Come Join My Circus, I'm Recruiting

I've been mulling this post over in my head for a few days.  I'm sure I've written something like it before but I haven't the motivation to go track it down in a decade plus of writings.  I've been very slowly reengaging with my kinky self and in doing so have had a few things happen that I'm gonna talk about today.  One is I've returned to FET which is not my natural habitat anymore but there are some nice folks there and it is a centralized landing pad.  If I can find another space that better suits my needs I'll head there.  This would be a lovely time for someone to develop an alternative.  I'll be happy to pay a membership fee especially if it was POC centered and/or (preferably AND) women felt safe to explore without the creepers.  I've also been horny which isn't to say I haven't been horny in the last few years but it's a different kind of need and a lot of it centers in the fact that I want to have some pain with my orgasms and as I willingly told the Dutchman I am unable to really hurt myself to achieve that goal.  Finally, I've been reflecting on my dominant partners again and why some resonated with me long after the fact and others did not.  All I've really come up with is some of them tapped into some primal part of my brain and it rewired my kink a bit.

My dominant partners have all been entirely different people with different areas of interest.  The two that had the most in common, and that's not saying much, were the Dutchman and Good Nyte.  In this case, I think it was there situations and height that synced them up in my brain more than anything they were interested in.  GN wanted a lovely kajira who could rest in pose while he tended to things.  That kajira could, maybe should, also be a bit of a slut who could make his knees buckle.  I was never able to rest in pose.  That shit is uncomfortable.  I was intrigued by it and tried it a few times though.  The Dutchman felt like he was trying to siphon off my rational mind so that the only thing I ever thought about, wanted, needed, and tried to please was him.  Even as I was balancing, or trying to, things between him and Mr. Wolf it was the directives of DM that overruled my brain more often than not.  That doesn't make for the best polyamory situation but it wasn't because I was trying to be difficult.  One partner just knew how to read me in ways I can't fully articulate.  If you've made it here you'll probably wondering what I saw that they (GN and DM) had in common and really they were about the same height, same build and I met them both at the end of their respective marriages.  I may have been a trigger for them too but I haven't asked so let me live in my delusion.

I am going to bed soon I promise

I am trying to practice showing and giving grace in my life.  I'm patient with my coworkers when I need to be and I am trying to take care of my own demands as well.  Splitting up my work and resting when I should.  I'm also staying on top of the medications in my life so that I'm not missing doses now that my health is on the upswing.  And I'm feeling pretty good in general.  Taking care of what needs to be done, letting go of what can wait.  Tomorrow I'm back on the meditation and workout routine.  I just wasn't in the mood after getting off at 8 tonight.  I need to check my schedule to plan my next vacation and then really relax. Bah I forgot to talk about one other thing after the semi dramatic last posts.  Part of this new mindset is a rush of sorts.  I hadn't been feeling terribly sexual as of late.  I was stuck in my own head and trying to to sort things out was not making me horny really.  I masturbate but it was mostly because I need to take the edge off to get some sleep or calm down.  But the last week or so I've found myself finding myself attractive and alluring and finally playing with a few of my toys that had just been sitting in the box.  The anal plug may be a bit too small.  It slipped in relatively easily with the tiniest dab of lube.  It felt great but I was worried about shoving it too far in without a in person backup to stick their nice thick fingers grab after it.  That made me think about being fisted again so yeah didn't want to go nuts.  But I've documented that, my boobs, and a little bit of clit play.  I haven't shared that last one with anyone well just one person because that feels a bridge too far right now.  Ahh well now back to bed.

good sleep is a blessing

I didn't get enough of it but I got some good sleep last night.  Then I got the toss and turn as 7 am hit and my bladder said bitch get out of bed.  It allowed me to see that Novak won before it got too late in the day and to have an epiphany as I was dragging my ass back to the bathroom because apparently 90 more minutes of sleep warranted another bladder emptying trip.  This will be a bit windy so if you don't want to read anything else here's a synopsis: upset subbie girl finally realized why the last breakup was continuing to wreck her.

late night realizations and heartbreak and anger and resolve

i read something earlier that i maybe needed to see before but who knows how i would have received it, i keep stressing myself out wondering why these people that i turned myself inside out for don't want me anymore and the truth is it doesn't matter, they don't and never will, i could run into folks on the street and they might be surprised but they won't be excited and they won't ever want me again, my pain and loneliness is mine and mine alone to do something about.

