking tired.


Weekly Post #19

Sunday, September 04, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: Competence and self-confidence eliminates the need for jealousy.  I don't know about this one.  Jealousy for me at least stems more from lack of validation or inconsistency than it does any kind of lack of self-confidence or competence.  That could be because I'm a Black woman and I have to have both of those in ample supply to even step foot in the spaces that I come to inhabit.  Even when I feel completely over my head, I'm usually very good at whatever I do or learn enough to delegate to those I know can assist me. 

Prompt for tomorrow: Kindness and a generous heart help us recharge humanity.  I believe this could be true depending on who we are being kind and generous to.  The right person amplifies that energy and continues to spread it.  For others, it's an energy suck and may just be a waste.

Prompt for Tuesday: Toys don't make BDSM, being kinky is not the same as being part of the community.  Meh on this.  I am kinky without a community because of where I live and the spaces I inhabit.  Toys and a well stocked proverbial red room do not make you kinky.  Committing to the identity and relationship pattern for me is what makes you kinky.  I'm jealous of my friends, or acquaintances maybe, and exes who get to indulge in community in ways that I do not. That used to make me sad.  Now I'm just resigned to the fact that is my experience and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Prompt for Wednesday: Really long about slave's always needing to learn and study themselves and partners.  And I am not a slave.  I can have slave like tendencies within the right dynamic but ultimately I'm a submissive girl with a masochistic streak a mile wide.

Prompt for Thursday: All my soul follows you, love circles you and live in being yours.  I've felt like this once or twice and it was blissful until it wasn't.  Listen to Stupendo Fino A Qui to get a better idea.

Prompt for Friday: All painful pleasures turn into pleasing pain.  Yep they do and I kind of miss it a lot.

Prompt for Saturday: As soon as you trust yourself you know how to live.  I'm working on that more now.  Of trusting myself to make good decisions and overcome old fears.