finally turned on the heat

Tuesday, October 18, 2022 No comments

Last night the weather was finally gonna dip below freezing and while my AC had been set to way cooler than I like it to be, it hadn't really been on the last week consistently because the outside temp was not warranting it.  The last few days though the weather was having one of those keep playing with me if you want to moments and I finally caved.  It's still not hot up in here, it's only set to 65, but this house is much more insulated than our old one and thus that actually has the bedrooms warm.  The kitchen/living room not so much and we'll need to turn on the fireplace if we are gonna hang out there--not long surprisingly but still it will need to come on--but really outside of the times I'm cooking or we're watching something goofy on TV, I do not spend a ton of time in that space.  I slept great last night though.  No shivers or chills.  I kinda wanna go back to sleep but it's noon and that would be a bad idea.  But it's a bad idea kinda day so who knows.  Hope everyone is doing well.  Not sure who is even still reading this except me lol.


Kinky Girl Down

Friday, October 14, 2022 No comments

I have been burning the proverbial candle at both ends.  Lots of major things at work and home and trying not to lose my mind in process.  Today I turned in one of the last major projects I had to do and that allowed me to just be still for a while.  I didn't respond to too many more emails, took mom out for her pointless shopping trips and then made it back to eat lunch.  I've been trying not to doze off after reading my choose your own adventure updates but it's a struggle.  I should also say that after or as the last of the journal prompts went up I sent one final message out to The Dutchman.  It wasn't a tearful plea that we start things up again or an angry missive that he didn't reach out to me.  It was a long email written over the last seven months that I didn't want in my draft emails anymore.  We haven't spoken since April or maybe before that shit but it was time to really turn the page.  I'm debating deleting the apps that would allow me to check in on him beyond fetlife which I don't use regularly anyway.  I don't really use them so it's not a win to have them outside of resist bot.  We'll see.  I'm finally healed up again.  That could be why the smutty dreams are returning and the random shower masturbation has ramped up.  Like I thought about being back in Amsterdam and my heart didn't do a pitter patter but instead was like ma'am how we gonna get through that long ass airport line without murking people.  Those plans got scrapped because I was really planning on heading to a concert but it's a festival which means no seats and I am entirely too old to enjoy that life.  Well for anyone but maybe Prince or Michael Jackson and that ship has sailed.  I will look for something else but I like to rest between songs I need to belt out full throated and off key.  

I have a few days off work and I am gonna finish setting up my room and getting rid of some of these boxes that do not matter to me at all.  I may see if people want to have lunch or dinner but really I may also do absolutely nothing beyond making dinner and letting my brain rest.  I went down the internet rabbit hole for a while lol.  I should eat dinner and relax.  Y'all enjoy yourselves.


Weekly Post #24 the end

Sunday, October 09, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: How will you become a clear mirror if you resent being polished.  This is a random repeat and I'm not sure why but I am polished more than I'd like to be.

Prompt for tomorrow: All my soul follows you and circles you.  I am sometimes wistful for this but I'm realistic enough to know it's probably something that would overwhelm me.

Prompt for Tuesday: You're not the only one that makes mistakes but they are the only things that you can truly own. No I'm not but it sometimes feels like my mistakes are more detrimental to my long-term happiness.  They have not been I know that but it feels like one or two better decisions and maybe I'd be cuddled up somewhere in France and not here.

Prompt for Wednesday: To give real service, you must add something that cannot be bought. When I first saw this I went well of course but if you had resources to create service that you could no longer physically provide then that would be fantastic.  Ideally you would give of yourself but if you could not then by all means find a way.

Prompt for Thursday: The expression of devotion through obedience is the cornerstone of submission, but it is the complete surrender is the goal. This feels like a Maslow Hierarchy of Needs for submission.  Yeah I guess complete surrender would be good but it an interesting thing to try to achieve.

Prompt for Friday: The most satisfying thing in life is to have given a large portion of oneself to others.  Nope it is not.  It's to hear about how that service has benefited whomever you were able to serve. 

Prompt for Saturday: It is in the touching of one self to another that we become most fully ourselves. This is beautiful.  I haven't had anything but bursts of this but when it happens then I'm a happy girl.