I may or may not go to sleep after this. I am debating a lot of things right now. I wanted to scream and then I cried. I broke tonight. Maybe I needed to. Maybe not but for more than 20 years I have been looking for some man who loved more than fucking and hurting me. I get hopeful and things are good until they aren't and I am left in some degree of pain and desperation. I am disappointed that I kept waiting on one of them to prove me wrong. That I was worthy of the same effort I was extending to them.  But really none of that matters.  I was holding myself up and back.  Each of those men are living their lives and if I cross their minds at all it will likely to be tied to making their dicks hard.  Complimentary as that may be, it doesn't help me out.  I could blame it on loving too hard and hoping for a fairy tale.  My much better written version of 50 Shades.  My Dominant knight in shiny armor bearing ropes and control.  It's all I dreamed about and I did almost nothing to ensure it happened.

 

So now I'm hurt and angry and they are sleeping.  I realize the host of mistakes I made and there's no way to repair them now.  Nor should I.  Those relationships served a purpose and I need to let all of it go.  I just want some peace.   

lately i can't seem to get you off my mind

It's been a long month.  I thought it would be a smooth slide into the new year but it has not been.  Instead, I've been presenting a lot, driving a lot, eating out too much, not sleeping enough, trying to manage my stress and health so nothing gets triggered and trying to squash the random emotional flare ups that are brought to the surface by my ex.  Which ex you may ask?  Really all of them to varying degrees except Mr. Wolf and that is mainly because we don't stumble upon each other anymore.  That relationship is good and over and thankfully he has no desire to haunt my dreams so all is well.  I know it's temporary and it will fade off again like it always will but right now it gives me little moments of anxiety and knots in my stomach.  

I'm missing pure domination.  Of someone commanding my attention and directing my life.  I miss giving up control and I miss a voice in my ear that makes me quiver and start dripping through whatever meeting I'm in and frustrated that I can't resolve the cratery ache that not being filled up gives me.  But I'm annoyed I can't just join a dating app and say I like to be tied up, chained or whipped by a confident Dominant man who likes to debase me until we both get our rocks off and fall asleep.  Then I'll get up and make food and crawl back into bed like a good little girl.  I mean I guess I could but I kinda like paying bills and having a place to sleep so it makes it difficult.  That's what makes the exes more appealing.  They know how to wind me up and send me spinning.  Unfortunately, that's not an avenue to pursue.  Ah well.  

deep sleep can cure a litany of ills

i don't know that it cured the ills but it helped them out at least.  i woke up after a set of frantic dreams and one pretty mundane one as it involved me vacuuming for some reason.  i was and maybe still am a little exhausted.  i worked every day this week, had more meetings that normal, and lots of anxious coworkers.  combine all of that with my body feeling out of whack along with my emotions running wild and it just was a bad night last night.  my dating life, or lack thereof can throw me into a tailspin sometimes.  thankfully the rest, and a two hour long massage, have gotten me to a point of relaxation.  i'm still single and still not anywhere closer to alleviating that condition.  honestly, in most moments i'm not sure that i even care to alter that beyond having someone that will hurt me on a regular basis.  a service sadist would be ideal but given my desired partner characteristics it is unlikely there's one man just lounging around waiting to be those things for me.  ahh well, it is what it is.  i really hate that phrase even when it's appropriate.  y'all be kind to each other.

brand new year, sorta same old me

y'all it's almost the year of the rabbit.  this makes me happy because i was born in the year of the rabbit and really hadn't thought about this birthday was a finished cycle of twelve.  normally it means good things are on tap and you will be pleasantly surprised.  i need a little of that.  honestly i need a lot of that but i'll take whatever i can get right now.  i noticed over the last few months that my body has been keyed up.  not in the stressed the hell out way but in the i'm horny as fuck and need someone to take the edge off.  i almost reached out to a few exes when i was on the road to get my rocks off but i knew they weren't going to get me over the hump.  i need the edge of pain to really break through.  i need the breath play and the spanking and the indentation of rope on my skin and being fucked so hard that i'm sore for days and the long slow strokes that make me whimper and the nut spilling out of my orifices because there's just entirely too much of it and being flung on the shower floor while a hot stream of urine cascades down my body.  i need to be a rag doll when it's over.  i need to sleep desperate to wake up and do it all over again because my only purpose is to serve the person that bruised me while he nurtured the deepest part of my psyche.  i really miss that shit y'all.  but i'm not losing my shit because i don't have it right now.  and i'm not entirely resigned that i'll never have it again.  it's coming again.  not sure when or why or if i'll even be paying attention when it does. but if you see a random photo of fingers on my throat, don't say shit.  just smile for me.