you don't know my name lol

Sunday, November 27, 2022

Anyone that knows me knows that I am not a huge Alicia Keys fan even though I give her mad props as a pianist and songwriter.  Her voice doesn't vibe with me usually.  This song seemed appropriate for the post so I'd like to acknowledge her in this moment.  Not the whole song, just the you don't know my name part lol.  And especially not her stalking Mos Def for no other reason than she thought he was cute.  That's some stuff we can get away with sometimes but if dudes did it we are usually gonna to ask why is he being creepy.  I am off track a bit.  This is really tied to part of what I shared in a previous post.  For some reason I hadn't told GN that Mr. Wolf had died.  I told him yesterday mostly just to make sure he didn't ask again or it came out weird if I mentioned anything else.  I had been thinking about the cranky blog posts which magically stopped in 2019 or he deleted stuff later but regardless it was on my mind.  There aren't a ton of posts on the front page and I didn't go through every month because legitimately I was trying to decide if I was angry of if I just hadn't been attending to my intuition while we had been together.  I'd go with a little of both.  Displeasing Mr. Wolf meant you were going to get your own label at some point.  He'd be in the wrong but if you triggered it more than likely he was labeling you in his head at a minimum.  You could apologize for triggering him and his irritation was palpable but it didn't bubble up in that moment.  I probably stayed with him longer than I should have to avoid being the subject of his vitriol at some point but that was stupid. Reading the blog again was equally stupid  Because outside of my emotions what I got from it was this man was broken.  He wanted women who conformed to his way of life and at the pace he wanted.  If you didn't do those things then it was you that was the problem period.  During our entire relationship he kept saying that I wasn't responding to him because he overshared initially.  Well not exactly.  We had discussed our wants for the future.  On his was marriage and kids.  By the time he met me marriage was off my interest list and I was physically unable to have children.  I was good with both of those things.  It wasn't me posturing for a proposal or lying to myself.  Instead of hearing and accepting those were not things I wanted from any long term relationship he shared very early that he thought he could marry me.  Despite my protests and clearly stating there was gonna be no babies, he was convinced he could wear me down.  He was also unwilling to discuss adoption.  We didn't want the same things and while I was okay with that what came from it was that I didn't want him to be direct with me about what he wanted.  I mean sure that's a way to interpret it but it was incorrect.  It did impact my submission but not in the way he thought either.  I'm a girl that loves a daddy dom.  But something in him still has to trigger my inherent need to serve.  That was never present for us and while I felt bad about it initially I assumed he was getting his need to command met in these other dynamics.  I was wrong and I failed both of us by not ending it sooner.  I waited for him to cut things off because I was preoccupied and none of my romantic relationships were a high priority.  So I became what I feared which is unfortunate but it's good to get a glimpse into how someone really feels about you.  Or felt about you I guess.  I hope he's reunited with his wife and is at peace.  I know that I finally am with all of this.  So this will probably be the last time I speak about him again.  

ETA: I should have also walked away upon hearing him disparage other women so I'm not a victim here.  I ignored some of his bad behavior because I liked him to a degree.  I understand a bit better now why that relationship was not gonna work out and how my behavior contributed to other women being harmed.  I move away from people and things that hurt people when I can and I didn't do it here.  I need to sit with that for a while and work to be better.  It's raining and now I'm thinking about RS but that's not worth the gray matter since we have not spoken in a decade plus.


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