Bonus #1:True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done, the zest of creating things new.  I agree with this.  I like the creation stage and watching something turn into something profound or noteworthy.

Bonus: #2: Our life evokes our character. As we can see when famous people die, their overall public perception or character will be embraced or dismantled. 

Bonus #3: Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.  This is the most poignant thing I read in the quotes section.  I agree more than I want and I hope to feel it reciprocated again.


a year of submissive guide prompts & i forgot this part

Saturday, October 08, 2022 No comments

I will post the last of the journal prompts tomorrow which doesn't quite bring me to a year of posts because I just got over the daily posts.  Some of them were repetitive and others were just not applicable.  Even though it isn't up yet, I learned a lot from this exercise of thinking about my submission.  Mostly that my submission is just that mine.  I bought the prompts and book because The Submissive Guide and by default luna was one of the first submissives I was exposed to when I sought to understand this side of myself.  While it and places like Dark Connections, were resting places that allowed me to learn about myself a fair bit they were also not entirely great for me.  I'm pretty good about not comparing myself to other people in the vanilla realm because there are too many variables that come into play when it comes to making someone who they are.  In submission though, I kept looking for how to be better and be chosen and not be left and wasn't considering all of those individual differences and variables that make comparison massively unhealthy.  My life has literally never allowed for a full time live in dynamic and it likely never will.  My body has never made it taller than 5'4'' and when I was under 150 pounds I don't know that I had boobs.  I was seeking how to find a path and not recognizing again that each of our paths is entirely different.  While this year of prompts reminded me that I would like to be in community with other kinky people, it's also something I don't get easy access to unfortunately.  Not having those things doesn't make my submission less than.  It makes it decidedly different.  It's maybe gonna evolve but also may just be what it is now indefinitely.  I will still remain a person who would rather let her partner lead, enjoys a great thuddy spanking and depravity, and who needs a deep mental connection above all other things in order to be truly happy.  I don't know that I'm a better submissive but I'm a more secure one for having had the last year of prompts and whatever comes next is to be discovered.

I've been having some very involved sexual dreams again and I am remembering them when I wake up.  Not the feeling of like I need to cum right now but actual details of what transpired and why they were engaging.  The dreams don't really make sense in one way.  I "know" the man involved but he's not the man I know.  Like it's a friend from college's name and we're hooking up in a situation that I would be in with that person but they don't look like said friend or sound like said friend and there's literally no reason that I would fall into bed, get tied up and fucked into oblivion by said friend.  It's a different friend every dream as well so I don't feel like I'm secretly crushing on an ex.  I think I'm horny as fuck again and that is weird for me.  I've kind of put even dreaming or praying for a partner on the shelf for the last year.  Grieving my exes and what I wanted there was apparently rougher than I counted on but now at least my dreams are acknowledging that my body wants a partner even if my heart may not be entirely ready.  And I can't even say that.  I just don't know where to meet the new lust of my life.  I'm enjoying my fet hiatus after my brief foray back into the breach.  He'll stumble onto me at some point maybe.  I'm happy though.  And I let the last bit of angst go today when I sent an email and message.  It's time for the next big adventure.


Weekly Post #23

Sunday, October 02, 2022 No comments

Prompt for today: I was always looking for strength outside of myself but it was inside me the entire time.  I am one of the strongest people I know but it's because it's so easy to hurt me deep in my core.  I have to buffer myself back up because the people in my life do not.  Let me say the people who should do not.  And that is always going to be the case. 

Prompt for tomorrow: If I have been of service, I am at peace.  Depends on who is being served and to what end.  I wish to serve the right person and people that appreciate it.  Doesn't happen enough for me.

Prompt for Tuesday: Challenges show us our discomfort, our discomfort show us where our passions lie.  This is for someone whose life is not filled with struggle and things outside of their control.  This is not my experience.

Prompt for Wednesday: There is no shame in being fearful, only in remaining so. Okay

Prompt for Thursday: Submission depends on our ability to align with our dominants and to use our skills to serve them best. Okay

Prompt for Friday: I dreamed that life was joy, saw that life was service and found joy in that service.  Not exactly.  Check my answer to prompt two on this page.

Prompt for Saturday: Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.  Valid, we have to move through the pain and not let it overwhelm us.