this is gonna be a rambling mess

Saturday, September 10, 2022

I am tired.  A kind of bone weary, don't see the point of this bullshit tired that hasn't happened in a long long time and I have not missed it.  When my dad got sick, we had a lot of talks about what he wanted me to do if he was no longer with me.  And believe me that sucked because I hadn't accepted emotionally that he wouldn't be there anymore.  Part of me knew because I had a dream that he left me in the exact way that he did and it was months before his death but I was still not there yet.  One of the things we joked about sitting in our favorite chairs in the living room was that I needed to take care of my mother.  He knew she would end up with me and that she would grate on every last one of my nerves but that I still had to try to love her and take care of her.  He never expressly said that my brother wouldn't but yeah he hasn't.  And I have made any number of excuses about that because it was easier than admitting I was in this particular enterprise alone.  I used to be able to call him to vent or at least I thought I was able to and nope I am apparently just complaining about her because I can't really talk about it all with anyone else.  I found out a few months ago when he was helping me out he was really just siding with her because she tossed that up in my face and it was the first time in a long time I felt entirely alone.  Today just brought it all back.  I get to deal with the crazy, angry, demanding, schedule shuffling, cooking two meals, and lack of privacy all on my own.  He hasn't even asked her to come for a visit lately even though she'd turn it down.  And then she'd eventually leave and complain to me the entire time but since she acts totally different there then no one sees what I get to live through when she's here with me.  

The absolute saddest part of all of this is all I really want right now is someone to hug me and stroke my back while I lay really still.  A spanking might help me reset but I don't even need it right now.  Just someone that is focused on me.  That was one of the good things about GN.  He would notice when I was needing to be held and loved on.  And he could run interference with mom in ways that I could not because I was tapped out.  I just miss peace in my life.  It's been almost 20 years since I could just think about me.  I'm just so fucking tired.


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