social media, reality tv and random thoughts

Sunday, November 20, 2022

i was scrolling Twitter yesterday and someone posed the question: are you really good being single or have you accepted it because that's all you've ever known.  i was struck by that because it made me think was i really good being single.  and i sat with that for a while.  i really am.  i don't mind being single but i don't mind when i have a partner.  i'm a serial monogamist.  long-term relationships are great until they aren't and i don't feel extreme motivation to keep them moving when they are no longer great.  sacrificing my peace of mind, well-being or what have you to say that i have a partner seems just stupid so nah i'm not going to do that.  would i like a partner?  some days sure but others not at all.  what i think i really want is a steady fuck buddy because i like my buy life and the random shit i do by myself.  having a partner could add to that if it's the right partner but thus far none of them have been the right forever person.  that was random thought spike or intellectual rabbit hole number one.  

number two popped up because i can't watch my favorites compete sometimes because they make me anxious and because Hallmark is on a Christmas movie kick until January so i can't just binge watch old episodes of The Golden Girls.  so instead i've been watching train wreck reality tv in the form of Sister Wives.  the man child in the situation is spinning out of control because one of them has decided to not deal with his BS anymore and it's not the one that he wishes would leave.  now why that one won't leave is beyond me because he won't ever reconnect with her on any level and only really likes her in this moment because she's defending this foolishness.  she's also gotten really close to the favorite wife suddenly which is weird because it won't make the man child return to her.  what i've discovered in this craptacular binge is you can fold yourself into knots and suffer and it won't really matter if the person who you are pining for would rather have squares or octagons or whatever the fuck.  and that even when they want a knot, if they have to go fluff it up to keep it healthy then they will likely blame you for not having the support you need to stay all knotted up. also while man child and his clear favorite don't see it this way, the minute he nuked the previous hierarchy to bring her in the family things were on a timer.  he abandoned his only legal wife which is what led her to seek solace from a stranger on the internet.  he just described his relationship prior to the third wife entering as a mess which is a direct slam on the first and second wife.  his plan matters more than these women's feelings and well-being.  he is trash and they all need to bounce.  but whatever.

this made me revisit my attempt at polyamory.  and i can admit now that i was the man child in that situation.  i had my favorite clearly and that wasn't fair to the person who was propping me up.  i was his favorite to some degree which wasn't fair to the folks that were propping him up.  none of us was as honest as we needed to be and that's what needs to be present if you are in any relationship but especially one that involves more that one relationship.  part of that was an issue because they didn't want to talk to each other (they being Mr. Wolf and The Dutchman) and one of them didn't want me talking to his other folks.  and i should correct that, The Dutchman would have been receptive to conversation.  he was more than willing to share how he was able to control me in ways that Mr. Wolf could not.  however, even bringing that up made Mr. Wolf cranky.  i am not sure if it was jealousy or triggering that he wasn't capable of controlling me in the way i liked but it was a loud conversation and one that i didn't broach again.  i should have ended one relationship at that point and focus but i didn't because i was giving poly a shot.  ahh well.  i may not be poly.  i'm definitely not sister wife material.  i'm not sure i'm single wife material so yeah i should just focus on the one person whenever i find them lol which would require looking which yeah not doing that right now.  ahh well again.

addendum: sometimes the universe does exactly what it needs to do which is great.  and sometimes it waits because if you knew the things when you probably wanted to know them then you would likely torch the planet and person.  i haven't really checked in on fet much and as a result haven't cleaned up my friends lists or visited any pages.  writing this made me think about some of Mr. Wolf's writings.  in his last few posts he seemed to be making peace with past failures and i wanted to see that for some reason.  i logged in to get to his page and access the blog.  i think it was pretty much what i thought but nothing earth shattering.  for some reason though i was motivated to click the blog profile because i knew there had been another blog listed there before that was gone.  and then i stumbled on his vent blog that was public facing for some reason.  this was his ranting blog apparently.  every time a woman made him angry or didn't respond to his whatever the way he expected, he posted about it there.  sometimes with our given nicknames, sometimes with slurs and other times with just our real names.  in the grand scheme of things none of that matters now.  he did lie about it at the time because i asked him about him directing his chosen slurs at me and he denied it.  i am not sure if i fully believed him then and now i know i was right to doubt him.  that just made me go back in and clear out my friends list on Fet of connections to him and other people that i knew were no longer accessing the site regularly.  not all of them because i didn't feel like combing through the list right now.  but if we don't talk and haven't for some time then there's no reason to maintain that even stupid digital connection. especially as one or two of them would have heard him hurling the slurs out and said nothing to me.  i'd say i'm disappointed if i was but i'm not.  it's just good to know that i wasn't wrong and that it may explain why i wasn't more moved by his passing.  the universe knew better, even if i didn't.


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